Herman Cain

Victoria Jackson, Herman Cain, Joe The Plumber, and Every Other Adorable Right-Wing Kook Team Up For July 4th "Defeat Obama" Telethon

This July Fourth, a collection of America's most race-baiting off-their-meds pizza-gropey prominent right-wingers will beam from Las Vegas the sure-to-be-epic "Defeat Barack Obama Telethon". Think "We Are The World", but without all the talk about saving Africa, and a whole lot of talk about how our ... More >>

Herman Cain and Michele Bachmann Choose Different Sides in Florida Republican Senate Primary

If you're the kind of Republican voter who finds yourself easily swayed by some of the more deafening but dimmer voices in your party, well then boy do we have a quagmire for you. Two of your favorite also-rans from the GOP presidential primary have chosen different sides in the Florida battle betwe ... More >>

Dear Ron Paul, You Can Stop Existing Now (In Politics)

​Note: We don't want Ron Paul to stop existing from this earthly plane, Paul-heads. We want him to stop existing in politics, in the Herman Cain way.Click here to read our favorite comments left on this blog. Ron Paul, the frantic and slightly unnerving uncle at Thanksgiving dinner who won't shut ... More >>

Five Fictional Republicans We'd Rather See Campaigning in Florida This Week

Our fellow Floridians, another round of primary elections is upon us and with it comes the usual sleazy political drama. Attack ads clog our airwaves; politicians deliver lofty promises they can't keep; and national news organizations have another chance to bring up the "hanging chad" incident.This ... More >>

Mitt Romney must be destroyed: 15 reasons to stop the Mormon cyborg

Victoria Jackson's excellent Tea Party adventure

Five Freaky Republican Presidential Candidates' Doppelgängers

​The nationwide comedy tour known as the Republican presidential race is in Florida this week. Over several months, rich candidates have perfected the game of politics in their quest for the Republican Party's nomination and the chance to go up against President Barack Obama in November. Pr ... More >>

Mitt Romney Is a Flip-Flopping Racist Cyborg (And 14 Other Reasons Florida Must Destroy Him)

Rick Perry has dropped out of the race and returned to Racial Slur Hideaway, Herman Cain is now making unwanted advances on his housecats, Rick Santorum's last name is a synonym for booty juice, and Newt Gingrich is an angry, sexed-up troll with facial hemorrhoids. Even with Newt's victory in Sout ... More >>

Mitt Romney Takes the Slightest of Leads in Latest Florida Poll

​The story of the 2012 presidential primary seems to be one of surging candidates quickly falling down to earth, with one, Mitt Romney, remaining consistently stable. It's beginning to look like Newt Gingrich might join Michelle Bachmann, Rick Perry, and Herman Cain as a discarded frontrunner. Aft ... More >>

Miami's top news stories of 2011

Dude, where's my city? Miami wakes up with a pounding headache.

Ron Paul, President of Straw Polls, Wins Miami Straw Poll

​If the American electorate was made up of straws, gold dealers, and that odd type of overly enthusiastic libertarian (who just happens to ignore the more socially progressive parts of being a true libertarian), Ron Paul would certainly be elected emperor for life. Of course, that's not how Americ ... More >>

Could Jeb Bush Still Enter the GOP Presidential Primary?

​The Confederacy of Dunces that emerged to vie for the GOP presidential primary certainly must have some could-have-been candidates rethinking their decision. After the swift, and often surreal, rises and eventual falls of Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry, and Herman Cain, the race is pretty much down ... More >>

Dolphins Take Down Raiders, Have Four Wins Now

​Amazingly and infuriatingly, the Miami Dolphins have come tromping out of the depths of a shitty season like a reanimated zombie and have suddenly started kicking opponents asses and eating their brains.The Dolphins defense stabbed the Raiders in the face with their ferociousness, while the offen ... More >>

Newt Gingrich Leads GOP Pack In Florida As Cain Stumbles On Affair Accusations

​Florida's Republican voters are making a firm stand for the conservative, pro-family values that have defined their party for decades by fleeing en masse from Herman Cain after multiple sexual harassment charges and new allegations that he carried on a 14-year affair.Yessir, there's no place in t ... More >>

Allen West Thinks Herman Cain is a Disaster, Might Want to Be Gingrich's Veep

​How far has Herman Cain fallen? Even controversial South Florida congressman Allen West is kicking him when he's down. About murmurs that Cain is "reassessing" his campaign and thinking about pulling out despite having been the front-runner not so long ago, West went on a Washington, D.C. radio s ... More >>

Herman Cain Has Never Heard of "Wet Foot, Dry Foot," Can't Pronounce "Versailles" UPDATED

​It didn't take long for Herman Cain to show just how completely he ignored Riptide's advice to study up on Cuban policy before parachuting into Versailles this afternoon. While being swarmed by citizens and journalists on Calle Ocho, Cain made it abundantly clear he had simply never heard of "wet ... More >>

Reader mail: M-Path is not a waste of taxpayer money

Herman Cain Heading To Versailles This Week To Pretend He Cares About Cuban Issues

A candidate making a pit stop for cafecitos at Versailles isn't exactly hot news, even for a guy improbably still leading the GOP after a month fending off more sexual harassment accusations than Gene Simmons' tongue. The Cuban landmark is such a de facto stopover for White House wannabes, the regul ... More >>

Hugo Chavez Says His Navy Chased Off a Mysterious Submarine Engaged in "Espionage"

Hugo Chavez suspects that The Empire is watching him...​Hugo Chavez is no stranger to conspiracy theories. Shortly after a January 12, 2010 earthquake destroyed much of Haiti, one of his spokesmen claimed the disaster was the result of the United States testing a secret weapon ultimately intended ... More >>

Herman Cain: Our next vice president

Herman Cain on Top in Florida In New Poll, But Only Romney Beats Obama

​Yesterday we half-wondered if a poll that showed Herman Cain once again leading the GOP pack in Florida was something of an outlier. Well, now a new Quinnipiac poll released this morning and conducted from October 31st to November 7th shows that despite new news of Cain's habit of settling se ... More >>

Herman Cain Back on Top in Florida Polls, Somehow

​So, you thought news of Herman Cain's alleged sexual harassment past and his campaign's subsequent bungling attempt to react to the news would doom the pizza man's chance of winning the GOP nomination? Yeah, well, not in Florida at least. A new Rasmussen poll taken just yesterday shows that Cain ... More >>

Herman Cain Is Whiter Than the Ku Klux Klan

​Luther Campbell, the man whose booty-shaking madness made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech, gets as nasty as he wants to be for Miami New Times. This week, Luke assesses the African-American frontrunner for the Republican presidential nomination. Herman Cain's emergence as the GOP ... More >>

Hillary Clinton is Pretty Much the Most Popular Politician in Florida

​Maybe it's because as secretary of state, she's not directly involved in DC's tense fight over economic policy. Maybe it's because people have a nostalgia for her husband's terms as president where our biggest national issue was a blowjob. Maybe Hillary Clinton is just a badass. Whatever the case ... More >>

Mitt Romney Firmly Back On Top of Cain in Latest Florida Poll

​Florida has apparently stopped gorging itself on pizza man Herman Cain, and ol' reliably boring Mitt Romney has taken a giant lead in the latest poll conducted by Time and CNN. Romney leads the pack with 30 percent, while Cain is now a distant second with 12 percent. Compare that to an American R ... More >>

Rick Scott on the Occupy Movement: "I'm Glad People Come Out and Tell Us What They Think"

Even though the Occupy Wall Street movement entering its second month, and similar protests popping up around the globe, most politicians are remaining mum. Those of the Republican variety, in most cases, have been pretty flippant. Take Herman Cain's "if you don't have a job and you're not rich, bla ... More >>

Herman Cain's Top Spokesman Once Accused Female Miami Herald Reporter of Sexual Harassment

​Colorful characters involved in the Republican primary are about as common as minor scandals over at The Miami Herald, so it only makes sense that somehow those two worlds would collide.Remember back in 2009 when a Navy spokesman at Guantanamo Bay accused veteran Herald reporter Carol Rosenberg o ... More >>

Herman Cain is Now Leading in Florida

​Suggesting that yesterday's national poll may not have been some sort of insane statistical outlier, a new poll from American Research Group of likely Florida primary voters shows that Herman Cain is now on top of the heap in the Florida. He leads Mitt Romney by six points. Meanwhile, the rise an ... More >>

Republican Univision Debate: Fear, Not Rubio, the Driving Factor

Five Republican candidates -- iincluding Mitt Romney, Jon Huntsman and Rick Perry -- have pulled out of a Univision debate in January. Why? Allegedly it is because of a comment the head of the blockbuster Spanish language channel's made to Florida Sen Marco Rubio's people attempting to blackmail him ... More >>

Florida Poll: Perry Saw 15 Percent Drop After Straw Poll, Obama Still Leads Romney

Yes, there's a million different polls coming from all different directions, but the latest from War Room Logistics, a Republican aligned firm bases in Gainseville, is worth a look. Unlike most polls this early in the race, the survey polled likely Florida voters and not just registered voters. ... More >>

Overanxious Florida Republicans May Ensure Obama Win

​A Florida commission appointed by Republicans will likely vote today to move up the state's Republican primary election to January 31.Though party muckety-mucks are still working on a compromise that could delay the election until February 21, the decision will probably create chaos.Given last we ... More >>

Jon Huntsman Ditches Crazy Mistress Florida, Returns to Classy Ol' New Hampshire

Ditching that crazy b*tch Florida.​Sunshine or granite? Sex on the beach or maple syrup on hotcakes? "Welcome to Miami" or "Live Free or Die"?It's been fun Florida, but you're just too damn crazy for Jon Huntsman.After a three-month flirtation, the Republican presidential hopeful is ditching the n ... More >>

After Straw Poll: Romney Retakes First Place, Cain Surges, Perry Falters in Florida

​The first poll of Florida voters taken after Herman Cain's surprise win in the Florida Presidency 5 straw poll is out, and combined with his crazy straw loss and fumbling performances in two debates Texas Gov. Rick Perry's campaign seems to have hit a snag in the state. He's fallen to a distant t ... More >>

Herman Cain Comes One Step Closer to Becoming America's First Black Vice President With Florida Straw Poll Win

​A bunch of the state's Republican activists gathered this weekend at the Presidency 5 conference and held one of those crazy, meaningless straw polls of which they're so fond. Of course, with a wide-open and ever-changing Republican field, the contest did take on extra meaning. Texas Gov. Rick Pe ... More >>

Poll: Perry Leads Romney in Florida, but Only Romney Beats Obama

​Texas Gov. Rick Perry's quick shot to the front of the GOP-primary pack certainly has a lot of conservatives pleased. But liberals have a reason to be happy too. The general thinking right now is that Perry appeals less to general-election voters than his main rival, Mitt Romney, and thus would d ... More >>

Republican Presidential Candidates As Foods

J. Kenji Lopez-AltLadies and Gentlemen, meet Governor Rick Perry!​Barbara Walters once infamously asked Katherine Hepburn: "If you were a tree, what kind would it be?" It is in that spirit that we attempt to figure out: If each Republican Presidential candidate were a food, what kind would he or s ... More >>

Poll: Romney and McCallister Lead Florida GOP Primaries; Debt Deal Hurts Obama

​We're still in that uncertain season of the 2012 election cycle where every poll will show some different and somewhat surprising result. Quinnipiac is the latest to crunch the numbers and shows that Mitt Romney is the favorite to get the presidential nod from Republican voters in Florida. Meanwh ... More >>

Poll: Obama Leading All Republican Candidates in Florida, But Only Over 50 Against Palin

There's not many scenarios under which President Obama can win reelection in 2012 without winning Florida (especially considering we'll have two more electoral votes this time around). New numbers from Public Policy Polling show that while Obama is leading all Republican candidates right n ... More >>

2012 Poll: Mitt Romney Leads Republicans in Florida, Bachmann and Palin Tie for Second

​Mitt Romney is the man to beat in Florida as the 2012 Republican primary horse race heats up. Romney holds a ten-point advantage over second place finishers Michele Bachmann and Sarah Palin. Romney also benefits from incredibly low support for similar candidates like John Hunstman and Tim Paw ... More >>

Poll: Florida Republicans Still Have No Idea Who They Want to Run for Senate

​At this point the 2012 horse race the republican primary for the Florida senate seat sort of mirrors the party's primary for the presidential nomination: a bunch of not-terribly-exciting politicians that no one seems to be all that excited about. The latest poll by Sunshine State Communications, ... More >>

Fat Boy Republican Presidential Contenders: Ranking 'em According To Girth

Let's face it: With Americans getting portlier by leaps and bounds, we need a President who reflects our food-obsessed values. That's right: It is time again for a fat person to inhabit the White House.It's been almost a century since our last obese leader, William Howard Taft, got stuck in the Whit ... More >>