If the Heat wins tonight, it will be a citywide fist punch to the fart box of all the haters around the world. Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook can go back to wearing their lensless glasses in the obscurity of Oklahoma City. And Charles Barkley can quietly choke on his stupid diet meals.Miami can' ... More >>
The political world has come down with a crippling case of Rubio-mania. A junior member of the glee club United States Senate, Marco Rubio is Latino, has Tea Partiers in his pocket, and represents Florida, the most important state in the 2012 presidential election. Name him as Mitt Romney's veep, th ... More >>
Campbell, the man whose booty-shaking madness made the U.S. Supreme
Court stand up for free speech, gets as nasty as he wants to be for
Miami New Times.
This week, Luke counsels New York Knicks guard Jeremy Lin.
The New York Knicks and Jeremy Lin are
coming to town this Thursday, February ... More >>
The Miami Heat's "Big Three" just got even bigger. A Miami Beach entrepreneur has taken it upon himself to build 18-foot foam sculptures out of LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, and Chris Bosh -- complete with tattoos and "I'm-about-to-dunk-in-your-face" expressions. A monstrous LeBron is already comple ... More >>
What an embarassment of riches the last year has been, huh? Yep, we're living the American dream down here in Miami. [Ducks stray bullet, which hits unemployed guy standing in line outside temp agency. He dies and foreclosure papers fall out of his pocket and flutter into the wind.] Those pilgrim ... More >>
Every Friday, Riptide brings you the most eye-catching mugshots taken the previous week (or thereabouts) in Miami-Dade County. Yes, there is some mockery of bad neck tattoos, but also adulation directed at perps who just plain look more badass than we ever will. This is the italicized intro t ... More >>
Shaq in drag!Basketball fans are pissed. NBA Commissioner David Stern calls the lockout a "big charade," admitting that the 2011-2012 is in jeopardy because "the union is ratcheting up."
Alex "Rube" Rubin, the YouTube rapper whose "NBA Lockout Anthem" has become a collective battle cry for seaso ... More >>
Stop crying, Lebron! The Rube is here to end this motherfucking lockout.NBA commissioner David Stern may be the most hated man in Miami these days. After all, the lockout means that us Heat fans have been trying to scrub the shitty aftertaste of that catastrophuck of a final out of our mouths ... More >>
Alex IzaguirreUncle Luke, the man whose booty-shaking
madness once made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech,
gets as nasty as he wants to be for Miami New Times. This week,
Luke doesn't like how Lil Wayne and DJ Khaled use Miami but don't
give back to the Magic City.
I've got a m ... More >>
Perhaps when Dwyane Wade and LeBron James agreed to take a pay cut to work together, they figured they'd more than make up for that salary loss in endorsements. Maybe not according to a new list of the NBA's most marketable players. Both have plummeted out of the top ten. The new number one: Dirk ... More >>
Dirk Nowitzki may have walked away with the finals MVP award after the Dallas Maverick's drubbing of the Miami Heat, but he couldn't have done it without the explosive play of J.J. Barea. That fact was made all the more painful because Barea is a graduate of Miami Christian and a former Miami-Dad ... More >>
It was an unlikely win, but a win all the same. The Marlins stopped their 11-game losing streak last night with a 5-2 win over the Angels.Javier Vazquez pitched a scoreless 5 1/3 innings, which is pretty awesome considering he entered last night's game with the worst ERA in the majors. Mike Stant ... More >>
Terrence JenkinsA man who appears to be Mavs owner Mark Cuban hoists the Larry O'Brien Trophy at a Miami Beach nightclub. Shit.Well, insult has been definitively added to injury. After they stomped the Miami Heat 105-95 in game 6, the NBA champion Dallas Mavericks -- and owner Mark Cuban -- went ... More >>
Last night was brutal for Miamians, but considering rapper Birdman had boasted he made a $2 million bet on the Heat in the NBA Finals, we figured he'd be a bit more despondent than the rest of us. Apparently watching his team and bank account lose didn't stop Baby from having a good time las ... More >>
Let's hope you didn't burn any of your Miami Heat championship party decorations last night, because according to Las Vegas odds makers, Dwyane Wade and company are already the frontrunners for the 2012 finals. Apparently winning last night hasn't made Dirk Nowitzki and his Dallas Mavericks favor ... More >>
Wikimedia Commons user steenslagA clown cries after getting mocked for asking what time the Celtics game was on.The Heat are down 3-2. Dwyane Wade has a busted hip. LeBron James had a triple-double and still, somehow, looked horrible. It was a bad night.But it doesn't have to be a bad day, too. C ... More >>
Morton's steak sandwich: better than bar wings. Trust us.Here's the dilemma: if you stay home and watch Dirk Nowitzki in Sunday's Game 6, you'll swear at the TV set and probably break something. And your boss stuck you with the job of entertaining the new clients. You can't take them to the ... More >>
YAY HATE GROUPSUpdate 2:54 p.m.: Rick Scott spokesman Lane Wright said there's no day of prayer and no Florida event planned, and that Scott has not committed either way to the Texas event.Texas Gov. Rick Perry invited the 49 other governors to his football-stadium prayerfest spectacular in Augus ... More >>
We won't name names, but one of these nice young men TOOK A DAMNED NAP TUESDAY NIGHT.It was like nobody told the Heat fans it was an away game.American Airlines Arena hosted a "road rally" in the stands Tuesday night to watch the live broadcast of game 4 of the NBA Finals, and that place was full. S ... More >>
Well, shit. The Miami Heat must really love blowing fourth-quarter leads, because the team did it again last night in Game 4 of the NBA Finals, allowing the Dallas Mavericks to win the game 86-83 and tying the finals.Meanwhile, LeBron James had the worst performance of his playoff career. Dwyane ... More >>
Dirk NowitzkiUncle Luke, the man whose booty-shaking madness once made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech, gets as nasty as he wants to be for Miami New Times. Luke explains how the NBA commissioner is assisting Dallas Mavericks forward Dirk Nowitzki.The Heat hater brigade loves to h ... More >>
Nothing screams "I Am A Righteous Ass Kicking Machine" quite like overcoming one of the NBA Finals worst collapses, an officiating crew that absolutely refused to call any fouls for you but insisted on blowing the whistle if you so much as breathed on the giant German, and having one of your team ... More >>
Oye, Guanabacoa's most famous resident since Rick Sanchez is guaranteeing the Miami Heat will pick up its second Larry O'Brian trophy in the NBA Finals.In his latest YouTube video, Pepe Billete explains why the Dallas Mavericks suck ass while partaking in one of his favorite past times. We've loo ... More >>
Stone crab at Joe's.The Miami Heat obliterated the Dallas Mavericks last night, busting Dirk Nowitzki's finger and pretty much ending the series in the first game.
But even more important: A bet between Joe's Stone Crab and the Dallas Chop House. A hundred pounds of fatty disgusting ribeye steak ... More >>
If you're a fan of low scoring games, low-percentage shooting and sleep depravity, then Game 1 of the NBA Finals was the game for you!LeBron James scored 24 while Dwyane Wade added 22 and Chris Bosh went for 19 as the Miami Heat took down the Dallas Mavericks 92-84 to take the first game of the b ... More >>
The Dallas Mavericks earned a spot in the NBA Finals Wednesday night with their 100-96 win over the Oklahoma City Thunder, which means once the Heat finally put the Chicago Bulls out of their misery tonight, all that stands between Miami and a national title is a shaggy, horse-toothed German and his ... More >>
Apparently, the Miami Heat are only able to beat the Dallas Mavericks if the two are playing in the NBA Finals. Dirk Nowitzki dropped 26 points while Jason Terry scored all of his 19 late in the fourth quarter as the Mavericks ended the Heat's 12-game winning streak in a 98-96 final Monday night. ... More >>
Photo by Keith Allison, via FlickrRunning off the pure optimism of Wednesday night's opening beat-down of the New York Knicks, I present to you the top five Miami Heat starting lineups for the 2010-2011 season.As most fans know, the Heat will have perhaps the best cap space situation in the leag ... More >>