Sarah Silverman has some big matzo balls (or as we say in Miami, cajones). She is Jewish (and runs the media). Therefore, people laugh when she makes fun of the Holocaust or says things like, “When God gives you AIDS, make lemon AIDS.” Yeah, real funny. As part of her stand-up routine, she talks serious shit about civil-rights leader Martin Luther King Jr., “I have a dream too,” she says, “Martin …loser … King …” What the fuck? Why is the audience even laughing at that sort of joke?
I had an assignment. I was to interview a hot-shot celebrity, that I was slowly developing a major crush on. I fantasized about phone sex with her. I would sit at my cubicle, studying her performances on YouTube. I dreamed of taking those back-stage bong hits with her. I begged for a phone interview, but Sarah’s publicist kept saying, “No way!” and hanging up on me. Oh, I get it; Sarah is at the top of her game right now. She does not give phone interviews, especially to balding free-lance writers in Miami. “Jesus Is Magic,” I would email the publicist, “Jesus will make sure that I interview Sarah Silverman.” The publicist ignored it at first, but she eventually gave in to my attack. Sarah Silverman was kind and gracious enough to answer my questions, but strictly via email through the publicist. Her answers are surprisingly ... funny. -- Jason Handelsman
New Times: How do I know that Sarah Silverman is answering these questions? Give us some cheese!
Sarah Silverman: It's me! I'm too cheap a Jew to pay someone to do it for me.
NT: I wrote an article about an aspiring comedian/ crack head here in Miami, any advice for him?
SS: Hm..that sounds like a question designed to get me to read something
you wrote... How about, "don't do crack?"
NT: On your TV show this week, did you really lick that dog's anus?
SS: Yeah. I'm so method. There's no way the show would seem real if I didn't really lick my dog's ass.
NT: I wrote an article about "Jesus is Magic," do you ever get the feeling that He really is?
SS:Another one? Jason - this is really transparent... Nice. Well written.
NT: Have you ever been to Miami before?
SS: Only a couple of times. To be honest I can't wait.
NT: Do you like Slayer?
SS: Jason! Are you fucking serious with sending me your articles? This is why you don't get girls! I have nothing but respect for Slayer, though it's not my personal cup of tea. They are one of Brian Posehn's all time favorite bands, and I love Brian.
NT: What really happened between Tommy Lee and Kid Rock?
SS: In a crazy twist of events they had STRAIGHT sex with each other.
NT: Have you ever had the new Dominoes Oreo pizza?
SS: No - I roll my eyes at the commercial and judge America for it, but secretly want to eat it SO BAD.
Sarah Silverman will perform stand-up Sunday, October 28 at the Fillmore Miami Beach at the Jackie Gleason Theater at 8:00 p.m.
