Nickname: El Samurai
Real Name: Jerry Tamashiro
Claim to Fame: Played for Peruvian Champion Alianza Lima
Distinguishing Characteristics: "Has a good nose for the goal"
Current Status: Fusion Forward
Nickname: El Phibe
Real Name: Carlos Valderrama
Claim to Fame: Captain of the Columbian National Soccer Team
Distinguishing Characteristics: Blond Fright Wig
Current Status: Fusion Midfielder
Nickname: El Duque
Real Name: Orlando Hernandez
Claim to Fame: Half-Brother of Marlins World Seried MVP Levan Hernandez
Distinguishing Characteristics: May be five years older than his stated age of 28
Current Status: Defected from Cuba and looking to break into major league baseball
Nickname: El Papa
Real Name: Karol Wojtyla (Pope John Paul II)
Claim to Fame: Fidel Castro's Spiritual Advisor
Distinguishing Characteristics: Funny Hat
Current Status: Reportedly battling Parkinson's Disease
Nickname: El Nino
Real Name: El Nino
Claim to Fame: A weather phenomenon blamed for mudslides in Los Angeles, tornadoes in West Dade, and the Denver Broncos victory in the Super Bowl
Distinguishing Characteristics: Temperature Tantrums
Current Status: Destroyed Hialeah; may have played a role in this Monica Lewinsky thing