Forget the candy ... Halloween in Miami is all about getting drunk and laid.
That's why we here at Crossfade advise against wearing ultra-creepy costumes. 'Cause almost no one (except maybe that family member whose 4Chan screename is "Uncle Fester") wants to have sex with a dead nun or killer clown.
So if you're a single and available trick-or-treater over the age of 21, here is our three-part plan for boozing and floozing on All Hallows' Eve in the MIA: (1) Dress up as either a big dick in a lubricated Magnum XL condom or a slutty whatever; (2) Slam so many Candy Corn Vodka shots that it becomes impossible to even slur some lame pickup line like "I wanna Monster Mash you"; and (3) Consult Crossfade's Halloween guide before Uncle Fester lures you to the St. Succubus' Greasepaint Morgue party in his basement.
See also: Miami's Ten Best Halloween 2013 Parties
Heaven & Hell Lingerie Party. Presented by InterASSional Wednesdays. Wednesday, October 23, 10 p.m., Mokai, 235 23rd St., Miami Beach; 305-673-1409; mokaimiami.com. Ages 21 and up.
Wynwood Halloween Extravaganza Music Carnival. With midway rides, unlimited beer, and a "zombie zone" afterparty with DJs Julian Ingrosso, Chicco Secci, and others. Friday, October 25, 4 p.m. to midnight, Wynwood Village, 318 NW 23rd St., Miami; wynwoodmusiccarnival.com. Tickets cost $25 to $180 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 18 and up for afterparty.
Halloween at Penthouse 50. With DJs Nikolas and Lazardi. Friday, October 25, 10 p.m., Fifty at the Viceroy Hotel, 485 Brickell Ave., Miami; 305-503-4417; viceroymiami.com. Ages 21 and up.
Jokers Asylum: Black Fridays Halloween Bash. With burlesque by Morgan La Rue, Val Vampyre, and Lisa Ann, as well as hosts Matt "Joker" Havoc and Carlos "Batman" Blanchard, plus DJs LinderSMASH, Lorenzo DjKaos Fernandez, and others. Friday, October 25, 10 p.m., The Vagabond, 30 NE 14th St., Miami; 305-379-0508; thevagabondmiami.com. Admission costs $5 to $10. Ages 21 and up.
Wynwood Halloween Extravaganza Music Carnival. With midway rides, unlimited beer, and a "zombie zone" afterparty with DJs Julian Ingrosso, Chicco Secci, and others. Saturday, October 26, noon to midnight, Wynwood Village, 318 NW 23rd St., Miami; wynwoodmusiccarnival.com. Tickets cost $25 to $180 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 18 and up for afterparty.
Armageddon 2013: SAVE Dade's 19th Annual Halloween Ball. With Tracy Young, plus FR8-DO and Bill James. Saturday, October 26, 10 p.m., Miami Beach Convention Center, 1901 Convention Center Dr., Miami Beach; 305-673-7311; miamibeachconvention.com. Tickets cost $100 and up plus fees via savedadehalloween.eventbrite.com.
Back in Black. With Dimitri Vegas & Like Mike, David Tort, and Wolfpack. Saturday, October 26, 10 p.m., Mansion, 1235 Washington Ave., Miami Beach; 305-695-8411; mansionmiami.com. Tickets cost $30 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up.
Nightmare On The Beach. Presented by the Little Lighthouse Foundation. With music by Lee Kalt and performances from Cirque de Mansion. Saturday, October 26, 8 p.m. to 2 a.m., Villa Vecchia, 4821 Pine Tree Dr., Miami Beach. Tickets cost $ via nightmareonthebeach.com. Ages 21 and up.
Nightmare on the Beach Afterparty. Presented by the Little Lighthouse Foundation. With Julian Ingrosso. Saturday, October 26, 11 p.m., SET, 320 Lincoln Rd., Miami Beach; 305-531-2800; setmiami.com. Ages 21 and up.
Dance Ritual With Louie Vega: Halloween Edition. With Shameless Burlesque and resident DJs. Saturday, October 26, 10 p.m., The Vagabond, 30 NE 14th St., Miami; 305-379-0508; thevagabondmiami.com. Tickets cost $10 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up.
Panorama Saturdays' Bondage Halloween Costume Party. With DJs Paul E and Joseph Anthony, as well as host Nicolle Delgado, and featuring Pierce Cruise, Mr. President, Del, and Randy Singer. Saturday, October 26, 10 p.m., Fifty at the Viceroy Hotel, 485 Brickell Ave., Miami; 305-503-4417; viceroymiami.com. Tickets cost $20 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up.
Penthouse Halloween Party: The Last Dance. With Thomas Jack and Mednas. Saturday, October 26, 11 p.m., LIV, 4441 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-674-4680; livnightclub.com. Tickets cost $60 to $90 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up.
Resorts World Bimini and Gerry Kelly's Studio 54 Halloween Extravaganza Cruise. With DJ Vertigo. Saturday, October 26, boarding begins at 8 p.m. and the cruise departs at 10, from Port of Miami, Terminal J, aboard the Resorts World Bimini Superfast. Tickets cost $39.95 per person plus fees via eventbrite.com. Ages 18 and up.
Halloween Metal Monsterfest. With Detonate Zero, Lacerate Kingdom, Makhai, Shadow Reborn, and others. Saturday, October 26, 9 p.m., Churchill's Pub, 5501 NE Second Ave., Miami; 305-757-1807; churchillspub.com. Ages 18 and up.
Tobacco Road's Halloween Bluesfest. With Eric Lindel, Albert Castiglia, and Iko-Iko, plus Joel Dasilva & the Midnight Howl. Saturday, October 26, 8 p.m., Tobacco Road, 626 S. Miami Ave., Miami; 305-374-1198; tobacco-road.com. Tickets cost $10 plus fees via brownpapertickets.com. Ages 21 and up.
Halloween Open House 2013. With Gor-D, Tony Choy, Problem Kids, DD LUxz, and others. Presented by Kiwanis of Little Havana. Saturday, October 26, 10 p.m., The Stage, 170 NE 38th St., Miami; 305-576-9577; thestagemiami.com. Tickets cost $35 plus fees via kiwanishalloween.com. Ages 21 and up.
Grave Robbers From Outer Space. With Boris, Hot Since 82, Matador, and Valentino Khan. Saturday, October 26, 11 p.m., Space, 34 NE 11th St., Miami; 305-375-0001; clubspace.com. Tickets cost $25 to $35 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up.
Wynwood Halloween Extravaganza Music Carnival. With midway rides, unlimited beer, and a "zombie zone" afterparty with DJs Julian Ingrosso, Chicco Secci, and others. Sunday, October 27, noon to midnight, Wynwood Village, 318 NW 23rd St., Miami; wynwoodmusiccarnival.com. Tickets cost $25 to $180 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 18 and up for afterparty.
Kiss Kruise III Pre-Party. Benefiting Sophie's Place, Child Advocacy Centre. Sunday, October 27, 3 p.m. to 3 a.m., Will Call, 700 NE Second Ave., Miami; 305-577-5900; willcallmiami.com. Tickets cost $10 via kkiii-the-preparty.eventbrite.com.
RL Grime. Tuesday, October 29, 10 p.m., Grand Central, 697 N. Miami Ave., Miami; 305-377-2277; grandcentralmiami.com. Tickets cost $15 plus fees via ticketfly.com. Ages 18 and up.
Gays of Gramps: Hallowiener Spook-tacular! Presented by the Ghouls of Gramps, AKA Girls of Gramps. With host and DJ Sean Bennett. Wednesday, October 30, 6 p.m., 176 NW 24th St., Miami; 786-752-6693; grampsbar.com. Featuring a costume contest, Paris Is Burning and Rocky Horror Picture Show screenings, and $2-off happy hours (6 to 9 p.m. and midnight to 3 a.m.), plus $16 bottles of champagne and free chicken wings all night.
Armand Pena's Toga Party. With DJ Strizy. Wednesday, October 30, 10 p.m., Clevelander Hotel's C-Level Rooftop Terrace, 1020 Ocean Dr., Miami Beach; 305-532-4006; clevelander.com. Tickets cost $10 to $20 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up.
Wolfgang Gartner's Halloween Eve. With Ruen and Mike Deuce. Wednesday, October 30, 11 p.m., LIV, 4441 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-674-4680; livnightclub.com. Tickets cost $30 to $60 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up.
Rose Max Halloween Samba Bash. Wednesday, October 30, 10 p.m., PAX, 337 SW Eighth St., Miami; 305-640-5847; paxmiami.com. Tickets cost $5 plus fees via ticketfly.com. Ages 21 and up.
Black Swan Halloween Edition. Inspired by the ballet Swan Lake. Presented by My Boyfriend Is Out of Town. Wednesday, October 30, 7 p.m., Baoli, 1906 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-674-8822; baoli-group.com. Tickets cost $65 to $100 plus fees via baolimiami.com/blackswan. Ages 21 and up.
Reel Horror Ball. With Craze, Afrobeta, Armand Pena, Paul E, Psyberpixie, DJ Vertigo, and Mikey Beatz. Thursday, October 31, 8 p.m., Moore Building, 4040 NE Second Ave., Miami. Tickets cost $40 and up plus fees via reelhorrorball.com/tickets.
Rat Bastard's Halloween Night. With JellyFish Brothers, Astrokats, Kenny Millions, Emile, Xela Zaid, Terrorist, Samsara, For the Virgin Mary, and others. Thursday, October 31, 9 p.m., Churchill's Pub, 5501 NE Second Ave., Miami; 305-757-1807; churchillspub.com. Ages 18 and up.
Los Rabanes Latin Rock Halloween. Thursday, October 31, 9 p.m., PAX, 337 SW Eighth St., Miami; 305-640-5847; paxmiami.com. Tickets cost $20 plus fees via flavorus.com. Ages 21 and up.
The Stage Halloween. With Heavy Pets and Stokeswood, plus Greenhouse Lounge and DJ Sire. Thursday, October 31, 9 p.m., The Stage, 170 NE 38th St., Miami; 305-576-9577; thestagemiami.com. Admission costs $10. Ages 21 and up.
Boys Noize. Thursday, October 31, 10 p.m., Grand Central, 697 N. Miami Ave., Miami; 305-377-2277; grandcentralmiami.com. Tickets cost $25 plus fees via ticketfly.com. Ages 18 and up.
Playboy Halloween Masquerade. With Miss July 2012, Shelby Chesnes, and Miss February 2013, Shawn Dillon. Thursday, October 31, 10 p.m., Hyde Beach at SLS Hotel, 1701 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-674-1701; hydebeach.com. Tickets cost $30 and up plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up.
Halloween: Festival of Freaks. With Suenalo and Mr. Pauer, plus DJs Contra and Sharpsound. Thursday, October 31, 10 p.m., Blackbird Ordinary, 729 SW First Ave., Miami; 305-671-3307; blackbirdordinary.com. No cover. Ages 21 and up.
DJ Kaos and the Electric Pickle's Halloween Special. With Will Renuart. Thursday, October 31, 10 p.m., Electric Pickle, 2826 N. Miami Ave., Miami; 305-456-5613; electricpicklemiami.com. Ages 21 and up.
Candyland. With DJs Cocodrills, Bianca Linta, Robbie Moroder, Juanjo Fenoy, Morgan Zulu, and Lazardi. Thursday, October 31, 10 p.m., Fifty at the Viceroy Hotel, 485 Brickell Ave., Miami; 305-503-4417; viceroymiami.com. Tickets cost $25 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up.
Walloween With Robbie Rivera. With Sick Individuals. Presented by Michael Capponi, Michael Martin and Matt Werner. Thursday, October 31, 10 p.m., Wall Lounge, 2201 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-938-3131; wallmiami.com. Tickets cost $50 to $60 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up.
Miss Nine's Transylvanian Halloween. With Axel Beca, Hugo M, and N'dy. Thursday, October 31, 11 p.m, Bamboo Miami Beach, 550 Washington Ave., Miami Beach; 305-695-4771; bamboomiamibeach.com. Tickets cost $20 to $30 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up.
Pimps and Hoes Halloween. With Damaged Goods and DJ Konflikt. Thursday, October 31, 11 p.m., SET, 320 Lincoln Rd., Miami Beach; 305-531-2800; setmiami.com. Tickets cost $30 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up.
Rony Seikaly's Halloween Night. Thursday, October 31, 11 p.m., Mansion, 1235 Washington Ave., Miami Beach; 305-695-8411; mansionmiami.com. Tickets cost $20 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up.
Cedric Gervais' Halloween Sh!T Show With Mednas and Nick Hogan. Thursday, October 31, 11 p.m., LIV, 4441 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-674-4680; livnightclub.com. Tickets cost $40 to $60 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up.
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