See also "Ten Most Musical Politicians Ever: Barry Obama, Mitt the Mormon Honky, and Others!" and "DEVO's New Song About Mitt Romney's Dog-on-Roof Incident."
There is an old conservative adage that goes something like, "There ain't no party like a right-wing party, 'cause a right-wing party don't stop."
Party in this instance does not refer to a political caucus. But, in fact, an actual leisure-time celebration, complete with porn stars, music legends, and a Southern-rock themed nü-metal MC who may or may not have given/contracted Hepatitus to/from Pamela Anderson.
In an election year, there's no bigger party than the mass gathering of illuminati millionaires and self-defeating poor people than the Republican National Convention.
Just check the cut for Crossfade's five hottest parties at the 2012 edition of the GOP's Super Bowl.
5. Three Doors Down on the RNC Main Stage
At the 1968 Democratic National Convention in Chicago, the MC5 kicked out the jams while hippies, radicals, and student activists -- revved up by their passion for Civil Rights and ending the Vietnam War -- brawled in the streets with riot cops. At the 2012 Republican National Convention, a sausage-faced opponent of gay marriage will purchase an extra large order of nacho freedom fries, and spill Cheez Whiz all over his foam "Paul Ryan #1" hand, while Three Doors Down plays "Kryptonite." Compare, contrast, and draw your own conclusions.
4. Lynyrd Skynyrd Serenades Ann the Mormon Honky
Although the Southern rock legends had an RNC appearance canceled yesterday due to Tropical Storm Isaac, Lynyrd Skynyrd are still scheduled to pay tribute to Mitt the Mormon Honky's beloved wife, Ann Romney, with the title track from their latest album, "Last of a Dyin' Breed." The band will also be performing the Republican National Convention's theme song: "Sweet Home Alabama."
3. Sarah Palin's Porn Doppelganger Can See Putin's Dick From Her House
Thus far, Tampa's world-renowned titty bar scene has reported disappointing figures despite an anticipated trickle down from the Cigar City's sudden influx of wealthy right-wing hornballs. Everyone knows Republicans secretly love everything they pretend to hate, like homosexuality and Michelle Obama's style. So what gives? Why hasn't the convention resulted in the predicted influx of hypocritical boners? Our theory is that all of the business was over at Thee Doll House, where Sarah Palin's porn doppelganger, Lisa Ann, was doing her "mama grizzly" routine.
2. Zac Brown Band Entertains The One-Percent
The Zac Brown Band is performing a private concert for the American Petroleum Institute, the self-described trade group that concerns itself with "all aspects of America's oil and natural gas industry." No admixture could better encapsulate the spirit of the Republican party than the roots music of farmers, workers, outlaw cowboy vagabonds, and North American peasants, as performed for an audience of oil tycoons.
1. Kid Rock Suckin' on Titties at Invite-Only Fundraiser
Recently, Rolling Stone asked a Romney spokesperson if the campaign was aware of Kid Rock's salacious lyrical content, like, "I like pussy/Suckin' on titties/Fucked a lot of different bitches/From a bunch of different cities" and "Been fuelin' up on cocaine and whiskey." The aid said they would "get back to them." (They never did.) For our part, Crossfade thinks the Romney campaign needs to just come clean and own up to the fact that, back in the day, Mitt used to hang with Joe C. And, yes. He inhaled.
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