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Blogs
January 30, 2012
The Ten Sexiest Super Bowl Commercials Of All Time
At the end of this week, two hordes of men who have suffered, bled, and fought for five months will meet on a neutral site to bash each others' heads in, to test the limits of their physical strength and stamina, all in the name of sport, conquest, and achieving the status of legend.But who cares ... More >>
Blogs
November 22, 2011
Miami Hurricanes' NFL Touchdown Streak Ends After 149 Weeks
For almost the past nine years, at least one former player for the Miami Hurricanes has scored a touchdown in a regular season NFL game. That historic streak came to an end last night. After U alums went scoreless on Sunday, the sole Cane playing in Monday Night Football, nose tackle Vince Wilfor ... More >>
Blogs
October 18, 2011
Miami Dolphins: The Suckiest Bunch of Sucks That Ever Sucked A Suck
Watching the Miami Dolphins is like opening a gift and expecting something other than a box full of dicks. And that box full of dicks is now 0-5 after a 24-6 loss to their hated rival New York Jets on Monday Night Football.So the bad news is, the Dolphins remain winless and are in last place ... More >>
Blogs
October 11, 2011
Hank Williams Jr. and Five Other Tea Party Musicians
For the better part of 20 years, Hank Williams Jr.'s popularity has ranked somewhere between wallpaper and push-pins. Aside from the Monday Night Football theme, dude's done little to wow us. But then he compared President Obama to Adolf Hitler last week, and we couldn't help but say, "Wow, wha ... More >>
Blogs
October 5, 2011
Miami Dolphins Are the 13th Most Popular NFL Team, Highest Ranking in Years
Despite the weekly disaster show on the field, the Miami Dolphins are at their highest level of popularity in years. That's according to a Harris Interactive poll that ranks the 32 NFL teams from America's most favorite to least. The Dolphins are America's 13th favorite team. Unlucky number as ... More >>
Blogs
October 2, 2011
Dolphins Need John Gruden to Be Their Coach
Uncle Luke, the man whose booty-shaking madness once made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech, gets as nasty as he wants to be for Miami New Times. This week, Luke explains why the Miami Dolphins should hire John Gruden as head coach. The only way Miami Dolphins owner Stephen ... More >>
Calendar
September 1, 2011
Ready for Some Fraudball?
Uncle Luke, the man whose booty-shaking madness once made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech, gets as nasty as he wants to be for Miami New Times. This week, Luke explains why the Miami Dolphins should hire John Gruden as head coach. The only way Miami Dolphins owner Stephen ... More >>
Blogs
February 22, 2011
Top 5 Miami Sports Choking Acts of All Time
Mission FAIL.Last Friday, FIU shortstop Garrett Wittels stepped up to bat with a near record 56-game hitting streak on the line against Southeastern Louisiana. He whiffed, ending the game 0-4.It was a painful choking act for the 6'2" junior, who waited an entire off-season only to blow it in his ... More >>
Blogs
February 14, 2011
2011 Miami Hurricanes Schedule Released
Will the 'Canes open their first game against Randy Shannon? The 2011 Miami Hurricanes Schedule has been released, and despite some rumors, they won't be opening the season against Florida State. Though the opener could be even more interesting as they'll travel up to Maryland for a Monday night ... More >>
Blogs
January 26, 2011
Univision Wants to be The Number One Network in America in Five Years
In five years the most watched shows in America could emanate from a massive television studio in Doral. No CBS, Fox, ABC or NBC isn't looking to relocate production from Los Angeles. Univision hopes to make those networks irrelevant, and wants to be the number one network in America. That may no ... More >>
Blogs
January 13, 2011
Rev. Gaston Smith, Felonious Pastor, Is Now Hawking Menswear in Liberty City
Rev. Gaston Smith, the hugely-popular but a lil' bit felonious pastor of Friendship Missionary Baptist Church in Liberty City, is a man of the cloth. Very fine cloth, often tailored into three pieces with a classy handkerchief jutting from a breast pocket and accompanied by some gators on his fee ... More >>
Blogs
December 1, 2010
Hurricanes: No Coaching Announcement Today
According to Photoshop, this guy is the next coach of The UBreaking news: Nothing happened in a meeting between University of Miami Athletic Director Kirby Hocutt and ESPN Monday Night Football analysts Jon Gruden this morning.The Miami Herald is reporting that The U will not be making any head c ... More >>
Blogs
November 26, 2010
Will the Dolphins Replace Tony Sparano With Jon Gruden?
With the Miami Dolphins apparently in the midst of a total implosion, it was only a matter of time before someone began whispering about the future of head coach Tony Sparano. Well, today Greg Cote dropped the bomb that a source tells him Sparano's job might be in trouble, but only if Jon Gruden ... More >>
Blogs
October 4, 2010
Dolphins Host the Patriots Tonight: Keys To Victory
Last week, it was against the Jets on Sunday Night Football. Tonight, it's the Patriots on Monday Night Football. That's two straight weeks the Dolphins face an AFC East rival in the national spotlight. Also, it's two straight weeks they face a team with an insufferable fanbase. So tonight is a must ... More >>
Blogs
September 27, 2010
Dolphins Fall to the Jets
As losses go, last night's 31-23 defeat at the hands of the New York Jets was particularly painful. Not just because it was a crappy way for the Fins to open their season at home. But also because the floodgates of troglodytic hubris have now been opened as Jets fans will surely begin to beat the ... More >>
Calendar
September 23, 2010
Patriot Massacre
As losses go, last night's 31-23 defeat at the hands of the New York Jets was particularly painful. Not just because it was a crappy way for the Fins to open their season at home. But also because the floodgates of troglodytic hubris have now been opened as Jets fans will surely begin to beat the ... More >>
Blogs
September 21, 2010
Bulldog Barbecue Offers Touchdown Menu Deal
If you're not a subscriber to our weekly Café Bites dining newsletter, here's a taste of what you're missing. Click here to subscribe.Chef Howie KleinbergHowie Kleinberg's Bulldog Barbecue makes worshipping at the church Howard Cosell built more convivial with an economical roster of hearty, mas ... More >>
Calendar
September 16, 2010
Defeat the Douchebags
If you're not a subscriber to our weekly Café Bites dining newsletter, here's a taste of what you're missing. Click here to subscribe.Chef Howie KleinbergHowie Kleinberg's Bulldog Barbecue makes worshipping at the church Howard Cosell built more convivial with an economical roster of hearty, mas ... More >>
Blogs
September 1, 2010
The Monday Night Football Guys Think Highly of the Miami Dolphins
ESPN's Monday Night Football analysts Ron Jaworski and Jon Gruden held a conference call today to preview the upcoming season and both think the Miami Dolphins are going to beat the odds and play well into January. While pretty much the rest of the planet thinks Miami will finish third in the AFC ... More >>
Music
August 26, 2010
Hank III and Assjack at Culture Room August 31
ESPN's Monday Night Football analysts Ron Jaworski and Jon Gruden held a conference call today to preview the upcoming season and both think the Miami Dolphins are going to beat the odds and play well into January. While pretty much the rest of the planet thinks Miami will finish third in the AFC ... More >>
Blogs
August 25, 2010
Marc Anthony, Enrique Iglesias and Fergie Scheduled to Perform at Dolphins Home Opener
To quote Hank Williams Jr., "are you ready for some football?" True, that line may not be the most original. But the temptation is simply too great to pass up when the rare opportunity to intone the venerable Monday Night Football open arises for a music writer who's also a lifelong DolFan, a foo ... More >>
Calendar
November 19, 2009
Where a Strike Is a Good Thing
To quote Hank Williams Jr., "are you ready for some football?" True, that line may not be the most original. But the temptation is simply too great to pass up when the rare opportunity to intone the venerable Monday Night Football open arises for a music writer who's also a lifelong DolFan, a foo ... More >>
Blogs
November 2, 2009
Miami Dolphins Win: Turns Out All That Trash Talking Will Get You a Nice Little Beatdown
Coming into yesterday's rematch in the Meadowlands, Jets players called the Miami Dolphins a gimmicky team, called their Wildcat formation "nonsense," and called Chad Henne a clown. They said they couldn't wait to play Miami again, claimed they were the better team and threatened to take out Henn ... More >>
Blogs
November 2, 2009
Weekend Blog Watch: Ted Turner, 850 Bottles, Tailgaiting, Beer, and Key West
Photo via albertoalerigi's Flickr / CC2.0Aaaah! A plate.Some people are saying this recession is over. Maybe it started when "they" gave us back some time (sorry Arizona), literally. Fall Back dropped early Sunday morning. We're pretty sure that has something to do with farming. Here are some fre ... More >>
Calendar
October 22, 2009
Poker in the Front, Burgies in the Back
Photo via albertoalerigi's Flickr / CC2.0Aaaah! A plate.Some people are saying this recession is over. Maybe it started when "they" gave us back some time (sorry Arizona), literally. Fall Back dropped early Sunday morning. We're pretty sure that has something to do with farming. Here are some fre ... More >>
Blogs
October 16, 2009
Jets Fans Whining on Wikipedia?
As we know from the "Wikipedia" entry on Wikipedia, Wikipedia can be edited by anyone. And apparently a few select Jets fans have put down their stone tools and cave paint brushes and figured out a little basic HTML. How do I know? Just check out the Wikipedia entry on the Miami Dolphins and scroll ... More >>
Blogs
October 13, 2009
Miami Dolphins Win: Foes Vanquished, Obnoxious Fanbase Silenced, Everything's Beautiful!
The Miami Dolphins coaching staff must be avid readers of Riptide. Because they pretty much ran down the checklist of our three keys for a Dolphins victory post and came out on top with a thrilling, last second 31-27 victory over the Jets on Monday Night Football. You're welcome, everybody!It was ... More >>
Blogs
October 12, 2009
Hank Williams Jr. Sings in Spanish Tonight
The only way to make the Monday Night Football intro that will air tonight for the Dolphins-Jets game better (worse? more surreal? soulless?) is if Jimmy Buffett also sang in Spanish. But having Gloria Estefen beside Hank Williams Jr. as he belts out, "Estos listos para football?" is pretty damn clo ... More >>
Blogs
October 9, 2009
Flyer of the Week: ¡Mayday! and Last Rights Clothing Hustle Into the Hotel Victor for Monday Night Football October 12
You know, media mogul and notorious big baller Ted Turner was totally right when he said: "Sports is like a war without the killing." And that's why our Miami Dolphins should immediately suspend their punk-bitch-porpoise-in-a helmet logo in favor of Last Rights' Mac-10 redesign. For one, this mur ... More >>
Calendar
October 8, 2009
Gag Green
You know, media mogul and notorious big baller Ted Turner was totally right when he said: "Sports is like a war without the killing." And that's why our Miami Dolphins should immediately suspend their punk-bitch-porpoise-in-a helmet logo in favor of Last Rights' Mac-10 redesign. For one, this mur ... More >>
Blogs
October 2, 2009
Weekly Wrap Up: The Friday Chispa
Jacob KatelKitchen, spoon, plates.Some broke American alcoholics drink "pink ladies," canned sterno filtered through a piece of bread or an old sock. It can get you drunk, and it can kill you. Cuba's version is called "chispa de tren," so named for the hallucinations it causes that resemble ... More >>
Blogs
July 22, 2009
Forget Marc Anthony, J.Lo, La Gloria, and Jimmy. We Need an Albanian!
So now comes the news that Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony are gonna be celeb minority owners of the Dolphins, like Jimmy Buffett and the Estefans before them. (Follow the jump for the news release.) I get what Dolphins owner Steve Ross is doing. Pandering. That's what he's supposed to do. With ... More >>
Music
July 9, 2009
Hank III and Assjack to Play Culture Room
The last real country outlaw will blast thrash punk, metal, and psychobilly this Friday.
Music
October 30, 2008
Kevin Rudolf Is Cash Money's First Rock Act
And it doesn't hurt that Lil Wayne is on the "gangsta emo" guy's debut single.
Blogs
August 6, 2008
Dan Marino on Dancing With The Stars?
And it doesn't hurt that Lil Wayne is on the "gangsta emo" guy's debut single.
News
September 21, 2006
Welcome to the Voyeurdome
Will Pink TV's brand of participatory porn be the future of the industry?
Calendar
December 16, 2004
Night&Day
Will Pink TV's brand of participatory porn be the future of the industry?
Dining
December 11, 2003
Seeing Red and White at Wine-tasting Lab
A long-running gathering trounces Monday Night Football and uncorks bonhomie
News
May 29, 2003
Letters from the Issue of May 29 - June 4, 2003
A long-running gathering trounces Monday Night Football and uncorks bonhomie
Calendar
April 3, 2003
Doctor Botox
Get that war-frown off your face!
Film
April 12, 2001
Dirt Farmer
Sandler and Spade continue their avid quest to dumb down America
Music
February 10, 2000
It's a Family Affair
Hank Williams III hopes country gold comes in threes
News
September 23, 1999
Waiting for Floyd
New Times reporters hit the road to bring you all the prehurricane weirdness fit to print
News
November 7, 1996
Beer & Loathing
Journey into the last, real neighborhood bar on the Beach. It's nothing like Cheers.
Calendar
August 1, 1996
Calendar for the week
Journey into the last, real neighborhood bar on the Beach. It's nothing like Cheers.
News
October 20, 1993
Program Notes 27
Journey into the last, real neighborhood bar on the Beach. It's nothing like Cheers.
Dining
July 28, 1993
Leadoff Platter
Journey into the last, real neighborhood bar on the Beach. It's nothing like Cheers.
News
September 23, 1992
Swelter
Journey into the last, real neighborhood bar on the Beach. It's nothing like Cheers.

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