Jeffrey Loria

Arrested Development Miami: The Bluth Family and Their Real-Life Miami Counterparts

After a seven-year hiatus, cult sitcom Arrested Development returns on Netflix this weekend. Of course, in Miami, a city of sociopathic, vain crooks you might not be aware that a show about a family of sociopathic, vain crooks has been off the air for so long. In fact, since the show's initial cance ... More >>

Miami Marlins Are Selling So Few Tickets They're Closing the Upper Deck

Remember when the Marlins used to cover the whole upper deck at Sun Life Stadium with a big blue tarp so the game looked a little more full even though only a few thousand people showed up? That was one of the main reasons the team pushed for a much smaller, taxpayer-funded ballpark in Little Havana ... More >>

Marlins Firesale Scared Away Businesses From Setting Up at the Ballpark

Marlins Park was at the very least supposed to be something of an economic engine for the surrounding Little Havana neighborhood, but like so many other things promised about the deal, that turned out to be a lie, too. The Miami Herald reports this morning that three tenants who were interested in ... More >>

Marlins in the Midst of An Amazing Non-Sucking Streak

The Miami Marlins have recently shocked the sports world by going on a breathtaking run in which the team has not completely sucked. A team that started of the season with just five wins in their first 24 games suddenly can now be described with such high praise as "competent," "slightly better than ... More >>

Marlins Prez David Samson Was Grilled on Real Sports: "Fans Should Be Disappointed"

HBO's Real Sports was nothing short of cathartic for frustrated Miami Marlins fans last night. Bryant Gumbel sat down with Marlins president David Samson and grilled him harder than a row of chickens at Pollo Tropical.See also:- Six lies about the Marlins stadium- Lifelong Marlins Fans Tossed From H ... More >>

Reader Mail: EDM's Drug Fetish Needs to End

Lifelong Marlins Fans Tossed From Home Opener for Protesting Loria

Like most lifelong Marlins fans, Dan Barton feels like team owner Jeffrey Loria spent the offseason repeatedly kicking him in the junk. So the 25-year-old and three of his friends showed up at last night's home opener with some homemade signs and T-shirts -- "Free the Marlins" and "F Jeff" were the ... More >>

Marlins' Terrible Home-Run Sculpture Cost More Than Most of Their Roster

Hope you're psyched for Opening Day, Miami! Your hometown Marlins are off to a roaring start. If by "roaring," you mean they're tied for the worst record in baseball, have scored just 14 runs in six games, and are so desperate for a first-baseman they held open auditions yesterday, that is.Just in c ... More >>

Meet the 2013 Miami Marlins! A Position-By-Position Analysis of Baseball's Worst Lineup

Step right up, meet your 2013 Miami Marlins, same as the 2012 Miami Marlins -- only completely different! If you're anything like me, you're angry, you're hurt, and you may or may not say to yourself during a jog, "Hey, that's a good place to hide a body named Jeffrey Loria!" But hear me out, we got ... More >>

Miami Mayor Tomas Regalado Says Marlins "Raped" Taxpayers in Stadium Deal

As the Marlins gear up for what many predict will be their worst-performing, least-attended season ever -- just one year after opening a taxpayer-funded ballpark -- the wolves are howling outside owner Jeffrey Loria's door. The latest barrage of bad press comes in Sports Illustrated, where former Mi ... More >>

SoBeWFF: Women Rule Delta Diamond Dishes

Look, we're not sports experts (unless you consider competitive eating a sport), but we will tell you that there's a frisson of electricity that runs through you when you step onto a major league baseball diamond. And that's what happened at last evening's South Beach Wine & Food Festival Diamon ... More >>

(More Than) 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall

Rick Ross, John McAfee, and Jeffrey Loria in 2013

What Will Become Of John McAfee, Marco Rubio and Jeffrey Loria?

Uncle Luke, the man whose booty shaking madness made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech gets as nasty as he wants to be for Miami New Times. This week, Luke makes his predictions for the new year. What will happen in 2013 to capture people's attention? Who will do something to make us s ... More >>

New Year Resolutions For Miami's Best and Brightest

The world didn't end after all on December 21, so now we all gotta make amends for our bad behavior in 2012. Our New Year's resolutions last year all failed, of course, whether it was taking abuelita to church every Sunday or deleting our Facebook accounts because Mark Zuckerberg is a privacy-pirati ... More >>

Miami New Times' Dirty Dozen 2012

The Miami Marlins Just Traded All Their Players: Reyes, Johnson, Buehrle, Buck and Bonafacio All Gone

One year after the taxpayers of Miami-Dade gave Jeffrey Loria a brand new, $560 million ballpark, he's already given up even pretending to field a major league baseball team. In one of the largest salary dumps in the history of baseball, the Marlins are reportedly shipping basically every player on ... More >>

Losers’ Ball

Marlins' Reality Show Trailer Shows Ozzie Guillen Being Suspended By David Samson

The second season of The Franchise, Showtime's baseball "docudrama" (a fancy word for reality series) isn't supposed to debut for months. Of course, this season the show is following the exploits of the Miami Marlins, and the season has already had its fair share of drama. So, Showtime is rushing a ... More >>

How Awkward Was Muhammad Ali's First Pitch Last Night?

On the opening night of the Marlins new ballpark, a lot of things went right: Parking wasn't a catastrophe. The weather was South Florida perfection. On national TV, the new ballpark looked damned gorgeous -- lime green facades, swimming polls and all. And in the best news of the night, no Marlins w ... More >>

Miami Marlins hate taxpayers

With Politicians' Help, Marlins Are Screwing Stadium Neighbors

​Luther Campbell, the man whose booty-shaking madness made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech, gets as nasty as he wants to be for Miami New Times. This week, Luke rips commissioners for the looming parking and traffic problems at the Miami Marlins ballpark.With the Marlins 16 days aw ... More >>

SoBeWFF: Diamond Dishes Event is a Home Run (Photos)

​The Miami Marlins new ballpark was the venue for what had to have been the most striking (pun intended) event of the 2012 South Beach Wine & Food Festival.The moment guests stepped out of the elevator onto the field level Diamond Club area for cocktails and appetizers, cameras flashed and jaw ... More >>

Miami's top news stories of 2011

Dude, where's my city? Miami wakes up with a pounding headache.

Luther Campbell loves the Miami Marlins, federal investigation be damned

Billy the Marlin Reemerges as Rainbow-Colored Mutant Fish

​A few weeks ago, we told you that Miami Marlins mascot Billy the Marlin would return with a new color scheme, and lamented, "Hopefully we don't have to worry about an 8-foot tall orange sports fish walking around the stadium."Well, the new Billy is finally here, and its not quite as bad, and yet ... More >>

Insanely Ugly Animatronic Home-Run Sculpture Unveiled for Marlins Stadium

​You thought the Marlins' rumored new logo could cause eye cancer? Well, if you value your sense of sight, you might not want to take a peek at the absolutely insane robotic structure the Marlins plan to install in their new stadium. It's like someone vomited a bunch of cliché South Florida ... More >>

The Condome: New Marlins stadium gets a rubber coating

Miami Marlins Move Into "Condome": 5 Other Buildings That Should Be Hidden Under Latex

​A few weeks ago, bigwigs at the Florida Miami Marlins announced they were putting the final touches on the team's new stadium in Little Havana. The coup de grace: a rubber membrane designed to reduce the glare off its bulbous, retractable metal roof. Soon the stadium will be shrink-wrapped i ... More >>

The Miami Marlins must suck up to a boat salesman for a website

Logan Morrison Files Grievance Against Marlins, Can We Get In On That?

​Fan favorite and self-described "twittaholic" Logan Morrison has filed an official grievance with the Florida Marlins over his demotion to AAA last month, reports ESPN.The Fish, meanwhile, have lost four in a row due to a comedy of errors. They are 31 games back in the division with only 12 to pl ... More >>

Shocked By Fact They Don't Suck This Year, Florida Marlins May Make Trades To Suck Even Less

​The dozen or so people who can make a serious claim to being true Florida Marlins fans are stoked that his may be the year for the Florida Marlins! The year the team finally loses a playoff series! The Fish currently have a .574 record. That's the fourth best in the entire MLB, and the team looks ... More >>

Brave Passage

Letters from the issue of May 12, 2011

Miami's dirty dozen of 2010

Letters from the issue of December 30, 2010

Wyclef Jean: Dirty Dozen 2010

​Each year, New Times puts together a list of the sketchiest politicians and unholiest celebrities and weirdest human beings to call the Magic City home. So who made the filthy cut this year? We're releasing the names one by one ahead of next week's issue, which comes with a full-page illustra ... More >>

Carlos Bertonatti: Dirty Dozen 2010

​Each year, New Times puts together a list of the sketchiest politicians and unholiest celebrities and weirdest human beings to call the Magic City home. So who made the filthy cut this year? We're releasing the names one by one ahead of next week's issue, which comes with a full-page illustr ... More >>

The Jersey Shore Idiots: Dirty Dozen 2010

​Each year, New Times puts together a list of the sketchiest politicians and unholiest celebrities and weirdest human beings to call the Magic City home. So who made the filthy cut this year? We're releasing the names one by one ahead of next week's issue, which comes with a full-page illustr ... More >>

Capri Anderson: Dirty Dozen 2010

​Each year, New Times puts together a list of the sketchiest politicians, unholiest celebrities, and weirdest human beings to call the Magic City home. So who made the filthy cut this year? We're releasing the names one by one ahead of next week's issue, which comes with a full-page illustration o ... More >>

Former Marlins Excel in Fall Classic

Jeffrey Loria would have more World Series trophies if he wasn't a cheapskate.​Watching Cody Ross rip through Major League Baseball's postseason got us wondering about former Florida Marlins who have tasted sweet success during the Fall Classic since the team won the World Series in 2003.Watching ... More >>

International Burn a Koran Day: What else can we torch September 11?

Marlins Fire Manager Fredi Gonzalez and Two Other Coaches

​Even after delivering a 10-4 win against the Baltimore Orioles last night, the Marlins have announced that they've fired manager Fredi Gonzalez and two other coaches: bench coach Carlos Tosca and hitting coach Jim Presley."It is never easy to make a change in managers. Fredi has been with ou ... More >>

Marlins Owner Jeffrey Loria Went to Jared for Hanley Ramirez

​Last year, Marlins shortstop Hanley Ramirez won the National League batting title, so this past Saturday, team owner Jeffrey Loria gave him a pendant spelling out his batting average -- .342 -- in 394 diamonds, with a big teal diamond for the decimal point. Hanley then nearly choked on a choc ... More >>

Marlins to Play Mets Series in Puerto Rico

​Puerto Rico absolutely loves baseball. Too bad they don't have their own MLB team yet, but hey, apparently we're willing to lend them ours for a weekend. The AP reports that the Marlins June 28-30th series against the New York Mets will be played in San Juan, Puerto Rico. It'll go down at th ... More >>

Meet Your New Marlins Uniform: The Fish Drop the 'Florida' Next Year

News flash: Your Marlins baseball club is building a new stadium that will cost taxpayers $4.7 bagillion and, far more tragically, will probably not be sponsored by Jimmy Buffett's crappy beer. via MLB.com​In happier news, they will also drop the "Florida" from their name -- as if they were ... More >>

Marlins Aren't Firing Fredi Gonzalez

Maybe Jeffrey Loria took Tim Elfrink's advice, and stopped acting like "a world-class moron." Because according to Associated Press sources Marlin manager Fredi Gonzalez's job is safe for now.The AP is citing an unnamed AP source. The Marlins might not be ready to make the official announcement, but ... More >>

Miami Team Owners Really Good at Being Really Bad

Miami sports fans may harbor passion for their teams, but there's no love lost between the fans and the moneybags who actually own the franchises. Maybe it's because thanks to Wayne Huizenga we forgot that all owners aren't often detestable people, but Sports Illustrated points out that the cur ... More >>

Marlins Game : WBC :: Dog Poo : Kobe Beef

I counted three Venezuelan girls in bikini's that made me want to defect on the next plane to Caracas.

Meet the Florida Marlins, er, Riddlers

The team is back for another year but questions abound