Miami Marlins

Now the Florida Panthers Want A Public Handout: A $4.2 Million Scoreboard

First, the Miami Marlins duped their way to a deal that will eventually cost taxpayers $1 billion for a new ballpark. That's panned out about as well as early stock investments in Hindenberg, Inc. Then the Dolphins tried their hand with a campaign to get more than $200 million for Sun Life Stadium r ... More >>

Marlins Player A.J. Ramos Fails in Giant Omelete-Eating Contest

The Miami Marlins can't seem to win much of anything lately. Not even an omelet-eating contest. While the team was in San Diego last week, reliever A.J. Ramos walked into the Broken Yoke Café and decided to try the restaurant's "Iron Man Challenge." Contestants are tasked with eating a meal featu ... More >>

Five Sports Owners Worse Than Jeffrey Loria

Five Sports Owners (Maybe) Worse Than Jeffrey Loria

Marlins fans can be forgiven for waking up every morning and thinking, "It can't possibly get any worse than this." The team has the worst record in baseball, the franchise is a rather un-hilarious joke and Loria is less popular than Castro. But oh, it can get worse. The consensus right now is that ... More >>

Another Day, Another Record-Low Crowd at Marlins Park, Another Fish Shutout

Get used to that headline up there, Miami. If Riptide were a lazier sort of operation, we'd copy it onto our desktop and recycle it over and over during homestands. One day after setting a new low attendance mark at Marlins Park, the Fish shattered that record last night by drawing just 13,810. How ... More >>

Mike Piazza to Appear Onstage With Miami City Ballet

Miami City Ballet is about to have its own experience with dancing with the stars. Former All-Star catcher Mike Piazza (who, you might recall, was a Florida Marlins once for approximately a week) will join the production Slaughter on Tenth Avenue on May 3. 

The Marlins Are Worth $243 Million More Than They Were Four Years Ago

Jeffrey Loria may try to paint the Miami Marlins as a money drain, but he's certainly getting a big ol' bang for his investment buck. According to new Forbes estimates out today, the Marlins are worth $520 million. That's only 26th in the league, but significantly up from the $360 million the team w ... More >>

Brickell Food & Wine Fest: Don Julio Cocktail Competition, Ceviche Sampling, Free Kids' Zone

If it were up to us, every weekend would entail a food and wine fest of some sort. After all, you can never have too much food/booze/revelry. So we're pretty stoked about the third annual Brickell Food & Wine Festival, hitting the Miami Circle this weekend. The festival will feature sampling from m ... More >>

SoBeWFF: Women Rule Delta Diamond Dishes

Look, we're not sports experts (unless you consider competitive eating a sport), but we will tell you that there's a frisson of electricity that runs through you when you step onto a major league baseball diamond. And that's what happened at last evening's South Beach Wine & Food Festival Diamon ... More >>

Miami Marlins' Giancarlo Stanton Gets Traded to Devo for ESPN The Magazine's Music Issue

Sure, the Miami Marlins might've been passive-aggressively shopping slugger Giancarlo Staton to any MLB team prepared to spend an "overwhelming" amount of cash. But trading the last star in the Marlins' clubhouse to a New Wave art-punk band from Akron, Ohio that's best known for singing "Whip It" w ... More >>

Miami Dolphins Stadium Renovation: A Political Insider's Guide

Give Stephen Ross props. He stepped up to Norman Braman one billionaire to another and slapped him across the face with a clean white glove. With a full page ad undermining Braman's credibility in Tuesday's edition of the Miami Herald, Ross let Braman know he's got the cash to parry any attacks the ... More >>

Miami Dolphins Ask Everyone To Forget About Marlins Park and Fund $400 Million In Sun Life Fixes

The Miami Marlins swindled local taxpayers out of nearly $500 million while lying about team finances. The Miami Heat cook their books every year to pretend American Airlines Arena -- home to the world's greatest basketball team -- still isn't profitable enough to pay rent to taxpayers.So as perpetu ... More >>

Miami's 2013 Resolutions: Jeffrey Loria Needs to Shut Up, Jeff Ireland Needs to Man Up

Rick Ross, John McAfee, and Jeffrey Loria in 2013

What Will Become Of John McAfee, Marco Rubio and Jeffrey Loria?

Uncle Luke, the man whose booty shaking madness made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech gets as nasty as he wants to be for Miami New Times. This week, Luke makes his predictions for the new year. What will happen in 2013 to capture people's attention? Who will do something to make us s ... More >>

New Year Resolutions For Miami's Best and Brightest

The world didn't end after all on December 21, so now we all gotta make amends for our bad behavior in 2012. Our New Year's resolutions last year all failed, of course, whether it was taking abuelita to church every Sunday or deleting our Facebook accounts because Mark Zuckerberg is a privacy-pirati ... More >>

Miami New Times' Dirty Dozen 2012

World Music Awards 2012 in Miami: Beyonce, Justin Bieber, Jimmy Buffet Nominated

That $515 million ballpark in Little Havana that Miami-Dade taxpayers helped build for Major League Baseball's biggest joke, Jeffery Loria's Miami Marlins, is finally being put to good use. For only the third time in its 23-year history, the World Music Awards are coming to the United States. And ... More >>

Marlins Actually Sign Someone: Placido Polanco

After selling off just about every player with anything resembling major league talent, the Miami Marlins have actually signed someone. Yes, they're bringing in two-time All-Star third baseman Placido Polanco, but the deal is only for a single season.

Report: Marlins Open to Trading Giancarlo Stanton, Too

The Marlins have pretty much traded away every notable player on the roster not named Giancarlo Stanton, and it appears that Jeffrey Loria and his staff might be prepared to let the young slugger go, too. For the right price that is.

Mark Buehrle's Pit Bull Not Welcome in Toronto Either

When the Marlins signed Mark Buehrle last year, the starting pitcher soon realized that his pet pit bull Slater wasn't welcome in Miami thanks to the county's pit bull ban. At least in South Florida he had the option of moving his family up to Broward County, where the dogs are legal.Shortly after f ... More >>

Norman Braman's Contributions Dried Up For the Nov. 6 County Commission Run-Offs

After raising nearly a million bucks to unseat four Miami-Dade County Commissioners in the August 14 primary, it seems billionaire auto magnate Norman Braman threw in the towel. According to the last three financial reports for his political action committee Change Miami Dade Now, Braman only chippe ... More >>

Vote No on All 12 Constitutional Amendments, the Crandon Park Tennis Center renovation, and These Guys

Election 2012: Just Vote No To These Catastrophes

When you head to the polls this week to cast a vote for the prez or to throw your weight behind Mittens, you might be surprised to find one of the longest ballots ever created. You'd never know it from the nightly news, but it turns out you'll have to decide on much more than just the presidential r ... More >>

Could Alex Rodriguez Be a Miami Marlin Next Season? Keith Olbermann Says So

Are the New York Yankees looking to unload Alex Rodriguez on the Miami Marlins next season? That's what Keith Olbermann, of all people, is reporting. The liberal newsman turned baseball blogger says that the teams are discussing a deal that could see A-Rod traded to Miami in exchange for Heath Bell. ... More >>

Marlins "Aggressively Seeking" Manager to Replace Ozzie Guillen

Is Ozzie Guillen's time in Miami over? It's hard to imagine a more disastrous season for a manager. Not only did the man manage to piss off half of his fan base by declaring his "love" for Fidel Castro, but he also sunk a promising start into a prolonged team meltdown that saw the Fish end up at the ... More >>

Ozzie Guillen Might Get Fired Over Terrible Marlins Season

The Miami Marlins first season in their taxpayer-funded Little Havana palacio has been nothing short of a catastrophe; the team was out of contention by August and so boring and terrible that the Franchise -- the Showtime series chronicling the club's season -- ended early after star Hanley Ramirez ... More >>

Miami Marlins Take Timeout From Sucking To Dress Up As Water Polo Players In Times Square

When it comes to sports, there is a long and storied tradition of punking rookies. First-year professional ballers have being forced to wear Justin Bieber backpacks or had their SUVs filled with popcorn, for example. Some high school sports teams even make their rookies dip their genitals in Icy Hot ... More >>

No One Bothered to Watch the Hurricanes Beat Bethune-Cookman

Remember the good ol' days when the Florida Marlins played at Sun Life and the blinding sight of tens of thousands of empty orange seats mocked the athletes toiling inside the echoing, empty stadium?It was throwback day in Miami Gardens on Saturday, as Canes fans -- still burned by a horrific beatdo ... More >>

County Commissioners Pepe Diaz And Sally Heyman Want To Expose Horrible Dog Owners

Forget about absentee ballot brokers stealing elections! Forget about county officials stealing from the public till! Forget about the Miami Marlins ball park boondoggle! Irresponsible dog owners are clearly the greatest menace facing our community.A pair of Miami-Dade County commissioners are pushi ... More >>

Ninety-Five Strikes

Six Best Club Parties on South Beach This Weekend

Spoiler alert! Y'all watch the final episode of the The Franchise last night? Well, we're miserable, quite possibly the saddest sacks of sunflower seeds in Major League Baseball. But the Marlins' front office is confident that 2013 will be the year of the Fish. Sure ... Until then, it's goose egg ... More >>

Fifty Shades of Marlins

Your Guide To The Mysterious Political Committees Raising Big Bucks For Miami Candidates

Read "Carlos Gimenez Collects Half-A-Million Bucks In First Round of Fundraising" and "Carlos Gimenez Has Raised Nearly Twice As Much As Challenger Joe Martinez."With one day left before the primary, we're going to miss the proliferation of groups with cryptic, yet patriotic, monikers spreading misi ... More >>

Reader Mail: Norman Braman Is a Bully in the Guise of a Civic-Minded Leader

Burger, Beer And Balls Bash Brings Foodie Joy To Brickell on Saturday

Worried you'll have nothing to do this Saturday afternoon after a week's worth of hard work? Swing by the Inaugural Burger, Beer and Balls Bash presented by Taste of Brickell Food and Wine Festival at the historic Miami Circle, 401 Brickell Ave., next to The Icon Brickell, from 4 to 10 p.m."Its a g ... More >>

Six Best Club Parties on South Beach This Weekend

How 'bout them Marlins? Just kidding. Despite the win last night over Atlanta, the Fish are still struggling to stay afloat. The team's front office spent the better part of July trading key members of the organization and freeing up the payroll. For whatever reason, Heath Bell's still wearing a ... More >>

Ten Forgotten Miami Professional Sports Teams

Today, for better or worse, the Miami market has teams in each of the big four major leagues. It wasn't always that way, though, and besides the Dolphins, Heat, Marlins, and Panthers, several other professional sports teams have called Miami home. In fact, the Magic City's colorful pro spo ... More >>

Marlins Firesale: Four More Creative Ways For Jeffrey Loria To Cash Out On The Team

By the time you read this, your favorite Miami Marlin has probably been sent packing. For the third time in franchise history, a fire sale is raging. The face of the franchise, Hanley Ramirez, is now a Dodger; the last Marlin to throw a no-no, Anibal Sanchez, and the best infielder, Omar Infante, ar ... More >>

Marlins' Logan Morrison Officially Grossed Out By Public Breastfeeding

Also read: "Logan Morrison is the Marlins' tweeter-in-chief."On Thursday afternoon, Miami Marlins outfielder and social-media savant Logan Morrison saw something at a local Nordstrom's that shocked him to his core. No, not a two-for-one sale on Calvin Klein underwear. He chanced upon a mother breast ... More >>

Hanley Ramirez Traded to the Dodgers As Marlins Firesale Rages On

On The Franchise, Showtime's series following the Marlins this season, GM Michael Hill recently had this to say about the team's core, lead by Hanley Ramirez: "The veterans have crapped all over themselves."That smack-down may not have been the best strategy for pumping up Ramirez's trade value, but ... More >>

The Franchise Episode 2 Recap: LoMo Meets His Hero & Lo Viste

It's fitting that the same day big trade rumors involving Heath Bell and Hanley Ramirez surface, episode two of The Franchise is pretty much framed around a trade deadline discussion roundtable with Jeffery Loria, Larry Beinfest and their DERP lackeys (or maybe the Marlins PLANTED those rumors as a ... More >>

Wild Ones

Foul Balls, Foul Mouth

Clevelander Looking for Hot, Young, Shirtless Dudes to Entertain Marlins Fans

Like so many lonely, overtanned divorcées, Marlins Park might soon get its very own in-house pool boy.The Clevelander and Marlins Park have put out a call for local hunks who don't mind walking around in nothing but swim trunks while watching baseball. It'll be a far cry from the days when the most ... More >>

Ozzie Guillen Ranked Least-Respected Manager in Poll of 100 Players

Much like Rodney Dangerfield, Ozzie Guillen gets no respect. A recent poll of 100 current MLB players by Men's Journal reveals that the Venezuelan loud mouth is the least respected baseball manager currently in the league. He ran away with the dishonor by a wide margin.

Albert Almora, Mater Academy Star, Taken Sixth By Cubs In MLB Draft

Hialeah Gardens' Mater Academy senior Albert Almora has one hell of a choice on his hands this morning -- whether to become a star playing college baseball for his hometown Canes, or whether to take an estimated $3.25 million bonus to join the Chicago Cubs system.Almora tells the Miami Herald this m ... More >>

Jose Gets His Groove Back

Basshead

Marianela

Leadoff Platter