Jeff Ireland

Five Players the Dolphins Should Take in Tonight's NFL Draft (and How They'll Screw It Up)

With the NFL's annual tradition of wealthy, white-haired men selecting young, able-bodied (mostly) black men to perform physical endeavors for comparatively negligible pay aimed at aggrandizing the wealthy men's financial station, we're taking a look at who the Dolphins SHOULD pick -- and how they'l ... More >>

The Miami Fan Hater's Guide to the Super Bowl

The Super Bowl is here again and - will you look at that - the Dolphins weren't even close to it again! This is the 29th year in a row since the Dolphins were in the championship round and here we are: Watching two teams better than our own team that is endlessly run by people too incompetent to be ... More >>

Miami Dolphins 2012 Season Recap: The Highs, the Lows, the Ireland

Now that we're firmly entrenched in another playoff season without the Miami Dolphins and the pain of Stephen Ross's absurd season-ending press conference on Monday has faded, it's the perfect time for a cold, hard, slightly inebriated look back at the 2012 season.Ultimately, it was yet another disa ... More >>

Jets Might Hire Dolphins Assistant GM Brian Gaine as Their New GM, Which Should Work Out Well For Them

If there was one silver lining to the NFL season for Dolphins fans this year, it was the fact that while our team might have been mediocre at best, at least we weren't the laughing stock the New York Jets became this year.They've fired their General Manager Mike Tannenbaum, and sort of surprisingly ... More >>

Miami's 2013 Resolutions: Jeffrey Loria Needs to Shut Up, Jeff Ireland Needs to Man Up

New Year Resolutions For Miami's Best and Brightest

The world didn't end after all on December 21, so now we all gotta make amends for our bad behavior in 2012. Our New Year's resolutions last year all failed, of course, whether it was taking abuelita to church every Sunday or deleting our Facebook accounts because Mark Zuckerberg is a privacy-pirati ... More >>

Dolphins Shut Out By Patriots 28-0, Go 7-9 Again

Sunday's action featured the incredible story of an extraordinary athlete's return from a horrific injury to come back against all odds, put his team on his back and lead that now playoff-bound team to victory just as the hero himself nearly broke one of the most coveted records in NFL lore. That wa ... More >>

Miami Dolphins Five Keys To Victory Versus Jaguars

Ah, the Battle for Florida.Former Dolphin Chad 'The Robot' Henne vs. Ryan 'Tanny Boyeee' Tannehill! Revenge for 62-7! Vindication for the loud, smelly fart that 2012 has proven to be! A chance to avoid a fourth losing season in five years! Tough-nosed, physical ... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Fire Jeff Ireland Watch: Living on Borrowed Time

Every week, Riptide's crack team of employment termination scientists gauge just how fireable loathed Dolphins General Manager Jeff Ireland has become following his latest series of horrific blunders. So how close is the Ginger Menace to getting canned this week?Yes, the Dolphins managed to outlast ... More >>

Miami Dolphins Fans: Here's The Jeff Ireland-Hating Parody of Eminem's "My Name Is" You Never Knew You Wanted

It's 2012, not 1999, so we're not really usually in the market for YouTube-hosted parody songs of Eminem's breakout hit "My Name Is."But then again, those parodies usually don't expertly roast Miami Dolphins general manager Jeff Ireland.

Who's Applying To Be University of Miami AD? An Exclusive Look at the Candidates

For the third time since 2008 the Miami Hurricanes are on the hunt for a new athletics director. Don't worry though, University of Miami President Donna Shalala says she has heard from literally hundreds of people who wants the job. "I'm getting hundreds of emails from people wanting the job," she t ... More >>

Fire Jeff Ireland Watch: Dolphins Have Their Naanee Removed

Every week, Riptide's crack team of employment termination scientists gauge just how fireable loathed Dolphins General Manager Jeff Ireland has become following his latest series of horrific blunders. So how close is the Ginger Menace to getting canned this week?Late yesterday, word spread that the ... More >>

Dolphins Fall to Cardinals 24-21 in Second OT Loss In A Row

For the second week in a row, the Dolphins failed to capitalize on opportunities to close out a game and lost an overtime game they should have won. Given the "Cardiac Cards" moniker Arizona has earned as of late, you had to figure this game would get wild towards the end despite three quarters of r ... More >>

Fire Jeff Ireland Watch: A Jets-Sized Nail In the Coffin

Last week, we introduced "Fire Jeff Ireland Watch," Riptide's newest feature, where our crack team of employment termination scientists gauge just how fireable the Dolphins loathed general manager is at the moment following his latest series of horrific blunders. This week, the Ginger Devil's a ... More >>

Dolphins Lose to Jets 23-20 After Missed Field Goals, Reggie Bush Injury

There was a time when kicker Dan Carpenter was responsible for the majority of the points the Dolphins scores, and could be relied upon to line up and bang out a field goal -- from seemingly any distance -- with a twirl of his flowing locks. That time is gone now.The Miami Dolphins lost to the New Y ... More >>

Fire Jeff Ireland Watch: Let The Countdown Commence!

Miami Dolphins General Manager Jeff Ireland's mismanagement of the Fins -- comically whiffing on everything from prospective free agents to current players to young college kids whose mothers were probably not crack-smoking prostitutes -- has been well-documented. He's quite the controversial, talen ... More >>

Jeff Ireland Called a Dolphins Fan an Asshole

Jeff Ireland, the Miami Dolphins general manager best noted for asking Dez Bryant if his mother was a prostitute, has let his mouth get him into more trouble. During Sunday's game, a fan informed Ireland that he should "fire himself." (Of all the things angry sports fans usually tell others to do to ... More >>

Are You Ready for Some Football?

Dolphins Fall to Texans 30-10 In Season-Opening Flop

With seven minutes left in the second quarter on Sunday, the Dolphins looked like a team that seemed to have turned the corner. The defense was playing more like the aggressive squad that had played well last year, the Dolphins receivers were catching the ball on offense, rookie quarterback Ryan Tan ... More >>

Letter to Micky Arison: Send Stephen Ross Pa'l Carajo

Hard Knocks, Episode Five: The Bachelorette Look Like American Gladiators By Comparison

Cheer up, third-round pick/emo perpetually sad-faced tight end/ likely-illustrator-of-fantastical-scenes-involving-dragons-and-Asian-counterculture-anti-heros-during-team-film-sessions / wouldn't-make-any-other-team's-53-man-roster-except-the-piece-of-shit-Jets Michael Egnew - HBO's Hard Knocks feat ... More >>

Dolphins Fall to Cowboys 30-13 To End Preseason Winless, Then Crash The Team Plane

In what is typically the most uninteresting and uneventful of all preseason games, the Dolphins conducted business-as-usual by falling to the Dallas Cowboys 30-13 last night, completing the 2012 preseason with only their third winless effort in franchise history.The Fins followed up in the most appr ... More >>

Hard Knocks, Episode Four: The Dolphins' Personality Problem

A funny thing is happening with this year's installment of Hard Knocks. Previous seasons focused on obvious, larger-than-life coaching personalities in Rex Ryan, Herm Edwards and Brian Billick, but the idea behind this year's inside look at the Dolphins was to cut out all that cute shit and pull bac ... More >>

Miami Dolphins Trade CB Vontae Davis, Continue Ignoring Need for Talent

The Miami Dolphins have traded former first-round pick Vontae Davis to the Indianapolis Colts for a 2013 second-rounder as well as a conditional late-round pick. Obviously, this is a move that makes sense on several fronts given the Midas-like wealth of talent the Dolphins possess at virtually every ... More >>

Hard Knocks Episode One: Thank God For Chad Johnson

Thank God for Chad Johnson. Last night, the "Look At Me" wide receiver was the star of the first episode of Hard Knocks: Training Camp With The Miami Dolphins on HBO. You get the feeling the Dolphins brain trust of General Manager Jeff Ireland and Head Coach Joe Philbin picked up the boisterous play ... More >>

Joey Porter Rips Jeff Ireland: Not "What a GM's Supposed To Be"

​Oh man, have we ever missed Joey Porter and his big, fat, flapping mouth. He talked himself out of town back in 2010. Porter pretty much got fired after ripping the team's management and then coach Tony Sparano. Rest assured, he still has words for Dolphins GM Jeff Ireland and sounded off about t ... More >>

Miami Dolphins: The Worst Franchise in the NFL

​Luther Campbell, the man whose booty-shaking madness made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech, gets as nasty as he wants to be. In this special edition, Luke laments the epic fall of Miami's storied NFL team.It is a tragedy what is going on with the Miami Dolphins. One of the most suc ... More >>

Steeler's Ryan Clark Says "No One" Wants to Play for the Miami Dolphins

While most of America was belligerently chanting about the luck of the Irish this weekend, one Ireland was having what might have been the worst weekend of his professional life: Dolphins general manager Jeff Ireland. He officially lost Peyton Manning, and then he missed out on Matt Flynn too.Now, S ... More >>

In Jason Taylor's Final Game, Dolphins End Jets' Season

​Jason Taylor played in the final game of his career yesterday. And what better way for him to go out than to bang the New York Jets' season right in its ear hole, and send them back home with nothing. The Jets, needing a win (and a little help) to get into the playoffs, came into SunLife Sta ... More >>

Dolphins Pummeled By Eagles, Still Need A Quarterback, Possibly a New Coach Too

​The Philadelphia Eagles helped head coach Andy Reid win the Mustachioed Overweight Coach Who Has Overstayed His Welcome Bowl when they blew away the Dolphins 26-10 yesterday. The Dolphins have ensured themselves their third straight losing season, falling to 4-9, and remain dead-last in the AFC E ... More >>

Dolphins Lose On Thanksgiving Day

Your Miami Dolphins played in yesterday's Thanksgiving Day game against the Dallas Cowboys and lost, ending their three-game winning streak and putting their playoff hopes on life support with someone standing by ready to smother it with a pillow. The Dolphins defense did what it could, intercepting ... More >>

Tony Sparano and Jeff Ireland Likely to Find Themselves Unemployed After the Season

​In news that shouldn't surprise anyone, The Miami Herald reports that Stephen Ross is mentally preparing to send a pink slip to both Dolphins head coach Tony Sparano and general manager Jeff Ireland. Interestingly however, Ross apparently has a bit of "Suck for Luck" fever, and is hoping to bring ... More >>

Reader mail: Perhaps this Tea Party has more kooks than usual

Channing Crowder Rips Chad Henne, Plans to Get Drunk at Dolphins Games

​Though he announced his retirement last week, former Miami Dolphin Channing Crowder says he is open to returning to the game next season after the birth of his first child. Don't expect the Fins to come calling. Bridges have been burned. He ripped both quarterback Chad Henne and general mana ... More >>

Miami Dolphins Will Suck Again This Year

​Uncle Luke, the man whose booty-shaking madness once made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech, gets as nasty as he wants to be for Miami New Times. This week, Luke assesses the sad state of Miami's NFL franchise.While AFC division rivals the New England Patriots and the New York Jets ... More >>

Dolphins Will "Definitely" Add Veteran QB, But Considering Terrelle Pryor

​Terrelle Pryor won't be playing in Sun Life Stadium when the Miami Hurricanes take on the Ohio State Buckeyes, but will he be in the stadium a lot more as a member of the Dolphins? The star QB will enter the supplemental draft instead of playing another season with the scandal-ridden Buckeyes, ad ... More >>

Dolphins to Keep Sparano as Coach: Well, This is an Awkward Mess

Tony Sparano​Tony Sparano will live to see another season as the Dolphins head coach as talks with Stanford coach Jim Harbaugh have apparently fallen through, according to ESPN. Which basically makes the Dolphins looks like the awkward laughing stock of the NFL. No one comes off looking good. Spar ... More >>

Dolphins Not Just Keeping Sparano, But Offering Him Contract Extension

Jeff Ireland: Finalist for NFL's Dick of the Year award? ​Well, according to ESPN, the Dolphins have not only decided to keep Tony Sparano on as head coach but now they're prepared to offer him a one year contract extension. Meaning not only will he be back in 2011, but 2012 as well. This is proba ... More >>

Bill Parcells: Dirty Dozen 2010

​Each year, New Times puts together a list of the sketchiest politicians and unholiest celebrities and weirdest human beings to call the Magic City home. So who made the filthy cut this year? We're releasing the names one by one ahead of next week's issue, which comes with a full-page illustra ... More >>

Jeff Ireland Assumes Control of Dolphins from Bill Parcells

​It's not quite "retirement" number four for the Big Tuna, but Bill Parcells took one step out the door of the Miami Dolphins' front office today. The team announced that the now-former VP of football will step down to a consultant position, while general manager Jeff Ireland will take total contr ... More >>

Save the Dolphins

On Mother's Day, Dolphins GM Jeff Ireland should go to the ghetto

On Mom's Day, the Dolphins GM Should Go to the Ghetto

Uncle Luke, the man whose booty-shaking madness once made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech, gets as nasty as he wants to be for Miami New Times. This week, Luke addresses the importance of Mother's Day and why Miami Dolphins general manager Jeff Ireland is a motherf***er.Mother's Day ... More >>

Did Dez Bryant Tell Jeff Ireland His Dad was a Pimp?

Sean Connery's comeback role in the Jeff Ireland biopic may be on hold.​Context is everything, and Sports Illustrated says they have the full conversation leading up to Jeff Ireland's now infamous question to Dez Bryant. But ESPN says it's not true! Yahoo! Sports reported last week that the D ... More >>

Dolphins GM Jeff Ireland Asked Dez Bryant If His Mom Was a Prostitute

Dolphins General Manager Jeff Ireland apparently has the biggest balls ever, or the littlest amount of tact and class possible. Because normal people would not ask prospective players if their moms were whores straight to their face.Ireland and the Fins brought in former Oklahoma State wide receive ... More >>

Marc Anthony Joins the Miami Dolphins

I kid you not. The multi-million-record-selling, Grammy-toting Nuyorican salsa singer announced in a press conference yesterday that he has bought a stake in Miami's beloved Fins. The deal places Anthony alongside fellow Latin music royalty, Gloria and Emilio Estefan, who gave new meaning to the ... More >>

Dolphins Axe Trent Green, Marty Booker and others

Tony Sparano Is The New Fins Head Coach

Breaking News - The Tuna Fires Cam Cameron