Hanley Ramirez

Meet the 2013 Miami Marlins! A Position-By-Position Analysis of Baseball's Worst Lineup

Step right up, meet your 2013 Miami Marlins, same as the 2012 Miami Marlins -- only completely different! If you're anything like me, you're angry, you're hurt, and you may or may not say to yourself during a jog, "Hey, that's a good place to hide a body named Jeffrey Loria!" But hear me out, we got ... More >>

Mayan Calendar Predictions vs. Miami Reality

Marlins Actually Sign Someone: Placido Polanco

After selling off just about every player with anything resembling major league talent, the Miami Marlins have actually signed someone. Yes, they're bringing in two-time All-Star third baseman Placido Polanco, but the deal is only for a single season.

Miami Marlins Keep Lying About Stadium

Ozzie Guillen Might Get Fired Over Terrible Marlins Season

The Miami Marlins first season in their taxpayer-funded Little Havana palacio has been nothing short of a catastrophe; the team was out of contention by August and so boring and terrible that the Franchise -- the Showtime series chronicling the club's season -- ended early after star Hanley Ramirez ... More >>

The Franchise Episode 2 Recap: LoMo Meets His Hero & Lo Viste

It's fitting that the same day big trade rumors involving Heath Bell and Hanley Ramirez surface, episode two of The Franchise is pretty much framed around a trade deadline discussion roundtable with Jeffery Loria, Larry Beinfest and their DERP lackeys (or maybe the Marlins PLANTED those rumors as a ... More >>

The Franchise Episode 1 Recap: Peaks, Valleys & F-Bombs

The first episode of The Franchise: Miami Marlins featured a shitload of F-bombs and was narrated by Don Draper, officially making The Franchise the greatest thing on TV ever.The first episode covered Ozzie Guillen's Fidel Castro comments, the team's blowing shit up in May, and their shit-the-b ... More >>

Luke's Gospel: Miami Heat Is Way Ahead of Dolphins, Marlins

Jeffrey Loria and Stephen Ross Can Learn a Lot From Micky Arison

Uncle Luke, the man whose booty-shaking madness made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech, gets as nasty as he wants to be for Miami New Times. This week, Luke says the Heat is the number one franchise in Miami.Jeffrey Loria and Stephen Ross need to set up a powwow with Micky Arison and P ... More >>

Jose Gets His Groove Back

Cuban Baseball Agents: Risks and Lies

Marlins' Reality Show Trailer Shows Ozzie Guillen Being Suspended By David Samson

The second season of The Franchise, Showtime's baseball "docudrama" (a fancy word for reality series) isn't supposed to debut for months. Of course, this season the show is following the exploits of the Miami Marlins, and the season has already had its fair share of drama. So, Showtime is rushing a ... More >>

How Awkward Was Muhammad Ali's First Pitch Last Night?

On the opening night of the Marlins new ballpark, a lot of things went right: Parking wasn't a catastrophe. The weather was South Florida perfection. On national TV, the new ballpark looked damned gorgeous -- lime green facades, swimming polls and all. And in the best news of the night, no Marlins w ... More >>

Miami Marlins Theme Song: Five Other Fan Odes to the Fish

Yesterday, Riptide found what seemed to be a theme song for the newly christened Miami Marlins. Sadly, we've since learned the song is unofficial, a passionate fan ode to the reborn franchise -- which makes the music much more endearing, and also more confusing. Who the hell takes the time to write ... More >>

Miami Marlins May Get Their Own Reality TV Show on Showtime

​Given the amount of, shall we say, "strong personalities" that have so far been signed by the Miami Marlins for next season, we almost have to wonder if Jeffrey Loria has been assembling the cast of a guilty pleasure reality TV show or a playoff-caliber team. Turns out he might have been doing bo ... More >>

Jose Reyes to the Marlins: The Conflicting Emotions of A Miami-Residing Mets Fan

​I was in the stands at Shea Stadium in 2006 when Endy Chavez, God bless his tiny heart, made this heroic catch in the NLCS' Game 7 to seemingly seal the Mets' glorious destiny. That was the last time I've ever experienced joy. Three innings later, Carlos Beltran was frozen by an Adam Wainwright ... More >>

Jose Reyes Could Become the Highest Paid Marlin in History, but It Might Not Be Enough

​According to a report from Fox Sports, the Marlins have extended a six-year contract to Jose Reyes worth $90 million. That would make him far and away the highest paid player in the franchise's history, and if true is an indication that owner Jeffrey Loria really is willing to put his money where ... More >>

Is This the Miami Marlins Uniform Jose Reyes and Albert Pujols Will Wear Next Year? UPDATED

via a tipster​The Marlins will officially unveil their new logo and uniforms tonight at 9. (That they didn't hold the event at 11:11 this morning seems like a loss, but oh well.) The logo and alleged mockups of the uniforms have already leaked, but Uni-Watch apparently has the first actual picture ... More >>

Marlins Manager Jack McKeon, in 400 Years of Baseball Cards

"Stadiums have LIGHTS now?!"​Trader Jack is back. They've taken him out of the mothballs and planted him back in the Marlins dugout, and he made a great stride forward by taking Hanley Ramirez out of the starting lineup as soon as he marched into town.Who is this guy? Where did he come from? Let u ... More >>

Marlins Stadium Construction 70 Percent Complete; Marlins' Season Destruction Also About 70 Percent Complete

​Say what you will about the Marlins new Little Havana stadium, but at least the actual construction of the boondoggle has gone on without even a single hitch. We can not say the same for the Marlins actually season, however. The pure destruction that has resulted after a promising start is now, b ... More >>

Fidel Castro Memorabilia Selling Like Hotcakes, Including This Badass Golden Gun

via Cafe Fuerte​News flash, Miami: Fidel Castro ain't dead yet. But a pre-death run on Fidel memorabilia and signatures is driving prices through the roof. Apparently, autograph hounds are tailing Fidel these days like that creepy sweatpants guy following Hanley Ramirez at spring training with a t ... More >>

No Stopping Stanton

No Stopping Stanton

No Stopping Stanton

Mike Stanton Is Your NL Player of the Week

​Marlins rookie outfielder Mike Stanton was named NL Player of the Week. He was given the honor after bludgeoning the Nationals and Reds collective pitching staffs last week using only his bat and his boyish good looks. Stanton collected a total of eight hits and six RBI in a three-game series aga ... More >>

Marlins Take Two of Three From Braves With a Pair of Walk-Offs

​Your Florida Marlins are coming off a weekend series with the NL East leading Atlanta Braves. And if you're a fan of perpetual bullpen meltdowns and shaving cream pies in the face, you're in luck! Here's how it all went down: Game 1, Marlins 7 - Braves 6: We can talk about the bullpen blowing ye ... More >>

Dwyane Wade Says He's "in a New York State of Mind"; Shut Up, Dwyane Wade

​Dwyane Wade went into his meeting with the New York Knicks today and told reporters he's in a "New York state of mind." Shut up, Dwyane Wade. Don't you even play with our hearts like that. For months, you've been telling us you're probably staying in Miami. You know what happened to the ... More >>

Florida Marlins Tank in Series With Texas Rangers

Denis Brancroft​Your Florida Marlins just finished their interleague series with the Texas Rangers last night. Good thing the World Cup and NBA Finals were on all week, because -- holy crap -- was it ugly. Here's how it all went down:Game 1 -- Rangers 3, Marlins 2: Matt Treanor's revenge! Former M ... More >>

Florida Marlins Lose Three-Game Series to the Atlanta Braves

Denis Bancroft​Last night, your Florida Marlins finished a three-game series with the Atlanta Braves and their tomahawk-choppin' entourage (still doing that, Braves fans? Awesome.) Here's how it all went down:Game 1, Marlins 6 - Braves 4: Tuesday night, the Braves trotted out starter Kenshin Kawak ... More >>

Miami Prepares to Worship Brandon Marshall for the Next Five Years

​It's official, the Dolphins signed talented but sometimes controversial Brandon Marshall to a $50 million, five season contract making him the highest paid receiver in NFL history. We were hoping the Fins would have some big trick under their sleeves this off season, and this apparently ... More >>

Baseball Wants to Replace Blacks with Dominicans

Alex Izaguirre​Uncle Luke, the man whose booty-shaking madness once made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech, gets as nasty as he wants to be for Miami New Times. This week, Luke claims Major League Baseball has a plan to phase out African American players and replace them with black H ... More >>

Fishing for Homers in a Hurricane

Andre Dawson Pissed He Isn't Wearing a Cubs Hat on Hall Plaque, We're Pissed He's Not Pissed It's Not a Marlins Cap

Come on, we could totally see this image in bronze!​So recently inducted Hall of Famer and Miami product Andre Dawson is complaining that the Hall of Fame has him wearing the cap of the now-defunct Montreal Expos in his plaque, when he made it clear he wanted to be honored for all baseball-t ... More >>

Watch the Injury of the Year: Panthers Goalie Bashed in the Face by His Enraged Teammate

The Panthers aren't exactly having the finest season on ice. They choked away their third game in a row last night, dropping to 10-12-4, good for the third-worst record in the Eastern Conference.But it wasn't the 4-3, last-second loss to the Thrashers last night that stung like a Paula Deen ham to t ... More >>

Art Capsules

NeckFace's "Devil's Disciple" at O.H.W.O.W. turns heads and stomachs

The Florida Marlins Manatees shake two tons of booty

Midseason Marlins: Uggh-la, Trade for Branyan, and Here Come the Phillies

Hanley is one of the best players in the league, but even Batman needs Robin.Dan Uggla has yet to recover from last year's disastrous All-Star game. He committed three errors and struck out three times in that Midsummer Classic. Since that game, he is hitting .227 with 25 homers while st ... More >>

The Yankees Are in Town! And They Bring Their Prices With Them

Some of the largest crowds of the season are expected at Land Shark Stadium when the Marlins take on the Yankees this weekend and the Marlins' brass hopes to earn some serious coin. Fans interested in catching a glimpse of a 2003 World Series rematch will be subjected to big ticket price hikes. Acc ... More >>

Will the Marlins ever win again?

Wikimedia CommonsOur win beard is becoming unruly. We were on the top of the world, and getting everybody's attention. Regis Philbin inserted the Marlins into his daily Senile Round-up. Philadelphia sportswriters were warning fans that the Phillies had more than the Mets to worry about. "They're not ... More >>

Shear Happiness

It's spring, and that means the Marlins are back.

Manny Ramirez a Marlin? -- UPDATED

Super Rivalry

Another Super Saturday, another shot at taking the NL East lead.

Scott Olsen Won Last Night, Dogs and Cats Will Now Commence Living Together

Rival Fish

Foes who don’t really hate each other square off.

Dan Uggla Is The God of Thunder

Hot Fish

Hey, the Marlins are in first place! That’s right!

Mash Unit

The Florida Marlins are finding their way in a post-Cabrera world.