Miami Marlins

Everybody’s Doing the Fish

Marlins in the Midst of An Amazing Non-Sucking Streak

The Miami Marlins have recently shocked the sports world by going on a breathtaking run in which the team has not completely sucked. A team that started of the season with just five wins in their first 24 games suddenly can now be described with such high praise as "competent," "slightly better than ... More >>

Reader Mail: No One Is Worse Than Jeffrey Loria

If You Build It, They Still Won’t Come

Tervis Tumblers: Ten Reasons They Are the Best Invention Ever

The human body is approximately 65 percent liquid, which means we inevitably do a lot of drinking to keep that waterlogged equilibrium. Whether it's the recommended allowance of H20 or copious quantities of booze, there's lots of the wet stuff constantly flowing down our gullets. So proper drinkwa ... More >>

Marlins' Terrible Home-Run Sculpture Cost More Than Most of Their Roster

Hope you're psyched for Opening Day, Miami! Your hometown Marlins are off to a roaring start. If by "roaring," you mean they're tied for the worst record in baseball, have scored just 14 runs in six games, and are so desperate for a first-baseman they held open auditions yesterday, that is.Just in c ... More >>

2013 Miami Marlins Lineup: A Position-by-Position Analysis

Marlins Have Shot at Breaking MLB Record: Starting Season By Getting Shutout Three Times

Well, we were being a bit facetious by trying to get excited about the Marlins going on the longest losing streak in MLB history, but it turns out the team is already on the brink of setting another dubious record. They could become the first team on record since at least 1916 to start the season wi ... More >>

Take Me Out

Marlins Season Predictions: Hysteria, Huge Loses, and Hugo Chavez Bobble-Head Dolls

Opening day is about hope. Sure, there's beer and hotdogs and warm weather and, um, more beer. But underneath all that, baseball's new beginning is about the effervescent inkling that this year is going to be better than the last.Hope is a four-letter word these days for Marlins fans, however. First ... More >>

Marlins Suffer First Loss in What Some Hope Could Be Historic Streak

In the first shutout of the young MLB season, the Miami Marlins fell to the Washington National 0-2 today, but fans of schadenfreude only have one number on their mind: 20. That would give the Marlins the single longest losing streak in the post-wildcard era. If anyone can top the 2005 Kansas City R ... More >>

Meet the 2013 Miami Marlins! A Position-By-Position Analysis of Baseball's Worst Lineup

Step right up, meet your 2013 Miami Marlins, same as the 2012 Miami Marlins -- only completely different! If you're anything like me, you're angry, you're hurt, and you may or may not say to yourself during a jog, "Hey, that's a good place to hide a body named Jeffrey Loria!" But hear me out, we got ... More >>

New Times Says No to MLB

Miami Marlins Refuse Venezuelan Team a Moment of Silence for Hugo Chavez

You could trace the Miami Marlins' tailspin to last April, when new manager Ozzie Guillen pissed off the most important exiles in town by praising Fidel Castro. Surely the team had that fiasco in mind when news of the death of Miami's second-most-hated strongman, Hugo Chávez, was announced shortly ... More >>

Reader Mail: The CIA Definitely Runs Drugs

Ex-Dolphins QB Pat White Signs With The Marlins

Sometimes it seems the Marlins and Dolphins are trying to pull one big joke on South Florida, and now it appears the Marlins are set to recycle one of the Dolphins biggest punchlines.Pat White, a name synonymous with Bill Parcells' crappy draft picks, has been offered a minor league contract with th ... More >>

Marlins May Face Wrath of the Players Union If They Don't Up Payroll

Locals aren't the only ones pissed over the Marlins' most recent fire sale. The MLB players union is also keeping a close eye on the team's roster, and apparently has promised to take action if the Marlins don't do anything about it soon.Well, lo and behold, MLB.com is out with a story today in whic ... More >>

Mayan Calendar Predictions vs. Miami Reality

Miami Marlins Trade Yunel Escobar, Now Have MLB's Lowest Payroll

Yunel Escobar promised to be the strip-mined Miami Marlins' most interesting player next year. The Cuban shortstop had loads of talent, plus an unmatched ability to act incredibly dumb -- like last season, when he was suspended for writing the anti-gay slur "Tu Ere Maricon" on his eyeblack.Well, Esc ... More >>

The Miami Marlins Just Traded All Their Players: Reyes, Johnson, Buehrle, Buck and Bonafacio All Gone

One year after the taxpayers of Miami-Dade gave Jeffrey Loria a brand new, $560 million ballpark, he's already given up even pretending to field a major league baseball team. In one of the largest salary dumps in the history of baseball, the Marlins are reportedly shipping basically every player on ... More >>

Miami Marlins Hire Former Player Mike Redmond as Manager

The Miami Marlins have hired a new manager to replace the ousted Ozzie Guillen, and he's no stranger to the club. Mike Redmond made his major league debut as a catcher for the Marlins back in 1998 and played with the team through 2004. He'll now return as the team's new manager according to reports.

Ozzie Guillen Fired as Miami Marlins Manager

Ozzie Guillen came to Miami as the new Marlins manager just over a year ago. What followed was a Fidel Castro controversy, a lot of odd outbursts, and yet another season of typical Marlins disappointment. Now, with three years and $7.5 million left on his contract, the Marlins have officially fired ... More >>

Miami Marlins Keep Lying About Stadium

Marlins Give Second Chance to Adam Greenberg, Beaned In His Only MLB At-Bat

Sports teams are like Hollywood movies: sometimes they can be so bad they're actually good. Such is the case with the Miami Marlins, who are quickly becoming the Snakes on a Plane of professional baseball. More than seven years ago, Adam Greenberg was called up by the Chicago Cubs for his first MLB ... More >>

A Change(up) is Gonna Come

Beat the Cheeseheads

Here's a Man With a Giant Dolphins Tattoo on His Head

You may think you are a hardcore Miami Dolphins fan, but do you have the team's logo tattooed across the back of your head? No. No you probably do not. Unless you are Emmett Dove, who shared his mark of the aquatic beast on Twitter today.

The Franchise Will End Early Because The Marlins Suck So Much

Wednesday night's episode of Showtime's baseball docudrama The Franchise, which this season is following the Miami Marlins, will be its last. At least two more episodes were originally planned, with the option for others, but the Marlins and Showtime have decided to pull the plug early, because, wel ... More >>

The No-Name Fish

Reader Mail: Florida Needs to Ban Red-Light Cameras

The Marlins Gave Up Hanley, but There's Plenty Left to Trade

Marlins Facebook Account Hacked with Promise of "Free Pit Bull" Night

Earlier today, someone hacked into the Facebook accounts of several Major League Baseball teams and the Marlins were not spared. For a brief moment, the Marlins Facebook page promised the first 10,000 fans in attendance at the next game that they'd receive a free "fighting pit bull."

The Marlins Fire Sale is Over ... For Now: Josh Johnson Won't Be Traded

The MLB trade deadline is tomorrow, and Marlins fans fearful that the team would nuke its lineup can prepare to breath a sigh of relief. ESPN reports that star pitcher Josh Johnson probably will not be traded before tomorrow's MLB trade deadline.But those of us who would like to be fans one day when ... More >>

The Franchise Episode 3 Recap: Crappy By Committee

Three episodes into The Franchise, shit is already getting all kinds of depressing. After two episodes of ups and downs and HEY LOOK AT OUR NEW STADIUM! wackiness, the Marlins are in a tail spin, out of the playoff hunt, reverting to a closer by committee to cover up Heath Bell's dookie-filled- ... More >>

Losers’ Ball

The Marlins Have Officially Given Up All Hope This Season

There was a time in May, when the Heat were on their way to a championship, the Panthers had won their first ever division title, and the Marlins completed the best record that month in MLB, when we had a glimmer of hope (albeit somewhat tempered by the Dolphins) that this may be the first year sinc ... More >>

Big Fat Disappointment

Report: Marlins' Hanley Ramirez and Heath Bell Could Be Traded for Boston's Carl Crawford

In what could be the second-largest trade in Major League Baseball history, reports are flying that the Marlins could be shipping stars Hanley Ramirez and Heath Bell to Boston in exchange for the Red Sox's Carl Crawford. USA Today is reporting the trade, and apparently the deal may come down to whet ... More >>

The Franchise Episode 1 Recap: Peaks, Valleys & F-Bombs

The first episode of The Franchise: Miami Marlins featured a shitload of F-bombs and was narrated by Don Draper, officially making The Franchise the greatest thing on TV ever.The first episode covered Ozzie Guillen's Fidel Castro comments, the team's blowing shit up in May, and their shit-the-b ... More >>

Ozzie Guillen Wishes He Was Erik Spoelstra

While the Miami Heat paraded down Biscayne Boulevard on Monday, hoisting their trophy from the top of double-decker buses, all Marlins Manager Ozzie Guillen could do was watch. He'd been there before. Once as a member of the coaching staff of the 2003 Marlins, and again as the manager of the Chicago ... More >>

Luke's Gospel: Miami Heat Is Way Ahead of Dolphins, Marlins

Stank Ball

Jeffrey Loria and Stephen Ross Can Learn a Lot From Micky Arison

Uncle Luke, the man whose booty-shaking madness made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech, gets as nasty as he wants to be for Miami New Times. This week, Luke says the Heat is the number one franchise in Miami.Jeffrey Loria and Stephen Ross need to set up a powwow with Micky Arison and P ... More >>

Meanwhile, Marlins Manager Resorts to Booze and Pills as Team Continues to Suck

For the Marlins, June is the cruelest month. They've cemented a tradition in the past few seasons of starting off strong and seeing it all sink away in the sixth month. A revamped roster, new name, new stadium, and new manager couldn't stave off the June slump. They're 4-14 for the month after havin ... More >>

May Marlins M.I.A.

Top Ballpark Hot Dogs: What Should Be Marlins Signature Wiener?

The Miami Marlins, who continue a homestand against the Atlanta Braves at Marlin Stadium tonight, have officially adopted a new pup to go along with their fancy new stadium, logo, name, and branding.Kayem Foods recently signed a multi-year contract with the team to be the official provider of all fr ... More >>

Old Meets New

Marlins Tickets Are Now The Cheapest in the MLB Despite Having the Best Record in May

The Miami Marlins started the season with the most expensive tickets in the league. Granted, that was for their opening day game against the defending world champs in their brand new stadium, but according to a site that aggregates secondary market tickets prices, the Marlins now have the least in d ... More >>

Money Balls

Seafood Strikeout