AL East

Five Sports Owners Worse Than Jeffrey Loria

Meet the 2013 Miami Marlins! A Position-By-Position Analysis of Baseball's Worst Lineup

Step right up, meet your 2013 Miami Marlins, same as the 2012 Miami Marlins -- only completely different! If you're anything like me, you're angry, you're hurt, and you may or may not say to yourself during a jog, "Hey, that's a good place to hide a body named Jeffrey Loria!" But hear me out, we got ... More >>

New Times Says No to MLB

MLB Steroid Scandal: What's Next for New Times

Ryan Braun, Francisco Cervelli Confirm They Were Tony Bosch's Clients

On Tuesday, a week and a day after Miami New Times published online a report describing hundreds of pages of records from the office of a Coral Gables clinic, Biogenesis, the first professional baseball players have acknowledged involvement with owner Anthony Bosch. In statements issued Tuesday to ... More >>

A Miami Clinic Supplies Drugs to Sports' Biggest Names

See also: "The A Rod Files: Every Mention of the Yankees Slugger in Tony Bosch's Records"

Miami New Times' Dirty Dozen 2012

Marlins Actually Sign Someone: Placido Polanco

After selling off just about every player with anything resembling major league talent, the Miami Marlins have actually signed someone. Yes, they're bringing in two-time All-Star third baseman Placido Polanco, but the deal is only for a single season.

As A-Rod Battles His Neighbor, Miami Beach's Film Renaissance Hangs in the Balance

The Miami Marlins Just Traded All Their Players: Reyes, Johnson, Buehrle, Buck and Bonafacio All Gone

One year after the taxpayers of Miami-Dade gave Jeffrey Loria a brand new, $560 million ballpark, he's already given up even pretending to field a major league baseball team. In one of the largest salary dumps in the history of baseball, the Marlins are reportedly shipping basically every player on ... More >>

Ten Forgotten Miami Professional Sports Teams

Today, for better or worse, the Miami market has teams in each of the big four major leagues. It wasn't always that way, though, and besides the Dolphins, Heat, Marlins, and Panthers, several other professional sports teams have called Miami home. In fact, the Magic City's colorful pro spo ... More >>

The Marlins Have Officially Given Up All Hope This Season

There was a time in May, when the Heat were on their way to a championship, the Panthers had won their first ever division title, and the Marlins completed the best record that month in MLB, when we had a glimmer of hope (albeit somewhat tempered by the Dolphins) that this may be the first year sinc ... More >>

Meanwhile, Marlins Manager Resorts to Booze and Pills as Team Continues to Suck

For the Marlins, June is the cruelest month. They've cemented a tradition in the past few seasons of starting off strong and seeing it all sink away in the sixth month. A revamped roster, new name, new stadium, and new manager couldn't stave off the June slump. They're 4-14 for the month after havin ... More >>

Ozzie Guillen Ranked Least-Respected Manager in Poll of 100 Players

Much like Rodney Dangerfield, Ozzie Guillen gets no respect. A recent poll of 100 current MLB players by Men's Journal reveals that the Venezuelan loud mouth is the least respected baseball manager currently in the league. He ran away with the dishonor by a wide margin.

Manny Ramirez's Comeback Begins; Celebrate By Marveling at His Weird Official Website

Supremely bizarre baseball slugger-- and South Florida resident-- Manny Ramirez has had a long road back to the game. He abruptly retired from the Tampa Bay Rays in 2011 after testing positive for performance-enhancing drugs. He was arrested for allegedly battering his wife in their Weston home. Th ... More >>

La Ley Sports Says Little League Coaches Stole Team's Winnings

John "La Ley" Ruiz, TV Lawyer, Claims Baseball Coaches Ripped Him Off

Ah, baseball. The nostalgic green of the outfield grass. The evocative crack of bat hitting ball. The zeal of litigation and the slow slog of civil justice. George Will say whaa?! Three prominent local figures in youth baseball are embroiled in an intriguing lawsuit filed earlier this month. Miam ... More >>

Cuban Baseball Agents: Risks and Lies

Take Me Out

Logan Morrison is the Marlins' tweeter in chief

David Ortiz and Jose Bautista Are Currently Wandering Downtown Miami In Full Baseball Uniform

​This is like the baseball fan's version of that time Beyonce went to Cheeseburger Baby. I was in the courthouse district an hour or so ago when I saw the strangest thing: Baseball superstars David Ortiz and Jose Batista strolling down Northeast 1st Avenue, in full baseball uniform. It was extre ... More >>

Insiders use the college bowl system to loot American universities

Miami Marlins to Host 2012 MLB Season Opener at New Stadium

​This year's Major League Baseball season isn't over, but for the Florida Marlins, it pretty much is.In fact, the Florida Marlins are technically pretty much over. Next year, they'll be in that new stadium with a new name, and the MLB has announced that the team will play the very first game of th ... More >>

A-Rod and Cameron Diaz Reportedly Buy New $24 Million Miami Mansion: Take a Tour

​After unloading the Coral Gables spread he shared with his ex a few years ago, Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez has finally found new digs in Miami-Dade. A-Rod just shelled out a reported $24 million for a Miami Beach mansion that he plans to share with current girlfriend Cameron Diaz.

Twitter Is Confused About Miami Marlins Name Change

A fan-made "Miami" logo. (Yes, the Marlins have some fans.)​The condition that the Florida Marlins change their name to the Miami Marlins as part of the deal for their new stadium has been well known locally for years. But the baseball-loving world at large (which we assume does not care much abou ... More >>

Florida Marlins Not First Baseball Players To Be Spooked By Ghosts At St. Petersburg's Vinoy Hotel

"That voice just now-- what was it?"​We like the idea that, in his final hours as the Florida Marlins manager, Edwin Rodriguez spent his time comforting relief pitchers who were terrified of ghosts. It'd be fitting for one of the youngest teams in baseball.

Skyboxx, Magazine Devoted to Miami Heat, Fails Miserably

​The story of the circus surrounding the Miami Heat was as much about the media as it was about actual basketball. ESPN gave LeBron James an entire hour to announce his "decision," and then devoted an entire section to his team. Esquire launched an entire blog about James. Every pageview-hungry sp ... More >>

Help Us Insultingly Nickname the New Marlins Stadium and Win Marlins Tickets!

Welcome to The Chum Bucket.​We're a year from the new Marlins Stadium opening, but it's already one of the most hated edifices ever built in Miami. (Just ask Carlos Alvarez). So while we spend the next 40 years paying down the $2.4 billion in interest on this elephant we never wanted and didn't ge ... More >>

Cheesteaks Suck

Miami Sports Teams that Pay Players the Most Suck the Least

​Remember the time that the New York Yankee's Alex Rodriguez's annual salary was greater than the entire roster of the Florida Marlins combined? Well, the Marlins have agreed to increase their payroll in anticipation of moving into their own ballpark, and now A-Rod only makes about 57 percent of w ... More >>

Grand Concierto Bailable at the Knight Center November 5

Short Order Award winners

USA Today Runs Front Page Anti-Heat Propaganda

​USA Today sure had a big scoop splashed across its front page today. Apparently, everyone in America outside of Miami hates the Miami Heat. That's real breaking news there. Someone notify the Pulitzers.At least we did learn a few things. Like the fact that apparently people view the Miami Heat as ... More >>

John Henry Expected to Win Control of Liverpool FC Today in Battle of Grumpy Old American Billionaires

Grumpy Old American Billionaires Fight Over Liverpool FC​John W. Henry, the egomaniac ex-Marlins owner who handed out bobble-head dolls of himself at his own wedding, will likely win control of giant soccer club Liverpool FC later today. But not without fighting off last-minute legal challenges fr ... More >>

The Miami Dolphins Hit All-Time Low in Popularity According to Poll

The Miami Dolphins are the 21st most popular NFL team this year, or if you want to be more negative about it they're the 12th least popular. That's the lowest point the Dolphins have ever found themselves in the ratings since Harris Interactive began keeping track of such things in 1998. The good ne ... More >>

Well, Here's a Picture of Marlins Player Logan Morrison in a Baywatch Swimsuit

​The debate continues on about whether or not fans in Florida actually care about professional baseball. Not even DJ Kitty and the chance to clinch a play off birth can get more than a pathetic handful of fans out to see the Tampa Bay Rays. Florida Marlins attendance is also notoriously low. Does ... More >>

LeBron James and crazy quotes

Dumb things people have said since the baller signed with the Heat.

Man in LeBron Heat Jersey Shows Up at Cleveland Indians Game, Gets Thrown Out

​People in Cleveland are still pissed about that whole "LeBron James betrayed our town on a self-congratulatory, national live TV special for the Heat" thing. Jeez, come on folks, it's been a full three weeks now. Last night a man wearing an official LeBron James Miami Heat jersey at Cleveland Ind ... More >>

Miami Heat More "Evil" than Yankees, Says Drunk-on-Sorrow Cleveland Columnist

Associated Press​Cleveland has plenty of reasons to declare a municipal omerta on LeBron James. Using a live TV special to choose the Heat was the sporting version of that part in Carrie where the popular jock makes Sissy Spacek his prom date just to dump pig's blood all over her, only inste ... More >>

Florida Sports Arenas Flunk Health Inspections

Grilled chicken sandwich at Sun Life...is it safe?​ESPN's Outside the Lines has collected health department inspection reports for food and beverage vendors at 107 MLB, NBA, NHL, and NFL sports arenas in the United States and Canada. Each arena's percentages of "critical violations" were tallied - ... More >>

Marlins Fire Manager Fredi Gonzalez and Two Other Coaches

​Even after delivering a 10-4 win against the Baltimore Orioles last night, the Marlins have announced that they've fired manager Fredi Gonzalez and two other coaches: bench coach Carlos Tosca and hitting coach Jim Presley."It is never easy to make a change in managers. Fredi has been with ou ... More >>

Around Town: Lil Jon, Comics Convention, Paulina Rubio, and Father's Day Hogs

Worth his crunk weight in gold.​Friday Lil Jon crunks up the volume at Mansion tonight, where he'll perform a guest-DJ set. BYO chalice and maybe he'll fill it up with some of his pimp juice. Now that we have Mike Stanton, see what the Florida Marlins can do against the Tampa Bay Rays. The ... More >>

Marlins Will Hand Out 15,000 Vuvuzelas This Saturday

​The Marlins seem intent on bringing currently the most dreaded part of the world's favorite slow-paced, low-scoring sport to America's favorite slow-paced, low-scoring sport: the blasted vuvuzela. Yes, the first 15,000 people (assuming more than that actually show up) to head to Saturday nig ... More >>

Florida Marlins vs. Philadelphia Phillies: 1 Win, 1 Loss, and 1 Game Postponed

Denis Bancroft​Your Florida Marlins just finished their series with the Philadelphia Phillies last night. The series was highlighted by the much-anticipated call up and debut of Marlins phenom prospect Mike Stanton. And the kid did not disappoint. Wish the same could be said for the bullpen, which ... More >>

Stanton, Finally

Riptide Presents the All-Asshole Major League Baseball Team

Historically speaking, he's still in the Asshole Minor Leagues.​So Marlins shortstop Hanley Ramirez has apologized-- after much coercion--for not running after a kicked ball and then lashing out at his teammates and manager Fredi Gonzalez. He's been reinstated into his God-given spot in the ... More >>

Marlins to Play Mets Series in Puerto Rico

​Puerto Rico absolutely loves baseball. Too bad they don't have their own MLB team yet, but hey, apparently we're willing to lend them ours for a weekend. The AP reports that the Marlins June 28-30th series against the New York Mets will be played in San Juan, Puerto Rico. It'll go down at th ... More >>

Miami's World Series MVP: A-Rod

​As far as I know, there were two Miami boyz playing in the World Series -- A-Rod (Westminster) and Raul Ibanez (Sunset) -- as well as a lot of Dominicans and others who spend significant time here. Though Hideki Matsui won the MVP -- and he's a Yankee I generally don't despise -- I crown  A- ... More >>

Counterpoint: A-Rod is Still a Douche

Jacob KatelA-Rod has portraits of himself as a centaur above his bed. And we all know the centaur is the douchiest of all mythical creatures.​Maybe it's a bad idea to publicly disagree with your boss. But I gotta say, watching this postseason only confirmed my belief that Alex Rodriguez is a world ... More >>

Fanfare of the Vanities