The Miami Heat may be entering the NBA playoffs as a second seed, but they're tops in another set of standings. For the sixth time, LeBron James' jersey was the top seller in the league. The Miami Heat, meanwhile, sold more merchandise this season than any other team.
Uncle Luke, the man whose booty-shaking madness made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech, gets as nasty as he wants to be for Miami New Times. Today, Luke addresses what's wrong with the Miami Heat before the big game against the Indiana Pacers. I love the Miami Heat, but right now Lebr ... More >>
Miley Cyrus' Bangerz Tour With Icona Pop American Airlines Arena, Miami Saturday, March 22, 2014 "Woo! Woooooo! I'm in Miami, bitch! I'm gonna fuck Miley Cyrus tonight! Bangerz tour! I'm gonna bang her all night!" shouted an overexcited guy in front of us. Meanwhile, much like Halloween on South ... More >>
Tuesday night the Miami Heat threw an elaborate "We Are The Champions" party at American Airlines Arena, a night that ended in them dominating the Chicago Bulls, and landing in Philadelphia at 3 a.m. Wednesday they woke up, had breakfast, fell down 19-0 to the Philadelphia 76ers, and got their asses ... More >>
The term "must-win" is rather carelessly thrown about in sports. Following the Heat's Game One loss to the Chicago Bulls in the East Semi-Finals, the term popped up because one could not fathom the Heat going down 0-2 to Chicago, much less losing both home games to start the series. The reality was, ... More >>
Miami Heat star Dwyane Wade is no stranger to fashion provocation, but gauging by the reaction from his stroll into Chicago's United Center last night in a tailored Gucci suit that featured ankle-flashing capri pants, you would have assumed he'd shown up in a rainbow Speedo and glittery suspenders. ... More >>
Middle-finger lady: Riptide salutes you, for you are truly the soul of Miami embodied. Your patterned silk shirt: Glorious. Your tan: Immaculate. Your leather purse, gold jewelry and white pants: Perhaps wrong for a basketball contest, but oh so right. And your look of pure glee as you shove your ... More >>
The Miami Heat is on, and no we're not talking about the weather. Defending champions (is it too soon to predict this year's outcome?) and our lovable hometown team swept round one of the playoffs and begins young two tonight against the Chicago Bulls. What do you have to say about that Lil' Wayne? ... More >>
The Miami Heat minus an injured Dwyane Wade closed out the Milwaukee Bucks Sunday afternoon with an 88-77 victory, sweeping the best-of-seven series four games to none. As was a theme in this series, the Bucks lulled the Miami Heat to sleep for three quarters, hanging around until the Heat decided ... More >>
"Everybody's working' for the weekend." Oh, Loverboy, you may have been wrong about a lot of things, but were you right about that.The weekend is finally and you can't let it go to waste because before you know it, it will disappear as quickly as Loverboy and the rest of the '80s faded away.That doe ... More >>
If you have a heart condition or are pregnant, you should not continue reading this article due to possible health-related concerns: The Miami Heat lost. Nope, don't update your Miami New Times app; this is today's news. No need to check if today is April 1, still a few days away. It really happened ... More >>
In the shadows of a cocaine skyline, in the bitter freeze of winter, with fewer than a legion of supporters, and a raging douchenozzle hellbent on destruction ... The seven samurai of Fishbone gathered by the river, armed for battle, and unleashed a sonic boom of future funk on the Tobacco Road pa ... More >>
The Miami Heat are worth a cool $625 million, according to the latest NBA team valuations by Forbes.com. That's up 307 percent since last year, or almost $200 million since 2012 when the team was valued at $427 million. Apparently that championship made a big difference.
LeBron James scored a game-high 36 points last night, while the rest of the Miami Heat stood and watched as the Boston Celtics shot 60 percent from the floor in yet another listless-shit-the-bed-let's-all-go-outside-and-punt-a-litter-of-kittens-loss by the Heat.Rajon Rondo once again had his way aga ... More >>
Apparently LeBron James isn't the only Heat star with a sometimes embarrassing parent. Dwyane Wade's father, Dwyane Wade Sr., was ejected from the United Arena last night during the Bulls-Heat game, reportedly for yelling obscenities. Jeez, what a big fucking bag of dicks. Updated.
It's tough to find a group of people who know the NBA more than the league's own group of general managers. For the tenth year in a row, NBA.com surveyed all 30 GMs to get their take on the state of the league, and 74.1 percent think the Miami Heat will win the NBA Championship. They also think L ... More >>
While you were sleeping last night, the Miami Heat offense also fell asleep in the fourth quarter of their 111-106 overtime loss to the Golden State Warriors.It was a game of turnovers, sloppy play, Mario Chalmers dribbling basketballs off his foot, Udonis Haslem missing dunks, LeBron James ... More >>
Let's hope you didn't burn any of your Miami Heat championship party decorations last night, because according to Las Vegas odds makers, Dwyane Wade and company are already the frontrunners for the 2012 finals. Apparently winning last night hasn't made Dirk Nowitzki and his Dallas Mavericks favor ... More >>
Wikimedia Commons user steenslagA clown cries after getting mocked for asking what time the Celtics game was on.The Heat are down 3-2. Dwyane Wade has a busted hip. LeBron James had a triple-double and still, somehow, looked horrible. It was a bad night.But it doesn't have to be a bad day, too. C ... More >>
Dear America,We address you as ambassadors of sorts from the culturally sovereign nation of Miami-Dade. It's recently come to our attention that the "Miami Heat," a professional sporting concern that represents our city in your National Basketball Association, has advanced to a series which will ... More >>
The Miami Heat left the Chicago Bulls wounded last night, and who's come along to rub in the salt? None other than Scottie Pippen. Michael Jordan's former right-hand-man was on ESPN's Mike and Mike in the Morning today and said that LeBron James might actually be a better basketball player than J ... More >>
The Dallas Mavericks earned a spot in the NBA Finals Wednesday night with their 100-96 win over the Oklahoma City Thunder, which means once the Heat finally put the Chicago Bulls out of their misery tonight, all that stands between Miami and a national title is a shaggy, horse-toothed German and his ... More >>
Miami Heat The Heat Dancers and Food Trucks - that's (white) hot!Tonight you can watch the Miami Heat finish off the Chicago Bulls at the AAA Arena. We know what you're thinking -- this is an "away" game so how are you supposed to watch it at the arena in Miami? When it's the Miami Heat Wh ... More >>
First off: Is there any better evidence that the Miami Heat's Big Three is really a two-headed beast than the fact that Dwyane Wade and LeBron James always hold a tandem press conference with Chris Bosh later speaking to reporters alone? If this team is a circus, Wade and LeBron are the tight ... More >>
It's a weird week for the word "faggot," ain't it? The Chicago Bull's Joakim Noah just got fined a discounted $50,000 for addressing an unruly Heat fan as such during game three of the NBA Eastern Conference Finals in Miami on Sunday. Meanwhile, Goblin, the proper debut album of Tyler, the Creato ... More >>
Big night in Miami tonight. On one side, the Miami Heat hosting the Chicago Bulls in Game 4 of the Eastern Conference Finals. On the other, the Miami-Dade elections. What's a good Miamian to do? Watch the game? Check on the election results?Well, don't fret, good citizen. Just stay with us t ... More >>
LeBron James has taken a lot of shit this year. Mainly because he decided to exercise his perfectly legal right to join another team through free agency. SO EVIL! And then he went and celebrated his signing with the Heat in front of the local fans with a fire works show. SO IMPERIOUS!He's also ha ... More >>
The day is almost here. After one of the most scrutinized regular seasons afforded to any team in just about all of NBA history the Miami Heat are set to platy their first play-off game with LeBron James and Chris Bosh joining Dwayne Wade in red and black tomorrow. They'll face off at home ag ... More >>
For the past two years, Dwyane Wade has been just about the only NBA superstar not to have his own signature sneaker. He traded his own line of Converse kicks and apparel to take the historic honor of being the first basketball-player spokesman for Nike's Air Jordan brand sinc ... More >>
As the Miami Heat have struggled this season, critics have repeatedly pointed their fingers at the team's new $100 million big man, Chris Bosh, for playing soft. The 6'11" forward has struggled to assert himself in the paint since arriving from Toronto, leading to whispers that he had "gone Canad ... More >>
Just ten days ago, the Miami Heat were in the midst of a five-game losing streak that included a season sweep at the hands of the Chicago Bulls and a press conference where head coach Erik Spoelstra told everyone that his players were crying after a loss. In the mix was also a 30-point loss to th ... More >>
The Miami Heat may be the most talked about NBA team this season, but they aren't the most valuable. However, the signing of LeBron James and Chris Bosh saw the team's value increase by 17 percent since last year, according to Forbes.com. That's the biggest increase in value over one year in the ... More >>
How exactly would the Miami Heat play without Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh or LeBron James? Like the reigning champs of a retirement community's summer league? Like an especially hairy WNBA team? Like the '07-'08 Heat, who went Wade-less much of the season and finished with the worst record in the NBA ... More >>
Unless the Heat somehow manage to only drop two games the rest of the regular season, the hopes that the team can match the '96 Chicago Bulls 72-win season may have to wait until at least next season. Though, the streaking squad is already knocking on the door at meeting or beating another NB ... More >>
LeBron James didn't just take his talents to South Beach, he brought Nike's design team along with him apparently. The newest Nike Air Max LeBron 8 kicks come in a special edition "South Beach" color way which, of course, means they're bright turquoise and hot pink. They're fresher than a new coat o ... More >>
Dumb things people have said since the baller signed with the Heat.
LeBron James tore a hole in the fabric of the universe when he announced on live television he was joining the Miami Heat. And wow, did people say some really dumb/crazy things about it. Here's our compendium, in roughly chronological form, of the looniest and most mind-melting quotes from the Su ... More >>
Gloria Estefan led a march in support of Cuban dissidents yesterday and was joined by Pitbull, Willy Chirino, Natalia Jimenez, and Luis Fonsi. [AP]A Miami woman is charged with trying to drown her two kids and commit suicide in a local park: "A witness told police she saw the woman on the seawa ... More >>
Wade, ONeal, and Beasley take on the Bulls.
Heat sans Wade, Riley, or any other recognizable face.
Dennis Rodman shows his private parts
Michael Jordan to the Max