LeBron James' Handy Miami Primer

Hey there, LeBron, why are you riding your bicycle around Opa-Locka? What's that, you're lost and disoriented? Well, fold this handy primer into your pocket and South Florida will seem just like home, you'll see! "Cleveland rocks": "I'm in Miami Bitch" Polish: Cuban Pasty whiteness: Orange luminescence Love handles: Liposuction...

By Gus Garcia-Roberts

July 9, 2010

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Hey there, LeBron, why are you riding your bicycle around Opa-Locka? What's that, you're lost and disoriented? Well, fold this handy primer into your pocket and South Florida will seem just like home, you'll see!

"Cleveland rocks": "I'm in Miami Bitch"

Polish: Cuban

Pasty whiteness: Orange luminescence

Love handles: Liposuction

Great Lakes six pack: Cocaine eight-ball

Home invasions: Ponzi schemes

Burning river: Oil spill

East Fourth: Calle Ocho

Sokolowski's University Inn: Versailles Cafe

Pierogi: Empanada

Drew Carey: Gloria Estefan

Chicago: Havana

Empty factories: Empty condos

Crippling unemployment: Crippling unemployment

Depression: Delusion

Homers: Snowbirds

Moving to New York to succeed: Moving from New York to die

Corn hole: Bocce

Bone Thugs N' Harmony: 2 Live Crew

Jim Brown: Don Shula

"The Q": Uh, "Triple-A"?

Unconditional love with a side of unhealthy obsession: Extreme expectations with a side of apathy

~~Art Modell~~ LeBron James: Fidel Castro

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