Considering our post lambasting horrendous female fashion trends, we figured evening out the playing field would do some good. Our Haterade® comes in both flavors, so making fun of dudes and their shitty choices is as easy as selling bottled water to people living in an industrialized nation with safe, delicious, potable tap water.
Guys may not be as prepared as gals in the lifelong illogical battle of who can accessorize using what looks like crap found in the discount bin at a dollar store, but at least women are more creative. Perhaps a century ago things were different. Back then mustaches were en vogue, pocket watches, monocles, and top hats made the most unfortunate-looking men so irresistible they could get any woman they chose. We're not sure if it was the clothing or the fact that women had no rights and were treated like property, but yeah. Those were the days. Anyway, here are five reasons our mothers should still be making our wardrobe choices.
A
perfect example of a style that works well on women who are prized for
their long, slender, sexy legs and completely backfires on men. The crux
of the problem arises from the fact that skinny jeans are designed for
skinny people, otherwise they would be referred to as tight jeans. Women
aren't fawning over chicken-legged guys, and a fat guy in skinny jeans
looks like Jonah Hill two years ago. Or like Jonah Hill a few years from
now.
We're not saying "hey, make a quick trip to 1997 and buy a pair of
JNCO jeans", but there's a sensible balance between parachute pants and
jeans so tight you can see the cock vein throbbing if you look closely
enough.
You can thank emo scumbags and scenesters for further
stealing this trend from women by proceeding to relaxing the hell out of
relaxed jeans.
4. Oversized shirts
The good old
cholo polo has been a staple of East LA and every rapper's closet since
it was invented in '88 by midgets. We'll never understand the appeal of
looking like an 8-year-old boy wearing a T-shirt he caught from Billy
the Marlin's T-shirt launcher. If the size on your tee has so many X's
it's written in scientific notation, maybe consider passing it off to
your girlfriend to use as jammies?
Every sleeved shirt has a sew line
that marks where the sleeves begin, and if said line extends past your
shoulders, you're doing it wrong. Many theories have come forth
attempting to explain this phenomenon, but none have concretely
explained it, though many look promising.
3. Ed Hardy
There's
no better litmus test for douchebaggery than anything with Ed Hardy's
ubiquitous signature on it. This date rapist uniform is one of the
ugliest male trends to come around since... the one we just finished
talking about. Most of the offenders wear the T-shirts, but some can be
found with hoodies and in certain cases button-down shirts. The
button-down shirts are never worn with just one or two buttons undone,
it's always a minimum of all of them. It wouldn't be surprising to learn
there are assholes who sew on extra buttons just to leave those undone
as well.
2. Ear gauging
By no means is this counted
as a male-only style, but considering women are the masters of insanity
in the name of fashion, it's important to point out that guys are
stupid enough to take part in this one as well. Of all the things
certain African tribes take part in, this is the thing suburban middle
class white kids in America decided to take.
White people felt as if
they had taken all there was to take from African Americans after Eminem
won 45,193 Grammy awards for his take on rap, so they looked "to the
source", so to speak, and found something worthy of also "finding" for
themselves.
This
is one of those bad decisions that sticks around for a while, and there
are a limited number of jobs you can hold when you're sporting one of
these. The only doctor you can be is a witchdoctor.
1. The double polo
A
style that can only be fully eliminated by the Fourth Reich, this thing
never shows up without a popped collar. This is the preferred look of
the fraternity bro, and they do a great job of misleading people. You
see, finding a frat bro wearing a nice pair of khaki shorts, white
shoes, and a pink polo shirt is very simple. Wardrobe like that seems
very open and forthcoming, so you feel comfortable around the frat bro.
Then out of nowhere, bam, you wake up one morning at the Alpha Sigma
Sigma house with a bunch of assholes singing the "Walk of Shame" song in
unison as you trudge your way out with tears of runny mascara.
Ladies,
reevaluate your men. If you see usage of any of these trends you need
to light them on fire. It's the only way to be sure.
