BEST TOPLESS BEACH
Scientifically speaking, the highest density of toplessness in this urbanized region has been recorded at the official nude beach at Haulover Park. Using the latest global positioning satellite technologies, our researchers have determined this is still the case. But in science, as in art, quality and quantity are two entirely different forms of measurement. In the field of toplessness, gender and relativity also come to bear: Quality is determined not only by the observer but also by the observed (i.e., the topless). Our field-survey crews recently detected high rates of female toplessness along the southernmost reaches of South Beach, especially vectoring east from Third and Fourth streets. Smaller populations were observed as far north as the Eighteenth Street vector. One survey team also monitored a high concentration of chemically enhanced male toplessness somewhat south of that location on the sands east of the dilapidated Victor Hotel. For the topless who prefer solitude, our field experts recommend the northeastern curve of the beach at Key Biscayne's Cape Florida State Park, far from the gaze of scientific research.
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