National League (MLB)

Marlins in the Midst of An Amazing Non-Sucking Streak

The Miami Marlins have recently shocked the sports world by going on a breathtaking run in which the team has not completely sucked. A team that started of the season with just five wins in their first 24 games suddenly can now be described with such high praise as "competent," "slightly better than ... More >>

Reader Mail: No One Is Worse Than Jeffrey Loria

If You Build It, They Still Won’t Come

Tervis Tumblers: Ten Reasons They Are the Best Invention Ever

The human body is approximately 65 percent liquid, which means we inevitably do a lot of drinking to keep that waterlogged equilibrium. Whether it's the recommended allowance of H20 or copious quantities of booze, there's lots of the wet stuff constantly flowing down our gullets. So proper drinkwa ... More >>

Marlins' Terrible Home-Run Sculpture Cost More Than Most of Their Roster

Hope you're psyched for Opening Day, Miami! Your hometown Marlins are off to a roaring start. If by "roaring," you mean they're tied for the worst record in baseball, have scored just 14 runs in six games, and are so desperate for a first-baseman they held open auditions yesterday, that is.Just in c ... More >>

2013 Miami Marlins Lineup: A Position-by-Position Analysis

Marlins Have Shot at Breaking MLB Record: Starting Season By Getting Shutout Three Times

Well, we were being a bit facetious by trying to get excited about the Marlins going on the longest losing streak in MLB history, but it turns out the team is already on the brink of setting another dubious record. They could become the first team on record since at least 1916 to start the season wi ... More >>

Marlins Suffer First Loss in What Some Hope Could Be Historic Streak

In the first shutout of the young MLB season, the Miami Marlins fell to the Washington National 0-2 today, but fans of schadenfreude only have one number on their mind: 20. That would give the Marlins the single longest losing streak in the post-wildcard era. If anyone can top the 2005 Kansas City R ... More >>

The Screwball Economics of Major League Baseball

As another season begins, MLB faces an unsustainable future — and you're picking up the tab.

Reader Mail: Bud Selig Gets What He Deserves

Miami Marlins Refuse Venezuelan Team a Moment of Silence for Hugo Chavez

You could trace the Miami Marlins' tailspin to last April, when new manager Ozzie Guillen pissed off the most important exiles in town by praising Fidel Castro. Surely the team had that fiasco in mind when news of the death of Miami's second-most-hated strongman, Hugo Chávez, was announced shortly ... More >>

Ex-Dolphins QB Pat White Signs With The Marlins

Sometimes it seems the Marlins and Dolphins are trying to pull one big joke on South Florida, and now it appears the Marlins are set to recycle one of the Dolphins biggest punchlines.Pat White, a name synonymous with Bill Parcells' crappy draft picks, has been offered a minor league contract with th ... More >>

Marlins May Face Wrath of the Players Union If They Don't Up Payroll

Locals aren't the only ones pissed over the Marlins' most recent fire sale. The MLB players union is also keeping a close eye on the team's roster, and apparently has promised to take action if the Marlins don't do anything about it soon.Well, lo and behold, MLB.com is out with a story today in whic ... More >>

Mayan Calendar Predictions vs. Miami Reality

A Change(up) is Gonna Come

Beat the Cheeseheads

Fifty Shades of Marlins

The Franchise Will End Early Because The Marlins Suck So Much

Wednesday night's episode of Showtime's baseball docudrama The Franchise, which this season is following the Miami Marlins, will be its last. At least two more episodes were originally planned, with the option for others, but the Marlins and Showtime have decided to pull the plug early, because, wel ... More >>

Reader Mail: Florida Needs to Ban Red-Light Cameras

Marlins Facebook Account Hacked with Promise of "Free Pit Bull" Night

Earlier today, someone hacked into the Facebook accounts of several Major League Baseball teams and the Marlins were not spared. For a brief moment, the Marlins Facebook page promised the first 10,000 fans in attendance at the next game that they'd receive a free "fighting pit bull."

The Marlins Have Officially Given Up All Hope This Season

There was a time in May, when the Heat were on their way to a championship, the Panthers had won their first ever division title, and the Marlins completed the best record that month in MLB, when we had a glimmer of hope (albeit somewhat tempered by the Dolphins) that this may be the first year sinc ... More >>

May Marlins M.I.A.

Miami Marlins Are Only Floridians' Third Favorite Baseball Team

The Miami Marlins are only the third favorite baseball team of Floridians according to a new Quinnipiac poll. Which is quite odd once you remember Florida is only home to two major league baseball teams. In fact, Florida's favorite team doesn't even play in Florida. Yes, the New York Yankees actuall ... More >>

Rocky Mountain Lows

The Creature from the Tacky Lagoon

Poll: Fidel Castro's Florida Approval Rating Is 4 Percent, Ozzie Guillen's Is 7 Percent

Are you ready for your morning dose of statistical overload? Good, because Public Policy Polling just unleashed a wide-ranging poll of Floridians that somehow asks about Fidel Castro, Major League Baseball, and the Trayvon Martin case. Some interesting highlights: Ozzie Guillen is only slightly more ... More >>

A Quest for Theater and Art at Marlins Park

SNL Takes on Trayvon Martin and Ozzie Guillen

Saturday Night Live dove full-on into the Trayvon Martin case this weekend. Of course, there's not a whole lot humor to be found in the specifics of the case, so instead the show lampooned CNN's Piers Morgan, Miami Marlins manager Ozzie Guillen (played by host Josh Brolin), and Florida in general (" ... More >>

Marlins Park Scores Big With Unusual, Gourmet Twists on Ballpark Cuisine

Take Me Out

Marlins Park: Key Lime Chicken Tacos and Fresh Yogurt

Driving down SW 17th Avenue Wednesday, you couldn't help but notice crowds gathering to christen the Miami Marlins' new stadium. Lingering about their driveways with signs that read "15 dolares" were the first local citizens to benefit from the taxpayer investment."We're expecting this stadium t ... More >>

Logan Morrison is the Marlins' tweeter in chief

Marlins Madhouse

New Marlins Stadium Food and Lunacy: Body Painting With Sazon

​Somewhere between the new tax-payer-funded stadium, Romero Britto drama, and the ridiculous sculpture with somersaulting marlins, we mustered up the curiosity to see what the Marlins Park kitchens will be whipping out.So throw on those rose-colored glasses, folks. The Miami Marlins, who open thei ... More >>

Marlins Ruin Baseball, Announce Friday Night Live Concerts Starring Daddy Yankee, LL Cool J and Others

​Like water draining from a home plate backstop aquarium, the little respect we have left for the Florida Miami Marlins continues to dwindle. Enraging fans has seemingly become a common practice among the organization's front office--robbing Miami-Dade County taxpayers, a "horrifying" home run s ... More >>

Miami Marlins hate taxpayers

With Politicians' Help, Marlins Are Screwing Stadium Neighbors

​Luther Campbell, the man whose booty-shaking madness made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech, gets as nasty as he wants to be for Miami New Times. This week, Luke rips commissioners for the looming parking and traffic problems at the Miami Marlins ballpark.With the Marlins 16 days aw ... More >>

Miami Marlins Theme Song: Five Other Fan Odes to the Fish

Yesterday, Riptide found what seemed to be a theme song for the newly christened Miami Marlins. Sadly, we've since learned the song is unofficial, a passionate fan ode to the reborn franchise -- which makes the music much more endearing, and also more confusing. Who the hell takes the time to write ... More >>

Florida Business Sues Marlins, Says It Bought Team For $10 Million at Charity Banquet

​Somewhere in Florida there is a business named Omeranz & Landsma whose owner, whoever he or she may be, has just the worst sense of humor in all the Sunshine State. Even worse than Connie Mack's campaign manager!Omeranz's owner attended a charity auction hosted by Marlins president David Sams ... More >>

Miami Marlins May Get Their Own Reality TV Show on Showtime

​Given the amount of, shall we say, "strong personalities" that have so far been signed by the Miami Marlins for next season, we almost have to wonder if Jeffrey Loria has been assembling the cast of a guilty pleasure reality TV show or a playoff-caliber team. Turns out he might have been doing bo ... More >>

Reader mail: "MAM board members should be indicted for stupidity"

Miami's top news stories of 2011

Dude, where's my city? Miami wakes up with a pounding headache.

Florida County May Use Tax Dollars to Attract Nude European Tourists

​Miami-Dade County may soon get some stiff competition in attracting naked tourists. Pasco County, located just north of Tampa Bay, is considering using tax dollars to actively promote its numerous nudist resorts to rich European travelers looking to expose every last inch of their skin to the war ... More >>

Miami Marlins fire Manatees plus-size male dance troupe

Luther Campbell loves the Miami Marlins, federal investigation be damned

Save The Manatees: The Miami Marlins Fire Their Fat Guy Dancing Troupe

​We can understand stiffing taxpayers with a $2.6 billion invoice for a shiny new stadium. We can't even really blame the Miami Marlins for refusing to chip in for millions in parking taxes while dropping nine figures on high-priced free agents. Hey, if our county officials are so inept that y ... More >>

Jose Reyes to the Marlins: The Conflicting Emotions of A Miami-Residing Mets Fan

​I was in the stands at Shea Stadium in 2006 when Endy Chavez, God bless his tiny heart, made this heroic catch in the NLCS' Game 7 to seemingly seal the Mets' glorious destiny. That was the last time I've ever experienced joy. Three innings later, Carlos Beltran was frozen by an Adam Wainwright ... More >>

Marlins Stadium Deal Now the Target of Federal SEC Probe

​Maybe federal investigators finally got around to reading our piece about the six biggest lies behind the monumentally awful Miami Marlins stadium deal? Whatever the motivation, the Securities and Exchange Commission has subpoened the City of Miami and Miami-Dade County for financial information ... More >>

Billy the Marlin Reemerges as Rainbow-Colored Mutant Fish

​A few weeks ago, we told you that Miami Marlins mascot Billy the Marlin would return with a new color scheme, and lamented, "Hopefully we don't have to worry about an 8-foot tall orange sports fish walking around the stadium."Well, the new Billy is finally here, and its not quite as bad, and yet ... More >>

Miami On the Hook For Millions In New Taxes On Marlins Parking Garages

​When we recently counted down the six most absurd lies about the new Marlins Stadium, fib number one was that politicians were working for taxpayers. Even a casual glance over the deal made it clear: This $550 million stadium was a cripplingly expensive gift from struggling taxpayers to the milli ... More >>