Subject:

Calvin Godfrey

  • Blogs

    September 15, 2009

    Protect Your Neck at Miami-Dade Public Schools

    Alex Izaguirre​It still amazes me how parents lull themselves into thinking that their children will be okay inside the Miami-Dade public school system, even at supposedly "safe havens" like Coral Gables Senior High, where one student stabbed a classmate to death earlier this morning.We live in a ... More >>

  • Blogs

    February 22, 2008

    Chickens, We're On To You

    Alright. You know what this is. The oldest scam in the Miami books. A band of chickens comes into town (down from Arkansas, or up from Key West) loaded up on cocaine. They’re driving by this little house listening to their loud music, smoking their reefers. And some poor bastard comes out and as ... More >>

  • Blogs

    February 21, 2008

    Billy & Bob Go Hialeah

    Hialeah is a mystery. It’s like God took a suburb, put it in a boggle box, shook the shit out of it, and out came this plucky little town. Luckily, these two High School students have come together to produce this magical number –one that lends understanding to the baffling maw that is The ... More >>

  • News

    February 21, 2008

    Fidel's Gone. Yawn.

    The day el dictador quit was a bizarre one at Versailles, in Hialeah, and on Miami streets.

  • Blogs

    February 4, 2008

    Florida is Bottom of the Barrel on Gun Control

    Well, the numbers are in. We got… um, 8 points out of a possible hundred from the Brady Campaign to Stop Gun Violence. Which is probably making a lot of you out there really happy because you fucking hate them and would like nothing more than to unload all of your various weapons into the belly ... More >>

  • Blogs

    February 4, 2008
  • Blogs

    February 4, 2008

    Eat the Pigskin, Don't Watch It

    Our lame nation spent Sunday coveting the pig skin. Brazil ate it and had a real party. Because a bawdy, sexual parade is about a million times more interesting than two squadrons of men running into each other between expensive tv ads. That said, I decided to celebrate the week with Brazil’s na ... More >>

  • Blogs

    January 30, 2008

    Fie On You, Castle of Poop and Inconvenience

    I want to start the Burn Down the South Dade Justice Building (after everyone goes home) Club. But in the interest of diplomacy, I’ll settle for re-naming the place The Castle of Poop and Inconvenience. Any takers? Frankly, I feel like all of my constitutional rights and bodily orifices have be ... More >>

  • Blogs

    January 4, 2008

    Coconuts, Delicious or Deadly?

    When I first arrived in Miami, I was happy about all the coconuts. I bought a machete and looked forward to lavish coconut-splitting parties, involving rivers of rum and armies of women. The day never came. And now I hate the coconuts. They’re everywhere. And frankly, I’m beginning to thi ... More >>

  • Blogs

    December 31, 2007

    Murder Incorporated

    Hey everybody, only 147 people got killed locally this year, according to Miami-Dade police! That’s six less than last year! Awesome! --Calvin Godfrey

  • Blogs

    December 31, 2007

    Why not poke a pig for NYEve?

    What are you gonna do to ring in the New Year? Get drunk? Spend a bunch of money at a club? Shoot a gun in the air? Well fuck you. My man Chris (in the black wife beater) and everybody down on SW 27th street got up at the crack of dawn and drove out to the Everglades. They shelled out $200 ... More >>

  • Blogs

    December 21, 2007

    Last Minute Gifts: Bay of Pigs Gift Shop

    It’s hard to find something in Miami that someone back home will want – something that will help them understand what the hell you’ve been doing for the past three years and why you’ve opted to spend your days on the hurricane-addled edge of the world. Thank God for the Asociacion de Vetera ... More >>

  • News

    December 6, 2007

    Letters from the Issue of December 6, 2007

    "Animal products are cruel, unhealthy, and downright dangerous."

  • Blogs

    December 3, 2007

    It's That Time of Year Again

    Some mornings, you wake up in South Florida, crack open the newspaper, and think: God is surely dead. Or maybe he’s just different. In Italy, the nation’s most vulgar and oft-uttered exclamation, Porco Dio, literally translates to “porcine god.” Somehow it seems most true here in Miami. ... More >>

  • News

    November 29, 2007

    Doppelganger Goes Down

    Longtime con man Thomas Barrett Stringer gets caught

  • Blogs

    November 22, 2007

    Give Thanks for Vampire in Havana

    Well, Thanksgiving is upon us. Time for everyone you never talk to in your family to sit around together, get drunk, and wait to eat. It’s not really about the eating, which takes about 15 minutes, if everyone chews slowly. Thanksgiving is about all the fighting or not-fighting that goes on whi ... More >>

  • News

    November 22, 2007

    Letters from the Issue of November 22, 2007

    "Let us all tip our hats to one man's ability to question another's moral fiber."

  • Blogs

    November 6, 2007

    Election Day in Hialeah - A Photo Tour

    You may be reading this tomorrow when none of this matters. But I thought I’d give you a little flavor of just how weird life gets for us here at the New Times. While most cities and towns snooze during their local elections. The City of Progress jitters and jumps and shouts and calls each othe ... More >>

  • Blogs

    November 2, 2007

    Tomorrow, Teach a Friend to Homebrew

    People of Miami – put down your Presidentes. (Ok, you can finish them, first). Keep the bottles. You will soon be filling them with delicious beer of your own creation. Tomorrow is the ninth annual “Teach a friend to homebrew day.” While it hasn’t officially been recognized as a nati ... More >>

  • News

    October 25, 2007

    Letters from the Issue of October 25, 2007

    "I am not a whore at any price"

  • Blogs

    October 12, 2007

    Cat People Get, Well, Catty

    Calvin Godfrey Alan Rigerman with Chaos, his cougar Following the publication of Cat People, Alan Rigerman’s star has risen tenfold. And by that, we mean, he made it on a Spanish-language morning show, Despierta America. He brought his cougar, a lizard and Anthony, a masseuse in-tr ... More >>

  • News

    September 27, 2007

    Letters from the Issue of September 27, 2007

    "A New York newspaper would never have published such an article"

  • Blogs

    September 24, 2007

    Behold the Battle Axe, Yours for Five Bucks

    This battle axe was purchased at the Opa-locka/Hialeah flea market’s plucky Pakistani knife booth for five dollars. “This is a weird store,” said the pleasant girl behind the counter. “You’d be surprised at how often we sell this stuff to weird people like you.” The owner of the boo ... More >>

  • News

    September 20, 2007

    Letters from the Issue of September 20, 2007

    "I will never forget Caliph, a huge Bengal tiger, being walked through the cocktail party by his trainer. What a sight."

  • News

    August 30, 2007

    Letters from the Issue of August 30, 2007

    "The ethics commission is a waste"

  • Blogs

    August 14, 2007

    Shooters, Beware Miami-Dade's Trap Nazi

    I bought a shotgun some time ago from a private detective in the hopes that I would get better at shooting clay discs out of the sky. Don’t ask me why. It fills a void –like stamp collecting, or knitting, or alligator wrestling. But there is one major obstacle in my way: the Trap Nazi. If ... More >>

  • Blogs

    June 29, 2007

    This Weekend, Try a Milk Shake and Monkeys

    Sometimes this town can make you feel like a garden snake trapped in a viper pit. Life can be frustrating and hard and dangerous. It is times like these that you need to go have a fucking milk shake… and look at some fucking monkeys. Head out to Florida City and keep driving until there’s n ... More >>

  • Blogs

    May 29, 2007

    Grab a Beer with Our Marine Biologists

    This'll be the best home brew ever! Ever feel the urge to talk to a marine scientist? Well look no further. Every Friday night they gather at bar behind the University of Miami Marine Sciences Campus on Virginia Key. Just make your first right off the Rickenbacker right after you pass the Miami S ... More >>

  • Blogs

    May 22, 2007

    Never Leave a Dog Behind ... Or Something

    Those of you out there who missed the Greater Miami Area Chamber of Commerce’s Hurricane Preparedness Dog Fair may want to watch this. God only knows what’s really going on in this video, but it would appear that this is the group of people in Miami Dade County who will ultimately save your anim ... More >>

  • News

    May 10, 2007

    Letters from the Issue of May 10, 2007

    "You need to check your facts.

  • Blogs

    May 8, 2007

    Lladro Opens in Aventura, Moms Open Wallets

    "Mommy, why do we cost $500?" Last Friday, a pack of sagging suburban Cuban-American couples flooded an elegantly designed cubbyhole in the Aventura Mall to pay tribute to Lladro –the famed Spanish tchotchke baron. The hand-crafted porcelain figurines are cherished from Bermuda to Bangladesh. ... More >>

  • Blogs

    May 4, 2007

    Fisher Islanders Go On Strike

    Today, from 3 to 6 p.m. the waiters, cooks and housekeepers of Fisher Island are staging a protest at the Ferry landing off of MacArthur Causeway. Approximately 1000 underlings are pissed off, it seems, that their super-rich overseers have decided not to provide them with a living wage and health be ... More >>

  • News

    May 3, 2007

    All Hail, the King of the Smurfs

    Only one brave bassoonist booed into his water bottle.

  • Blogs

    April 6, 2007
  • Blogs

    April 6, 2007

    Where Have All the Grillz Gone, Miami?

    Nelly: Grillin' and chillin' In Christmas of 2005, Nelly's song "Grillz" made South Beach the nominal center of the shit-on-your-teeth universe. But, bad news, Miami. We dropped the fuckin' ball. Again. According to a reputable source we rank #7 in the nation for quality grillz.

  • News

    March 15, 2007

    Axing the Property Tax

    Potamkins homestead has a market value of $21 million.... Raul Masvidal owes $33,639 in taxes for his four-bedroom residence.

  • News

    March 8, 2007

    Letters from the Issue of March 8, 2007

    "We are swimming in a sea of pollution."

  • Blogs

    March 2, 2007

    Lame-O-Zine

    I recently got hold of an (advance?) copy of the March Miami Monthly —in fact, it was lying on the floor of the Men's locker room at the Sports Club LA. I must say, I was shocked and chagrined. Published by Mass Media Enterprises, which on its web site touts its "powerful circulation to th ... More >>

  • Blogs

    February 15, 2007

    Cuckoo for Coconut

    Mmm, frothy! For ten years, the Miami Area Society of Homebrewers (MASH) has battled the Ft. Lauderdale Area Brewers (FLAB) in an epic annual contest of brewing mastery: the Coconut Cup. And, after three nights of tasting and sampling in private homes, the battle will spill out onto the be ... More >>

  • News

    February 15, 2007

    Letters from the Issue of February 15, 2007

    "There are plenty of white whores riding poles and collecting dollar bills in G-strings."

  • Blogs

    February 6, 2007
  • News

    February 1, 2007

    Real Men of Sports

    They surf, skate, swat, and sprint

  • Blogs

    January 12, 2007

    What Happened to the Jesus Defense?

    It was time to take a stand. The goddamned Miami Beach Police Department had given me a $38 "parking in a restricted zone" ticket for.... Well, parking in a restricted zone. But they did it on Christmas Eve. There was no muss, no fuss. There was not even a "Merry Christmas" or even a muted ... More >>

  • Blogs

    December 18, 2006

    Wackin' the Taxpayer

    Keep your kid Billy's pockets free of ganja lint. If he's busted, he might just spend eight hours next to a seventeen-year-old who murdered his parents with a lead pipe. And if little Billy gets a beating, no one may be around to hear him scream. Miami-Dade commissioners recently renewed th ... More >>

  • Blogs

    November 10, 2006

    Strange News

    Now he'll have some time to find those WMDs himself Bush sat down to lunch with the San Francisco woman who'll have his nuts in a legislative vise for the next two years. Donald Rumsfeld waved a pouty goodbye. Dick Cheney was described as "glum" in the New York Times. Reading good news in th ... More >>

  • News

    November 9, 2006

    Mo' Ammo

    "Basketball-size holes? Certainly."

  • Blogs

    October 25, 2006

    Deals on Wheels

    The Bicycle King of Miami was not born to his throne. He grew up scavenging the train tracks and trash piles of old Homestead — then a land of five lakes. "You didn't' have no money to buy you a bike back in the day," he said while machining the rust off a steel washer in his cluttered ... More >>

  • Culture

    October 12, 2006

    Stage Capsules

    Current shows

  • News

    October 12, 2006

    Letters from the Issue of October 12, 2006

    "Premier Exhibitions violates human dignity"

  • Blogs

    September 29, 2006

    The City That Sleeps

    Miami, the neon swamp we all call home is, evidently, a fine place to sleep. A recent study conducted by Bert Sperling of fifty American cities places us at #8. Despite all the doomful possibilities (hurricanes, gunfire, giant reptile mauling) Miamians are sleeping a hell of a lot better than those ... More >>

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