NBA Atlantic

Beantown Beatdown

Beating On Brats

The Heat's Winning Streak Hits 22, the Second-Longest Ever, With Victory Over Raptors

For a moment on this lazy Sunday afternoon in Toronto, it seemed as though it might all end for the Miami Heat exactly where it began. For a moment. With the game tied at 77 early in the fourth, the Heat turned on, well, the heat, blasting off on a 28-4 run to help secure a win for the 22nd straight ... More >>

Heat Throttle Nets 103-73, Don't Care "Where Brooklyn At?"

Your WORLD CHAMPION Miami Heat took on the newly-relocated Brooklyn Nets last night and proceeded to obliterate those Brooklyn/New Jersey/Whatever fools 103-73, proving that even if you move from a shitty state to a less shitty city borough, it doesn't change the fact that your squad is infinitely i ... More >>

Heat Beat Celtics 120-107 in Season Opener, Receive Championship Rings

Aqui lo que importa es el CASH! Oh my, that is pretty. Isn't that pretty, Celtics/Knicks/Lakers fans? Look at that beautiful thing. How fuckin' glorious.Your Miami Heat received these lovely, diamond-encrusted CHAMPIONSHIP rings last night just before their 120-107 dismantling of last year's Eastern ... More >>

Ray (Allen) of Hope

"LeBron James" Heroin Being Sold in Philadelphia

You'd think Philadelphia would use a basketball superstar from their own team to try and push that brown crystal, but you have to remember that Philadelphia's basketball team is the 76ers and they don't have much in the way of star power right now. So, apparently heroin dealers in the City of B ... More >>

Celtics Coach Literally Brainwashing Team Into Hating the Miami Heat

Smarting from yet another season ending playoff defeat to the Miami Heat, Boston Celtics coach Doc Rivers has unveiled his main focus for the offseason: installing pure hate for the Miami Heat deep inside the heart of every single member of the Celtics team.Uh, yeah, brainwashing your underlinings i ... More >>

Miami Heat's 2012-13 Schedule Released: Boston Opens The Year, OKC Comes At Christmas

Last season, the Miami Heat tied with San Antonio to capture the best home record in the league, and next season they'll be playing 14 of their first 22 games at home. So hopefully they'll have no trouble getting off to a quick start. In addition to playing the first game of the season at home ... More >>

Heat Are Eastern Conference Champions, Will Face Oklahoma City in NBA Finals

After blowing up the Boston Celtics Big Three Era (for the second straight season) in last night's 101-88 Game 7 triumph, the Miami Heat are headed to their second-straight NBA Finals. The Big Three known as LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, and Chris Bosh scored Miami's final 31 points, including all ... More >>

Miami vs. Boston Trash Talk: Our Heat Homer and Celtics Fanatic Get Ugly

Tonight, at last, it ends: Game 7 of the Eastern Conference Finals starts at 8:30 p.m., and it may well destroy the world as we know it. Okay, the game may only result in the destruction of a few TV sets and cars in the greater Boston and Miami areas, but it'll still be a clash of teams that aren't ... More >>

LeBron James' 45 Points Lead Heat Over Celtics, Force Game 7

Brilliant.Extraordinary.Artist.Devastator.Maestro.Cobradick.

The Search For Boston's Classiest Celtics Fan

Like the band playing on as the Titanic sank, what remained of the rapidly dissipating crowd last night at TD Garden took to their feet and chanted "Let's Go Celtics." A display that will probably be twisted as proof positive that Boston fans are superior in every way to Miami fans. At first our onl ... More >>

The Heat Is Off: A Celtics Fan Finds No Foes in Miami Beach

Was I in the right place?Game 5 of the Eastern Conference Finals had just started, and the denizens of On The Rocks Sports Bar in Miami Beach couldn't give a shit. Well, that's not entirely true. The older woman seated to my right at the bar -- with her baby blue nails and sweaty glass of white wine ... More >>

Heat Choke Away Game 5, One Loss Away From Elimination

Holy fucking ass clenching horsefuckery, this team!!The Miami Heat had everything in its favor. A game at home. A 13-point lead in the second quarter. A 9-point lead in the third. The Boston Celtics stars struggling on offense. A chance to go up 3-2 and force Boston to win two games in a row.And yet ... More >>

Heat Drop Two in Boston as Series Goes 2-2

The Miami Heat went into Boston over the weekend and promptly took a giant shit all over their season, as they allowed the Undead Celtics to fight their way back into the Eastern Conference Finals and knot things up at two games apiece. Games 3 and 4 were near mirror images of each other as the Heat ... More >>

Celtics Fans Planning Masked Protest of NBA Referees

Do you think Boston fans are blaming Wednesday's Celtics loss on the weak play of team's veteran core? No, of course not. They're blaming it on the refs. That's just what Boston Celtics fans do. They may have a long list of rivalries with other actual teams, but everyone knows the uniform they despi ... More >>

Heat Overcome Rajon Rondo, Take Game 2 in OT

The Miami Heat aren't going to make this easy. Assholes. The Heat overcame a sluggish start, a dickload of missed free throws, a motivated undead Celtics team, and an All-World epic playoff performance from Rajon Rondo to get their 115-111 overtime win over Boston and take a 2-0 lead in th ... More >>

Heat Take Game 1 of the Eastern Conference Finals

The Miami Heat are three wins away from their second consecutive trip to the NBA Finals after taking down the Boston Celtics 93-79 last night.And while the rest of the world seethes in furious anger in their unbridled and irrational hatred at this news, perhaps even blaming LeBron James for that guy ... More >>

LeBron James and the Heat Extinguish Knicks, Move on to Eastern Conference Semis

After losing Game 4 in New York, and after the Knicks celebrated with streamers and threw a parade down the Canyon of Heroes after winning their first playoff game in 4,024 days, the Miami Heat reminded everyone that they, in fact, are the better team and finally extinguished the Knicks from the pla ... More >>

Three Reasons the Miami Heat Will Knock Out the Knicks Tonight

In Game Four between the Heat and the Knicks, LeBron and D-Wade seemed to decide their buddy 'Melo needed at least one win to save face in New York, so they downed some Quaaludes and let the Knicks have their way with them. How else to explain Wade missing seven of 11 free-throws? They are free, Dwy ... More >>

LeBron Scores 17 in the Fourth, Chris Bosh Is a New Dad, Heat Takes 3-0 Lead Over Knicks

In the annals of human history, people discuss three seminal events: the discovery of fire, the invention of the submarine, and LeBron James always punching the entire city of New York in the asshole. It seemed as if Madison Square Garden would be James's undoing last night. His first three quarters ... More >>

Amar'e Stoudemire's Fight With a Fire Extinguisher Given Taiwanese Animation Treatment

Your favorite Taiwanese animators, the folks at Next Media Animation, have created a faithful take on the last game in the Heat vs. Knicks series.Yes, we do recall LeBron James literally being on fire and jumping off the backs of Knicks players. That is exactly how it happened.

Heat Takes 2-0 Lead Against Knicks

Game 1 of the Eastern Conference quarterfinals between the Miami Heat and the New York Knicks was all about LeBron James smashing people's faces with his giant ball sack. Last night's Game 2 was more of a team effort, with Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh turning in big-time performances worthy of their a ... More >>

LeBron James Leads Heat in Blowout Over Knicks In Game 1 of Eastern Conference Quarterfinals

For all the regular season ups and downs, accolades and drama, people celebrating in the streets with pots and pans when the Miami Heat won, people setting themselves on fire when they lost, the real NBA games that count finally got kicked off yesterday. And with everyone saying that the season will ... More >>

LeBron James Scores 17 in the Final Five Minutes To Lead Win Over Nets

Up until the last 50 seconds of last night's 101-98 win over the New Jersey Nets, the Miami Heat were flat out refusing to give a single fuck. Oh they had fucks. Had them stored away somewhere. Perhaps in a box inside a FedEx truck marked "playoffs." But they just weren't going to be giving any away ... More >>

Heat Loses to the Celtics at Home, Falls Three Games Behind Number One Seed

LeBron James scored a game-high 36 points last night, while the rest of the Miami Heat stood and watched as the Boston Celtics shot 60 percent from the floor in yet another listless-shit-the-bed-let's-all-go-outside-and-punt-a-litter-of-kittens-loss by the Heat.Rajon Rondo once again had his way aga ... More >>

Chris Bosh Returns to the Heat, Proceeds to Destroy the Nets

​Sure, it was the Nets. And sure, they're amongst the worst defenses in the NBA. But holy shitsnacks, it was awesome seeing Chris Bosh back in the Heat fold, dropping his silky smooth jumpers in honor of his dearly departed GloJean and turning Kris Humphries into a human-sized lump of coal in the ... More >>

Miami Heat Say Celtics Set the Big Three Blueprint

​The Boston Celtics are just a single game away from playoff elimination at the hands of the Miami Heat, and LeBron James would just like to say "thank you." Not for proving to be a pretty beatable team, but for providing the inspiration that three superstar players all suiting up for one team cou ... More >>

Heat Playoffs: Heat Take Down Celtics in Overtime

​They had to overcome overtime, bad officiating, the national media's sudden infatuation with a one-armed man, "retarded-gate," Chris Bosh's supposed "softness," LeBron James' inability to close out games, a losing streak in Boston that's lasted since 2007, and a building full of obnoxious fans, b ... More >>

Heat Playoffs: Celtics Strike Back

The Douche Strikes Back!​After roughly 5,836 days in between games, the Miami Heat finally resumed their Eastern Conference semi-final series against the Celtics in Boston. The end result wasn't as awesome as Games 1 and 2, in that the Heat got creamed pretty badly.But the good news is Erik Spoels ... More >>

"That's Retarded": LeBron's Latest Flub

​The word "retard": America just doesn't know what to do with it. True, we should probably retire it for good from our vocabulary, but lets be honest: Many of us normal, untelevised folk still use it pretty regularly. And the Black Eyed Peas had a hit song with "retarded" in the title, for chr ... More >>

Seven Reasons the Miami Heat Deserve to Finish off the Boston Celtics

​The Miami Heat travel to Boston tomorrow to try and begin finishing off the Boston Celtics in round two of the NBA playoffs. Yet, the team still can't shake it's perception of the villains, and lots of Heat haters will be rooting for the Celtics to pull off a comeback out of spite. Yet, the histo ... More >>

Heat Playoffs: LeBron & D-Wade Take Over, Heat Take 2-0 Lead Over Celtics

​Dwyane Wade did a vicious Euro-step crossover on Kevin Garnett that transcended all time and space, and left KG a smoking heap of charred douche. Moments later, Wade crossed over Ray Allen so badly, Allen simply crumpled onto the court like his spine was removed from his body.Later on, LeBron Jam ... More >>

The Celtics' Team Bus Was Robbed in Miami

​Some whiny Celtics fans are complaining that their team got robbed in the first two games of their playoff series against the Heat. Whatever. They're Boston sports fans. They're apt to whine. Though, the team did literally get robbed in Miami last month. According to reports, someone had boarded ... More >>

Heat Playoffs: Wade Drops 38 as Heat Take Game 1 Against Boston

​And in other news.... Dwyane Wade is still pretty amazing.The Miami Heat took the 99-90 Game 1 win over the Boston Celtics in their Eastern Conference Semi-final hoedown.D-Wade dropped 38 points, James Jones added a career playoff high 25 off the bench, and Paul Pierce was ejected with seven minu ... More >>

Heat Playoffs: Heat Close Out 76ers, On To Boston

​Dwyane Wade scored 26, Chris Bosh added 22 and LeBron James finished two assists shy of a triple-double in last night's 97-91 win over the Philadelphia 76ers.But, more importantly, we finally have the answer to the who should have the ball in his hands with the game on the line at crunch time? qu ... More >>

Heat Playoffs: Heat Fail to Sweep 76ers

​The Miami Heat shot 39 percent from the floor, went 5-for-23 from the three-point line, got only 16 total points from their bench, zero points from their starting point guard, and 1 point from their starting center.But all everyone is going to remember from their 86-82 Game 4 loss to the Philadel ... More >>

Heat Playoffs: Late-Game Rally Gives Miami 3-0 Edge

​The Philadelphia 76ers jumped to an early lead, keeping the Miami Heat at bay for much of Game 3.And then the Heat said enough of that already and rallied their way to a 100-94 comeback win to take a commanding 3-0 series lead.The Heat should know that, although we fans like it when they win, we' ... More >>

Heat Playoffs: Big Three Combine for 64 Points

​It's one thing to get obliterated by the Miami Heat's Big Three and their skull crushing offense. But when they rock an opponent's face off with some suffocating defense, well then you really got something.The Heat used their smothering D, combined with their usual badass O and took down the visi ... More >>

Heat Playoffs: Miami Holds Off Pesky 76ers, Take Game 1

After a sluggish start that undoubtedly had everyone jumping through plate glass windows and setting their pants on fire, the Miami Heat managed to get their shit together to beat the Philadelphia 76ers 97-89 and take Game One of their first-round series.The 76ers proved to be a scrappy bunch, mount ... More >>

Heat Beat Celtics, Take No. 2. Seed

LeAss Beatin'​Entering this season, the expectation for the Miami Heat was that they'd give the Boston Celtics a run for their money, and topple them as the best team in the Eastern Conference. But then the Celtics beat Miami three times, taking Suck to a whole other level. Expectations became so ... More >>

Green with Envy

New-Look Nuggets

New York State of Mind

Despite Late-Game Rally, Heat Lose to Boston for Third-Straight Time

​The Miami Heat entered today's game against the Boston Celtics with a chance to take sole possession of first place in the East. They also entered the game riding a pretty nifty eight game-winning streak. But those things quickly turned to the proverbial mound of cat turd as the C's held off ... More >>

Cold Fourth Quarter Sinks Heat

​Dwyane Wade's magic goggles seemed to run out of awesome juice in the fourth quarter of Thursday night's 93-88 loss to the New York Knicks.Because after Wade started the game hitting pretty much every shot he threw up (except his free throws... hit those goddamn free throws, D-Wade!!), he missed ... More >>

Spike Lee is "Gonna Kick LeBron's Ass" and Other Knicks Fans Delusions

​Tonight, the Miami Heat travel to Madison Square Garden to face off against the New York Knicks, who are suddenly relevant again for the first time in years. Of course, New Yorkers are a hell of a lot more excited for the match than Miamians. They're still fuming over the fact that LeBron broke C ... More >>

Knick 'em in the Knees

Heat Fall to the Celtics, Drop to 5-4

​"It's reality now. The chemistry isn't at the level of these good teams." So said LeBron James following the Heat's 112-107 loss the Boston Celtics Thursday night at the American Airlines Arena. The Heat have now dropped 13 of the last 14 regular season meetings to the Celtics, have fallen t ... More >>