Sometimes Vampire Love Really Sucks

So you're a 16-year-old girl, and you desperately want to break off the illicit internet romance you've sparked with a 44-year-old vampire. What do you do? The only logical thing you can do: tell him that you're secretly a member of an elite vampire-hunting unit and that staying together would...

By Tim Elfrink

February 6, 2009

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So you're a 16-year-old girl, and you desperately want to break off the illicit internet romance you've sparked with a 44-year-old vampire. What do you do?

The only logical thing you can do: tell him that you're secretly a member of an elite vampire-hunting unit and that staying together would place his life in grave jeopardy.

Ah, young love.

You can read all about South Florida's bloody vampire scene in this week's New Times. But apparently they have quit a scene up in Rochester, Minn. as well, where police this week arrested the aforementioned 44-year-old -- John Alfred Sharkey, who's mug shot you really ought to check out -- for allegedly stalking the 16-year-old.

The old "I'm part of an elite vampire hunting unit so this really isn't going to work out" routine apparently didn't put off Mr. Sharkey, who calls himself "The Impaler" and has run for governor of Minnesota as a member of the storied Vampyres, Witches and Pagans Party. Which, we all know, is where Dick Cheney got started all those years ago ...

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Tim Elfrink is a former investigative reporter and managing editor for Miami New Times. He has won the George Polk Award and was a finalist for the Goldsmith Prize for Investigative Reporting.

Contact: Tim Elfrink

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Twitter: @timelfrinkmia