Every Friday, Riptide brings you the most eye-catching mugshots taken the previous week (or thereabouts) in Miami-Dade County. Yes, there is some mockery of bad neck tattoos, but also adulation directed at perps who just plain look more badass than we ever will. This is the italicized intro to that series.
Arrested: 1/1
Charges: Outstanding Fugitive Warrent, Battery on a Police Officer and Resisting Arrest
Yes, yes, the gnarly facial and ear bruises and his other tattoos deserve admiration, but don't let those take away from the main event here: his "money on my mind" tattoo right above his hairline. Genius. Granted, he's kind of ruined it otherwise, but this is perfect for those of you who both want a face tattoo and actually have money on your mind. Because there's no way anyone gets hired for a high paying gig with a tattoo placed above their neck unless they can cover it up by growing their hair out.
Arrested: 1/3
Charges: Disorderly Conduct and Resisting Arrest
"And do you spell your name with one 'I' or ... oh my god I'm so sorry, I didn't mean it like that."
Arrested: 1/6
Charges: Battery
Calm down everyone. No topless mugshot here. That does appear to be a bra strap in the bottom corner.
Arrested: 1/9
Charges: Domestic Violence, Aggravated Stalking, Petit Theft, Issuing a Worthless Check, and Harassing Communication
How dare you wear a pineapple print shirt sir! How dare you mar the good reputation of all pineapple print shirt wearing men everywhere with your behavior! Pineapple shirts are all about chill vibes and good times. Pineapple shirts are about indulging in margaritas at the marina bar. Pineapple shirts are about popping a few Viagras and making gentle love to your old lady to the erotic sounds of Jimmy Buffet. You sir have defiled the pineapple shirt. You have lost your pineapple shirt privileges.
Arrested: 1/6
Charges: Battery
Just two days after Mr. Middle Part here got arrested, BuzzFeed had a 25 point listicle on the "most important middle parts in all of history." So not only does that mean that the middle part is officially back, but it also means this guy beat BuzzFeed to their own nostalgia mongering game.
Arrested: 1/8
Charges: Trespassing After Warning
You thought your grandpa was a closed minded asshole on Thanksgiving when he told you long hair is for girls and you heard him mumbling "and god forbid he ends up in jail looking like that." Then you actually wind up in a Miami jail on some stupid charges, and all the sudden you're making your first appointment at the barber in years and sending Gramps a box of his favorite cigars.
Arrested: 1/8
Charges: Battery
"Wait, Lindsay Lohan did what now?"
Arrested: 1/9
Charges: Drug Possession and Paraphernalia
A crying mugshot might score you some sympathy with the right judge, but be careful. There are plenty of women in Miami-Dade jail who feed off the mythical healing power of white girl tears.
Arrested: 1/4
Charges: Assault and Resisting Arrest
Lots of wannabe bad asses try to scare us in their mugshots with their crazy face tattoos, wacky hair and bloody bruises. They all ain't got shit on this guy. He doesn't even need wardrobe. A true bad ass can scare the shit out of you with nothing more than disheveled hair and one stern "I may not have human emotions" look.
Follow Miami New Times on Facebook and Twitter @MiamiNewTimes.
