Hello, humans. Princess Penelope here. I'm a 6-year-young rescue dog with a winning personality and a charming bark. My puppy-dog eyes could melt even the iciest of human hearts. Mama says I'm her wittle baby — and I'm the envy of all the neighborhood canines. Naturally, Mommy's sweetheart gets only the best: home-cooked chow, bedtime stories, rhinestone-studded collars. And when my madre leaves town, I need the highest maintenance money can buy. Luckily, she puts me up at Wynwood's hippest resort, D.O.G., where the happy, gentle staff waits on me hand and foot. My days are chock full of acupuncture, aromatherapy, massage, treadmill workouts, playtime with other pups, and gourmet treats. At night, I sleep on a silk pillow with my favorite stuffed bunny by my side. And I get Skype dates with my mom every afternoon. I take classes, too, for personal enrichment. Soon I'll be a certified therapy dog. Prices range from $18 for a half-day to $30 for a full day, and $180 will get me a week of posh digs so you'll still have plenty of cash to buy me bacon when you get home. Honestly, at D.O.G. I get better treatment than Paris Hilton's pretentious little Chihuahua does on a daily basis. Eat your heart out, Tinkerbell.

Let's get something straight right this second: Your dog is not a toy — not even if it's a toy breed. Rover doesn't need a spiked collar to show how tough he is. Princess can walk on her own four legs and doesn't need to be carried in your purse, thank you very much. And unless it's Halloween or really cold outside, no dog needs to wear clothing. Ever. Certainly not tutus, tiaras, or other ridiculous accouterments normally reserved for toddler pageant queens. Your job as dog owner is simple: Provide for the health of your dog. And sometimes it's not easy. Pups these days have all sorts of issues, such as allergies and special dietary needs, just like their human providers. And like humans, they're also subject to greedy food corporations packing their cheap-o product with filler instead of nutritious ingredients. Both can leave your pet feeling ill — and leave owners with the unenviable task of cleaning up after Fido gets sick on the rug again. Happily, Miami dog owners can turn to Animal Crackers for their food-based needs. The store carries many brands and types of dog food that you just can't find at PetSmart, including specialty items for pups with allergies or sensitivities to commonly used ingredients. Think brands such as Fromm, Canidae, Weruva, and Nature's Variety, rather than your typical Iams. Animal Crackers' delivery service will have your pet's food on your doorstep within 24 hours if it's in stock; if what you're looking for isn't in the store, they'll do their best to order it for you specially. The store also carries treats, vitamins and supplements, and accessories you and your pet actually need, like balls for retrieving, odor-eliminating cleaning solutions for "accidents," and chew toys that'll save your shoes. And the staff is so friendly that if you did show up with your dog in a dress, they'd refrain from mocking you until you left the store. Frankly, that's better than you'd deserve.

This Killian Senior High graduate is so famous in the canine community that pooches from Country Walk to the Hammocks ask for him by name. Serving West Kendall since 1986, Dr. Jeffrey L. Davidson practices by the motto "A lifetime of care for the life of your pet." And he's helped generations of cats, dogs, fish, lizards, goats, and even monkeys live long and prosper. Davidson, who earned his veterinary degree in Gainesville, also has an ardent fan club of pet parents who appreciate his candor and commitment to their precious furry friends. His staff offers everything from six-month exams to checkups tailored to older pets, dental work, parasite protection, and microchipping. Whether Fluffy has a broken leg or Polly the parrot caught a cough on the high seas, Dr. D has you covered.

Lingerie is the weapon of choice for seduction. It's time to make sure you're well armed. Thankfully, Miami has the killer lacy armory to stock up for any sexual battle for attention. Eberjey Intimates is Dade's ultimate stop for lingerie, loungewear, and swimwear. Founders Ali Mejia and Mariela Rovito, who recognize what makes a gal feel fierce in her undies, have curated a staggering collection of fashion cuts that have been featured in the wardrobes of femme fatales such as Liv Tyler, Cameron Diaz, and Keira Knightley. There's everything from an eco-friendly green line to couture swimwear, but the real draw are the bras, panties, and teddies. There's also a valet and convenient storefront parking, making for a quick getaway if you're in a hurry to, uh, nail your target, so to speak.

Walk into Miami's Vice. No, really, walk on in. Because you won't find any hard-core scenes on a flat-screen TV or even a table full of dildos waiting for you up front, but a wall of tasteful, film-noir pinups separating customers from the merch. That's exactly the kind of discreet touch that sets Miami's Vice apart from its competitors. This adult store carries the crème de la crème of pornography. First, this kink is green, thanks to solar-powered panels on the building. The friendly, uniformed staff members have extensive knowledge of what they carry, and the whole place is clean, with no creepy viewing booths or glory holes. There are leather recliners in case you get exhausted from checking out the ridiculously well-stocked boutique. The clothing wall has a large assortment of lingerie, frilly things, and corsets of all colors; a moderately sized selection of shoes; and a section of men's underwear. There's a fetish room and multiple walls arranged by categories such as bachelorette, candy, body wands, incense, vibrators, and tons of other unmentionables. There's also a DVD room, with a larger selection than most adult stores, arranged by category with decently priced films and discount rates. If you're more into touching than watching, Miami's Vice carries high-end toys — you know, the kind that usually sell for upward of $200 and don't even come with batteries? They're on sale here. There's even a free gift-wrapping station so customers can bundle their sexy goodies. Don't miss Wednesdays, when ladies receive 20 percent off everything in the store. If all of that isn't enough to draw you into this sex shop, it's one of the few in Miami that carry edible condoms. Feeling dirty never felt so classy.

Sure, Chris Nuñez, of Miami Ink and Ink Master fame, is the man behind HandCrafted Tattoo and Art Gallery. But that's only one reason why this place should be your new favorite spot to get tatted up. The place hardly feels like a tattoo shop. You won't find drunken spring breakers here asking for a butterfly tramp stamp. If it feels more like an art gallery, that's because it is. Pieces adorn the walls, both in the front as well as in a much larger, white-walled gallery space in the back. The shop's best design detail is an anchor embedded right into the lobby floor. Of course, there's also a tattooing area where everything looks spotless — clinically so. And in addition to Nuñez, other ink specialists are Jamie Ryscik and Twig Sparks, as well as artists from all across the globe who sometimes pop in for a visit. (Nuñez's notoriety comes in handy like that.) Plus, despite Nuñez's fame, you won't find TV cameras here following anyone around. This is a sanctuary for both art and tattoos, and that's a glorious place to be.

For some, getting a body piercing is a rite of passage. For others, it's a declaration of independence and individuality. And for the rest of us, it's just effing cool. Whether you want an additional hole in your ear or nose, the mom-taunting tongue stud, or something more intimate, Tattoos by Lou is the place to get it done. Piercings are performed in individual rooms for utmost privacy, and prices are beyond reasonable. Want a hole above the belt? It's $50, depending on the jewelry. Below the belt? Around $100. So next time you're in the mood to do something to shake things up, head to Lou's and get some new holes.

In Miami, our spirits need regular cleansing the way car windows need a good scrubbing every winter in the Midwest. Down here, it's not dirty snow mucking up the windshield; it's our sin-soaked beaches of bare flesh and shady people polluting our souls. So think of Five Sisters as the drive-thru car wash for your spiritual well-being. With eight spiritual healers on call to give you insight and clarity, Five Sisters isn't the kind of dingy storefront that comes to mind when you hear the word psychic. Inside a strip mall a few blocks off South Dixie Highway in East Kendall, the comfortable shop offers services from astrologers, mediums, and tarot card readers, as well as consciousness channeling, lightwave therapy, and everything in between. Prices range from $30 to $55 per half-hour to $90 an hour depending upon the service. In addition to the daily offerings, Five Sisters also hosts a plethora of semiregular events such as past-life regression sessions, ascension therapy, and chakra replenishing. There are even weekly yoga classes for only $10, so you can clear your mind, spirit, and body.

It's about time you got right with the gods, papa. Calamities are no laughing matter, and it seems like tu suerte is just getting worse. You require help from on high, and you'll need to be properly equipped if you want to get in touch with Changó, Obatala, and the rest of the pantheon of orishas whose help you so desperately seek. Open for 25 years, Almacen de Botanica Monzon Bros. II looks more like a warehouse of Yoruba goods than a simple shop. The immense store carries everything from santeros' scimitars and horse-hair fly-whisks ($45 each) to six-foot-tall Indian chiefs ($850) and faux human skulls ($25) to keep the spirits in check. And if you want to make elekes (bead collars) to keep the orishas in your corner and around your neck, you'll have no trouble, because Monzon Bros. II appears to have every size, shape, and color bead conceivably necessary to wrap yourself in good vibras. Better hurry up — El Viejo San Lazaro is always waiting at the door, and somehow he looks like he's expecting you.

Luca Castaldo easily commands a room. The Italian hairstylist has been a staple in Miami since 2005, when he began working at Contesta Rock Hair, an Italian salon chain with an outpost on Española Way. Even in a small salon full of big personalities, he still stole the show with a loyal clientele who would wait for hours, if needed, until his chair opened up. So it only makes sense that Luca would take that magnetic persona and go into business for himself. In 2012, he opened Bleach Hair Addiction in the Shops at Midtown. Unlike his last perch on Española Way, parking here isn't a problem for Castaldo's loyal customers. We've all encountered our fair share of snooty salon employees, but you won't find them at Bleach, where the staff is friendly and ready to offer complimentary wine, beer, or water. This isn't Supercuts, so expect to pay a price for a quality cut, starting at $40 for men and $50 for women. Prices jump from there, but rest assured the cost is worth it. Don't trust just anybody with your hair. Trust Luca.