Mario Chalmers

  • Blogs

    October 28, 2014

    The Miami Heat Are Doomed: Five Disasters That Could Torpedo This Season

    The Miami Heat is back in your living room tomorrow night for the season opener, looking a tad different from past years but just as cocky. Slogans, campaigns, videos -- you name it; the team wants you to know it isn't going anywhere. This is still the Miami Heat, and it competes for an NBA champion ... More >>

  • Blogs

    October 22, 2014

    Yes, the Miami Heat Can Return to the NBA Finals if These Five Things Fall Into Place

    Amazingly enough, it's already almost time to turn your attention to what's happening down on Biscayne Boulevard, as your new-look, less-hyped Miami Heat returns a week from today, looking to prove to the world that its world does not revolve around one man. The Heat still has the same goal -- cha ... More >>

  • Blogs

    August 28, 2014

    Mario Chalmers Selling Condo He Bought From Drake at $1.6 Million Markup

    Back in 2012, Miami Heat point guard Mario Chalmers bought a condo from Drake for $2.4 million. Just two years later he's put it back on the market for $4 million. Yes, it is the condo from the "I'm on One" video.

  • Blogs

    June 10, 2014

    Five Ways Heat Can Get Revenge for A/C-Gate

    Bienvenidos a Miami, San Antonio Spurs. You got a lot of splainin' to do. You see, the rest of America may buy your convenient "Oh, the A/C just happened to break right at tip-off of game one of the NBA Finals, so weird, whoops!" but not us in the Magic City. Nope, Miamians are trained to sniff out ... More >>

  • Blogs

    May 6, 2014

    Heat vs. Nets: Five Key Questions For the Eastern Conference Semifinals

    Now things start to get interesting. The Bobcats series was cute and all, with some mild excitement and dramatic moments here and there, but now is when things start to get super really real. Tonight in Miami, the Heat face the Brooklyn Nets, a team that swept the regular season series, in Game One ... More >>

  • Blogs

    April 20, 2014

    Miami Heat vs. Charlotte Bobcats: Five Things To Watch

    Welcome back to the three most stressful months of your life, it's time to basketball. The NBA Playoffs have finally arrived and the Miami Heat are right where you expected them to be, firmly cemented as the odds-on favorite to repeat as World Champions. A less than dominant regular season has some ... More >>

  • Blogs

    December 24, 2013

    LeBron Scores 38, Heat Edge Hawks in OT 120-119

    The Heat sure do know how to turn a random Monday night game against the Hawks into some serious entertainment. LeBron James had 38 points, eight rebounds, and six assists in the Heat's 120-119 overtime, surprisingly eventful, Monday night win. With the victory, the Heat sweep their five-game home ... More >>

  • Blogs

    December 4, 2013

    Miami Heat Boasts Its Bench Could Make The Playoffs

    Let's imagine a terrible scenario in which the Miami Heat's five starters all magically develop some sort of injury that collectively keeps all five out until the playoffs, Would the team even make the playoffs? Dwyane Wade and Udonis Haslem thinks the bench players could get them there on their own ... More >>

  • Blogs

    November 13, 2013

    Heat vs. Bucks: LeBron Is Lord of the Rings; 20 Tweets That Tell the Story

    Entering Tuesday night's game against the Milwaukee Bucks, LeBron James made it clear that all this losing stuff isn't cute to him anymore, and he politely requests that his teammates help cut that shit out. "We've been playing defensively like sh--, no doubt about it. I'm frustrated right now. We ... More >>

  • Blogs

    November 8, 2013

    Heat vs. Clippers: Miami Wraps Chris Paul in Chalmer Chains

    Dwyane Wade scored 29 and LeBron James had 18 Thursday night in a 102-97 Miami Heat win over the Los Angeles Clippers. The game marked the biggest test the Heat have faced so far this season, with many predicting these same two teams will meet in the Finals come June. Miami passed the test.

  • Blogs

    October 16, 2013

    Mario Chalmers Will Never Eat Crab Dip Again

    The Miami Heat dropped a preseason away game to the Washington Wizards last night, but perhaps the Verizon Center's crab dip had just as much to do with it as the team. Mario Chalmers was pretty much a non-factor last night, and he blames his poor performance on downing the arena concession stand ... More >>

  • Blogs

    September 25, 2013

    Miami Heat Twitter Breakdown: LeBron Reigns, Haslem's Boring, Battier Only Follows 9 People

    The NBA season is still a month away but already Miami is bubbling with news about our back-to-back champion ballers. Michael Beasley has returned, hopefully minus the marijuana habit. Draft pick James Ennis is already king of the koalas. And you may soon be able to buy a jersey with "Jesus Shuttles ... More >>

  • Blogs

    September 24, 2013

    Miami Heat Could Wear Jerseys With Nicknames Next Season

    Last names are so over. The NBA is reportedly entertaining the possibility of allowing the Miami Heat to display nicknames on the back of their jersey for at least one game against the Brooklyn Nets next season -- probably because finding an excuse to offer a new limited edition LeBron jersey is too ... More >>

  • Blogs

    June 10, 2013

    Second-Half Run Sparks Heat's 104-83 Win Over Spurs in Game Two

    Tiago Splitter rose up full-throttle, mean-mugged and toting bad intentions and a handful of basketball, and just then, LeBron James screamed, "You DO NOT collect $200, and you DO NOT PASS TIA-GO!" The play was key in a 30-5 run that made you slap yo mama and helped the Miami Heat even the NBA Final ... More >>

  • Blogs

    June 6, 2013

    2013 NBA Finals Preview: Five Heat vs. Spurs Matchups to Watch

    We have reached the season three finale of Miami Heat Against the World, the greatest show in television history. Just when you think the show has peaked and might get canceled, it gets renewed for another four episodes. In its third consecutive finals appearance, the Heat now takes on the San Ant ... More >>

  • Blogs

    May 31, 2013

    LeBron James Explodes In Third Quarter, Leads Heat to 90-79 Win Over Indiana

    Faced with a second half deficit and a seemingly inevitable Game Five loss, LeBron James took it upon himself to break the emergency glass surrounding his unstoppableness and unleash it upon the Indiana Pacers. There were no reported survivors. LeBron came out of the halftime locker room ready to ma ... More >>

  • Blogs

    May 29, 2013

    Pacers Outlast Heat 99-92, Even Series 2-2

    The Indiana Pacers beat the Heat Tuesday night 99-92 in a game that provided Heat fans with enough testicular torsion to last a lifetime. With the Spurs already in the clubhouse, the NBA sent Joey Crawford his Verne Troyer penis-looking face out to throw his entire bag of fouls onto the Heat's ball ... More >>

  • Blogs

    April 1, 2013

    Bosh Hits Game Winner To Beat Spurs 88-86 in Game Without James and Wade

    Backups? We ain't got no stinkin' backups! San Antonio seems like a good place to take a nap, and indeed rest is what the Miami Heat did while visiting the city on Sunday, sitting LeBron James, Dwyane Wade and Mario Chalmers with various minor injuries. Throwing out a starting lineup of Mike Miller, ... More >>

  • Blogs

    March 1, 2013

    The Miami Heat Make a Harlem Shake Video Because Why The Hell Not?

    When you're kicking ass on the court, you can pretty much do whatever you want off of it. The Chicago Bears had the "Super Bowl Shuffle" back in 1986. Now the Miami Heat have made their claim to this year's meme, the Harlem Shake.And a helluva claim it is, with King James prancing around in a crown ... More >>

  • Blogs

    January 31, 2013

    LeBron James, Heat Shut Up Smack-Talking Nets with 105-85 Win

    During shootaround prior to last night's game, Brooklyn's pedestrian, no-rings, Dopey-headed fool of a starting power forward, Reggie Evans, ran off his mouth about how the Heat's championship "didn't count" because of the lockout and how LeBron James was no different then a lot of other players in ... More >>

  • Blogs

    November 13, 2012

    Miami Heat Season Opener Party with Mario Chalmers in Miami

    The Miami Heat's Mario Chalmers is throwing a party to celebrate the kick-off of another white hot season of beating the crap out of every other team (we hope). The party, hosted by Chalmers and attorney Michael Grieco is being held at the Hilton Downtown Miami Hotel on Sunday, November 18, from 7 p ... More >>

  • Blogs

    June 18, 2012

    Miami Heat Win Ugly, Take 2-1 Series Lead

    The Miami Heat shot 37 percent from the field last night. They turned the ball over nine times in the fourth quarter. Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook both shot over 50 percent. Dwyane Wade's performance was once again pure ass. Chris Bosh finished 3-for-12 from the field. LeBron James failed to ... More >>

  • Blogs

    June 7, 2012

    If The Heat Lose Tonight, Who Might Not Be Wearing a Miami Jersey Next Year?

    This is a silly, stupid little post to be writing. The Heat will of course stage a magnificent comeback tonight and go on to emerge victorious in the finals, because whatever powers that rule the universe will decide to give Miami, this muggy land of hurricanes, poverty, foreclosures and zombie atta ... More >>

  • Blogs

    June 6, 2012

    Heat Choke Away Game 5, One Loss Away From Elimination

    Holy fucking ass clenching horsefuckery, this team!!The Miami Heat had everything in its favor. A game at home. A 13-point lead in the second quarter. A 9-point lead in the third. The Boston Celtics stars struggling on offense. A chance to go up 3-2 and force Boston to win two games in a row.And yet ... More >>

  • Blogs

    May 18, 2012

    Dwyane Wade Implodes as Heat Fall Into 2-1 Hole Against the Pacers

    Up until last night, the story of this Eastern Conference semi-final was Chris Bosh's abdominal strain and how much the Heat would miss him. But after last night's 94-75 blowout loss to the Pacers, the story is now how Dwyane Wade magically transformed into an amorphous blob of basketball shittiness ... More >>

  • Calendar

    April 5, 2012
  • Blogs

    April 4, 2012

    Heat Clinch Playoff Berth With 16th Consecutive Home Win

    Weirdly enough, the Miami Heat only play like a bag of shit on the road, because they remain as dominant as ever at home. LeBron James dropped a season-high 41 points -- 15 in the fourth quarter -- as the Heat took down the Philadelphia 76ers 99-93 last night, winning their 16th straight home g ... More >>

  • Blogs

    April 2, 2012

    Heat Turns In Worst Offensive Performance of Year, Loses to Celtics

    ​The Miami Heat has been unstoppable at home since the All-Star break. On the road, however, the team has been a big, heaping pile of ass. And that was certainly the case yesterday during their 91-72 gag reflex of a loss to the Boston Celtics.Rajon Rondo recorded a triple-double against Miami's de ... More >>

  • Blogs

    January 11, 2012

    Heat Blow 17-Point Lead, Lose to Warriors, Let's Everybody Overreact!

    ​While you were sleeping last night, the Miami Heat offense also fell asleep in the fourth quarter of their 111-106 overtime loss to the Golden State Warriors.It was a game of turnovers, sloppy play, Mario Chalmers dribbling basketballs off his foot, Udonis Haslem missing dunks, LeBron James ... More >>

  • Blogs

    January 6, 2012

    The Best Revenge is Revenge: Heat Take Down Hawks in 3OT Without James or Wade

    ​Dwyane Wade, out with a sore left foot. LeBron James, out with a sprained left ankle. The Miami Heat, having to go into Atlanta undermanned, against a Hawks team that had just beaten them at home with James and Wade.Problem? Shit and no.Enter Chris Bosh. Bosh proceeded to trample any hopes Atlant ... More >>

  • Blogs

    December 9, 2011

    James Jones and Mario Chalmers Will Return to the Heat (at a Discount)

    ​Today is finally the beginning of the NBA's free-agency period, and with the Heat's first game a little more than two weeks away, the team will have to work fast and furious to nail the roster down. We've already gotten news that Shane Battier and Eddy Curry will be new guys on the block, bu ... More >>

  • Blogs

    June 10, 2011

    Miami Heat vs. Dallas Mavericks NBA Finals Game 5: On The Brink

    ​After the giant mound of ostrich shit that was LeBron James' 8-point performance from Game 4, he called Game 5 the biggest of his career. The world then waited for LeBron to come out in Game 5 and serve the Mavericks a can filled with ass whoopin'. Instead, Heat fans got served a can filled with ... More >>

  • Blogs

    April 28, 2011

    Heat Playoffs: Heat Close Out 76ers, On To Boston

    ​Dwyane Wade scored 26, Chris Bosh added 22 and LeBron James finished two assists shy of a triple-double in last night's 97-91 win over the Philadelphia 76ers.But, more importantly, we finally have the answer to the who should have the ball in his hands with the game on the line at crunch time? qu ... More >>

  • Blogs

    April 25, 2011

    Heat Playoffs: Heat Fail to Sweep 76ers

    ​The Miami Heat shot 39 percent from the floor, went 5-for-23 from the three-point line, got only 16 total points from their bench, zero points from their starting point guard, and 1 point from their starting center.But all everyone is going to remember from their 86-82 Game 4 loss to the Philadel ... More >>

  • Blogs

    March 1, 2011

    Reports: Miami Heat to Sign Mike Bibby

    Headband? Check! Not Mario Chalmers? Double check!​According to several reports, the Miami Heat will sign former Kings, Hawks, and Wizards point guard Mike Bibby.The Heat had to waive a player today to make room on the roster for Bibby's services.But no worries, Heat fans. If you still pine for a ... More >>

  • Blogs

    February 28, 2011

    Heat Blow 15-Point Lead, Lose to the Knicks

    ​The Miami Heat blew a 15-point lead and lost 91-86 to the New York Knicks last night, thus making local sports talk radio even douchier than normal for at least another week.The loss continues a troubling trend of not being able to beat playoff contending teams, or even win a big game in the clos ... More >>

  • Blogs

    January 27, 2011

    Cold Fourth Quarter Sinks Heat

    ​Dwyane Wade's magic goggles seemed to run out of awesome juice in the fourth quarter of Thursday night's 93-88 loss to the New York Knicks.Because after Wade started the game hitting pretty much every shot he threw up (except his free throws... hit those goddamn free throws, D-Wade!!), he missed ... More >>

  • Blogs

    January 15, 2011

    Heat Fall Short Against Bulls, Lose Third Straight

    ​LeBron James was forced to sit out his second-straight game with his karma-fucked ankle, forcing Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh to once again play with Mario Chalmers longer than they should be able to.Wade missed a three-point attempt as regulation expired, as the Heat fell to the Bulls 99-96, givin ... More >>

  • Blogs

    January 14, 2011

    LeBron-less Heat Trounced by Nuggets

    ​The Miami Heat suited up against Denver last night without LeBron James and his karma-fucked ankle. This was also the last game before the Heat return to the east coast where when it's 7:30, it's not actually 10:30. Mix in a dash of Mario Chalmers bricks and a Mike Miller who suddenly treats the ... More >>

  • Blogs

    June 30, 2010

    Chris Bosh Being Traded to Miami for Beasley, Chalmers, and Anthony?

    ​Step 1 of the Miami Heat's master plan might be near completion if Miami Herald scribe/radio host Dan LeBatard's Twitter feed is to be believed. He reports that a mega sign-and-trade deal between the Toronto Raptors and Miami Heat is pretty much done in principle.The Heat would get Chris Bosh, on ... More >>

  • Blogs

    March 2, 2010

    LeBron James Changes Jersey Number, Maybe, Because 23 is Retired in Miami?

    ​Cleveland Cavaliers superstar LeBron James announced that he just sent in paperwork to have his uniform number changed from 23 to 6. The official word is that it's a tribute to Michael Jordan, though the number 23 figures quite prominently into the logo used for his Nike apparel. Why the sudd ... More >>

  • Blogs

    January 12, 2010

    Miami Heat Bans Gambling on Team Flights

    ​In the aftermath of Gilbert Arenas of the Washington Wizards unloading a handgun in the team's locker room over a gambling debt, the Miami Heat have become the second team in the NBA to officially ban card games and gambling on team flights.So now Heat players are left with lots of free time duri ... More >>

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    December 3, 2009
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    October 29, 2009
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    October 8, 2009
  • Blogs

    June 5, 2009

    When Tweets Lie

    The Miami Herald reported Wednesday that there's a Chad Pennington imposter tweeting on Twitter. The quarterback's supposed account talked about various meals and get-togethers with teammates, according to the story. Pennington said he isn't a member of any social networking websites.But what ab ... More >>

  • Blogs

    May 5, 2009

    From the Desk of Patrick James Riley

    Dear Chicago, please trade us Derrick Rose for Michael Beasley...Dear Memphis, please trade us O.J. Mayo for Michael Beasley...Dear New Jersey, please trade us Brook Lopez for Michael Beasley...Dear Minnesota, please trade us Kevin Love for Michael Beasley...Dear L.A. (no, the other L.A.), please tr ... More >>

  • Blogs

    May 4, 2009

    The Heat Is Done. Now Can We All Agree the Team Drafted the Wrong Guy?

    The Heat's season ended yesterday pretty much the same way it played out all year long -- as a one-man D-Wade show. via Wikimedia CommonsOops. Wrong pick.Unfortunately for the Heat, Sunday's game was one of those "Wade can't possibly carry these clowns all by himself" duds, instead of those "Holy cr ... More >>

  • Calendar

    October 30, 2008

    Trick or Heat

    A new-look Miami Heat kicks off its season on All Hallows Eve.

  • Blogs

    June 27, 2008

    Miami Heat Draft Recap: The Ghost of Harold Miner Has Been Exorcized

    When NBA commissioner David Stern walked up to the microphone last night and said, “With the second pick in the 2008 NBA draft the Miami Heat select…” there was a collective sphincter-clenching angst that shot across Heat Nation. “Oh shit,” we all thought breathlessly, “are we going to h ... More >>

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