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Miami Dolphins 2012 Season Recap: The Highs, the Lows, the Ireland

Now that we're firmly entrenched in another playoff season without the Miami Dolphins and the pain of Stephen Ross's absurd season-ending press conference on Monday has faded, it's the perfect time for a cold, hard, slightly inebriated look back at the 2012 season.Ultimately, it was yet another disa ... More >>

Miami Hurricanes Once Again Have Most Alumni Selected to Pro Bowl

Another Pro Bowl, another year in which the Miami Hurricanes have more former players selected than the Miami Dolphins had current players selected.The 'Canes had six alumni selected to the star-studded game, which ties with Tennessee for the most from any college program.

Miami Dolphins Five Keys To Victory Versus Jaguars

Ah, the Battle for Florida.Former Dolphin Chad 'The Robot' Henne vs. Ryan 'Tanny Boyeee' Tannehill! Revenge for 62-7! Vindication for the loud, smelly fart that 2012 has proven to be! A chance to avoid a fourth losing season in five years! Tough-nosed, physical ... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Colts' Luck Sets Rookie Passing Record To Beat Dolphins 23-20

On Friday, we stressed that the Dolphins pass defense needed to show up on Sunday if the team had any hope of taking down the Colts. Clearly, Defensive Coordinator Kevin Coyle needs to start reading our posts along with his morning coffee because the Dolphins pass defense was absolute refried pig-pl ... More >>

Terry Bradshaw Says Reggie Bush Was Running Like He Was "Chasing That Bucket of Chicken"

Did you see Reggie Bush's amazing, zig-zaggy touch down run in the second quarter on Sunday against the Indianapolis Colts? Well, Fox analyst Terry Bradshaw did, and in a poor choice of words, described Bush as running like "he was chasing that bucket of chicken." Whoops.

Miami Dolphins' Five Keys to Victory Versus Colts

This Sunday the Dolphins travel to Indianapolis to play the Colts and Andrew Luck -- the girl many Dolphins fans wanted to take to the prom, but she was too unattainable so she laughed in our faces in front of the whole cafeteria as chocolate milk sprayed out of our nostrils in embarrassment.Let's l ... More >>

Special Teams, Defense Fuel Dolphins 30-9 Romp Over Jets

With the SUPER COLOSSAL ZOMG! CYCLO-SNOW-FRANKEN-PERFECT-MEGA-SUPER-BLABLAZO STORM OF THE MILLENIUM bearing down on the Northeast, the Dolphins crushed the hated Jets 30-9 and rode out of town just before the storm stranded them. Bad. Assssss.

Dolphins Beat Rams 17-14 Despite Rushing for Only 20 Yards

The Miami Dolphins are 3-3 today in spite of absolutely listless performances by both teams in a boring game, a second straight game of questionable (read: crappy) officiating and the Dolphins only rushing for a total of 20 yards all game. However, the continued influence of Ryan Tannehill's burgeon ... More >>

Miami Dolphins Trade CB Vontae Davis, Continue Ignoring Need for Talent

The Miami Dolphins have traded former first-round pick Vontae Davis to the Indianapolis Colts for a 2013 second-rounder as well as a conditional late-round pick. Obviously, this is a move that makes sense on several fronts given the Midas-like wealth of talent the Dolphins possess at virtually every ... More >>

Ten Forgotten Miami Professional Sports Teams

Today, for better or worse, the Miami market has teams in each of the big four major leagues. It wasn't always that way, though, and besides the Dolphins, Heat, Marlins, and Panthers, several other professional sports teams have called Miami home. In fact, the Magic City's colorful pro spo ... More >>

Miami Dolphins: The Worst Franchise in the NFL

​Luther Campbell, the man whose booty-shaking madness made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech, gets as nasty as he wants to be. In this special edition, Luke laments the epic fall of Miami's storied NFL team.It is a tragedy what is going on with the Miami Dolphins. One of the most suc ... More >>

Yep, Manning Only Talked to Dolphins as a Favor to Marino

​How pathetic are the Dolphins' front office? They couldn't even secure a meeting with Peyton Manning on their own and had to enlist the help of Dan Marino. Yep, despite not having played for the 'Fins for 13 years and not having any official affiliation with the team, Marino continues to be just ... More >>

Peyton Manning Arrives In Miami, Plays DolFans Like a Crappy Secondary

​Peyton Manning is one fickle football bastard. Just hours after leaving the Indianapolis Colts in a teary press conference, the quarterback arrived in Miami on a private jet yesterday evening. But just as Dolfans and local media thought they had their hands on the NFL veteran, Manning called ... More >>

Sorry Dolfans, Peyton Manning Is Not Your Next Dan Marino

​Luther Campbell, the man whose booty-shaking madness made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech, gets as nasty as he wants to be for Miami New Times. In this special edition, Luke says Peyton Manning will not win a Super Bowl with the Miami Dolphins.Now that the Indianapolis Colts have ... More >>

Will Stephen Ross Prevail in Landing Peyton Manning for Miami?

​Since taking control of the Miami Dolphins, team owner Stephen Ross has set his eye on a lot of things.He wanted a superstar coach with head coaching experience. He got an unproven offensive coordinator. He wants a Super Bowl. All he's got is a first-round playoff exit. He wants public cash for a ... More >>

Glenn Sharpe, Former UM Star and NFL Cornerback, Arrested on Murder Charges

ajc.com​Former NFL cornerback Glenn Sharpe -- a Miami native who starred for the University of Miami -- has been arrested in Georgia on charges that he murdered a man during an argument.According to the DeKalb Sheriff's Office, Sharpe has been charged with the February 2 murder of Christopher Gall ... More >>

Peyton Manning "Not Throwing Like an NFL Quarterback," Which, Let's Be Honest, is Good Enough for the Dolphins

​So apparently Dolphins owner Stephen Ross, along with a growing number of Dolphins fans, are "infatuated" with the idea of bringing Peyton Manning to Miami next season. Which is ridiculous when you consider that Manning hasn't even cut ties with the Colts yet, and there's no guarantee he'll fully ... More >>

Peyton Manning Likes the Idea of Retiring in Miami, Already Has a South Beach Condo

​It sure sounds like Peyton Manning is going to end up in Miami eventually one way or another. The only question is whether it will be in a Dolphins jersey or a pair of board shorts lounging at his condo at the Continuum in the South of Fifth area of Miami Beach.

The Super Bowl prostitution hoax

Indianapolis mobilizes for an epic battle with an urban legend.

Dolphins Pummeled By Eagles, Still Need A Quarterback, Possibly a New Coach Too

​The Philadelphia Eagles helped head coach Andy Reid win the Mustachioed Overweight Coach Who Has Overstayed His Welcome Bowl when they blew away the Dolphins 26-10 yesterday. The Dolphins have ensured themselves their third straight losing season, falling to 4-9, and remain dead-last in the AFC E ... More >>

Don Shula Says Packers Can Match '72 Dolphins' Perfect Season

​The members of the '72 Miami Dolphins haven't gotten a chance yet to pop champagne, as the Green Bay Packers have remained undefeated with little signs of slowing down. Could Perfectville soon have a population of two?These are dark days in Dolphinland, as they have been for much of the past deca ... More >>

Tony Sparano Crowned Second Least Popular Coach Among NFL Players

​Don't feel bad about not having much love for Dolphins coach Tony Sparano. NFL players don't like him much either.The Sporting News polled 111 current players on which coach they'd least like to play for, and Sparano came in second, just one vote behind NY Giants coach Tom Coughlin.

The Dolphins Nearly Pulled It Off This Time. Honestly!

The Flying Bag of Penis that is the Miami Dolphins nearly went and fucked things up by almost winning a game yesterday. But Suck For Luck is alive and well after the New York Giants woke up from their zombie-like state and handed Miami their seventh loss of the season in a 20-17 final.Understandably ... More >>

There's Now a "Suck for Luck" T-Shirt

​Sometimes we wonder how far this Suck for Luck business will go. Join us in our imagination: It's January 1, and the Jets are visiting Sun Life for the last game of the year. The Fins are 0-16. There's less than a minute left on the clock, and the Indianapolis Colts have just pulled off their fir ... More >>

Dolphins Blow 15-Point Lead, Win Suck For Luck Bowl

​With their defense flying around making plays and their offense opting for touchdowns instead of field goals, all signs pointed to the Miami Dolphins getting their first win of the season. FUCK YEA!But then Tim Tebow dialed up the Jesus, led the Denver Broncos in erasing a 15-point deficit, tied ... More >>

Miami Dolphins: The Suckiest Bunch of Sucks That Ever Sucked A Suck

​Watching the Miami Dolphins is like opening a gift and expecting something other than a box full of dicks. And that box full of dicks is now 0-5 after a 24-6 loss to their hated rival New York Jets on Monday Night Football.So the bad news is, the Dolphins remain winless and are in last place ... More >>

Howard Schnellenberger, Godfather of Hurricanes Football, to Retire

​While Howard Schnellenberger may be the coach at Florida Atlantic University, news of his impeding retirement will surely resonate down in Coral Gables. Before Schnellenberger arrived at the University of Miami in 1979, the school was better known for its palm trees and good weather than its smal ... More >>

Javarris James Arrested for Marijuana Possession in Fort Myers

​Well, at least he managed to keep out of trouble while he was with the 'Canes.Indianapolis Colts running back Javarris James was arrested last night by police in Fort Myers, Fl and charged with misdemeanor charges of marijuana possession. James, the cousin of former 'Canes and Colts legend Edgerr ... More >>

Lil Wayne Has Beef with LeBron James and Dwyane Wade

​It wasn't that long ago when you could spot Lil Wayne sitting front row at AAA rooting on Dwyane Wade and the Miami Heat (one instance of which was immortalized in cake format), but apparently Wayne is a Heat fan no more. No, he's not pissed about "The Decision" like everyone else, he's just irke ... More >>

Venus and Serena Williams suffer racism

Venus and Serena Williams Deserve The Best

​Uncle Luke, the man whose booty-shaking madness once made the Supreme Court stand up for free speech, gets as nasty as he wants to be for Miami New Times. This week, Luke says the Williams sisters don't get their due.Venus and Serena Williams represent black people and female athletes in a po ... More >>

One Down; Last Man Standing

Chicano Joe Kapp lead Vikings to the Super Bowl​Remember Joe Kapp? The famous Latino quarterback long before the NFL was courting Latino viewers? With the Jets and Mark Sanchez out of the picture, Latinos won't have much  to root for come Super Bowl Sunday.  Colts wide receiver Anthony G ... More >>

Hand Puppets and Sweaty Canadians: Photo Lowlights From Super Bowl Media Day

Photo by Tim Elfrink The world's sweatiest Canadian TV reporter gets funky with the Saints.To the unitiated, Super Bowl Media Day must sound like some outrageous backstage fantasy. Media and players partying together! Celebrities around every corner! Free buffet lunch! Well not to worry, ign ... More >>

The Nuts and Bolts of the Indianapolis Colts

​Dolphins fans owe two debts of gratitude to the Indianapolis Colts this year: (1) for dropping a regular-season game to ensure that the '72 Fins remain the only team in modern NFL history to complete a perfect season, and (2) for stopping the NY Jets, with classless coach Rex ... More >>

Guide to Recognizing Your New Orleans Saints

​"Who Dat Nation" has begun its descent on our fair city in advance of the Super Bowl, where the New Orleans Saints will take on the Indianapolis Colts. Fittingly, while the Colts will stay in Fort Lauderdale, the Saints will hang out at the InterContinental Hotel in downtown Miami, and last nigh ... More >>

Top 10 Super Bowl Appetizer Recipes: Bacon Edition

via icanhascheezburger.com​Super Bowl time is here again and that means parties, food, and beer, preferably at a friend's house where they have a big screen, someone else cooking, and endless beer. Most people are not that lucky though, so we're hooking you up with our top ten Super Bowl appetizer ... More >>

Dolphins' Yeremiah Bell Added to Pro Bowl

It was looking for a while like no Dolphins players would be playing in their home stadium during this year's Pro Bowl. Offensive Tackle Jake Long was named to the original line-up but pulled out due to injury Thanks to yesterday's Colts win, safety Antoine Bethea will forgo the Pro Bowl for&nb ... More >>

Super Bowl Pits Kim Kardashian Against Kendra Wilkinson

​You can't even host a Super Bowl in Miami anymore without it having some shallow reality teevee flair. Yes, two of the E! channel's favorite buxom bimbettes will almost assuredly be in the stands at Sun Life Stadium come February 7.That's because Saints star Reggie Bush has been notably tapping t ... More >>

Who Do We Want Coming To Miami: Colts vs. Jet; Vikings vs. Saints

​It's Conference Championship weekend, meaning the teams that get to pack their bags for Miami are decided on Sunday. For a depressing 16th year in a row our Miami Dolphins aren't in the running, and as Gus mentioned yesterday we could really care less about who wins. But we will have to ... More >>

Super Sunday Strangeness

Could a Dolphin-less Pro Bowl Mean Local Blackout? Maybe Seven Former Canes Could Help

​Since 1980, the Pro Bowl has been played in Hawaii, and because our 50th state doesn't have a team of its own, it's been a nice opportunity for locals to catch some NFL action, even if the players don't typically bring their best game. But this year's Pro Bowl will take place in Miami, with ... More >>

News Roundup: Jimbo's on Fire

A trailer near Jimbo's caught fire after Jimbo's son, Bubba, hooked up a water heater. [JustNews]The Epic Hotel's water has been deemed safe. [FoxNews]After warming up just a bit for Christmas, the temperature might drop to the 40s. [CBS4]SportsTime to pop champagne: The Indianapolis Colts pulled th ... More >>

Dolphins Playoff Hopes Still Marginally Alive, But at Least '72 Remains Unmatched

​Despite NBCMiami's sort of brilliant "Fin" headline this morning, the Dolphins playoffs hopes are still alive. Well, not really alive. Their playoff hopes are more zombie-like. It's as if the Dolphins are in a cheesy horror movie where the undead have taken over and bitten the Fins, and the team ... More >>

Hurricanes Dominated in the NFL in the '00s

No college football team hit such heights and then sunk to such lows this decade than the Miami Hurricanes. From the 2001 team that won a national championship -- and is considered by most sane sports commenters as the best college team of the past ten years if not of all time -- to the 20 ... More >>

Can You Hold on with Fins?

It Was Fun While It Lasted: Dolphins Have the Hardest NFL Schedule in 2009

All the naysayers (me included, often) think the Dolphins' roller coaster 2008 season ought to come with a few caveats: "Yeah, yeah, but Tom Brady was out the entire season... Sure, but the Jets had that old guy... Well, the wildcat won't be as effective next year... Whatever, you had an easy schedu ... More >>

Chicago (vs. Indy): The Musical!

Why da Bears will spank the Colts come Sunday

Letters from the Issue of August 18, 2005

Dolphins squeaking, nurses freaking, readers shrieking

Punt

Sure, Miami has an empty stadium. And sure, Bruce Frey has pigskin on the brain. But that's no excuse for the Canadian football league.