Mario Chalmers

  • News

    June 26, 2014
  • Blogs

    June 23, 2014

    Sorry, Miami, That Story About Roman Ruins Discovered Downtown Is a Lie

    The story flooded Facebook feeds all over South Florida last week. Topped with a photo of a construction site filled with tall, dusty pillars, it boasted of a remarkable discovery: ancient Roman ruins discovered right in downtown Miami. "This find will change everything we know about modern history ... More >>

  • Blogs

    June 16, 2014

    Birdman Is Leaving: Where Each Heat Player's Future Stands Right Now

    And so it begins. Chris "Birdman" Andersen won't exercise his player's option next season and will enter free agency instead. That's according to a Yahoo! Sports story anyway. Granted, win or lose, some roster changes were to be expected, but after last night's humiliation, the future of the Heat ... More >>

  • Blogs

    June 12, 2014

    Lil Wayne, Miami Heat Hater, Even Admits: They're Going to Three-Peat

    Is Weezy squashing his beef with the Miami Heat? Last year, the Young Money maniac declared war on King James and crew during an NBA All-Star Game weekend concert. "Fuck LeBron! Fuck She-Wade! Fuck Chris Bosh! Fuck all them niggaas, man. And, and, and," Wayne cackled. "I fucked Chris Bosh wife!" ... More >>

  • Blogs

    April 29, 2014

    LeBron, Wade and Heat Respond To Donald Sterling's Lifetime Ban

    After audio leaked of LA Clippers owners Donald Sterling's racist exchange with his mistress, LeBron James responded by saying there's no place for him the NBA. Today, NBA commissioner Adam Silver essentially agreed. He announced that Sterling has been banned indefinitely from the NBA, and pending o ... More >>

  • Blogs

    January 7, 2014

    Heat Finally Unveils "Nickname Jersey" Monikers

    Sure, it's a blatant merchandising grab, but we've been pretty excited about the idea of Miami Heat players wearing special-edition nickname jerseys. We've already received news that Ray Allen would wear "J. Shuttlesworth" and that LeBron would sport "King James," but today the team unveiled the ful ... More >>

  • Blogs

    January 6, 2014

    Heat-Toronto: A Dunk Like No Other (Video)

    While you were watching the NFL playoffs all weekend, the Miami Heat players were busy getting the taste of that Warriors ass-kicking out of their mouths by gargling with the Orlando Magic and Toronto Raptors on back-to-back nights. Following a 110-94 win in Orlando Saturday night, the Heat held o ... More >>

  • Blogs

    December 10, 2013

    Heat Blow Early Lead, Lose To Pacers 90-84

    The Indiana Pacers have had this one circled on their calendars for sometime now. They made no secret December 10th, 2013 would be a day of reckoning, a day where they would inflict revenge upon the Miami Heat's entire house for all the heart breaking defeats they have handed the "Golden Swag Nation ... More >>

  • Blogs

    November 20, 2013

    Heat Beat Hawks 104-88: "Where LeBron Eyebrows At?"

    Back in action Tuesday night, the Heat took on the Atlanta Hawks, a rebuilt team, and by rebuilt, I mean I just watched them play for 48 minutes and I'm still not entirely sure who plays for them. Oh, and the Heat won 104-88, minus a resting Dwyane Wade. After a scoreless first quarter, LeBron f ... More >>

  • Blogs

    November 6, 2013

    LeBron Scores Season High 35, Heat Beat Raptors 104-95

    Minus new Papa Chris Bosh, the Miami Heat beat the Toronto Raptors 104-95 in Toronto Wednesday night. LeBron James led the Heat with a season high 35 points, eight rebounds, and eight assists, while Dwyane Wade looked the best he has all season, notching 20 points, six rebounds, and five assists in ... More >>

  • Blogs

    June 17, 2013

    Heat Pushed To the Brink of Elimination After 114-104 Game Five Loss To the Spurs

    Olympus is now one game away from falling. The Miami Heat stuck to the script and followed their Game Four win with a loss, dropping Game Five to the Spurs 114-104. We had a game mid-way through the third quarter, then San Antonio candy crushed the Miami Heat's entire life with an epic 19-1 run that ... More >>

  • Blogs

    June 13, 2013

    Heat Ate Meatloaf Before Game 2 Win, Chef Michael Jacobs Says

    As the official "food-service provider" for the Miami Heat, chef Michael Jacobs is an integral part of the team because, as everyone knows, what an athlete eats before a game is as important as training. After all, there'll be a big difference in performance if you stuff a player with double bean go ... More >>

  • Blogs

    June 12, 2013

    San Antonio Hits NBA Finals Record 16 Threes, Punishes Miami 113-77

    The good news is the Miami Heat took advantage of a little known NBA rule that states you can only lose once a night. The bad news is we have to play with footballs the rest of the series because the San Antonio Spurs shoved all the basketballs up the Miami Heat's collective asses in Game Three. Beh ... More >>

  • News

    June 6, 2013
  • Blogs

    June 3, 2013

    Mario Chalmers' Dad Stole Information To Poach Clients, Miami Sports Agent Claims

    Miami Heat point guard Mario Chalmers is known for his steals. Thanks to quick hands and crafty defense, he was near the top of the league with 118 on the court this year. Chalmers' dad, meanwhile, excelled at a very different kind of theft, at least according to a local sports agent. David Sugarman ... More >>

  • Blogs

    April 3, 2013

    Melo Drops 50 as Knicks Beat Depleted Heat 102-90

    Heat fans tuning in for a possible Eastern Conference Finals preview Tuesday night were instead treated to another helping of the Miami Heat "B-Team" with an extra-large side of Carmelo Anthony ass. Anthony sizzled all night long, finishing with a career-high-tying 50 points as the New York Knicks p ... More >>

  • Blogs

    March 19, 2013

    Heat Beats Boston in 105-103 Thriller to Stretch Win Streak to 23

    With the game tied at 103 and less than 20 seconds left, the basketball found itself exactly where Miami Heat fans would prefer it never leave: LeBron James's hands. Game. Blouses. It's a Miami Heat World right now, ladies and gentlemen, and we are just living in it.James rattled in a jumper with 10 ... More >>

  • Blogs

    December 13, 2012

    Shoddy Defense, Turnovers Lead Warriors to 97-95 Victory Over Heat

    Most Heat fans probably went in to last night's game thinking we'd make a delicious ass souffle out of the Golden State Warriors but instead the Heat faced a young, feisty, and just very, very good Warriors team looking to go 5-0 on their road trip. OH, HOW THE TABLES WERE TURNED!

  • Blogs

    September 27, 2012

    ESPN: Miami Heat Have Both NBA's Best and Worst Player

    I guess it's only fair that since the Miami Heat have the undisputed best basketball player in the world that they should also have the worst player in the entire league.To no one's surprise, ESPN's experts today put LeBron James atop their #NBARank listicle, which is kind of hilarious because ... More >>

  • News

    June 28, 2012
  • Blogs

    June 26, 2012

    Jeffrey Loria and Stephen Ross Can Learn a Lot From Micky Arison

    Uncle Luke, the man whose booty-shaking madness made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech, gets as nasty as he wants to be for Miami New Times. This week, Luke says the Heat is the number one franchise in Miami.Jeffrey Loria and Stephen Ross need to set up a powwow with Micky Arison and P ... More >>

  • Blogs

    June 20, 2012

    Miami Heat Take Game 4, Are One Win Away From Title

    Your Miami Heat overcame a 17-point deficit, a 43-point game from Russell Westbrook, a relentless Oklahoma City Thunder attack, and LeBron James losing a leg in the fourth quarter to pull off the 104-98 Game 4 win, and are now just one more victory away from being crowned NBA Finals champions.SOMEBO ... More >>

  • Blogs

    June 10, 2012

    Heat Are Eastern Conference Champions, Will Face Oklahoma City in NBA Finals

    After blowing up the Boston Celtics Big Three Era (for the second straight season) in last night's 101-88 Game 7 triumph, the Miami Heat are headed to their second-straight NBA Finals. The Big Three known as LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, and Chris Bosh scored Miami's final 31 points, including all ... More >>

  • Blogs

    May 25, 2012

    Dwyane Wade Scores 41 as Heat Advance to Eastern Conference Finals

    Remember when Dwyane Wade crapped the bed last week and we all wrote him off, like a bunch of assholes? Pffft.Wade dropped 41 points in Miami's 105-93 beatdown of the Indiana Pacers. MV3 scored 20 of his 41 in the second quarter, going 8-for-11 from the floor, and leading the Heat past what had bec ... More >>

  • Blogs

    May 21, 2012

    LeBron Makes History and D-Wade Bounces Back as the Heat Tie Series 2-2

    What's better than having one face-cleaving rim wrecking badass mother cow on your basketball team? TWO face-cleaving rim wrecking badass mother cows.In front of a capacity crowd of Indiana fans waving a golden shower of yellow towels, and a Pacers team that had gotten a little too cocky for its own ... More >>

  • Blogs

    April 13, 2012

    Heat Get Nothing From Bench, Lose to Bulls in OT

    Holy shit bananas, that was rough.The Miami Heat dropped a gut-wrenching loss to the Chicago Bulls 96-86 in overtime last night.And while the game is meaningless in terms of overall playoff importance, it still feels like Heat fans got their collective cocks slammed in a Metrobus door. WILL SOMEONE ... More >>

  • Blogs

    February 24, 2012

    Heat Beat Knicks and Jeremy Lin, Render Linsanity Utterly Linpotent

    ​For the past month or so, we've all had Jeremy Lin spewed on our faces, whether we wanted it or not. Turn on your TV: LIN! Tune into your favorite radio station: LIN! Log on to twitter: LIN! The Republican debates: LIN! Jump in the shower: LIN! Your morning cereal toy prize: LIN!And then Lin and ... More >>

  • Blogs

    February 22, 2012

    Heat Avoid Trap-Game by Beating the Kings, LeBron Does A Silly Dance

    The Miami Heat just won their seventh-straight game. Dwyane Wade has been a one-man wrecking ball during that time.And last night, in the Heat's 120-108 victory over the visiting Sacramento Kings, D-Wade brought his game to new ball-mashing mayhem heights, scoring 30 points on 11-of-16 shooting, get ... More >>

  • Blogs

    February 9, 2012

    Heat Lose to Magic in a Barrage of Threes

    ​Opponents have been raining three pointers down on the Miami Heat all season long, and last night the Orlando Magic decided that was a good idea too, and hit 4,000 17 three pointers, taking the 102-89 win over Miami.Dwight Howard, who has apparently checked out and doesn't give a shit about baske ... More >>

  • Blogs

    September 27, 2011

    Wade, James and Bosh to Host Charity All-Star Game at FIU

    Dwyane Wade, LeBron James and Chris Bosh haven't played together since the last game of the NBA Finals, and with the lockout in full effect we weren't sure when it would happen again. That's about to change. The trio is expected to announce plan for a charity All-Star game at FIU on Octobe ... More >>

  • Blogs

    June 13, 2011

    The Murderous Miami Heat Drinking Game

    ​Note: This log, apparently describing an NBA Finals-themed drinking game played by a group of Miami Heat fans, was discovered late Sunday night. The fate of the heartbroken revelers is not known.FIRST QUARTER12:00 -- All right, time for tip-off! Super excited to have all this booze. Keeping ... More >>

  • Blogs

    June 13, 2011

    Miami Heat vs. Dallas Mavericks NBA Finals Game 6: Kaput

    ​After winning Game six 105-95, the Dallas Mavericks are NBA champions. Meanwhile, the Miami Heat are left with a shitload of questions, LeBron James will continue to be haunted by his Finals failure, and Heat fans everywhere are walking around feeling like their favorite uncle just placed his wie ... More >>

  • Blogs

    June 1, 2011

    Dallas Mavericks vs. Miami Heat Game 1: Winning Time

    ​If you're a fan of low scoring games, low-percentage shooting and sleep depravity, then Game 1 of the NBA Finals was the game for you!LeBron James scored 24 while Dwyane Wade added 22 and Chris Bosh went for 19 as the Miami Heat took down the Dallas Mavericks 92-84 to take the first game of the b ... More >>

  • Blogs

    May 24, 2011

    Heat-Bulls Game 4/Election-Results Live Blog-a-palooza

    ​Big night in Miami tonight. On one side, the Miami Heat hosting the Chicago Bulls in Game 4 of the Eastern Conference Finals. On the other, the Miami-Dade elections. What's a good Miamian to do? Watch the game? Check on the election results?Well, don't fret, good citizen. Just stay with us t ... More >>

  • Blogs

    May 8, 2011

    Heat Playoffs: Celtics Strike Back

    The Douche Strikes Back!​After roughly 5,836 days in between games, the Miami Heat finally resumed their Eastern Conference semi-final series against the Celtics in Boston. The end result wasn't as awesome as Games 1 and 2, in that the Heat got creamed pretty badly.But the good news is Erik Spoels ... More >>

  • Blogs

    March 7, 2011

    Miami Heat Have Yet Another Late-Game Meltdown, Get Swept By Bulls

    ​The Miami Heat had yet another late-game collapse, losing yet another game at the buzzer and going down to yet another playoff-caliber team when they lost 87-86 to the Chicago Bulls yesterday. And while the Heat are now 0-6 against the Celtics and Bulls, and 1-9 against the NBA's top five teams, ... More >>

  • Blogs

    February 25, 2011

    Chris Bosh Goes 1-for-18 as Heat fall to Derrick Rose and the Bulls

    ​Chris Bosh and the Miami Heat's bench decided to turn in the absolute worst performance ever in the history of everything in a game that will undoubtedly have playoff seeding implications down the stretch.The Heat held a 9-point lead at the half against the Chicago Bulls last night, only to see i ... More >>

  • Blogs

    February 13, 2011

    Despite Late-Game Rally, Heat Lose to Boston for Third-Straight Time

    ​The Miami Heat entered today's game against the Boston Celtics with a chance to take sole possession of first place in the East. They also entered the game riding a pretty nifty eight game-winning streak. But those things quickly turned to the proverbial mound of cat turd as the C's held off ... More >>

  • Blogs

    January 24, 2011

    Ricky Rubio Wants to Play for the Heat, Maybe

    ​Known for his creative Pistol Pete Maravich playing style, shaggy haired Spanish phenom Ricky Rubio was the youngest player to play for the Spanish ACB League when he debuted at the age of 14. Then in June of 2009, when Rubio was 19, he declared himself eligible for the NBA Draft where the Minne ... More >>

  • Blogs

    January 22, 2011

    Sans Wade or Bosh, LeBron James and Mike Miller Lead Heat, Snap Losing Streak

    ​Dwayne Wade was forced to sit out thanks to a migraine, while Chris Bosh sat out his second-straight game with a bum left ankle. And so LeBron James was left to the mercy of having to rely on Mario Chalmers and Carlos Arroyo for support if the Miami Heat was going to snap their longest losing str ... More >>

  • Blogs

    October 26, 2010

    Live Blog: Heat vs. Celtics

    ​Have no one to watch tonight's Heat-Celtics NBA season debut with? You do have someone to watch it with but they don't provide the same award-winning rapier wit-like banter you find here on your friendly neighborhood Miami New Times blog?Well have no fear! Because the Riptide 2.0 Heat vs. Celtics ... More >>

  • Blogs

    April 22, 2010

    Drink Up Tonight's Heat Game 3 with T.O. Michael Beasley and Lawrence Taylor

    Photo: Marc Serota​NFL greats Terrell Owens, Lawrence Taylor, Channing Crowder, Ray Buchanan and Matthew Hatchette will show up on a commercial for Title Sports Drink during tonight's game three of the Miami Heat playoff game -- and on the draft shows starting today on  ESPN and the NF ... More >>

  • Blogs

    April 21, 2010

    Game Two of the NBA Playoffs: Miami Heat vs. Boston Celtics: Epic Fail

    ​In a game that could only described as "refried ass, " the Miami Heat were walloped by the Boston Celtics 106-77 in last night's game two of the first round NBA Playoffs. The Heat managed to keep things close in the first quarter, rebounding after a slow start and even managing to take the lead f ... More >>

  • Blogs

    March 19, 2010

    Miami Heat vs. Orlando Magic: Ten Points

    ​Last night, the Miami Heat lost 108-102 to the Orlando Magic in overtime, inspiring the following ten observations about the state of our b-ball team.1. Outside of Michael Beasley (on the nights Erik Spoelstra actually lets the kid play), Dwyane Wade is all alone.2. The Magic out-rebounded Miami ... More >>

  • Blogs

    February 18, 2010

    No Boozer or Big Trade for Miami; Wade's OK, But Will He Stay?

    It was already clear that we wouldn't be getting Amar'e, but last minute rumors that The Heat might be landing Carlos Boozer from the Utah Jazz appeared to be unfounded."That was like, huh, what?'' Jazz general manager Kevin O'Connor said this afternoon, according to the Deseret News.So that means n ... More >>

  • Calendar

    February 18, 2010
  • Calendar

    January 21, 2010
  • Blogs

    November 3, 2009

    Alan Ogg Dead: His Gumby-esque Physique Ruled the Miami Arena

    ​Before Dwyane Wade, the O'Neal twins, Mario Chalmers, and Eric Spoiled Boy, a seven-foot two-inch giant ruled the Miami Arena. Alan Ogg drew calls of "Ogggggggggggg," and the fans loved him. Now he's dead at age 42. An infection somehow reached his enlarged heart. In 1991, then staff writer and n ... More >>

  • Calendar

    October 22, 2009
  • Blogs

    September 15, 2008

    The Heat Is On (For Another Rocky Season?)

    Miami sports fans can be forgiven if they've already pulled out the brown paper bags, covered their heads and collapsed trembling into the fetal position for the rest of the month. The Marlins tanked in August. The Canes rolled over and died in Gainesville. And the Dolphins? May the good lord have ... More >>

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