Charlie Sheen

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'Tis the Season for Oscars

Dumas for Dummies

Feeling Feverish?

Cold War Reheated

Some Friendly

Amika's opening was not Shaq-adelic

Swelter

Amika's opening was not Shaq-adelic

Kiefer Madness

Amika's opening was not Shaq-adelic

Top 10 Foods Charlie Sheen Can't Get in Jail, If He Goes

We're no judge or jury, but we're guessing Charlie Sheen is headed for the slammer. All the celebrities are doing it. Serving a year is the new having a college degree. Did you know that back in 1990 Charlie Sheen shot his then-fiancee in the arm, accidentally?If his newest arrest results in jail ti ... More >>

Ten Reasons Erin Newberg Says to Watch VH1's "Secrets of Aspen"

courtesy blog.vh1.comErin and castmate Shana have Secrets​If you think that no reality show is complete without an injection of the 305, tonight may be the night you start watching the latest piece of reality fluff to hit VH1's lineup "Secrets of Aspen." The show premiered last week with a storyli ... More >>

Marlins Pitcher Jose Ceda Shot His Friend, Dick Cheney Style

Eventually, we're all going to end up unwittingly shooting one of our friends. It happens. It happened to Dick Cheney and his hunting buddy. It happened to Charlie Sheen when he inadvertently capped then-fiancée Kelly Preston. It happened to Plaxico Burress and his thigh. Now the Marlins' Jose ... More >>

Charlie Sheen's Porn Star "Victim" is a Miami Girl

​The combined out-of-control forces of Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears and Paris Hilton really don't even come close to the sheer disaster that is Charlie Sheen's life. In just his latest episode, the Two and a Half Men star went on an alleged alcohol and cocaine fueled naked rampage in which h ... More >>

Herald Just Straight Up Linking to Hardcore Porn in Their Stories Now

​The Miami Herald is a "family newspaper," you know. Unlike yours truly, their writers aren't even free to drop f-bombs in their copy. Apparently, though, their website is totally free to link to hardcore pornography sites without so much as a "NSFW" warning in stories displayed on their front pag ... More >>

Capri Anderson: Dirty Dozen 2010

​Each year, New Times puts together a list of the sketchiest politicians, unholiest celebrities, and weirdest human beings to call the Magic City home. So who made the filthy cut this year? We're releasing the names one by one ahead of next week's issue, which comes with a full-page illustration o ... More >>

Top Ten Dumb-Ass New Year's Traditions

Yes, Dick Clark is a dumb-ass new year tradition.​Stupid traditions ... Like assholes and opinions, everyone has one. You've groaned when your mom forced you to follow hers. Or you've nervously complied when trapped at some boring New Year's Eve party with your brand-new girlfriend and her extend ... More >>

Miami's dirty dozen of 2010

Yes, Dick Clark is a dumb-ass new year tradition.​Stupid traditions ... Like assholes and opinions, everyone has one. You've groaned when your mom forced you to follow hers. Or you've nervously complied when trapped at some boring New Year's Eve party with your brand-new girlfriend and her extend ... More >>

Scottie Pippen Calls Chris Bosh Half a Player, Doesn't Think Heat Will Break Any Record

​When Scottie Pippen sits down to watch TV, he doesn't see much difference between Two and a Half Men and a Miami Heat game. We guess LeBron is Charlie Sheen, Wade is John Cryer, and Chris Bosh is apparently that chubby kid who's awkwardly aged in front of America. In an interview with Slam Online ... More >>

Charlie Sheen, Red Mango Frozen Yogurt, and A Very Very Last Thought On SBWFF

​Red Mango Coming To South BeachThe all natural frozen yogurt store is moving into the Shops At Alton Road, lined up on Fifth Street along with Subway and upcoming Original Brooklyn Water Bagel Company and Pizza Fusion. Here's how Red Mango is described on the website: "The only 100% all natural, ... More >>

Winning! Cocaine! Tiger Blood! The Interweb's Seven Best Charlie Sheen Parody Songs

Angela George, Flickr​Charlie Sheen is a hell of a drug, and he's also the inspiration for several amateur musicians on YouTube. From a white Missouri rapper to a creepy old man's Sheen-inspired parody of "You're Beautiful," the interwebs are littered with people high off Charlie, and capitalizing ... More >>

LeBron James Needs to Get Some of that Drug Called Charlie Sheen

via Alex PardeeThe new Heat mascot?​We were led to believe that LeBron James was special. That he was bitching, a total frickin' rock star from Mars. That he had tiger blood and Adonis DNA. That he was some sort of basketball warlock. That his joining the Heat would mean, duh, WINNING! But that ha ... More >>

Rico Love Charlie Sheen = "Bi-Winning" Rap Magic

Photo by Hannibal MatthewsRico Love's "on that Charlie Sheen"!​There's nothing we could add to the Charlie Sheen internet chatter that hasn't already been said. However, it was only a matter of time before the first rap song dropped using the phrase "on that Charlie Sheen." So who was to answer ... More >>

Snappy Slogans: "Because rich tourists have to eat too!"

​Every now and then I take time from my busy schedule in order to lend a hand to others. I'm just big-hearted that way. Most of my charitable assistance is given to restaurants. The owners don't ask for my advice -- restaurateurs are a proud bunch -- but I know who needs my support. How can a writ ... More >>

Tiger Blood: Coming to a Supermarket Near You

via ssoosay​Have you been obsessively refreshing Charlie Sheen's Twitter page seeking more doses of #tigerblood to get through your sad, pathetic day? Have all of your dreams this week involved porn-star goddesses feeding you chocolate milk through straws made of cocaine? Do you end all of yo ... More >>

Charlie Sheen's "Winning" Cooking Video: Next Stop Food Network?

Duh...Winning!​Charlie Sheen and his Adonis DNA have just made a cooking video for Funny or Die. In it, he announces his plan of total media domination. In the past week, he's appeared on every television network but one....The Food Network. In the demo -- which appears on the site run by c ... More >>

Ten Winning Band Names for Charlie Sheen's Inevitable Debut Album

Winning! Charlie Sheen is a freaking rock star.​If you've paid any attention to television, radio, internet, or even smoke signals rising from a faraway tribe, you've no doubt heard a little bit about Charlie Sheen in the news lately. But let us go on record right here and now as saying that the m ... More >>

Ten Other Things We Wish We Could Recall

​Even if you didn't think yesterday's recall of Miami-Dade Mayor Carlos Alvarez and Commissioner Natacha Seijas was a good idea, you must admit it was immensely satisfying to watch those lopsided results come in. We posit that it was better than sex. Fornication is wonderful and all, but how oft ... More >>

Charlie Sheen Is Bringing His Tour to South Florida

​If you want to see a sad former(?) drug addict ramble about bizarre delusions of grandeur, you can do it for free on many of South Florida's street corners. Or you can shell out $61 to $102 to see one at the BankAtlantic Center in April. That's right -- Charlie Sheen is bringing My Violent Torped ... More >>

Note to Local Hotels: Never Let Charlie Sheen and Bret Michaels Rent a Room

​Talk about a confederacy of douches. In retrospect, it only makes sense that Bret Michaels and Charlie Sheen are good friends. Apparently they once owned a production company together, and Michaels taught Sheen the first thing any self-respecting bad boy celebrity needs to know: the proper trashi ... More >>

Rich Uncle Pennybags

​Talk about a confederacy of douches. In retrospect, it only makes sense that Bret Michaels and Charlie Sheen are good friends. Apparently they once owned a production company together, and Michaels taught Sheen the first thing any self-respecting bad boy celebrity needs to know: the proper trashi ... More >>

BT at Ultra Music Festival 2011 Day Three, March 27

​BT is difficult to pinpoint. He's a Grammy-nominated producer, remixer, musician, singer, engineer and composer. But he also moonlights as software creator, mobile app maker, and TV producer for the sad (but true) reality show Tommy Lee Goes to College on NBC. Yeah, who knew Tommy Lee actually ev ... More >>

Route 9 Revisited

​I didn't want to have to respond to the Route 9 brouhaha, but so many untruths are out there that I really have no choice. I made four factual errors in one review -- it's pretty hard to imagine making more, and something like that obviously should never happen. I sincerely apologize to readers f ... More >>

Bitchin' Rock Star from Mars

​I didn't want to have to respond to the Route 9 brouhaha, but so many untruths are out there that I really have no choice. I made four factual errors in one review -- it's pretty hard to imagine making more, and something like that obviously should never happen. I sincerely apologize to readers f ... More >>

Lynn Dannheisser, Surfside Town Attorney, Compares Bloggers Critical of Her to the KKK

​Surfside town attorney Lynn Dannheisser has been on a bit of a Charlie Sheen-esque multi-media rampage recently. In March, we wrote that Dannheisser, who makes more than $177,000 a year, successfully recommended her boyfriend, Gerald Houlihan, for additional legal representation for the town. Blo ... More >>

Billboard Latin Music Awards and Conference Descends on Miami April 26 to 28

Tonight I'm...WINNING!​The 22nd annual Billboard Latin Music Awards and Conference rolls into town next week -- and with it, a multitude of stars, celebs and industry types who will descend upon Miami Beach to partake of parties, panels and poolside cocktails at the Eden Rock Renaissance. But the ... More >>

Wayans Tag Team

Tonight I'm...WINNING!​The 22nd annual Billboard Latin Music Awards and Conference rolls into town next week -- and with it, a multitude of stars, celebs and industry types who will descend upon Miami Beach to partake of parties, panels and poolside cocktails at the Eden Rock Renaissance. But the ... More >>

STK $150 Gift Certificate, No Strings Attached Super-Mega Giveaway!

STK Miami​Thanks to the kind people at Paramount, Short Order readers can win one of the best giveaways ever. Prize includes a Blu-ray copy of No Strings Attached, the romantic comedy starring Oscar-winner Natalie Portman and Charlie Sheen-replacement Ashton Kutcher. But in order to mak ... More >>

Charlie Sheen Finally Admits He's A Juggalo

​Try, if you can, to imagine a grosser Burning Man. Not that the annual, drug-fueled New Age neverland orgy isn't gross. It is. But in addition to the week-long, middle-of-nowhere mass discharge of bodily fluids onto crystals, Burning Man also has mind-boggling works of art and provides a unique, ... More >>

Beyonce, Chris Bosh, and Three Other Secret Celebrity Juggalos

Are you down with the clown?​​The Insane Clown Posse is the most successful DIY b(r)and in the history of independent music. They move merch like bona fide hustlers, tour like Black Flag in the '80s and serve as the centerpiece of a million-dollar Dark Carnival of spin-off artists and related pr ... More >>

Ashton Kutcher, Opponent of Underage Sex Trafficking, Appears on Billboard With Naked 17-Year-Old Boy

Real men don't buy girls -- but it's cool if they stand next to naked boys.​No one is saying bearded celebrity pretty boy Ashton Kutcher is wrong for using his public influence to help combat underage sex trafficking. But when we published a feature calling him out for his obviously phony stats, h ... More >>

An Extremely Detailed Breakdown of Charlie Sheen's War With Garbage-Throwing Juggalos

​The Gathering of the Juggalos took place over the weekend. And while Crossfade is generally disgusted by the Insane Clown Posse's mud-, soda-, and facepaint-obsessed "music festival," our interest was piqued, ever so slightly, by last month's announcement that batshit drug addict of the year, Cha ... More >>

Keep Cool With These Icy Food Truck Treats

Snow CapsThat's one way to beat the Miami heat.​Walking a block from the car to lunch yesterday, we were hit with a furnace of hot air. Back in the car, the thermometer hit 100 degrees. It's August and it's muy caliente in Miami. If you're like us, you need something to cool you down. Luckily, the ... More >>

When Will Marc Anthony Stop Crying and Sing Again?

​Following his nasty, shocking split from America's favorite Latina ice queen, salsa-pop singer and semi-serious actor Marc Anthony's been in the news a lot. Of course, when we say news, we mean that his bony face has been splashed all over tabloid rags, celebrity gossip websites, and supposedly ... More >>

Marc Anthony at American Airlines Arena September 16

​Following his nasty, shocking split from America's favorite Latina ice queen, salsa-pop singer and semi-serious actor Marc Anthony's been in the news a lot. Of course, when we say news, we mean that his bony face has been splashed all over tabloid rags, celebrity gossip websites, and supposedly ... More >>

Four Haters Behind the Conspiracy to Destroy Juggalos

Jacob Metcalf's FlickrJuggalos are people too.Though Juggalo parties are loaded with titties and soda pop, and their signature battle cry mating call, "Whoop! Whoop!," would seemingly convey unabashed pride, it's safe to assume that it ain't easy being down with the clown. Everyone loves to rag on ... More >>

Sweet Ear Wax, Camel Balls, and Candy Pee: The Ten Grossest Candies Ever!

Have a heart. Don't give these candies to trick-or-treaters.​Halloween is this week and with it comes trick or treating and candy. Candy, by its very existence, is sweet, delicious and created solely to make you feel good. So, of course, some genius decided that if you can mold candy into, say a t ... More >>

Justin Bieber, Steve Jobs, Spock: How to Make Ten Celebrity Pumpkins

Heeeere's Johnny!​Halloween is almost here and you have a dilemma. There's a pumpkin on your doorstep ready to be carved, but what do you do? Sure you can do the standard Jack O' Lantern, but how boring is that? Why not turn that giant orange gourd into a work of art?  It's actually easy sinc ... More >>

Lady Gaga's A Very Gaga Thanksgiving: Ten Celebrities That Should Never Do a Holiday Show

Will Lady Gaga wear a turkey dress?​Lady Gaga just announced her new holiday special, A Very Gaga Thanksgiving. The show will air on ABC on Thanksgiving day, November 24, and will feature Tony Bennett and Katie Couric. If that's not bizarre enough, Gaga is set to perform "White Christmas" and chef ... More >>

Demi Moore Loves Miley Cyrus's Penis (Cake)

Via TMZBut, really, who doesn't? ​Just when you thought the fact that Miley Cyrus loves penis cake was officially too hot to handle ... TMZ has revealed that Miley ain't the only one who's got a need for desserts fashioned after gargantuan shlongs. Yes, it's true, Demi Moore has been implicated i ... More >>