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Blogs
May 25, 2012
Dwyane Wade Scores 41 as Heat Advance to Eastern Conference Finals
Remember when Dwyane Wade crapped the bed last week and we all wrote him off, like a bunch of assholes? Pffft.Wade dropped 41 points in Miami's 105-93 beatdown of the Indiana Pacers. MV3 scored 20 of his 41 in the second quarter, going 8-for-11 from the floor, and leading the Heat past what had bec ... More >>
Blogs
May 21, 2012
LeBron Makes History and D-Wade Bounces Back as the Heat Tie Series 2-2
What's better than having one face-cleaving rim wrecking badass mother cow on your basketball team? TWO face-cleaving rim wrecking badass mother cows.In front of a capacity crowd of Indiana fans waving a golden shower of yellow towels, and a Pacers team that had gotten a little too cocky for its own ... More >>
Blogs
May 18, 2012
Dwyane Wade Implodes as Heat Fall Into 2-1 Hole Against the Pacers
Up until last night, the story of this Eastern Conference semi-final was Chris Bosh's abdominal strain and how much the Heat would miss him. But after last night's 94-75 blowout loss to the Pacers, the story is now how Dwyane Wade magically transformed into an amorphous blob of basketball shittiness ... More >>
Blogs
April 13, 2012
Heat Get Nothing From Bench, Lose to Bulls in OT
Holy shit bananas, that was rough.The Miami Heat dropped a gut-wrenching loss to the Chicago Bulls 96-86 in overtime last night.And while the game is meaningless in terms of overall playoff importance, it still feels like Heat fans got their collective cocks slammed in a Metrobus door. WILL SOMEONE ... More >>
Calendar
April 5, 2012
Can We Start the Playoffs Already?
Holy shit bananas, that was rough.The Miami Heat dropped a gut-wrenching loss to the Chicago Bulls 96-86 in overtime last night.And while the game is meaningless in terms of overall playoff importance, it still feels like Heat fans got their collective cocks slammed in a Metrobus door. WILL SOMEONE ... More >>
Blogs
April 4, 2012
Heat Clinch Playoff Berth With 16th Consecutive Home Win
Weirdly enough, the Miami Heat only play like a bag of shit on the road, because they remain as dominant as ever at home. LeBron James dropped a season-high 41 points -- 15 in the fourth quarter -- as the Heat took down the Philadelphia 76ers 99-93 last night, winning their 16th straight home g ... More >>
Blogs
April 2, 2012
Heat Turns In Worst Offensive Performance of Year, Loses to Celtics
The Miami Heat has been unstoppable at home since the All-Star break. On the road, however, the team has been a big, heaping pile of ass. And that was certainly the case yesterday during their 91-72 gag reflex of a loss to the Boston Celtics.Rajon Rondo recorded a triple-double against Miami's de ... More >>
Blogs
February 24, 2012
Heat Beat Knicks and Jeremy Lin, Render Linsanity Utterly Linpotent
For the past month or so, we've all had Jeremy Lin spewed on our faces, whether we wanted it or not. Turn on your TV: LIN! Tune into your favorite radio station: LIN! Log on to twitter: LIN! The Republican debates: LIN! Jump in the shower: LIN! Your morning cereal toy prize: LIN!And then Lin and ... More >>
Blogs
February 22, 2012
Heat Avoid Trap-Game by Beating the Kings, LeBron Does A Silly Dance
The Miami Heat just won their seventh-straight game. Dwyane Wade has been a one-man wrecking ball during that time.And last night, in the Heat's 120-108 victory over the visiting Sacramento Kings, D-Wade brought his game to new ball-mashing mayhem heights, scoring 30 points on 11-of-16 shooting, get ... More >>
Blogs
February 9, 2012
Heat Lose to Magic in a Barrage of Threes
Opponents have been raining three pointers down on the Miami Heat all season long, and last night the Orlando Magic decided that was a good idea too, and hit 4,000 17 three pointers, taking the 102-89 win over Miami.Dwight Howard, who has apparently checked out and doesn't give a shit about baske ... More >>
Blogs
January 11, 2012
Heat Blow 17-Point Lead, Lose to Warriors, Let's Everybody Overreact!
While you were sleeping last night, the Miami Heat offense also fell asleep in the fourth quarter of their 111-106 overtime loss to the Golden State Warriors.It was a game of turnovers, sloppy play, Mario Chalmers dribbling basketballs off his foot, Udonis Haslem missing dunks, LeBron James ... More >>
Blogs
January 6, 2012
The Best Revenge is Revenge: Heat Take Down Hawks in 3OT Without James or Wade
Dwyane Wade, out with a sore left foot. LeBron James, out with a sprained left ankle. The Miami Heat, having to go into Atlanta undermanned, against a Hawks team that had just beaten them at home with James and Wade.Problem? Shit and no.Enter Chris Bosh. Bosh proceeded to trample any hopes Atlant ... More >>
Blogs
December 9, 2011
James Jones and Mario Chalmers Will Return to the Heat (at a Discount)
Today is finally the beginning of the NBA's free-agency period, and with the Heat's first game a little more than two weeks away, the team will have to work fast and furious to nail the roster down. We've already gotten news that Shane Battier and Eddy Curry will be new guys on the block, bu ... More >>
Blogs
September 27, 2011
Wade, James and Bosh to Host Charity All-Star Game at FIU
Dwyane Wade, LeBron James and Chris Bosh haven't played together since the last game of the NBA Finals, and with the lockout in full effect we weren't sure when it would happen again. That's about to change. The trio is expected to announce plan for a charity All-Star game at FIU on Octobe ... More >>
Blogs
June 13, 2011
The Murderous Miami Heat Drinking Game
Note: This log, apparently describing an NBA Finals-themed drinking game played by a group of Miami Heat fans, was discovered late Sunday night. The fate of the heartbroken revelers is not known.FIRST QUARTER12:00 -- All right, time for tip-off! Super excited to have all this booze. Keeping ... More >>
Blogs
June 10, 2011
Miami Heat vs. Dallas Mavericks NBA Finals Game 5: On The Brink
After the giant mound of ostrich shit that was LeBron James' 8-point performance from Game 4, he called Game 5 the biggest of his career. The world then waited for LeBron to come out in Game 5 and serve the Mavericks a can filled with ass whoopin'. Instead, Heat fans got served a can filled with ... More >>
Blogs
June 1, 2011
Dallas Mavericks vs. Miami Heat Game 1: Winning Time
If you're a fan of low scoring games, low-percentage shooting and sleep depravity, then Game 1 of the NBA Finals was the game for you!LeBron James scored 24 while Dwyane Wade added 22 and Chris Bosh went for 19 as the Miami Heat took down the Dallas Mavericks 92-84 to take the first game of the b ... More >>
Blogs
May 24, 2011
Heat-Bulls Game 4/Election-Results Live Blog-a-palooza
Big night in Miami tonight. On one side, the Miami Heat hosting the Chicago Bulls in Game 4 of the Eastern Conference Finals. On the other, the Miami-Dade elections. What's a good Miamian to do? Watch the game? Check on the election results?Well, don't fret, good citizen. Just stay with us t ... More >>
Blogs
May 8, 2011
Heat Playoffs: Celtics Strike Back
The Douche Strikes Back!After roughly 5,836 days in between games, the Miami Heat finally resumed their Eastern Conference semi-final series against the Celtics in Boston. The end result wasn't as awesome as Games 1 and 2, in that the Heat got creamed pretty badly.But the good news is Erik Spoels ... More >>
Blogs
April 28, 2011
Heat Playoffs: Heat Close Out 76ers, On To Boston
Dwyane Wade scored 26, Chris Bosh added 22 and LeBron James finished two assists shy of a triple-double in last night's 97-91 win over the Philadelphia 76ers.But, more importantly, we finally have the answer to the who should have the ball in his hands with the game on the line at crunch time? qu ... More >>
Blogs
April 25, 2011
Heat Playoffs: Heat Fail to Sweep 76ers
The Miami Heat shot 39 percent from the floor, went 5-for-23 from the three-point line, got only 16 total points from their bench, zero points from their starting point guard, and 1 point from their starting center.But all everyone is going to remember from their 86-82 Game 4 loss to the Philadel ... More >>
Blogs
March 7, 2011
Miami Heat Have Yet Another Late-Game Meltdown, Get Swept By Bulls
The Miami Heat had yet another late-game collapse, losing yet another game at the buzzer and going down to yet another playoff-caliber team when they lost 87-86 to the Chicago Bulls yesterday. And while the Heat are now 0-6 against the Celtics and Bulls, and 1-9 against the NBA's top five teams, ... More >>
Blogs
March 1, 2011
Reports: Miami Heat to Sign Mike Bibby
Headband? Check! Not Mario Chalmers? Double check!According to several reports, the Miami Heat will sign former Kings, Hawks, and Wizards point guard Mike Bibby.The Heat had to waive a player today to make room on the roster for Bibby's services.But no worries, Heat fans. If you still pine for a ... More >>
Blogs
February 28, 2011
Heat Blow 15-Point Lead, Lose to the Knicks
The Miami Heat blew a 15-point lead and lost 91-86 to the New York Knicks last night, thus making local sports talk radio even douchier than normal for at least another week.The loss continues a troubling trend of not being able to beat playoff contending teams, or even win a big game in the clos ... More >>
Blogs
February 13, 2011
Despite Late-Game Rally, Heat Lose to Boston for Third-Straight Time
The Miami Heat entered today's game against the Boston Celtics with a chance to take sole possession of first place in the East. They also entered the game riding a pretty nifty eight game-winning streak. But those things quickly turned to the proverbial mound of cat turd as the C's held off ... More >>
Blogs
January 27, 2011
Cold Fourth Quarter Sinks Heat
Dwyane Wade's magic goggles seemed to run out of awesome juice in the fourth quarter of Thursday night's 93-88 loss to the New York Knicks.Because after Wade started the game hitting pretty much every shot he threw up (except his free throws... hit those goddamn free throws, D-Wade!!), he missed ... More >>
Blogs
January 24, 2011
Ricky Rubio Wants to Play for the Heat, Maybe
Known for his creative Pistol Pete Maravich playing style, shaggy haired Spanish phenom Ricky Rubio was the youngest player to play for the Spanish ACB League when he debuted at the age of 14. Then in June of 2009, when Rubio was 19, he declared himself eligible for the NBA Draft where the Minne ... More >>
Blogs
January 22, 2011
Sans Wade or Bosh, LeBron James and Mike Miller Lead Heat, Snap Losing Streak
Dwayne Wade was forced to sit out thanks to a migraine, while Chris Bosh sat out his second-straight game with a bum left ankle. And so LeBron James was left to the mercy of having to rely on Mario Chalmers and Carlos Arroyo for support if the Miami Heat was going to snap their longest losing str ... More >>
Blogs
January 15, 2011
Heat Fall Short Against Bulls, Lose Third Straight
LeBron James was forced to sit out his second-straight game with his karma-fucked ankle, forcing Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh to once again play with Mario Chalmers longer than they should be able to.Wade missed a three-point attempt as regulation expired, as the Heat fell to the Bulls 99-96, givin ... More >>
Blogs
January 14, 2011
LeBron-less Heat Trounced by Nuggets
The Miami Heat suited up against Denver last night without LeBron James and his karma-fucked ankle. This was also the last game before the Heat return to the east coast where when it's 7:30, it's not actually 10:30. Mix in a dash of Mario Chalmers bricks and a Mike Miller who suddenly treats the ... More >>
Blogs
October 26, 2010
Live Blog: Heat vs. Celtics
Have no one to watch tonight's Heat-Celtics NBA season debut with? You do have someone to watch it with but they don't provide the same award-winning rapier wit-like banter you find here on your friendly neighborhood Miami New Times blog?Well have no fear! Because the Riptide 2.0 Heat vs. Celtics ... More >>
Blogs
June 30, 2010
Chris Bosh Being Traded to Miami for Beasley, Chalmers, and Anthony?
Step 1 of the Miami Heat's master plan might be near completion if Miami Herald scribe/radio host Dan LeBatard's Twitter feed is to be believed. He reports that a mega sign-and-trade deal between the Toronto Raptors and Miami Heat is pretty much done in principle.The Heat would get Chris Bosh, on ... More >>
Blogs
April 21, 2010
Game Two of the NBA Playoffs: Miami Heat vs. Boston Celtics: Epic Fail
In a game that could only described as "refried ass, " the Miami Heat were walloped by the Boston Celtics 106-77 in last night's game two of the first round NBA Playoffs. The Heat managed to keep things close in the first quarter, rebounding after a slow start and even managing to take the lead f ... More >>
Blogs
March 19, 2010
Miami Heat vs. Orlando Magic: Ten Points
Last night, the Miami Heat lost 108-102 to the Orlando Magic in overtime, inspiring the following ten observations about the state of our b-ball team.1. Outside of Michael Beasley (on the nights Erik Spoelstra actually lets the kid play), Dwyane Wade is all alone.2. The Magic out-rebounded Miami ... More >>
Blogs
March 2, 2010
LeBron James Changes Jersey Number, Maybe, Because 23 is Retired in Miami?
Cleveland Cavaliers superstar LeBron James announced that he just sent in paperwork to have his uniform number changed from 23 to 6. The official word is that it's a tribute to Michael Jordan, though the number 23 figures quite prominently into the logo used for his Nike apparel. Why the sudd ... More >>
Blogs
February 18, 2010
No Boozer or Big Trade for Miami; Wade's OK, But Will He Stay?
It was already clear that we wouldn't be getting Amar'e, but last minute rumors that The Heat might be landing Carlos Boozer from the Utah Jazz appeared to be unfounded."That was like, huh, what?'' Jazz general manager Kevin O'Connor said this afternoon, according to the Deseret News.So that means n ... More >>
Calendar
February 18, 2010
From Riches to Rags
It was already clear that we wouldn't be getting Amar'e, but last minute rumors that The Heat might be landing Carlos Boozer from the Utah Jazz appeared to be unfounded."That was like, huh, what?'' Jazz general manager Kevin O'Connor said this afternoon, according to the Deseret News.So that means n ... More >>
Calendar
January 21, 2010
A Boy Named Lou
It was already clear that we wouldn't be getting Amar'e, but last minute rumors that The Heat might be landing Carlos Boozer from the Utah Jazz appeared to be unfounded."That was like, huh, what?'' Jazz general manager Kevin O'Connor said this afternoon, according to the Deseret News.So that means n ... More >>
Blogs
January 12, 2010
Miami Heat Bans Gambling on Team Flights
In the aftermath of Gilbert Arenas of the Washington Wizards unloading a handgun in the team's locker room over a gambling debt, the Miami Heat have become the second team in the NBA to officially ban card games and gambling on team flights.So now Heat players are left with lots of free time duri ... More >>
Calendar
December 3, 2009
The Heat Has Cooled
In the aftermath of Gilbert Arenas of the Washington Wizards unloading a handgun in the team's locker room over a gambling debt, the Miami Heat have become the second team in the NBA to officially ban card games and gambling on team flights.So now Heat players are left with lots of free time duri ... More >>
Blogs
November 3, 2009
Alan Ogg Dead: His Gumby-esque Physique Ruled the Miami Arena
Before Dwyane Wade, the O'Neal twins, Mario Chalmers, and Eric Spoiled Boy, a seven-foot two-inch giant ruled the Miami Arena. Alan Ogg drew calls of "Ogggggggggggg," and the fans loved him. Now he's dead at age 42. An infection somehow reached his enlarged heart. In 1991, then staff writer and n ... More >>
Calendar
October 29, 2009
Three-Feat
Before Dwyane Wade, the O'Neal twins, Mario Chalmers, and Eric Spoiled Boy, a seven-foot two-inch giant ruled the Miami Arena. Alan Ogg drew calls of "Ogggggggggggg," and the fans loved him. Now he's dead at age 42. An infection somehow reached his enlarged heart. In 1991, then staff writer and n ... More >>
Calendar
October 22, 2009
The Book of Isiah
Before Dwyane Wade, the O'Neal twins, Mario Chalmers, and Eric Spoiled Boy, a seven-foot two-inch giant ruled the Miami Arena. Alan Ogg drew calls of "Ogggggggggggg," and the fans loved him. Now he's dead at age 42. An infection somehow reached his enlarged heart. In 1991, then staff writer and n ... More >>
Calendar
October 8, 2009
It’s Fall, Time to Ball
Before Dwyane Wade, the O'Neal twins, Mario Chalmers, and Eric Spoiled Boy, a seven-foot two-inch giant ruled the Miami Arena. Alan Ogg drew calls of "Ogggggggggggg," and the fans loved him. Now he's dead at age 42. An infection somehow reached his enlarged heart. In 1991, then staff writer and n ... More >>
Blogs
June 5, 2009
When Tweets Lie
The Miami Herald reported Wednesday that there's a Chad Pennington imposter tweeting on Twitter. The quarterback's supposed account talked about various meals and get-togethers with teammates, according to the story. Pennington said he isn't a member of any social networking websites.But what ab ... More >>
Blogs
May 5, 2009
From the Desk of Patrick James Riley
WikicommonsDear Chicago, please trade us Derrick Rose for Michael Beasley...Dear Memphis, please trade us O.J. Mayo for Michael Beasley...Dear New Jersey, please trade us Brook Lopez for Michael Beasley...Dear Minnesota, please trade us Kevin Love for Michael Beasley...Dear L.A. (no, the other L.A.) ... More >>
Blogs
May 4, 2009
The Heat Is Done. Now Can We All Agree the Team Drafted the Wrong Guy?
The Heat's season ended yesterday pretty much the same way it played out all year long -- as a one-man D-Wade show. via Wikimedia CommonsOops. Wrong pick.Unfortunately for the Heat, Sunday's game was one of those "Wade can't possibly carry these clowns all by himself" duds, instead of those "Holy cr ... More >>
Calendar
October 30, 2008
Trick or Heat
A new-look Miami Heat kicks off its season on All Hallows Eve.
Blogs
September 15, 2008
The Heat Is On (For Another Rocky Season?)
A new-look Miami Heat kicks off its season on All Hallows Eve.
Blogs
June 27, 2008
Miami Heat Draft Recap: The Ghost of Harold Miner Has Been Exorcized
A new-look Miami Heat kicks off its season on All Hallows Eve.
More >>

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