Let's face it, whether you like it or not, unless Zombie Reagan signs a deal with the Devil and is somehow constitutionally eligible to run for president after being dead for seven years, President Obama is taking 2012.
With that in mind, this coming election year is the best year to have a crazy unelectable motherfucker run for office. With the cowardly yet somehow narcissistic dropout of Donald Trump (billionaire, celebrity, dude who used to sell self-branded steaks at the Sharper Image) we now have no one to entertain us.
If you're like us, you like to watch a good trainwreck as much as the next guy. That's why we've put together a list of some celebrities that would be a fun distraction during the 2012 presidential election. While none have the deep pockets Trump had, they all bring their own quirks to the table which could prove to be hilarious.
Charlie Sheen
Nothing would strike fear into the hearts of our enemies more than
knowing the American people are willing to elect a washed-out coke-head
into office. Actually, that may not be true. The terrorists weren't
exactly afraid of us when we elected Bush.
Sheen is the most obvious choice to take over the "bat-shit
insanity" ticket that would ensure Obama's reelection. The unimaginable
amount of ruckus that dude would cause at a debate would be like
watching Bill O'Reilly argue with Bill O'Reilly. Would we put it past
him to somehow use hash tags during a speech? No. Never in the history
of the United States has there been a candidate that would stand there
during a presidential debate and have to defend himself about why he's
such a hooker 'n coke enthusiast.
Tiger blood and winning would somehow become political talking points.
The sheer "WTF?" left behind for future generations alone is enough to
make this a great idea. Plus, Sheen's got experience since his dad
played the President of the United States for a few years on The West
Wing. How does that amount to genuine experience? Who knows, but if
bullshit credentials were enough for Palin to get within a botched
bypass from the presidency then Sheen might as well be Speaker of the
House.
Because, really, anything is better than Two and a Half Men.
Antoine Dodson
A guy with 15 minutes of fame may not sound like the ideal choice for a
candidate full of hijinks, but that's because most people's 15 minutes
of fame aren't as spectacular as Mr. Dodson's.
If you're not familiar with who this Ronaldinho-lookalike is by
name, surely you are by action. Someone tried to rape his sister one
night, so he barged into that room presumably to slap-box the shit out
of the perpetrator, and managed to scare off the would-be rapist. When
interviewed about it on the local news, his response was side-splitting,
to say the least.
We don't have to tell you why it would be beyond awesome to watch a guy
like that go off-the-cuff constantly and dumb down all his points. He'd tell terrorists they don't have to come and confess. He'd
tell them we're looking for them, and we'll find them. But most of all,
he'd tell them to "run and tell that." No idea what that means, but the
terrorists will get the message.
His platform would be anti-rape. That's pretty much it.
Macho Man Randy Savage
Oh.
Jesse Ventura
As governor of Minneapolis from 1999 to 2003, Jesse Ventura has genuine
executive political experience. He fought in Vietnam in the US Navy
Underwater Demolition Team (now the Navy SEALs.) He rode hard with the
outlaw motorcycle club, the Mongols, rivals of the Hells Angels. He was a
bad-ass professional wrestler. He kicked ass in Predator and Demolition
Man. He was a mayor in Minneapolis. He was the governor of Minneapolis,
and by most accounts a decent one.
And he's also fucking crazy.
Not Charlie Sheen crazy, mind you, more like a Joe Biden that can bench
press a tank crazy. This man believes in so many conspiracy theories
that TruTV gave him his own television series titled Conspiracy Theory
with Jesse Ventura. To get an idea of what you're dealing with, the very
first episode is about the High Frequency Active Auroral Research
Program, a government research project seeking to help with
high-frequency communications and surveillance, so spy shit most likely.
What does Mr. Ventura think? Why, secret mind control and weather
control, of course! Again, not just mind control, but also weather
control out of the same futuristic device. It does it all, it's like the
iPhone of government black projects.
Having Jesse debate against anyone would be priceless. He'd accuse them
of being a reptilian, part of the Illuminati, and responsible for Justin
Bieber. But honestly, besides the conspiracy theory nonsense he makes a
lot of points most people would agree with.
These are pretty much our only choices.
Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami
