Mario Chalmers

Miami Heat Draft Recap: The Ghost of Harold Miner Has Been Exorcized

The Party Crasher - Zo & Wade Team Up For Summer Groove, Rodman Hits The Titty Bar

The Heat Is On (For Another Rocky Season?)

When Tweets Lie

The Miami Herald reported Wednesday that there's a Chad Pennington imposter tweeting on Twitter. The quarterback's supposed account talked about various meals and get-togethers with teammates, according to the story. Pennington said he isn't a member of any social networking websites.But what ab ... More >>

Trick or Heat

A new-look Miami Heat kicks off its season on All Hallows Eve.

The Heat Is Done. Now Can We All Agree the Team Drafted the Wrong Guy?

The Heat's season ended yesterday pretty much the same way it played out all year long -- as a one-man D-Wade show. via Wikimedia CommonsOops. Wrong pick.Unfortunately for the Heat, Sunday's game was one of those "Wade can't possibly carry these clowns all by himself" duds, instead of those "Holy cr ... More >>

From the Desk of Patrick James Riley

WikicommonsDear Chicago, please trade us Derrick Rose for Michael Beasley...Dear Memphis, please trade us O.J. Mayo for Michael Beasley...Dear New Jersey, please trade us Brook Lopez for Michael Beasley...Dear Minnesota, please trade us Kevin Love for Michael Beasley...Dear L.A. (no, the other L.A.) ... More >>

It’s Fall, Time to Ball

WikicommonsDear Chicago, please trade us Derrick Rose for Michael Beasley...Dear Memphis, please trade us O.J. Mayo for Michael Beasley...Dear New Jersey, please trade us Brook Lopez for Michael Beasley...Dear Minnesota, please trade us Kevin Love for Michael Beasley...Dear L.A. (no, the other L.A.) ... More >>

The Book of Isiah

WikicommonsDear Chicago, please trade us Derrick Rose for Michael Beasley...Dear Memphis, please trade us O.J. Mayo for Michael Beasley...Dear New Jersey, please trade us Brook Lopez for Michael Beasley...Dear Minnesota, please trade us Kevin Love for Michael Beasley...Dear L.A. (no, the other L.A.) ... More >>

Three-Feat

WikicommonsDear Chicago, please trade us Derrick Rose for Michael Beasley...Dear Memphis, please trade us O.J. Mayo for Michael Beasley...Dear New Jersey, please trade us Brook Lopez for Michael Beasley...Dear Minnesota, please trade us Kevin Love for Michael Beasley...Dear L.A. (no, the other L.A.) ... More >>

Alan Ogg Dead: His Gumby-esque Physique Ruled the Miami Arena

​Before Dwyane Wade, the O'Neal twins, Mario Chalmers, and Eric Spoiled Boy, a seven-foot two-inch giant ruled the Miami Arena. Alan Ogg drew calls of "Ogggggggggggg," and the fans loved him. Now he's dead at age 42. An infection somehow reached his enlarged heart. In 1991, then staff writer and n ... More >>

The Heat Has Cooled

​Before Dwyane Wade, the O'Neal twins, Mario Chalmers, and Eric Spoiled Boy, a seven-foot two-inch giant ruled the Miami Arena. Alan Ogg drew calls of "Ogggggggggggg," and the fans loved him. Now he's dead at age 42. An infection somehow reached his enlarged heart. In 1991, then staff writer and n ... More >>

Miami Heat Bans Gambling on Team Flights

​In the aftermath of Gilbert Arenas of the Washington Wizards unloading a handgun in the team's locker room over a gambling debt, the Miami Heat have become the second team in the NBA to officially ban card games and gambling on team flights.So now Heat players are left with lots of free time duri ... More >>

A Boy Named Lou

​In the aftermath of Gilbert Arenas of the Washington Wizards unloading a handgun in the team's locker room over a gambling debt, the Miami Heat have become the second team in the NBA to officially ban card games and gambling on team flights.So now Heat players are left with lots of free time duri ... More >>

No Boozer or Big Trade for Miami; Wade's OK, But Will He Stay?

It was already clear that we wouldn't be getting Amar'e, but last minute rumors that The Heat might be landing Carlos Boozer from the Utah Jazz appeared to be unfounded."That was like, huh, what?'' Jazz general manager Kevin O'Connor said this afternoon, according to the Deseret News.So that means n ... More >>

From Riches to Rags

It was already clear that we wouldn't be getting Amar'e, but last minute rumors that The Heat might be landing Carlos Boozer from the Utah Jazz appeared to be unfounded."That was like, huh, what?'' Jazz general manager Kevin O'Connor said this afternoon, according to the Deseret News.So that means n ... More >>

LeBron James Changes Jersey Number, Maybe, Because 23 is Retired in Miami?

​Cleveland Cavaliers superstar LeBron James announced that he just sent in paperwork to have his uniform number changed from 23 to 6. The official word is that it's a tribute to Michael Jordan, though the number 23 figures quite prominently into the logo used for his Nike apparel. Why the sudd ... More >>

Miami Heat vs. Orlando Magic: Ten Points

​Last night, the Miami Heat lost 108-102 to the Orlando Magic in overtime, inspiring the following ten observations about the state of our b-ball team.1. Outside of Michael Beasley (on the nights Erik Spoelstra actually lets the kid play), Dwyane Wade is all alone.2. The Magic out-rebounded Miami ... More >>

Game Two of the NBA Playoffs: Miami Heat vs. Boston Celtics: Epic Fail

​In a game that could only described as "refried ass, " the Miami Heat were walloped by the Boston Celtics 106-77 in last night's game two of the first round NBA Playoffs. The Heat managed to keep things close in the first quarter, rebounding after a slow start and even managing to take the lead f ... More >>

Drink Up Tonight's Heat Game 3 with T.O. Michael Beasley and Lawrence Taylor

Photo: Marc Serota​NFL greats Terrell Owens, Lawrence Taylor, Channing Crowder, Ray Buchanan and Matthew Hatchette will show up on a commercial for Title Sports Drink during tonight's game three of the Miami Heat playoff game -- and on the draft shows starting today on  ESPN and the NF ... More >>

Chris Bosh Being Traded to Miami for Beasley, Chalmers, and Anthony?

​Step 1 of the Miami Heat's master plan might be near completion if Miami Herald scribe/radio host Dan LeBatard's Twitter feed is to be believed. He reports that a mega sign-and-trade deal between the Toronto Raptors and Miami Heat is pretty much done in principle.The Heat would get Chris Bosh, on ... More >>

Live Blog: Heat vs. Celtics

​Have no one to watch tonight's Heat-Celtics NBA season debut with? You do have someone to watch it with but they don't provide the same award-winning rapier wit-like banter you find here on your friendly neighborhood Miami New Times blog?Well have no fear! Because the Riptide 2.0 Heat vs. Celtics ... More >>

Heat Take Down Jazz, Extend Win-Streak to Six

​The Miami Heat overcame a raucous Salt Lake City crowd and a few relentless Utah Jazz rallies and came away with the 111-98 victory against the vaunted Jazz last night. It was the team's sixth straight victory after their much ballyhooed loss to the Dallas Mavericks three weeks ago when LeBr ... More >>

Clippers Snap Miami Heat's Winning Streak

​In 1989, the Miami Heat snapped it's 17-game losing streak by defeating the L.A. Clippers, and earning the franchise its first ever win. Last night, the Clippers snapped the Heat's 13-consecutive road wins streak, beating the Heat 111 - 105 at the Staples Center. Synergy? Coincidence? Or..... KAR ... More >>

LeBron-less Heat Trounced by Nuggets

​The Miami Heat suited up against Denver last night without LeBron James and his karma-fucked ankle. This was also the last game before the Heat return to the east coast where when it's 7:30, it's not actually 10:30. Mix in a dash of Mario Chalmers bricks and a Mike Miller who suddenly treats the ... More >>

Heat Fall Short Against Bulls, Lose Third Straight

​LeBron James was forced to sit out his second-straight game with his karma-fucked ankle, forcing Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh to once again play with Mario Chalmers longer than they should be able to.Wade missed a three-point attempt as regulation expired, as the Heat fell to the Bulls 99-96, givin ... More >>

Sans Wade or Bosh, LeBron James and Mike Miller Lead Heat, Snap Losing Streak

​Dwayne Wade was forced to sit out thanks to a migraine, while Chris Bosh sat out his second-straight game with a bum left ankle. And so LeBron James was left to the mercy of having to rely on Mario Chalmers and Carlos Arroyo for support if the Miami Heat was going to snap their longest losing str ... More >>

Ricky Rubio Wants to Play for the Heat, Maybe

​Known for his creative Pistol Pete Maravich playing style, shaggy haired Spanish phenom Ricky Rubio was the youngest player to play for the Spanish ACB League when he debuted at the age of 14. Then in June of 2009, when Rubio was 19, he declared himself eligible for the NBA Draft where the Minne ... More >>

Cold Fourth Quarter Sinks Heat

​Dwyane Wade's magic goggles seemed to run out of awesome juice in the fourth quarter of Thursday night's 93-88 loss to the New York Knicks.Because after Wade started the game hitting pretty much every shot he threw up (except his free throws... hit those goddamn free throws, D-Wade!!), he missed ... More >>

Despite Late-Game Rally, Heat Lose to Boston for Third-Straight Time

​The Miami Heat entered today's game against the Boston Celtics with a chance to take sole possession of first place in the East. They also entered the game riding a pretty nifty eight game-winning streak. But those things quickly turned to the proverbial mound of cat turd as the C's held off ... More >>

Chris Bosh Goes 1-for-18 as Heat fall to Derrick Rose and the Bulls

​Chris Bosh and the Miami Heat's bench decided to turn in the absolute worst performance ever in the history of everything in a game that will undoubtedly have playoff seeding implications down the stretch.The Heat held a 9-point lead at the half against the Chicago Bulls last night, only to see i ... More >>

Heat Blow 15-Point Lead, Lose to the Knicks

​The Miami Heat blew a 15-point lead and lost 91-86 to the New York Knicks last night, thus making local sports talk radio even douchier than normal for at least another week.The loss continues a troubling trend of not being able to beat playoff contending teams, or even win a big game in the clos ... More >>

Reports: Miami Heat to Sign Mike Bibby

Headband? Check! Not Mario Chalmers? Double check!​According to several reports, the Miami Heat will sign former Kings, Hawks, and Wizards point guard Mike Bibby.The Heat had to waive a player today to make room on the roster for Bibby's services.But no worries, Heat fans. If you still pine for a ... More >>

Miami Heat Have Yet Another Late-Game Meltdown, Get Swept By Bulls

​The Miami Heat had yet another late-game collapse, losing yet another game at the buzzer and going down to yet another playoff-caliber team when they lost 87-86 to the Chicago Bulls yesterday. And while the Heat are now 0-6 against the Celtics and Bulls, and 1-9 against the NBA's top five teams, ... More >>

Heat Playoffs: Heat Fail to Sweep 76ers

​The Miami Heat shot 39 percent from the floor, went 5-for-23 from the three-point line, got only 16 total points from their bench, zero points from their starting point guard, and 1 point from their starting center.But all everyone is going to remember from their 86-82 Game 4 loss to the Philadel ... More >>

Heat Playoffs: Heat Close Out 76ers, On To Boston

​Dwyane Wade scored 26, Chris Bosh added 22 and LeBron James finished two assists shy of a triple-double in last night's 97-91 win over the Philadelphia 76ers.But, more importantly, we finally have the answer to the who should have the ball in his hands with the game on the line at crunch time? qu ... More >>

Heat Playoffs: Celtics Strike Back

The Douche Strikes Back!​After roughly 5,836 days in between games, the Miami Heat finally resumed their Eastern Conference semi-final series against the Celtics in Boston. The end result wasn't as awesome as Games 1 and 2, in that the Heat got creamed pretty badly.But the good news is Erik Spoels ... More >>

Udonis Haslem and His Amazing Feats of Awesome

​In Game 1 of the Eastern Conference finals, the Miami Heat had zero answers for the Chicago Bulls and their insane rebounding prowess, sharp shooting, monster dunks and screamy faces. But in last night's Game 2, the Heat answered with the one-two punch of LeBron James and the ball obliterating re ... More >>

Heat-Bulls Game 4/Election-Results Live Blog-a-palooza

​Big night in Miami tonight. On one side, the Miami Heat hosting the Chicago Bulls in Game 4 of the Eastern Conference Finals. On the other, the Miami-Dade elections. What's a good Miamian to do? Watch the game? Check on the election results?Well, don't fret, good citizen. Just stay with us t ... More >>

Dallas Mavericks vs. Miami Heat Game 1: Winning Time

​If you're a fan of low scoring games, low-percentage shooting and sleep depravity, then Game 1 of the NBA Finals was the game for you!LeBron James scored 24 while Dwyane Wade added 22 and Chris Bosh went for 19 as the Miami Heat took down the Dallas Mavericks 92-84 to take the first game of the b ... More >>

Miami Heat vs. Dallas Mavericks NBA Finals Game 5: On The Brink

​After the giant mound of ostrich shit that was LeBron James' 8-point performance from Game 4, he called Game 5 the biggest of his career. The world then waited for LeBron to come out in Game 5 and serve the Mavericks a can filled with ass whoopin'. Instead, Heat fans got served a can filled with ... More >>

The Murderous Miami Heat Drinking Game

​Note: This log, apparently describing an NBA Finals-themed drinking game played by a group of Miami Heat fans, was discovered late Sunday night. The fate of the heartbroken revelers is not known.FIRST QUARTER12:00 -- All right, time for tip-off! Super excited to have all this booze. Keeping ... More >>

Miami Heat vs. Dallas Mavericks NBA Finals Game 6: Kaput

​After winning Game six 105-95, the Dallas Mavericks are NBA champions. Meanwhile, the Miami Heat are left with a shitload of questions, LeBron James will continue to be haunted by his Finals failure, and Heat fans everywhere are walking around feeling like their favorite uncle just placed his wie ... More >>

Wade, James and Bosh to Host Charity All-Star Game at FIU

Dwyane Wade, LeBron James and Chris Bosh haven't played together since the last game of the NBA Finals, and with the lockout in full effect we weren't sure when it would happen again. That's about to change. The trio is expected to announce plan for a charity All-Star game at FIU on Octobe ... More >>

Shaq Criticizes LeBron in Latest Autobiography Excerpt

​A second round of excerpts from Shaquille O'Neal upcoming Autobiography have hit the web. In the first round, Shaq detailed his near-fight with Pat Riley, but in the latest the first Miami Heat messiah criticizes our current one, LeBron James.

James Jones and Mario Chalmers Will Return to the Heat (at a Discount)

​Today is finally the beginning of the NBA's free-agency period, and with the Heat's first game a little more than two weeks away, the team will have to work fast and furious to nail the roster down. We've already gotten news that Shane Battier and Eddy Curry will be new guys on the block, bu ... More >>

The Best Revenge is Revenge: Heat Take Down Hawks in 3OT Without James or Wade

​Dwyane Wade, out with a sore left foot. LeBron James, out with a sprained left ankle. The Miami Heat, having to go into Atlanta undermanned, against a Hawks team that had just beaten them at home with James and Wade.Problem? Shit and no.Enter Chris Bosh. Bosh proceeded to trample any hopes Atlant ... More >>

Heat Blow 17-Point Lead, Lose to Warriors, Let's Everybody Overreact!

​While you were sleeping last night, the Miami Heat offense went and also decided to fall asleep in the fourth quarter of their 111-106 overtime loss to the Golden State Warriors.It was a game of turnovers, sloppy play, Mario Chalmers dribbling basketballs off his foot, Udonis Haslem missing dunks ... More >>

Chris Bosh Is A Smooth Operator: Heat Take Down Cavs

BoshBalls!​The Miami Heat seemed to have been sleepwalking through the first three quarters of last night's game against the Cleveland Cavaliers. And all that dicking around might have cost them the game if not for Chris Bosh blowing up with his 17 fourth-quarter points.Miami was able to sustain s ... More >>

Heat Lose to Magic in a Barrage of Threes

​Opponents have been raining three pointers down on the Miami Heat all season long, and last night the Orlando Magic decided that was a good idea too, and hit 4,000 17 three pointers, taking the 102-89 win over Miami.Dwight Howard, who has apparently checked out and doesn't give a shit about baske ... More >>