Every Friday, Riptide brings you the most eye-catching mugshots taken the previous week (or thereabouts) in Miami-Dade County. Yes, there is some mockery of bad neck tattoos, but also adulation directed at perps who just plain look more badass than we ever will. This is the italicized intro to that series. For mugshots from Broward and Palm Beach, check out The Pulp.
Arrested: 8/18
Charged with: Panhandling/solicitation
Mugshots Friday has featured its fair share of tattoos in its history: tear drops, bandanas on foreheads, more 305s and 786s than we can count. But they all must now bow to the King of Tattoos. Where do you even start with this guy? The eyebrows that look like sheet music? The fact that he has a unibrow with what looks like a bullet on his forehead? The droopy handlebar mustache? What appears to be a bowtie above his Adam's apple? The three-leaf (three-leaf!) clovers encased in psychedelic ninja stars on his neck? How much did he have to pay a tattoo artist to do all of this? He even has the "I killed a guy" tear on his cheek, which should surprise no one, because there's no way this guy hasn't pulled a knife on at least one person in his life. This is the closest I'm ever going to come to seeing the face of God.
Arrested: 8/17
Charged with: Panhandling/solicitation
Two straight weeks on Mugshots Friday for Mr. Earring, who apparently swapped his string of gumballs for a bell he stole off of a cat's collar. Ordinarily, a repeat offender with a piece of a Tibetan monastery hanging off his face would be the week's clear winner. But after the majesty of King Mustache of the Tattoo Realm, everyone else is playing for a very distant second place.
Arrested: 8/21
Charged with: Disorderly conduct, resisting arrest
Here's another guy who, on a regular week, would run away with this shit. After all, this is a man who believes so strongly in the idea of honor and self-pride that he got it permanently inscribed on his damn neck, then proceeds to make a duckface at the camera. But in the wake of The Prince of Regrettable Ink, all other tattooed felons must up their game something fierce.
Arrested: 8/21
Charged with: Out-of-state warrant (fugitive)
Why would a felon travel to Miami trying to escape a warrant? Simple: This man is actually a wise man of the Orient, come to pay homage to the Mustache Messiah. Based on the pot leaf inked on the guy's shoulder, it should be pretty easy to guess what his gift to the new king will be.
Arrested: 8/21
Charged with: Petit theft
There's no way anyone here has tattoos more goofily stupid than mine, this guy likely thought to himself as he walked into the police station, ready for his mugshot to ring out through eternity. After all, who would do something more asinine than put oblong tears and random numbers and whatever "LARAE" is on their face for all to see? Then he saw the photo of the Lord of the Mugshots, and he felt a great void inside of him. He closed his eyes, his tears of ink mingling with the tears that silently coursed down his cheeks, and the camera flashed.
Arrested: 8/18
Charged with: Cocaine possession
Speaking of camera flash: Geeze, Miami-Dade police photographers, go easy on the lights, huh? This poor guy must feel like the Mustache Messiah's three-leaf-clover ninja stars just went flying by his face.
Arrested: 8/19
Charged with: Marijuana possession
You'd think someone with the word "CUTTHROAT" written across their neck in dripping blood would be in jail for something a bit more hardcore than having a few grams of pot. I expected it would be something like her throwing chainsaws at police or trying to blow up a hospital. The Lord of the Mugshots laughs at your pathetic ink, Cutthroat.
Arrested: 8/21
Charged with: Aggravated battery
Keep in mind, this guy was booked for committing battery, and yet he looks like he got thrown through a concrete wall. My guess: He tried to lay a hand on our favorite face-tatted man, and this was his deserving result. (And for those who've grown tired of my reverence/gimmick, this week's post is almost over, and I'm not sorry. There, I said it.)
Arrested: 8/20
Charged with: Cocaine possession
Take us home with the last hot track of the night, DJ Spinderella. The King of Tattoos wishes to feast and be merry.
Follow Miami New Times on Facebook and Twitter @MiamiNewTimes.
