Monday Night Football

Sabado Gigante Celebrates 50 Years

Dolphins Shut Out By Patriots 28-0, Go 7-9 Again

Sunday's action featured the incredible story of an extraordinary athlete's return from a horrific injury to come back against all odds, put his team on his back and lead that now playoff-bound team to victory just as the hero himself nearly broke one of the most coveted records in NFL lore. That wa ... More >>

Alec Baldwin Defends Obama, Calls Hank Williams Jr. "A Senile, Racist Coot"

See also "Hank Williams Jr. on Obama: 'Muslim President Who Hates U.S. and We Hate Him.'" Hank Williams Jr. hates Barack Obama. And he also made it abundantly clear this past weekend that he's not fond of Muslims, homosexuals, or anyone who isn't a cowboy. But the former Monday Night Football the ... More >>

Hank Williams Jr. on Obama: "Muslim President Who Hates U.S. and We Hate Him"

See also "Hank Williams Jr. and Five Other Tea Party Musicians." Over the weekend, Hank Williams Jr. exercised his constitutional right to speak out of his ass, making some outlandish statements about President Barack Obama. According to the Huffington Post, the 63-year-old country boy was nearin ... More >>

Ten Forgotten Miami Professional Sports Teams

Today, for better or worse, the Miami market has teams in each of the big four major leagues. It wasn't always that way, though, and besides the Dolphins, Heat, Marlins, and Panthers, several other professional sports teams have called Miami home. In fact, the Magic City's colorful pro spo ... More >>

The Ten Sexiest Super Bowl Commercials Of All Time

​At the end of this week, two hordes of men who have suffered, bled, and fought for five months will meet on a neutral site to bash each others' heads in, to test the limits of their physical strength and stamina, all in the name of sport, conquest, and achieving the status of legend.But who cares ... More >>

Miami Hurricanes' NFL Touchdown Streak Ends After 149 Weeks

​For almost the past nine years, at least one former player for the Miami Hurricanes has scored a touchdown in a regular season NFL game. That historic streak came to an end last night. After U alums went scoreless on Sunday, the sole Cane playing in Monday Night Football, nose tackle Vince Wilfor ... More >>

Miami Dolphins: The Suckiest Bunch of Sucks That Ever Sucked A Suck

​Watching the Miami Dolphins is like opening a gift and expecting something other than a box full of dicks. And that box full of dicks is now 0-5 after a 24-6 loss to their hated rival New York Jets on Monday Night Football.So the bad news is, the Dolphins remain winless and are in last place ... More >>

Hank Williams Jr. and Five Other Tea Party Musicians

​For the better part of 20 years, Hank Williams Jr.'s popularity has ranked somewhere between wallpaper and push-pins. Aside from the Monday Night Football theme, dude's done little to wow us. But then he compared President Obama to Adolf Hitler last week, and we couldn't help but say, "Wow, wha ... More >>

Miami Dolphins Are the 13th Most Popular NFL Team, Highest Ranking in Years

Despite the weekly disaster show on the field, the Miami Dolphins are at their highest level of popularity in years. That's according to a Harris Interactive poll that ranks the 32 NFL teams from America's most favorite to least. The Dolphins are America's 13th favorite team. Unlucky number as ... More >>

Dolphins Need John Gruden to Be Their Coach

Uncle Luke, the man whose booty-shaking madness once made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech, gets as nasty as he wants to be for Miami New Times. This week, Luke explains why the Miami Dolphins should hire John Gruden as head coach.  The only way Miami Dolphins owner Stephen ... More >>

Ready for Some Fraudball?

Top 5 Miami Sports Choking Acts of All Time

Mission FAIL.​Last Friday, FIU shortstop Garrett Wittels stepped up to bat with a near record 56-game hitting streak on the line against Southeastern Louisiana. He whiffed, ending the game 0-4.It was a painful choking act for the 6'2" junior, who waited an entire off-season only to blow it in his ... More >>

2011 Miami Hurricanes Schedule Released

Will the 'Canes open their first game against Randy Shannon? ​The 2011 Miami Hurricanes Schedule has been released, and despite some rumors, they won't be opening the season against Florida State. Though the opener could be even more interesting as they'll travel up to Maryland for a Monday night ... More >>

Univision Wants to be The Number One Network in America in Five Years

​In five years the most watched shows in America could emanate from a massive television studio in Doral. No CBS, Fox, ABC or NBC isn't looking to relocate production from Los Angeles. Univision hopes to make those networks irrelevant, and wants to be the number one network in America. That may no ... More >>

Rev. Gaston Smith, Felonious Pastor, Is Now Hawking Menswear in Liberty City

​Rev. Gaston Smith, the hugely-popular but a lil' bit felonious pastor of Friendship Missionary Baptist Church in Liberty City, is a man of the cloth. Very fine cloth, often tailored into three pieces with a classy handkerchief jutting from a breast pocket and accompanied by some gators on his fee ... More >>

Hurricanes: No Coaching Announcement Today

According to Photoshop, this guy is the next coach of The U​Breaking news: Nothing happened in a meeting between University of Miami Athletic Director Kirby Hocutt and ESPN Monday Night Football analysts Jon Gruden this morning.The Miami Herald is reporting that The U will not be making any head c ... More >>

Will the Dolphins Replace Tony Sparano With Jon Gruden?

​With the Miami Dolphins apparently in the midst of a total implosion, it was only a matter of time before someone began whispering about the future of head coach Tony Sparano. Well, today Greg Cote dropped the bomb that a source tells him Sparano's job might be in trouble, but only if Jon Gruden ... More >>

Dolphins Host the Patriots Tonight: Keys To Victory

Last week, it was against the Jets on Sunday Night Football. Tonight, it's the Patriots on Monday Night Football. That's two straight weeks the Dolphins face an AFC East rival in the national spotlight. Also, it's two straight weeks they face a team with an insufferable fanbase. So tonight is a must ... More >>

Dolphins Fall to the Jets

​As losses go, last night's 31-23 defeat at the hands of the New York Jets was particularly painful. Not just because it was a crappy way for the Fins to open their season at home. But also because the floodgates of troglodytic hubris have now been opened as Jets fans will surely begin to beat the ... More >>

Patriot Massacre

Bulldog Barbecue Offers Touchdown Menu Deal

If you're not a subscriber to our weekly Café Bites dining newsletter, here's a taste of what you're missing. Click here to subscribe.Chef Howie Kleinberg​Howie Kleinberg's Bulldog Barbecue makes worshipping at the church Howard Cosell built more convivial with an economical roster of hearty, mas ... More >>

Defeat the Douchebags

The Monday Night Football Guys Think Highly of the Miami Dolphins

​ESPN's Monday Night Football analysts Ron Jaworski and Jon Gruden held a conference call today to preview the upcoming season and both think the Miami Dolphins are going to beat the odds and play well into January. While pretty much the rest of the planet thinks Miami will finish third in the AFC ... More >>

Hank III and Assjack at Culture Room August 31

Marc Anthony, Enrique Iglesias and Fergie Scheduled to Perform at Dolphins Home Opener

​To quote Hank Williams Jr., "are you ready for some football?" True, that line may not be the most original. But the temptation is simply too great to pass up when the rare opportunity to intone the venerable Monday Night Football open arises for a music writer who's also a lifelong DolFan, a foo ... More >>

Where a Strike Is a Good Thing

Miami Dolphins Win: Turns Out All That Trash Talking Will Get You a Nice Little Beatdown

​Coming into yesterday's rematch in the Meadowlands, Jets players called the Miami Dolphins a gimmicky team, called their Wildcat formation "nonsense," and called Chad Henne a clown. They said they couldn't wait to play Miami again, claimed they were the better team and threatened to take out Henn ... More >>

Weekend Blog Watch: Ted Turner, 850 Bottles, Tailgaiting, Beer, and Key West

Photo via albertoalerigi's Flickr / CC2.0Aaaah! A plate.​Some people are saying this recession is over. Maybe it started when "they" gave us back some time (sorry Arizona), literally. Fall Back dropped early Sunday morning. We're pretty sure that has something to do with farming. Here are some fre ... More >>

Poker in the Front, Burgies in the Back

Jets Fans Whining on Wikipedia?

As we know from the "Wikipedia" entry on Wikipedia, Wikipedia can be edited by anyone. And apparently a few select Jets fans have put down their stone tools and cave paint brushes and figured out a little basic HTML. How do I know? Just check out the Wikipedia entry on the Miami Dolphins and scroll ... More >>

Miami Dolphins Win: Foes Vanquished, Obnoxious Fanbase Silenced, Everything's Beautiful!

​The Miami Dolphins coaching staff must be avid readers of Riptide. Because they pretty much ran down the checklist of our three keys for a Dolphins victory post and came out on top with a thrilling, last second 31-27 victory over the Jets on Monday Night Football. You're welcome, everybody!It was ... More >>

Hank Williams Jr. Sings in Spanish Tonight

The only way to make the Monday Night Football intro that will air tonight for the Dolphins-Jets game better (worse? more surreal? soulless?) is if Jimmy Buffett also sang in Spanish. But having Gloria Estefen beside Hank Williams Jr. as he belts out, "Estos listos para football?" is pretty damn clo ... More >>

Flyer of the Week: ¡Mayday! and Last Rights Clothing Hustle Into the Hotel Victor for Monday Night Football October 12

​You know, media mogul and notorious big baller Ted Turner was totally right when he said: "Sports is like a war without the killing." And that's why our Miami Dolphins should immediately suspend their punk-bitch-porpoise-in-a helmet logo in favor of Last Rights' Mac-10 redesign. For one, this mur ... More >>

Gag Green

Weekly Wrap Up: The Friday Chispa

Jacob KatelKitchen, spoon, plates.​Some broke American alcoholics drink "pink ladies," canned sterno filtered through a piece of bread or an old sock. It can get you drunk, and it can kill you. Cuba's version is called  "chispa de tren," so named for the hallucinations it causes that resemble ... More >>

Forget Marc Anthony, J.Lo, La Gloria, and Jimmy. We Need an Albanian!

So now comes the news that Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony are gonna be celeb minority owners of the Dolphins, like Jimmy Buffett and the Estefans before them. (Follow the jump for the news release.) I get what Dolphins owner Steve Ross is doing. Pandering. That's what he's supposed to do. With ... More >>

Hank III and Assjack to Play Culture Room

The last real country outlaw will blast thrash punk, metal, and psychobilly this Friday.

Kevin Rudolf Is Cash Money's First Rock Act

And it doesn't hurt that Lil Wayne is on the "gangsta emo" guy's debut single.

Dan Marino on Dancing With The Stars?

Night&Day

Seeing Red and White at Wine-tasting Lab

A long-running gathering trounces Monday Night Football and uncorks bonhomie

Letters from the Issue of May 29 - June 4, 2003

Doctor Botox

Get that war-frown off your face!

It's a Family Affair

Hank Williams III hopes country gold comes in threes

Beer & Loathing

Journey into the last, real neighborhood bar on the Beach. It's nothing like Cheers.

Calendar for the week

Program Notes 27

Leadoff Platter

Swelter