NBA Atlantic

Five Sports Owners Worse Than Jeffrey Loria

Melo Drops 50 as Knicks Beat Depleted Heat 102-90

Heat fans tuning in for a possible Eastern Conference Finals preview Tuesday night were instead treated to another helping of the Miami Heat "B-Team" with an extra-large side of Carmelo Anthony ass. Anthony sizzled all night long, finishing with a career-high-tying 50 points as the New York Knicks p ... More >>

Miami Heat Won't Be Able to Watch Super Bowl and LeBron Isn't Happy

Remember right after the Dolphin's one-win season a few years ago when The Onion wrote, "NFL Denies Miami Dolphins' Request To Watch Super Bowl."Well, that story has come true for the Miami Heat. NBA scheduling has effectively made it impossible for LeBron and co. to watch the big game. 

Nets Player Says Heat Didn't Win "Real" Title; LeBron's Response: "Who?"

The Miami Heat travel to Brooklyn tonight for the first time in franchise's history, and apparently Nets players are hoping to amp up the rivalry. Nets forward Reggie Evans is even going as far as to suggest that the Heat's 2012 title wasn't legitimate because of the lock-out shortened regular seaso ... More >>

One-Month Mark

Wade, Bosh Disappear As Heat Downed By Clippers 107-100

OK, it's been established the Heat are crappy on the West Coast during the regular season. We get it.The Miami Heat fell 107-100 to the Los Angeles Clippers last night on a night where Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh were nowhere to be found and very little fucks were to be given after the first half.

Back On Track

Estiatorio Milos: Exquisite Greek Seafood for Eye-Poppingly High Checks

MIAMI HEAT ARE 2012 NBA FINALS CHAMPIONS

Get your pots and pans out, Miami. Your Miami Heat are 2012 NBA World Champions!

Mugshots Friday: Miami Heat Championship Edition

​Every Friday, Riptide brings you the most eye-catching mugshots taken the previous week (or thereabouts) in Miami-Dade County. Yes, there is some mockery of bad neck tattoos, but also adulation directed at perps who just plain look more badass than we ever will. This is the italicized intro to th ... More >>

Miami Heat Let First-Half Lead Slip Away, Lose Game 1

Game 1 of the 2012 NBA Finals was a tale of two halves.The Miami Heat shot out of the gate strong, hitting shots, making threes and getting a huge game from *record scratch* Shane Battier!But the second half was a whole other bag of salted cock n' balls as Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook did to t ... More >>

Chris Bosh Coming Back For Game 5

Chris Bosh is coming back for Game 5 of the Heat-Celtics series, according to ESPN. We haven't been this excited about anything Bosh-related since he first signed with the Heat, because good basketball lord the Heat seriously need something to get them over the hump and finish off this series agains ... More >>

Knicks' J.R. Smith Arrested on South Beach Last Night

The first high-profile arrest of Miami Beach police's pumped-up presence heading into Memorial Day weekend or just a coincidence?New Yorks Knicks player J.R. Smith was arrested on South Beach on a warrant for not having a valid driver's license last night around 9.

Miami's Syndee Winters in The Lion King at the Arsht

Luke's Gospel

Free Metta World Peace.

Metta World Peace Got Screwed By David Stern

Uncle Luke, the man whose booty-shaking madness once made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech, gets as nasty as he wants to be for Miami New Times. Today, Luke stands up for Metta World Peace.I have a message for NBA overlord David Stern: Free Metta World Peace. The seven game suspension ... More >>

Heat Sweep the Knicks, Win Southeast Division

The Miami Heat went into Madison Square Garden yesterday for the first and only time this regular season, and proceeded to mash the spleens of the New York Knickerbockers to the tune of 93-85, snapping New York's nine-game home-winning streak, sweeping the season series against the Knicks and taking ... More >>

Heat Clinch Playoff Berth With 16th Consecutive Home Win

Weirdly enough, the Miami Heat only play like a bag of shit on the road, because they remain as dominant as ever at home. LeBron James dropped a season-high 41 points -- 15 in the fourth quarter -- as the Heat took down the Philadelphia 76ers 99-93 last night, winning their 16th straight home g ... More >>

Don’t Cry for Me, Argentina

Heat Beat Knicks and Jeremy Lin, Render Linsanity Utterly Linpotent

​For the past month or so, we've all had Jeremy Lin spewed on our faces, whether we wanted it or not. Turn on your TV: LIN! Tune into your favorite radio station: LIN! Log on to twitter: LIN! The Republican debates: LIN! Jump in the shower: LIN! Your morning cereal toy prize: LIN!And then Lin and ... More >>

Jeremy Lin, avoid Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian

In Miami Heat's Chapel, Jeremy Lin Prayed A Month Ago He'd Make the Knicks Squad

​It's hard to believe that just a month ago, Jeremy Lin was hanging on to his spot on the New York Knicks' roster by a mere thread. The struggling team was considering cutting him. He traveled with the team to Miami on January 27th. He didn't play a single minute in the game, but he did visit the ... More >>

Heat Avoid Trap-Game by Beating the Kings, LeBron Does A Silly Dance

The Miami Heat just won their seventh-straight game. Dwyane Wade has been a one-man wrecking ball during that time.And last night, in the Heat's 120-108 victory over the visiting Sacramento Kings, D-Wade brought his game to new ball-mashing mayhem heights, scoring 30 points on 11-of-16 shooting, get ... More >>

Jeremy Lin Needs to Beware Coochie Power

​Luther Campbell, the man whose booty-shaking madness made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech, gets as nasty as he wants to be for Miami New Times. This week, Luke counsels New York Knicks guard Jeremy Lin. The New York Knicks and Jeremy Lin are coming to town this Thursday, February ... More >>

Five most expensive New Year's Eve celebrations

Amar'e Stoudemire Promises to Riddle LeBron's Body With Bullets in Bizarre Human Hunting Escapade

​Amar'e Stoudemire has privately announced his intentions to hunt and kill LeBron James and Dwyane Wade, according to reports. The full details of the bloodlustful New York Knicks forward's murderous plans are not yet known, but Stoudemire has told teammates that he has already assembled a cache o ... More >>

LeBron James' Clutch Balls

​LeBron James has taken a lot of shit this year. Mainly because he decided to exercise his perfectly legal right to join another team through free agency. SO EVIL! And then he went and celebrated his signing with the Heat in front of the local fans with a fire works show. SO IMPERIOUS!He's also ha ... More >>

LeBron James Finally Apologizes to Cleveland

It was a long time coming, but LeBron James finally apologized to the city of Cleveland last night after the Miami Heat beat the Boston Celtics in round two of the playoffs. James must have been in a bittersweet mood after vanquishing the Celtics. Sure, he's made it to the conference finals a couple ... More >>

The Heat's Road to the NBA Championship

​The day is almost here. After one of the most scrutinized regular seasons afforded to any team in just about all of NBA history the Miami Heat are set to platy their first play-off game with LeBron James and Chris Bosh joining Dwayne Wade in red and black tomorrow. They'll face off at home ag ... More >>

Wadeless Heat Lose to Bucks, Probably Losing No. 2 Seed In The Process

​The Miami Heat must really want to not have the second seed in the Eastern Conference, because they came out and completely crapped themselves last night in a 90-85 loss to the Milwaukee Bucks.With Dwyane Wade and his hobbled thigh on the bench, the Heat turned the ball over 16 times while shooti ... More >>

LeBron Increased Value of Heat by 17%, Dropped Cavs' by 26%

​The Miami Heat may be the most talked about NBA team this season, but they aren't the most valuable. However, the signing of LeBron James and Chris Bosh saw the team's value increase by 17 percent since last year, according to Forbes.com. That's the biggest increase in value over one year in the ... More >>

Sans Wade or Bosh, LeBron James and Mike Miller Lead Heat, Snap Losing Streak

​Dwayne Wade was forced to sit out thanks to a migraine, while Chris Bosh sat out his second-straight game with a bum left ankle. And so LeBron James was left to the mercy of having to rely on Mario Chalmers and Carlos Arroyo for support if the Miami Heat was going to snap their longest losing str ... More >>

Miami Makes List of Top Ten Grinchiest Cities

​The Daily Beast has giving us a new listicle gift for the holidays (listicles are basically the internet equivalent of fruit cake) and apparently Miami is the country's 10th "Grinchiest" city. Which means we apparently hate Christmas so very, very much. We apparently neither buy each other enough ... More >>

Lebron James Villain-O-Meter: How Much Does America Hate Him This Week?

​Americans residing north of Palm Beach County have targeted their wrath at LeBron James, a basketball player and creator of the world's worst television special. In this semi-regular installment, we ​figure out why American hates LeBron this week, so you don't have to.

Paul Pierce Mocks LeBron James on Twitter

​Oh boy, the rivalry between the Boston Celtics and the Miami Heat just go personal. After last night's second devastating dismantling of the Heat by the Celtics Paul Pierce couldn't let the win speak for itself. He decided he needed to talk some trash on Twitter. Hell, he couldn't even ... More >>

The Miami Heat Has a Secret Hand Signal; What Does It Mean?

via​After a rocky start against the Boston Celtics, the Miami Heat is off to an appropriately hot start with a three-game winning streak including Friday's domination of the Orlando Magic in the new Miami team's AAA debut. In addition to wracking up wins,they're also adding some new traditions, in ... More >>

Live Blog: Heat vs. Celtics

​Have no one to watch tonight's Heat-Celtics NBA season debut with? You do have someone to watch it with but they don't provide the same award-winning rapier wit-like banter you find here on your friendly neighborhood Miami New Times blog?Well have no fear! Because the Riptide 2.0 Heat vs. Celtics ... More >>

LeBron's Jerseys & The Ground Zero Mosque: Solutions

A group of Ohioans have offered to send LeBron James' former Cavaliers jerseys to the homeless of Miami, a purportedly generous gesture to help clothe poor folks. Imam Feisal Abdul Rauf has offered to build a mosque and Islamic cultural center in the proximity of Ground Zero, a purportedly generous ... More >>

Isiah Thomas to Take Job with Knicks, But Stay at FIU

​In the past few weeks we've been hearing two rumors: 1) Isiah Thomas was definitely going to return to the Knicks 2) Isiah Thomas was definitely going to stay as the head coach of FIU basketball. Turns out that both were right.

Chris Bosh Being Traded to Miami for Beasley, Chalmers, and Anthony?

​Step 1 of the Miami Heat's master plan might be near completion if Miami Herald scribe/radio host Dan LeBatard's Twitter feed is to be believed. He reports that a mega sign-and-trade deal between the Toronto Raptors and Miami Heat is pretty much done in principle.The Heat would get Chris Bosh, on ... More >>

Either Miami or Chicago Will Dominate NBA, Hints LeBron Pal

Despite the pleas of New York's local media, it seems that LeBron James will not be heading to join the Knicks. Or so says Charles Oakley, a former Knicks player and close pal of LeBron. "Chicago or Miami. Not New York. He's leaving," Oakley told the New York Daily News.Hmmm, the Heat and the B ... More >>

Here Is Kevin Garnett Elbowing Quentin Richardson's Face (And Giving The Heat A Chance To Win Game 2)

The Celtics already had Game One on lock down. All Quentin Richardson was doing was running his mouth a little during trash time. And yet enraged silly man-child Kevin Garnett couldn't keep it together. You've probably watched this highlight 15 times by now since Saturday (especially because it's ... More >>

Underdogging It

Woo the Bosh

Isiah Thomas struggles to reshape FIU hoops

The Book of Isiah

His Blood Is Like Gatorade

A Flash of Greatness

Dwyane Wade is It personified.

The Final Insult

This Is Why They’re Hot

A friendly reminder from your Miami Heat