NL East

The Miami Marlins must suck up to a boat salesman for a website

Ten Fun Facts About Ozzie Guillén, The Marlins' Likely New Manager

​Well, it appears the timing of Jack McKeon's retirement announcement wasn't so random. An official announcement that  the Florida Miami Marlins have hired Chicago Whitesox Manager Ozzie Guillén as their new skipper seems imminent. The Sox have released Guillén from his contract, and h ... More >>

Marlins Season Goes from Crap to Crappy to Unbe-f***ing-lievable

​The Florida Marlins' sad, sad season has gone from merely pathetic to positively ridiculous. Yesterday, the interwebs were atwitter with speculation over why the team suddenly sent closer Leo Nuñez to his native Dominican Republic only hours after helping the Fish defeat the Atlanta Braves.Well, ... More >>

Marlins Float Hideous Monstrosity of a New Logo to Go With Eyesore of a New Stadium

​How best to celebrate the opening of a taxpayer-manhandling new ballpark that looks like the grotesque lovechild of the '70s spaceship from Close Encounters of the Third Kind and a cheap toaster oven? How about a new logo that's the hideous mutant spawn of the Mets' emblem and that time your kind ... More >>

Logan Morrison Files Grievance Against Marlins, Can We Get In On That?

​Fan favorite and self-described "twittaholic" Logan Morrison has filed an official grievance with the Florida Marlins over his demotion to AAA last month, reports ESPN.The Fish, meanwhile, have lost four in a row due to a comedy of errors. They are 31 games back in the division with only 12 to pl ... More >>

Off of Playoffs

Race for the Basement

Watch Logan Morrison Freak Out on Television About a Bug

Dude, they like, have talons or whatever.The fearless left fielder for our Florida Marlins has revealed his kryptonite: It's green, armored, and scares him more than a fastball low and inside. It's a bug.There really aren't many words necessary here; the video makes the joke just fine. Mantis on rai ... More >>

Twitter Is Confused About Miami Marlins Name Change

A fan-made "Miami" logo. (Yes, the Marlins have some fans.)​The condition that the Florida Marlins change their name to the Miami Marlins as part of the deal for their new stadium has been well known locally for years. But the baseball-loving world at large (which we assume does not care much abou ... More >>

Marlins Close Upper Deck For Remainder of Season

No word yet whether the new stadium will have a late-construction redesign that includes a field but no seats.​Well, you've finally done it Florida. You've beaten the Marlins into submission. The team with the worst attendance in the major leagues has given up: They have closed the upper deck of i ... More >>

Marlins Get Last $42 Million From Miami-Dade County

Based on what happened at yesterday's Miami-Dade County Commission meeting, there is no way the taxpayers are getting their money back. Let's face it folks, the county is not going to sue or cut off the Marlins at this point, which is why county commissioners approved issuing $42 million in bonds to ... More >>

Florida Marlins Not First Baseball Players To Be Spooked By Ghosts At St. Petersburg's Vinoy Hotel

"That voice just now-- what was it?"​We like the idea that, in his final hours as the Florida Marlins manager, Edwin Rodriguez spent his time comforting relief pitchers who were terrified of ghosts. It'd be fitting for one of the youngest teams in baseball.

Philadelphia Freedom

Marlins Win! Marlins Win! Holy Sh*t, Marlins Win!

​It was an unlikely win, but a win all the same. The Marlins stopped their 11-game losing streak last night with a 5-2 win over the Angels.Javier Vazquez pitched a scoreless 5 1/3 innings, which is pretty awesome considering he entered last night's game with the worst ERA in the majors. Mike Stant ... More >>

Shocked By Fact They Don't Suck This Year, Florida Marlins May Make Trades To Suck Even Less

​The dozen or so people who can make a serious claim to being true Florida Marlins fans are stoked that his may be the year for the Florida Marlins! The year the team finally loses a playoff series! The Fish currently have a .574 record. That's the fourth best in the entire MLB, and the team looks ... More >>

Brave Passage

Letters from the issue of May 12, 2011

Rays of Hope

305 Photo of the Day: Sun Life Stadium Camouflage

​Empty seats have become a staple of Florida Marlins games, so what better way to show some snarky pride than to blend in with your barren surroundings? The shirts are available here, and the photo is from Matthewspill's Twitter. If you'd like to see your photo here join our Flickr group.Follow Mi ... More >>

Six lies about the Marlins stadium

Unlovable Losers

Miami Sports Teams that Pay Players the Most Suck the Least

​Remember the time that the New York Yankee's Alex Rodriguez's annual salary was greater than the entire roster of the Florida Marlins combined? Well, the Marlins have agreed to increase their payroll in anticipation of moving into their own ballpark, and now A-Rod only makes about 57 percent of w ... More >>

Florida Marlins Hot Dog Recipe from The Hot Dog King Himself

Louie DiRaimondo​​Today is opening day for the Florida Marlins, and lots of folks at the stadium will be celebrating in traditional manner -- by which we mean eating hot dogs. According to the National Hot Dog and Sausage Council's 2010 survey of hot dog and sausage consumption at major league b ... More >>

Future Marlins Ballpark Setbacks: Japanese Steel, Koi Fish?

Future Marlins Ballpark​The Florida Marlins kickoff their 2011 season against the New York Mets tonight, and while the game marks the last, first game the Fish will play at Sun Life Stadium, their home tank over the past 18-years, it may be the final home opener the Marlins have until 2013. A so ... More >>

Washington Punching Bags

New York's Not So Finest

University of Miami Beats Marlins

​It's not exactly great news when your local college baseball team beats your local professional baseball team. That's just not how the world is supposed to work. Yet, the Miami Hurricanes baseball team pulled out a surprising win against the Florida Marlins yesterday in an exhibition game. To add ... More >>

U2 Pushes Marlins Out of Stadium, People Who Care About Things That Don't Suck Completely Unfazed

​During the last week of June something kind of sucky and boring we don't care about at all will happen in Sun Life Stadium, which tends to happen a lot in the Stadium during baseball season. Except this time it's because U2 is playing, forcing the Marlins to play "home" games in Seattle.

Letters from the issue of December 30, 2010

Jeffrey Loria: Dirty Dozen 2010

​Each year, New Times puts together a list of the sketchiest politicians and unholiest celebrities and weirdest human beings to call the Magic City home. So who made the filthy cut this year? We're releasing the names one by one ahead of next week's issue, which comes with a full-page illustra ... More >>

From 'Cat Killer' Probe to New Marlins Stadium: 5 Biggest Wastes of Taxpayer Money in 2010

We all love baseball, but did we all really have to pay for a new stadium when Marlins owners had plenty of cash on hand?​Anger over public spending is all the rage these days. Unemployment checks? Undeserved. The Obama stimulus plan? An abomination. Now Carlos Alvarez is facing a fierce recall c ... More >>

Yawn: Marlins Hire Edwin Rodriguez as Permanent Manager

Anyone care about the Marlins anymore? Did someone just raise their hand? Oh, the guy in the corner wearing an Ocean Conservancy Group t-shirt. Sorry, we mean the Florida Marlins baseball team, not the actual fish. Anyway, the Marlins have hired Edwin Rodriguez to lead the team for at least ano ... More >>

Former Marlins Excel in Fall Classic

Jeffrey Loria would have more World Series trophies if he wasn't a cheapskate.​Watching Cody Ross rip through Major League Baseball's postseason got us wondering about former Florida Marlins who have tasted sweet success during the Fall Classic since the team won the World Series in 2003.Watching ... More >>

Recall Carlos Alvarez

The Miami Dolphins Hit All-Time Low in Popularity According to Poll

The Miami Dolphins are the 21st most popular NFL team this year, or if you want to be more negative about it they're the 12th least popular. That's the lowest point the Dolphins have ever found themselves in the ratings since Harris Interactive began keeping track of such things in 1998. The good ne ... More >>

Well, Here's a Picture of Marlins Player Logan Morrison in a Baywatch Swimsuit

​The debate continues on about whether or not fans in Florida actually care about professional baseball. Not even DJ Kitty and the chance to clinch a play off birth can get more than a pathetic handful of fans out to see the Tampa Bay Rays. Florida Marlins attendance is also notoriously low. Does ... More >>

Tampa Bay Rays Introduce "DJ Kitty": The Best Marketing Gimmick the Marlins Never Thought Of

​Our beleaguered Florida Marlins have tried all sorts of game day gimmicks to drum up local support. They were the first MLB team to have cheerleaders, and have tried everything from pint-sized mini-mascots to a dance squads made up entirely of obese men. What they have not tried is shooting a vid ... More >>

Sign of the Times

Sign of the Times

Sign of the Times

Flip-Flopping With the Fish

Taser-toting police zap animals and grannies

No Stopping Stanton

No Stopping Stanton

No Stopping Stanton

Comedy of Errors

Marlins Take Two of Three From Braves With a Pair of Walk-Offs

​Your Florida Marlins are coming off a weekend series with the NL East leading Atlanta Braves. And if you're a fan of perpetual bullpen meltdowns and shaving cream pies in the face, you're in luck! Here's how it all went down: Game 1, Marlins 7 - Braves 6: We can talk about the bullpen blowing ye ... More >>

Our Other Big Three

Our Other Big Three