Glistening Pecs Awareness Month

Every October, pink ribbons pinned to chests remind us of the ongoing battle against breast cancer. Meanwhile, the sheen of oil and sweat on jiggling pecs squished into a cage reminds us that once again, WWE’s Hell in a Cell is here at last. This year is different, however, and not because breast cancer has finally been cured, but because the annual pay-per-view wrestling event is going down for the first time in Miami, at the American Airlines Arena (601 Biscayne Blvd., Miami). It might also be Clergy Appreciation Month, but didn’t you already spend enough time with your rabbi in September? National Stamp Collecting Month? Collect a stamp off this postcard: “Dear Stamp Collecting Month: We don’t care. Signed, Wrestling Is Awesome. P.S. Zzzzzzzz… <— u give us sleepz.” Hell in a Cell is traditionally one of the more intense WWE spectacles because the main events take place inside a 20-foot-tall cage. Within the cage, a young, earnest wrestler soon finds there is no escape from the sweaty maniac who will stop at nothing to beat all comers into submission. Wait, 20-foot ceilings? Actually, as long as the maniac doesn’t keep eating the leftover Chinese food we were saving for tomorrow’s lunch, this sounds a lot better than our current living arrangement. If you witnessed the controversy of last month’s Battleground, you know that not only are we dealing with a government shutdown and a humanitarian crisis in East Africa, but there also isn’t a current WWE champion. At least one of these problems will be solved Sunday night during the title bout between Randy Orton and Daniel Bryan. Opponents of continued controversy should take comfort in the fact that Shawn Michaels, AKA the Heartbreak Kid, has been selected by WWE fans to be a special guest referee. Michaels, longtime fans will remember, won the first Hell in a Cell match in 1997, so he has a vested interest in protecting the legacy of the cage match. The special will also include the long-awaited return of John Cena, who will take on Alberto Del Rio. There will also be a match between the always-divisive CM Punk and Ryback. You, however, should not feel imprisoned in a metal cage, because you have two options for watching this year’s Hell in a Cell. You could be like everyone else and just order the pay-per-view ($44.95), which begins broadcasting at 7:30 p.m. Or, because you are in the Magic City, you can actually go to the event in person.
Sun., Oct. 27, 7:30 p.m., 2013