New Times:What makes you so irresistible?
Jackfruit:Well, I do more than just offer shade and help reduce energy costs. I soak up rainwater and beautify land, thereby raising its value. I provide a home for animals and play space for kids. I also grow fast and produce the largest tree-borne fruit (up to 36 inches long and 20 inches in diameter) in the world -- wink, wink, nudge, nudge.
What's the best way to keep you happy?
Plant me in full sun, at least 30 feet away from power lines and 16 feet away from your house. And water me, damnit! I need a drink when you plant me and for an entire year after. Don't fertilize me for six months and for God's sake, keep those pruning shears away from me for at least a year.
Do you have any desire to be reunited with your biological parents?
Uh, no. I'm a politically correct tree, created in some random nursery and given away by the government. Plus, I wouldn't want to offend my adopted family.
To loosely quote Barbara Walters, who supposedly once asked Katharine Hepburn this question: "If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?"
I AM a tree! Is that supposed to be funny, sister? Watch it!