Florida Marlins

The Creature from the Tacky Lagoon

Poll: Fidel Castro's Florida Approval Rating Is 4 Percent, Ozzie Guillen's Is 7 Percent

Are you ready for your morning dose of statistical overload? Good, because Public Policy Polling just unleashed a wide-ranging poll of Floridians that somehow asks about Fidel Castro, Major League Baseball, and the Trayvon Martin case. Some interesting highlights: Ozzie Guillen is only slightly more ... More >>

A Quest for Theater and Art at Marlins Park

Are you ready for your morning dose of statistical overload? Good, because Public Policy Polling just unleashed a wide-ranging poll of Floridians that somehow asks about Fidel Castro, Major League Baseball, and the Trayvon Martin case. Some interesting highlights: Ozzie Guillen is only slightly more ... More >>

SNL Takes on Trayvon Martin and Ozzie Guillen

Saturday Night Live dove full-on into the Trayvon Martin case this weekend. Of course, there's not a whole lot humor to be found in the specifics of the case, so instead the show lampooned CNN's Piers Morgan, Miami Marlins manager Ozzie Guillen (played by host Josh Brolin), and Florida in general (" ... More >>

Marlins Park Scores Big With Unusual, Gourmet Twists on Ballpark Cuisine

Saturday Night Live dove full-on into the Trayvon Martin case this weekend. Of course, there's not a whole lot humor to be found in the specifics of the case, so instead the show lampooned CNN's Piers Morgan, Miami Marlins manager Ozzie Guillen (played by host Josh Brolin), and Florida in general (" ... More >>

Take Me Out

Saturday Night Live dove full-on into the Trayvon Martin case this weekend. Of course, there's not a whole lot humor to be found in the specifics of the case, so instead the show lampooned CNN's Piers Morgan, Miami Marlins manager Ozzie Guillen (played by host Josh Brolin), and Florida in general (" ... More >>

Marlins Park: Key Lime Chicken Tacos and Fresh Yogurt

Driving down SW 17th Avenue Wednesday, you couldn't help but notice crowds gathering to christen the Miami Marlins' new stadium. Lingering about their driveways with signs that read "15 dolares" were the first local citizens to benefit from the taxpayer investment."We're expecting this stadium t ... More >>

Logan Morrison is the Marlins' tweeter in chief

Driving down SW 17th Avenue Wednesday, you couldn't help but notice crowds gathering to christen the Miami Marlins' new stadium. Lingering about their driveways with signs that read "15 dolares" were the first local citizens to benefit from the taxpayer investment."We're expecting this stadium t ... More >>

Marlins Madhouse

Driving down SW 17th Avenue Wednesday, you couldn't help but notice crowds gathering to christen the Miami Marlins' new stadium. Lingering about their driveways with signs that read "15 dolares" were the first local citizens to benefit from the taxpayer investment."We're expecting this stadium t ... More >>

New Marlins Stadium Food and Lunacy: Body Painting With Sazon

​Somewhere between the new tax-payer-funded stadium, Romero Britto drama, and the ridiculous sculpture with somersaulting marlins, we mustered up the curiosity to see what the Marlins Park kitchens will be whipping out.So throw on those rose-colored glasses, folks. The Miami Marlins, who open thei ... More >>

Marlins Ruin Baseball, Announce Friday Night Live Concerts Starring Daddy Yankee, LL Cool J and Others

​Like water draining from a home plate backstop aquarium, the little respect we have left for the Florida Miami Marlins continues to dwindle. Enraging fans has seemingly become a common practice among the organization's front office--robbing Miami-Dade County taxpayers, a "horrifying" home run s ... More >>

Miami Marlins hate taxpayers

​Like water draining from a home plate backstop aquarium, the little respect we have left for the Florida Miami Marlins continues to dwindle. Enraging fans has seemingly become a common practice among the organization's front office--robbing Miami-Dade County taxpayers, a "horrifying" home run s ... More >>

With Politicians' Help, Marlins Are Screwing Stadium Neighbors

​Luther Campbell, the man whose booty-shaking madness made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech, gets as nasty as he wants to be for Miami New Times. This week, Luke rips commissioners for the looming parking and traffic problems at the Miami Marlins ballpark.With the Marlins 16 days aw ... More >>

Miami Marlins Theme Song: Five Other Fan Odes to the Fish

Yesterday, Riptide found what seemed to be a theme song for the newly christened Miami Marlins. Sadly, we've since learned the song is unofficial, a passionate fan ode to the reborn franchise -- which makes the music much more endearing, and also more confusing. Who the hell takes the time to write ... More >>

Florida Business Sues Marlins, Says It Bought Team For $10 Million at Charity Banquet

​Somewhere in Florida there is a business named Omeranz & Landsma whose owner, whoever he or she may be, has just the worst sense of humor in all the Sunshine State. Even worse than Connie Mack's campaign manager!Omeranz's owner attended a charity auction hosted by Marlins president David Sams ... More >>

Miami Marlins May Get Their Own Reality TV Show on Showtime

​Given the amount of, shall we say, "strong personalities" that have so far been signed by the Miami Marlins for next season, we almost have to wonder if Jeffrey Loria has been assembling the cast of a guilty pleasure reality TV show or a playoff-caliber team. Turns out he might have been doing bo ... More >>

Reader mail: "MAM board members should be indicted for stupidity"

​Given the amount of, shall we say, "strong personalities" that have so far been signed by the Miami Marlins for next season, we almost have to wonder if Jeffrey Loria has been assembling the cast of a guilty pleasure reality TV show or a playoff-caliber team. Turns out he might have been doing bo ... More >>

Miami's top news stories of 2011

Dude, where's my city? Miami wakes up with a pounding headache.

Florida County May Use Tax Dollars to Attract Nude European Tourists

​Miami-Dade County may soon get some stiff competition in attracting naked tourists. Pasco County, located just north of Tampa Bay, is considering using tax dollars to actively promote its numerous nudist resorts to rich European travelers looking to expose every last inch of their skin to the war ... More >>

Miami Marlins fire Manatees plus-size male dance troupe

​Miami-Dade County may soon get some stiff competition in attracting naked tourists. Pasco County, located just north of Tampa Bay, is considering using tax dollars to actively promote its numerous nudist resorts to rich European travelers looking to expose every last inch of their skin to the war ... More >>

Luther Campbell loves the Miami Marlins, federal investigation be damned

​Miami-Dade County may soon get some stiff competition in attracting naked tourists. Pasco County, located just north of Tampa Bay, is considering using tax dollars to actively promote its numerous nudist resorts to rich European travelers looking to expose every last inch of their skin to the war ... More >>

Save The Manatees: The Miami Marlins Fire Their Fat Guy Dancing Troupe

​We can understand stiffing taxpayers with a $2.6 billion invoice for a shiny new stadium. We can't even really blame the Miami Marlins for refusing to chip in for millions in parking taxes while dropping nine figures on high-priced free agents. Hey, if our county officials are so inept that y ... More >>

Marlins Stadium Deal Now the Target of Federal SEC Probe

​Maybe federal investigators finally got around to reading our piece about the six biggest lies behind the monumentally awful Miami Marlins stadium deal? Whatever the motivation, the Securities and Exchange Commission has subpoened the City of Miami and Miami-Dade County for financial information ... More >>

Billy the Marlin Reemerges as Rainbow-Colored Mutant Fish

​A few weeks ago, we told you that Miami Marlins mascot Billy the Marlin would return with a new color scheme, and lamented, "Hopefully we don't have to worry about an 8-foot tall orange sports fish walking around the stadium."Well, the new Billy is finally here, and its not quite as bad, and yet ... More >>

Miami On the Hook For Millions In New Taxes On Marlins Parking Garages

​When we recently counted down the six most absurd lies about the new Marlins Stadium, fib number one was that politicians were working for taxpayers. Even a casual glance over the deal made it clear: This $550 million stadium was a cripplingly expensive gift from struggling taxpayers to the milli ... More >>

Is This the Miami Marlins Uniform Jose Reyes and Albert Pujols Will Wear Next Year? UPDATED

via a tipster​The Marlins will officially unveil their new logo and uniforms tonight at 9. (That they didn't hold the event at 11:11 this morning seems like a loss, but oh well.) The logo and alleged mockups of the uniforms have already leaked, but Uni-Watch apparently has the first actual picture ... More >>

Miami Marlins Real New Uniforms Leaked To Riptide

​Does Jeffrey Loria lie awake at night, in his Britto-decorated pajamas, trying to think of new ways to be disgusting? Tomorrow night--11/11/11!-- the owner of the mediocre baseball collective soon-to-be-formerly known as the Florida Marlins will throw his crowning gala at the new stadium. To com ... More >>

Insanely Ugly Animatronic Home-Run Sculpture Unveiled for Marlins Stadium

​You thought the Marlins' rumored new logo could cause eye cancer? Well, if you value your sense of sight, you might not want to take a peek at the absolutely insane robotic structure the Marlins plan to install in their new stadium. It's like someone vomited a bunch of cliché South Florida ... More >>

The Condome: New Marlins stadium gets a rubber coating

​You thought the Marlins' rumored new logo could cause eye cancer? Well, if you value your sense of sight, you might not want to take a peek at the absolutely insane robotic structure the Marlins plan to install in their new stadium. It's like someone vomited a bunch of cliché South Florida ... More >>

The Miami Marlins must suck up to a boat salesman for a website

​You thought the Marlins' rumored new logo could cause eye cancer? Well, if you value your sense of sight, you might not want to take a peek at the absolutely insane robotic structure the Marlins plan to install in their new stadium. It's like someone vomited a bunch of cliché South Florida ... More >>

Ten Fun Facts About Ozzie Guillén, The Marlins' Likely New Manager

​Well, it appears the timing of Jack McKeon's retirement announcement wasn't so random. An official announcement that  the Florida Miami Marlins have hired Chicago Whitesox Manager Ozzie Guillén as their new skipper seems imminent. The Sox have released Guillén from his contract, and h ... More >>

Marlins Season Goes from Crap to Crappy to Unbe-f***ing-lievable

​The Florida Marlins' sad, sad season has gone from merely pathetic to positively ridiculous. Yesterday, the interwebs were atwitter with speculation over why the team suddenly sent closer Leo Nuñez to his native Dominican Republic only hours after helping the Fish defeat the Atlanta Braves.Well, ... More >>

Marlins Float Hideous Monstrosity of a New Logo to Go With Eyesore of a New Stadium

​How best to celebrate the opening of a taxpayer-manhandling new ballpark that looks like the grotesque lovechild of the '70s spaceship from Close Encounters of the Third Kind and a cheap toaster oven? How about a new logo that's the hideous mutant spawn of the Mets' emblem and that time your kind ... More >>

Logan Morrison Files Grievance Against Marlins, Can We Get In On That?

​Fan favorite and self-described "twittaholic" Logan Morrison has filed an official grievance with the Florida Marlins over his demotion to AAA last month, reports ESPN.The Fish, meanwhile, have lost four in a row due to a comedy of errors. They are 31 games back in the division with only 12 to pl ... More >>

Off of Playoffs

​Fan favorite and self-described "twittaholic" Logan Morrison has filed an official grievance with the Florida Marlins over his demotion to AAA last month, reports ESPN.The Fish, meanwhile, have lost four in a row due to a comedy of errors. They are 31 games back in the division with only 12 to pl ... More >>

Race for the Basement

​Fan favorite and self-described "twittaholic" Logan Morrison has filed an official grievance with the Florida Marlins over his demotion to AAA last month, reports ESPN.The Fish, meanwhile, have lost four in a row due to a comedy of errors. They are 31 games back in the division with only 12 to pl ... More >>

Watch Logan Morrison Freak Out on Television About a Bug

Dude, they like, have talons or whatever.The fearless left fielder for our Florida Marlins has revealed his kryptonite: It's green, armored, and scares him more than a fastball low and inside. It's a bug.There really aren't many words necessary here; the video makes the joke just fine. Mantis on rai ... More >>

Twitter Is Confused About Miami Marlins Name Change

A fan-made "Miami" logo. (Yes, the Marlins have some fans.)​The condition that the Florida Marlins change their name to the Miami Marlins as part of the deal for their new stadium has been well known locally for years. But the baseball-loving world at large (which we assume does not care much abou ... More >>

Marlins Close Upper Deck For Remainder of Season

No word yet whether the new stadium will have a late-construction redesign that includes a field but no seats.​Well, you've finally done it Florida. You've beaten the Marlins into submission. The team with the worst attendance in the major leagues has given up: They have closed the upper deck of i ... More >>

Marlins Get Last $42 Million From Miami-Dade County

Based on what happened at yesterday's Miami-Dade County Commission meeting, there is no way the taxpayers are getting their money back. Let's face it folks, the county is not going to sue or cut off the Marlins at this point, which is why county commissioners approved issuing $42 million in bonds to ... More >>

Florida Marlins Not First Baseball Players To Be Spooked By Ghosts At St. Petersburg's Vinoy Hotel

"That voice just now-- what was it?"​We like the idea that, in his final hours as the Florida Marlins manager, Edwin Rodriguez spent his time comforting relief pitchers who were terrified of ghosts. It'd be fitting for one of the youngest teams in baseball.

Philadelphia Freedom

"That voice just now-- what was it?"​We like the idea that, in his final hours as the Florida Marlins manager, Edwin Rodriguez spent his time comforting relief pitchers who were terrified of ghosts. It'd be fitting for one of the youngest teams in baseball.

Marlins Win! Marlins Win! Holy Sh*t, Marlins Win!

​It was an unlikely win, but a win all the same. The Marlins stopped their 11-game losing streak last night with a 5-2 win over the Angels.Javier Vazquez pitched a scoreless 5 1/3 innings, which is pretty awesome considering he entered last night's game with the worst ERA in the majors. Mike Stant ... More >>

Shocked By Fact They Don't Suck This Year, Florida Marlins May Make Trades To Suck Even Less

​The dozen or so people who can make a serious claim to being true Florida Marlins fans are stoked that his may be the year for the Florida Marlins! The year the team finally loses a playoff series! The Fish currently have a .574 record. That's the fourth best in the entire MLB, and the team looks ... More >>

Brave Passage

​The dozen or so people who can make a serious claim to being true Florida Marlins fans are stoked that his may be the year for the Florida Marlins! The year the team finally loses a playoff series! The Fish currently have a .574 record. That's the fourth best in the entire MLB, and the team looks ... More >>

Letters from the issue of May 12, 2011

​The dozen or so people who can make a serious claim to being true Florida Marlins fans are stoked that his may be the year for the Florida Marlins! The year the team finally loses a playoff series! The Fish currently have a .574 record. That's the fourth best in the entire MLB, and the team looks ... More >>

Rays of Hope

​The dozen or so people who can make a serious claim to being true Florida Marlins fans are stoked that his may be the year for the Florida Marlins! The year the team finally loses a playoff series! The Fish currently have a .574 record. That's the fourth best in the entire MLB, and the team looks ... More >>

305 Photo of the Day: Sun Life Stadium Camouflage

​Empty seats have become a staple of Florida Marlins games, so what better way to show some snarky pride than to blend in with your barren surroundings? The shirts are available here, and the photo is from Matthewspill's Twitter. If you'd like to see your photo here join our Flickr group.Follow Mi ... More >>

Six lies about the Marlins stadium

​Empty seats have become a staple of Florida Marlins games, so what better way to show some snarky pride than to blend in with your barren surroundings? The shirts are available here, and the photo is from Matthewspill's Twitter. If you'd like to see your photo here join our Flickr group.Follow Mi ... More >>

Unlovable Losers

​Empty seats have become a staple of Florida Marlins games, so what better way to show some snarky pride than to blend in with your barren surroundings? The shirts are available here, and the photo is from Matthewspill's Twitter. If you'd like to see your photo here join our Flickr group.Follow Mi ... More >>