Miami Dolphins

Miami Dolphins Stadium Renovation Was Failing at the Polls Before Tally Killed It

When the House spiked a bill two weeks ago to let the Miami Dolphins raise bed taxes to fund a stadium renovation, team owner Stephen Ross went ballastic, lashing out at Speaker Will Weatherford for taking away Miami voters' chance to have a say on the project. He shouldn't have bothered. Results r ... More >>

Norman Braman Won the Battle, but Stephen Ross Is Going to War

Uncle Luke, the man whose booty-shaking madness made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech, gets as nasty as he wants to be for Miami New Times. This week, Luke assesses Stephen Ross' next move. In the battle of Miami billionaires, Norman Braman beat Stephen Ross thanks to Florida House S ... More >>

Tim Tebow to the Dolphins! How I Trolled Twitter Into Believing an Absurd Rumor

I love Twitter a lot -- like 83,000-tweets-and-counting a lot. So I didn't troll everyone yesterday with fake news about Tim Tebow joining the Dolphins because I was mad. I did it because it would be funny, and also because it's fascinating how information goes viral -- particularly in the murky wor ... More >>

Dolphins Paying Cristiano Ronaldo to Appear in Stadium Renovation Ads

Cristiano Ronaldo is one of the biggest soccer stars in the world, so we doubt he has informed opinions on local tax and political issues in Miami-Dade. That's not going to stop him from appearing all over your TV screen for the next few weeks trying to get you to support the Miami Dolphins quest to ... More >>

Five Players the Dolphins Should Take in Tonight's NFL Draft (and How They'll Screw It Up)

With the NFL's annual tradition of wealthy, white-haired men selecting young, able-bodied (mostly) black men to perform physical endeavors for comparatively negligible pay aimed at aggrandizing the wealthy men's financial station, we're taking a look at who the Dolphins SHOULD pick -- and how they'l ... More >>

The New Miami Dolphins Jerseys Have Leaked

The new Miami Dolphins uniforms weren't supposed to be unveiled until Thursday, but it looks like they've hit the web a little earlier than scheduled. The only part of the new unis we'd seen till now had been a bit of white face mask.

Bruno Barreiro, Who Took Thouands From Stephen Ross, Removes Super Bowl L Clause From Sun Life Bill

For weeks, the Miami Dolphins have been promising that the team won't move forward with the $390 million renovation of Sun Life Stadium if the NFL doesn't award the city a Super Bowl in 2015 or 2016. Well, the Dolphins caught a break.A couple of hours ago, during deliberations by the Miami-Dade Coun ... More >>

Miami Dolphins and County Agree To "Framework" On Sun Life Deal

Miami voters are one step closer this morning to getting the chance to weigh in on whether their tax dollars should go toward another big-ticket stadium project. Miami-Dade Mayor Carlos Giminez announced that the city and the Miami Dolphins have agreed on a basic "framework" for a deal that would us ... More >>

Twitter Thinks New Dolphins Logo Likes To Have Sex With Logos of the Same Gender

Though it's been the worst kept secret in sports for a few weeks now, the Miami Dolphins officially unveiled their new logo today. The public intellectual trust that makes up Twitter users have basically fallen into two camps: that it looks like a sign for an aquarium or, oddly, that it appears to e ... More >>

Eight People Whose Miami Dolphins Tattoos Are Now Outdated

You love your team so much that you get its logo permanently tattooed on your skin. Then the team does the unthinkable: changes that logo. Sure, that automatically establishes you as an old-school fan of sorts, but it's gotta suck when you have something inked on your body that the team abandoned.Me ... More >>

The First 48 Keeps Miami's Inner City Neighborhoods in the Dumps

Uncle Luke, the man whose booty-shaking madness made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech, gets as nasty as he wants to be for Miami New Times. This week, Luke goes after one of the most watched shows on cable television.I've never been a big fan of the First 48, the reality-TV show that ... More >>

Miami Dolphins Would Allow County to Back Out of Stadium Deal If They're Not Awarded a Super Bowl

The Miami Dolphins are so confident the NFL is going to hand them a Super Bowl in May they've announced today that they'd let the county back out of any stadium renovation deal if Miami isn't picked as a host.

Five Free Agents the Miami Dolphins Must Try to Sign

The NFL's free-agency period begins this Tuesday, March 12, and your Miami Dolphins -- with about $36 million in cap space -- are poised for one of the biggest offseasons in franchise history. Naturally, there's a good chance they'll fuck it up, but here are the five free agents the Dolphins should ... More >>

Artopia 2013: How to Party With Palo!, Roofless Records, and Miss Elaine Lancaster

Come for the pretentious, arty stuff. Stay for the booze, Afro-Cuban funk, experimental freakouts, sports jams, drag queens, break dancing, and, uh, more booze. Once a year, New Times throws a big, ostensibly highbrow bash called Artopia. And officially, it's "an eclectic touch of art, culture, fa ... More >>

Reggie Bush Just "Confused" as He's Desperately Waiting for the Dolphins to Call

Listen Reggie Bush, it's not you. It's the Miami Dolphins. To put things in seasonal perspective: you're basically like someone whose gone a few good dates with someone, and right now you're waiting for the other person to call and make those big time plans for Valentine's Day. The Dolphins are ... More >>

Dolphins Stadium Upgrade Bill Passes First State Senate Committee Unanimously

The Miami Dolphins won their first legislative battle in a war to secure taxpayer money to cover half of the planned $400 million upgrades to Sun Life Stadium this morning as the bill passed its first Senate committee unanimously. 

The Miami Fan Hater's Guide to the Super Bowl

The Super Bowl is here again and - will you look at that - the Dolphins weren't even close to it again! This is the 29th year in a row since the Dolphins were in the championship round and here we are: Watching two teams better than our own team that is endlessly run by people too incompetent to be ... More >>

Sun Life Stadium Upgrade: Miami-Dade Taxpayers Should Fund It

The Dolphins Are The Second Most Successful Drafters of the Past Five Years, According to One Analysis Anyway

Stop bitching about the Dolphins drafting tactics, because according to one analysis, the team has been the second most successfully in the NFL over the past five years. Of course, looking at the Dolphins overall success over the past five years makes you wonder exactly how accurate the analysis is.

The Miami Dolphins Deserve Our Help

Uncle Luke, the man whose booty-shaking madness made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech, gets as nasty as he wants to be for Miami New Times. This week, Luke comes to the defense of the Miami Dolphins.I'm with Miami Dolphins owner Stephen Ross on this one. The county and state should gi ... More >>

Dolphins Owner Stephen Ross Lies About Stadium Upgrades

Miami Dolphins Stadium Renovation: A Political Insider's Guide

Give Stephen Ross props. He stepped up to Norman Braman one billionaire to another and slapped him across the face with a clean white glove. With a full page ad undermining Braman's credibility in Tuesday's edition of the Miami Herald, Ross let Braman know he's got the cash to parry any attacks the ... More >>

Miami-Dade Commission Gives Support to Dolphins' Stadium Upgrade Proposal in Non-Binding Vote

The Miami-Dade County Commission has now officially put its stamp of approval on the Miami Dolphin's plan to seek tax money to provide upgrades to the aging Sun Life Stadium. Only four of the thirteen commissioners voted against the measure.

Stephen Ross' Four Biggest Lies About Sun Life Stadium Renovations

On Monday, Miami Dolphins owner Stephen Ross shucked his $400 million plan to renovate Sun Life Stadium, the venue the city's NFL franchise has called home for the past 26 years. During a press conference showing off a bunch of nice rendering of how the stadium will look with 3,600 new seats closer ... More >>

Herald Unveils Most Boring Sun Life Stadium Headline Ever

If you were one of the dwindling number of people who still wake up to the physical edition of The Miami Herald you were greeted by news you've likely known about for roughly 24 hours now: the Miami Dolphins are asking for tax money to pay for a $400 million upgrade to Sun Life Stadium.So did the He ... More >>

Here Are Renderings of a Renovated Sun Life Stadium; Team Clarifies They Aren't Threatening to Move

This morning came news that the Miami Dolphins were ready to finally officially ask for cool $400 million to renovate the aging Sun Life Stadium. During the official press conference the team unveiled photos of what the face lift would actually look like.Team owner Stephen Ross also made what some t ... More >>

Cam Cameron May Replace Tony Sparano as Jets' OC, Because The Jets Have a Sick Dolphins Obsession Apparently

Much like Finkle and Einhorn, it seems like the Dolphins are the Jets. The Jets are the Dolphins. Seriously, for two sworn enemies, the teams have an odd habit of hiring the other's left overs.Now that former Dolphins head coach Tony Sparano was fired after only a year in to his follow-up job at the ... More >>

Miami Dolphins 2012 Season Recap: The Highs, the Lows, the Ireland

Now that we're firmly entrenched in another playoff season without the Miami Dolphins and the pain of Stephen Ross's absurd season-ending press conference on Monday has faded, it's the perfect time for a cold, hard, slightly inebriated look back at the 2012 season.Ultimately, it was yet another disa ... More >>

Nick Saban Says Coaching The Dolphins Was Hard Because All Those NFL Rules Are Just Too Fair

Nick Saban won his third BCS championship with Alabama in four years last night by steamrolling through Notre Dame is a mind numbingly boring game, but, because the game was held in Miami, the local press corp gon the chance to grill him once again on his controversial stint as the Dolphins head coa ... More >>

The Real Reason Nick Saban Took That Dolphins Job? Huizenga Gave His Wife a Big Check

The reason your hairs are standing up on your neck? Former Dolphins coach Nick Saban is back in town. He returns tonight to the same stadium where he coached the Miami Dolphins through two unremarkable season to coach Alabama, the team he left for, in the BCS championship. It wasn't quite a LeB ... More >>

Miami's 2013 Resolutions: Jeffrey Loria Needs to Shut Up, Jeff Ireland Needs to Man Up

Rick Ross, John McAfee, and Jeffrey Loria in 2013

What Will Become Of John McAfee, Marco Rubio and Jeffrey Loria?

Uncle Luke, the man whose booty shaking madness made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech gets as nasty as he wants to be for Miami New Times. This week, Luke makes his predictions for the new year. What will happen in 2013 to capture people's attention? Who will do something to make us s ... More >>

New Year Resolutions For Miami's Best and Brightest

The world didn't end after all on December 21, so now we all gotta make amends for our bad behavior in 2012. Our New Year's resolutions last year all failed, of course, whether it was taking abuelita to church every Sunday or deleting our Facebook accounts because Mark Zuckerberg is a privacy-pirati ... More >>

Dolphins Shut Out By Patriots 28-0, Go 7-9 Again

Sunday's action featured the incredible story of an extraordinary athlete's return from a horrific injury to come back against all odds, put his team on his back and lead that now playoff-bound team to victory just as the hero himself nearly broke one of the most coveted records in NFL lore. That wa ... More >>

Dolphins Fans Disappointed With Season, Satisfied With Prime Seating Package

The Miami Dolphins ended another disappointing season Sunday, once again missing the playoffs.Rookie quarterback Ryan Tannehill did his best in his first season, though nothing near fellow playoff-bound rookies Washington's Robert Griffin III, Indianapolis' Andrew Luck and Seattle's Russell Wilson. ... More >>

Mayan Calendar Predictions vs. Miami Reality

Miami's Very Own Christmas Carol... Including Snow You Can Snort

Merry Christmas (Eve) Miami. By now, you are probably sick of crappy carols that bear no resemblance to your lush tropical life. Gold rings make sense. But colly birds? Not so much. And what the f*ck is this es-no that is supposed to be falling everywhere? The only powder we are familiar with is the ... More >>

Dolphins Rout Bills 24-10, Are Knocked Out of the Playoffs Anyway

The Miami Dolphins trounced the Bills yesterday behind a 3 TD day from Reggie "LaMontelle Pussyhammer" Bush, a balls-up performance from Reshad Jones and an efficient day from Ryan Tannehill that saw the rookie join the 3,000-yard club for the season. However, a few hours later the Fins found out th ... More >>

Miami Dolphins Five Keys to Victory Versus Buffalo

Last week, the Dolphins managed to put their season on life support with a strong performance against a terrible Jags team. With a 6-8 record, the Dolphins have a roughly .0000000000081% chance of getting into the playoffs if certain scenarios play out. JOY!

Beating on the Bills

The Miami Dolphins Have a 0.6% Chance of Making the Playoffs: Here's How

Here's the good news: the Miami Dolphins are not yet mathematically eliminated from playoff contention. Here's the bad news: according to Sports Club Stats they have about a 0.6 percent chance of actually getting to the playoffs. In fact, of all teams that are still left in playoff contention, the F ... More >>

Dolphins Throttle Jaguars 24-3 As Tannehill, Bush Thrive

Oh hooray! The Dolphins beat a pathetic two-win team to prolong our chances for an evenly average season. Fantastic. Ryan Tannehill played flawlessly, Reggie Bush threw down his anaconda sexual organ and the Dolphins trampled a pathetic Jaguars team 24-3. Woooooooooooo!

Miami Dolphins Five Keys To Victory Versus Jaguars

Ah, the Battle for Florida.Former Dolphin Chad 'The Robot' Henne vs. Ryan 'Tanny Boyeee' Tannehill! Revenge for 62-7! Vindication for the loud, smelly fart that 2012 has proven to be! A chance to avoid a fourth losing season in five years! Tough-nosed, physical ... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Miami Dolphins Steal High School All-Star Game From Local Good Guy

Bragging Rights

Why Are The Miami Dolphins Ripping Off High School All-Star Game Pioneer Wesley Frater?

Uncle Luke, the man whose booty-shaking madness made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech, gets as nasty as he wants to be for Miami New Times. This week, Luke gives the Dolphins a lesson in youth football.As the 2012 football season winds to a close, with Miami-Dade and Broward again sho ... More >>

Dolphins Fall to Niners 27-13

The Miami Dolphins have shown a knack all season for hanging with good teams only to vomit into their own pants when the game is on the line. It happened last week against the Patriots and it happened again yesterday against the 49ers as the Dolphins lost 27-13, despite being a field goal away from ... More >>

Miami Dolphins Five Keys To Victory Versus 49ers

So it comes to this: your Miami Dolphins take that loooong west coast flight to face the 8-3 San Francisco 49ers. A few weeks ago this looked like a great matchup: a rising Dolphins team with playoff hopes facing the one-time object of our affection, Jim Harbaugh, and the team he turned us down for. ... More >>

Miami Dolphins Five Keys To Victory Versus Patriots

Let's not kid ourselves.There's a very good chance Tom Brady and Co. are going to come in to Sun Life on Sunday and absolutely destroy the living crap out of our football team. However, the one thing we have going for us is that (hopefully) no one on our team will ever look like as much of a dork as ... More >>