Dan Carpenter

  • Blogs

    December 20, 2013

    Dolphins at Bills: Lobster Trappin' in Buffalo Preview

    The Dolphins head up to Buffalo this Sunday to take on the Bills in what is essentially a must-win situation for the Dolphins if they hope to advance unimpeded into the playoffs. It's simple: the Dolphins whack the Bills and then the Jets next weekend and they're in the playoffs for the first time ... More >>

  • Blogs

    October 21, 2013

    Dolphins vs. Bills: Late Ryan Tannehill Fumble Leads to 23-21 Buffalo Victory

    With 2:57 left in the game and a one-point lead, the Dolphins opted to pass on second and eight rather than run the ball, and Tyson Clabo played turnstile for the eighth time this season to yield Mario Williams' sack/fumble on quarterback Ryan Tannehill. That extremely questionable play call by the ... More >>

  • Blogs

    October 15, 2012

    Dolphins Beat Rams 17-14 Despite Rushing for Only 20 Yards

    The Miami Dolphins are 3-3 today in spite of absolutely listless performances by both teams in a boring game, a second straight game of questionable (read: crappy) officiating and the Dolphins only rushing for a total of 20 yards all game. However, the continued influence of Ryan Tannehill's burgeon ... More >>

  • Calendar

    October 11, 2012
  • Blogs

    October 8, 2012

    Dolphins Pull Out Win Against Bengals Despite Abysmal Officiating

    In a game that featured absolutely putrid calls on the field by the recently-returned "professional" refs, the Dolphins managed to hold off the Cincinnati Bengals for a 17-13 win. An overall sloppy game for both teams was sealed when safety Reshad Jones intercepted Andy Dalton with 1:22 left in the ... More >>

  • Blogs

    October 5, 2012

    Poll: Obama Leads Among Florida Hispanics 61-31

    Obama may not have done his reelection campaign any favors by pulling a Dan Carpenter-vs-the-Jets level chokejob in Wednesday's debate. But it's increasingly clear that, at least in Florida, the president has gotten a huge boost from his executive order in July halting deportations for some children ... More >>

  • Blogs

    September 24, 2012

    Dolphins Lose to Jets 23-20 After Missed Field Goals, Reggie Bush Injury

    There was a time when kicker Dan Carpenter was responsible for the majority of the points the Dolphins scores, and could be relied upon to line up and bang out a field goal -- from seemingly any distance -- with a twirl of his flowing locks. That time is gone now.The Miami Dolphins lost to the New Y ... More >>

  • Blogs

    September 14, 2012

    Dolphins Apparently Didn't Realize Fans Can't Kick 60-Yard Field Goals

    Usually halftime contests involving fans at sporting games are silly affairs, but the contest slated to go down at the Miami Dolphins' home opener this weekend seems ridiculously tough. The team will give three fans a chance to win $10,000 if they can kick a 60-yard field goal. Think about that. A 6 ... More >>

  • Blogs

    September 8, 2012

    Miami Hurricanes Get Routed by Kansas State 52-13 in Worst Loss in Years

    "Oh, down 14-0 on the road in the first quarter," some of us might have thought. "Whatever, we did it last week." If that gleeful optimism wasn't wiped away once you realized the 'Canes were playing a ranked opponent and not an ACC bottom dweller, Kansas State certainly reminded you of that fac ... More >>

  • Blogs

    September 7, 2012

    Your Miami Dolphins 2012 Season Drinking Game: Drink the Pain Away

    Sure, things might come together for the Miami Dolphins this year. Ryan Tannehill could quickly develop into a stud. Our offense may surprise. Joe Philbin might reveal himself as a true coaching genius in his first season. The team might make the playoffs. You might win the lottery. The polar ice ca ... More >>

  • Blogs

    August 30, 2012

    Dolphins Fall to Cowboys 30-13 To End Preseason Winless, Then Crash The Team Plane

    In what is typically the most uninteresting and uneventful of all preseason games, the Dolphins conducted business-as-usual by falling to the Dallas Cowboys 30-13 last night, completing the 2012 preseason with only their third winless effort in franchise history.The Fins followed up in the most appr ... More >>

  • Blogs

    November 18, 2011

    Dolphin's Dan Carpenter Listed as Questionable, Who Will Score For Them Now?

    The Dolphins have scored 158 points total this season. Between field goals and extra points, Kicker Dan Carpenter has scored 68 of those points. Basically, the dude is responsible for a ridiculous 42 percent of the Dolphin's scoring this season, including the Jets game where he was the only person t ... More >>

  • Blogs

    October 26, 2011

    There's Now a "Suck for Luck" T-Shirt

    ​Sometimes we wonder how far this Suck for Luck business will go. Join us in our imagination: It's January 1, and the Jets are visiting Sun Life for the last game of the year. The Fins are 0-16. There's less than a minute left on the clock, and the Indianapolis Colts have just pulled off their fir ... More >>

  • Blogs

    October 18, 2011

    Miami Dolphins: The Suckiest Bunch of Sucks That Ever Sucked A Suck

    ​Watching the Miami Dolphins is like opening a gift and expecting something other than a box full of dicks. And that box full of dicks is now 0-5 after a 24-6 loss to their hated rival New York Jets on Monday Night Football.So the bad news is, the Dolphins remain winless and are in last place ... More >>

  • Blogs

    September 26, 2011

    Dolphins Wait Until Last Possible Moment To Crap Themselves

    ​The Miami Dolphins dominated pretty much every facet of the game against the Cleveland Browns yesterday, including rushing and passing yards. They even held a 16-10 lead with 43 seconds remaining.But because these are the Dolphins, they decided to go ahead and do that thing where they go all epic ... More >>

  • Blogs

    September 19, 2011

    To The Amazement of Absolutely Nobody, Dolphins Fall to 0-2

    ​The Amazing Shitshow! that is your Miami Dolphins fell to the Houston Texans for the sixth straight time in a 23-13 ass-whoopin' yesterday afternoon. The Dolphins are now 0-2 to start the season, have lost eleven of it's last twelve games at home, can't convert a third down for dick, and are the ... More >>

  • Blogs

    July 29, 2011

    QB Matt Moore Signs Two-Year Deal With Dolphins

    ​Well, that didn't take long. According to the Oregonian, quarterback Matt Moore has signed a two-year deal with the Miami Dolphins. This pretty much ends any speculation that the Fins would sign a proven QB better than Chad Henne.

  • Blogs

    December 20, 2010

    Dolphins Lose Sixth Home Game of Season, Playoffs are DOA

    ​With Sunday's 17-14 loss to the lowly Buffalo Bills, it looks like the Miami Dolphins have managed to cobble together yet another season of rampant incompetence. The loss killed whatever feeble hopes Miami had on making the playoffs, putting their record at 7-7 and giving them their sixth ho ... More >>

  • Blogs

    December 13, 2010

    Miami Wins, Jets Coach Intentionally Trips Dolphins Player

    ​If you like low scoring games with shitloads of punting, dropped touchdown passes, coaches tripping players running down the sideline, corner backs with hands of stone, and really repulsive quarterback play, then Sunday's showdown between the Miami Dolphins and New York Jets was right up your all ... More >>

  • Blogs

    December 6, 2010

    Dolphins Lose to Browns, Fall to 1-5 at Home

    Oh what could have been...​The Miami Dolphins fell to the Cleveland Browns 13-10 on Sunday in a game that was probably the worst-case scenario for making an argument that American football is exciting.While both teams' offenses did their darndest to lull you into unconsciousness, there was a palpa ... More >>

  • Blogs

    November 8, 2010

    Dolphins Suffer First Road Loss

    ​The Miami Dolphins lost their first road game of the season Sunday, falling 26-10 to the Baltimore Ravens, a team that is exactly like the Dolphins in every way except without all the interceptions and missed tackles and special teams blunders and dropped passes. The Dolphins are now 4-4 on the s ... More >>

  • Blogs

    November 3, 2010

    Dolphins Won't Get Randy Moss, Didn't Even Put In Claim For Him

    Straight Cash, Homie ​Remember those rumors and reports saying the Miami Dolphins were interested in acquiring Randy Moss after the Minnesota Vikings released him? There were even reports the Dolphins contacted Moss earlier this week. LIES! ALL LIES!!

  • Blogs

    November 1, 2010

    Dolphins Beat Bengals to Remain Perfect On The Road

    ​The Miami Dolphins remain perfect on the road after traveling into Cincinnati and taking down the Bengals 22-14 on Sunday. They're now 4-0 on the road, and 4-3 on the season. That's the good news. The bad news? The Dolphins offense flat out refuses to score touchdowns. Dan Carpenter just kicked a ... More >>

  • Blogs

    November 1, 2010

    Miami Dolphins Reportedly Interested in Signing Randy Moss

    Moon over Miami? ​Randy Moss sure has had a weird season. The day after the Patriots came to Miami and handed the Dolphins their dorsal tails, he was cut from the team. He ended back in Minnesota, where he just didn't gel with Brett Favre (not that anyone wants to "gel" with Favre lately). Today t ... More >>

  • Blogs

    October 17, 2010

    Dolphins Take Down Packers in Overtime

    ​Your Miami Dolphins were able to outlast an undermanned Green Bay Packers in a 23-20 overtime win on the road. As usual, the Dolphins kept things interesting, allowing an injury-riddled Packers team to keep things closer than they really should've been. Probably because the Dolphins didn't want t ... More >>

  • Blogs

    October 5, 2010

    Dolphins Get Pummeled On Monday Night Football

    ​​On a night where the Miami Dolphins were supposed to make a statement, get things back on track, and show the rest of the NFL watching world that they had arrived as a force to be reckoned with, they were instead beaten senselessly in a 41-14 shellacking at the hands of the New England Patriot ... More >>

  • Blogs

    February 1, 2010

    News Roundup: AFC Beats NFC in Pro Bowl

    Los Van Van, the Cuban dance band that performed at the Knight Center last night, drew around 400 anti-Castro protesters. [ABCNews]Inner-city neighborhoods such as Liberty City might be in position for an economic renaissance. [Herald]Miami-Dade interim director James Loftus is expected to be p ... More >>

  • News

    December 17, 2009
  • Blogs

    December 14, 2009

    Miami Dolphins in the Thick of It

    ​If we had told you before this game started that the Dolphins would only manage to score 14 points in the first half, zero points in the second half, turn the ball over three times in enemy territory, but will still win the game, you would have stabbed us in the spleen with a No. 2 pencil and gon ... More >>

  • Blogs

    December 7, 2009

    Miami Dolphins Win: Never Say Die!

    ​Just when you thought they were good and dead, the Miami Dolphins pull off one of the most satisfying, Scarlett-Johansson's-knockers-in-your-face awesome victories of the 2009 season. It came thanks in large part to Chad Henne, Vontae Davis, and a Dolphins team that simply won't die.On their firs ... More >>

  • Blogs

    November 16, 2009

    Miami Dolphins: The Robot Leads Miami To An Ugly Win

    ​Well we did say in our preview that this one felt like it was going to be closer than it should be. And Christ was it ever. Ugly win? This was lady-bitten-in-the-face-by-a-crazy-ass-chimp ugly as the Dolphins mangled, bungled and stumbled their way to a 25-23 victory against the lowly Buccaneers ... More >>

  • Blogs

    October 20, 2009

    A Different Kind of Dolphins Football

    Head over to the merry old land of Wales where they are less than familiar with the joys of America's favorite sport, and mention "Dolphins Football," and the wildcat offense might not be the first thing that comes to mind. Depending on how imaginative your new Welsh friend is, he might giggle at th ... More >>

  • Blogs

    October 6, 2008

    New-Look Dolphins Refuse To Stop Kicking Ass

    For a second there, we all had the flashbacks. After Dan Carpenter missed that sure-fire 42 yard field goal, and then San Diego immediately marched down the field scored a TD a few minutes later, you thought "Well fuck me in the pants, here we go again." You also thought it when Devone Bess fumbled ... More >>