Green holiday lights and white snowflakes dangled from the branches of Wood Tavern's patio tree. It was time to Backyard Boogie 'round the Christmas tree.
The weather was a perfect 70 degrees, the sangria was flowing, and the festive lights were gleaming. It was definitely beginning to look and feel a lot like XXXMas, and the little elves at Wood were feeling hella naughty.
Sharing tales of threesomes, blowjobs, and mistletoe, here are five wild Santa stories, as told by the party freaks at Wood.
See also: Ten Dirtiest Latin Sex Songs, According to Miami Club Freaks
A Holiday Surprise
Carlo was sipping from a red Solo cup by the bar with his friend.
"My naughtiest Christmas story? I have to think about that one," he pondered.
"Oh, I have one for you," he said. "This was before I came out of the closet and had a girlfriend. She was spending Christmas with my family.
"One night, we went to the Vagabond. I met a guy, Gabriel, and we exchanged numbers," Carlo recalled. "He asked me what I was doing later, and I told him I was celebrating Christmas with my family.
"On Christmas Eve, he called me saying he was outside my house. I recorded his name as 'Ana' [on my phone], so I told my girlfriend that I was going to get a coworker. I went outside, and we gave each other a blowjob.
"It was a Merry Christmas, bitch!" he laughed. "The next day, I told her I was gay and broke up with her."
Guess Carlo definitely made it on the naughty list that year.
A Dirty Christmas
"I went backpacking across Europe a few years ago," said Julian. "I was in Amsterdam. All of the hostels and hotels are very expensive there, so I was looking for a place to stay for the night.
"I wanted to find a place where I would be safe and wouldn't get mugged or anything," he explained. "So I figured a good place would be in front of Anne Frank's house.
"There was a bench there, and I slept on that bench for three days," he recalled. "And for those three days, I wore the same exact clothes and didn't shower. It was the dirtiest I've ever been."
Sounds like Julian had a dirty Christmas. Literally.
A Christmas Miracle
Michelle Levy was dancing by the low rider with his lady friend.
"I'm from Guatemala, and Christmas there is very different," he explained. "We're always partying.
"This one Christmas, we went to a lake surrounded by mountains. There was a party on the edge of the lake, and everyone was drinking and getting high.
"This one guy starts walking into the lake. We didn't realize it was shallow, so it looked like he was walking on water," he described.
"We we're all like, 'Wow, he's walking on water!'" Levy laughed. "Then all of a sudden, he disappeared. I guess there was a drop and he just fell into it."
Eggnog and a Threesome
"Our naughtiest Christmas story?" pondered Rose, "Well, we're gonna have a threesome in five years.
"Is this your proposed five-year plan together?"
"Yeah, we're gonna do it on Christmas Day by a campfire with eggnog, but not too much because I don't want to be sloppy," she laughed.
Fair enough.
Home for X-Mas
"A few years ago, I spent Christmas with my girlfriend at her family's house," said Daniel who was watching a game of giant Jenga.
"We had sex in her room, while her family was in the other room. While we we're fooling around, her mom called her from down the hallway," he laughed. "She kept her cool and said, 'Be there in a moment.'"
Sounds like Daniel and his girlfriend had a happy Christmas that year.
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