Right-wing whack jobs and fame whores alike have been the target of a rash of "bombings" by antsy activists as of late. Glitter bombs, an oh-so-faaaabulous form of warfare, are generally reserved for anti-LGBT politicians, while flour bombings have become a favorite weapon of choice against callous and overexposed celebs.
But aren't these tactics just a little too last week? Seriously, does Mitt Romney really care about some glitter in his 'do? (Actually, he may like it more than he admits) And we doubt Kim Kardashian really cried over getting dusted with a white substance -- something with which we suspect she's familiar. Jon Stewart said it best: "[Glitter bombs are] more clever than a pie in the face, but less clever than something actually clever."
It's time to reinvent the art of the dramatic attack. Here are a few new and improved "bombings" we'd like to see the anti-establishment community embrace.
Dirty Dog Bombings
The humble hot dog with the works: relish, ketchup,
mustard, and preferably sauerkraut -- now that's a weineriffic weapon. This
bombing does double duty, with two separate but equally apt
applications.
First, it's a meal for many an almost-anorexic model or actress. Hell, they might
even thank you if you hit 'em square in the piehole. We believe Angelina
Jolie might be in the market for a frank bombing or three.
Secondly, hot dogs make for great sexual innuendos, especially if you're confronting anti-gay male politicians. They'll strike
fear in their heart with their own phallic nature. And again, the "victims" might
even thank you once they've deep-throated a delicious, all-beef
foot-long. Rick Santorum and Mitt Romney are two dudes ripe for the
dogging.
Douchebag Slinging
Yes, the douchebag -- everyone's favorite, frequently
referenced feminine hygiene product. Though it's mostly used as an insult to describe boorish, sexist bros, let's not forget that you can still pick up the original version at any CVS. Shouldn't the nitwits of the male sex be
introduced to the real deal? What better way to tell a man how you feel
than a nice, full, bag of douche square in the face? John Mayer and The
Situation are prime candidates for a drive-by douchebagging.
The Sugar Storm
Ahhhh, rehab: the favorite escape of choice for many a
coked-up celeb. They run from their lazy, gold-plated lives to spend a
few weeks in a relatively sober paradise, complete with massages, gourmet food, and (we
suspect) conjugal visits. Then, upon their predictable relapse, they
bemoan their stressful existence and check themselves back in when
convenience allows. Little baggies of white gold (sugar) flung in the
direction of these whiny bigwigs are a great way to say, "screw you." And you can use the leftovers for cupcakes.
Lindsay Lohan is well-due for a good sugar storm. (We're not buying this "good behavior" nonsense.)
Egging
Let's get retro. Eggs are the ultimate insult; the eternally
effective way to say "fuck you" to the hated teacher, the old crone, the
nosy neighbor. It's time to bring back this vintage show of strength.
With Easter approaching, we're sure the bunny would approve. We'd sure
like to see some yellow goo streaming down the face of Rick Santorum -- he is, after all, a traditionalist.
Penny-Pelting
You've heard the expression, "I'd like to beat him with a sack of pennies," right? Some people will do anything for money: sell their souls,
their bodies, the interest of their city's residents. And what better
way to honor these money-grubbers than by showering them with the
almighty penny? If they're smart, they'll run; if they're extra-greedy, we'll get to watch them crawl around to pick up the change. Either way, we win. It's hard to think of a politician who doesn't deserve this treatment at least once.
--Hannah Sentenac
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