Our ongoing coverage of Exxxotica Miami Beach has already highlighted the biggest and best events of the show, given you the low down on a reality show starlet turned porn harlot, and even talked about how to break into the industry should you be so bold (or desperate). But, as with any party, the most important thing is who the hell is going to be there.
You already know there's going to be a big load of porn stars walking the floor at Exxxotica but the following group represents the money shots of the convention. Consider Cultist your own personal fluffer to get your ready for the sexual high jinx soon to take place.
7. Joslyn (I Banged Tiger Woods) James
Once upon a time, Joslyn James was just one of the thousands of
surgically enhanced ladies appearing in skin flicks. But then a cat
named Eldridge saw one of those movies and something stirred in his
jockeys. Next thing you know James becomes a member of Tiger Woods's
erstwhile harem. Or at least that's what we heard. James will be at
Exxxotica, but really, if you wanted to see where Tiger swung his wood
you could just go to Doral.
6. Capri (I Banged Charlie Sheen) Anderson
Okay, so gaining most of your fame by being on the wrong end of a
Charlie Sheen meltdown is not exactly the type of thing you brag about
at your high school reunion but, well, actually, that is the type of
thing people brag about these days. Lucky for you, you can see Capri
well ahead of her reunion at Exxxotica. That is if she hasn't locked
herself in the bathroom at the Miami Beach Convention Center.
5. Pebbelz Da Model
Pebbelz attended a Miami Heat game at the American Airlines Arena
earlier this year and her ASSets distracted the entire arena, including
the hoopsters on the court. The hip-hop video vixen has a surgically
enhanced booty so large that we think whoever performed her surgery
should have included a microphone that plays "beep, beep, beep" when she
walks backward. Pebbelz makes J-Lo look positively Asian.
4. Bad Girl Miami's Erica Lynne
Erica Lynne is the just the latest babe to trade reality show scripts
for porn scripts (we wonder which one is shorter?), but we have a soft
spot in our heart for her because she was a Miami Bad Girl. We can only
imagine the pride her parents feel. First it's reality star hussy. Then
porn star. The next logical step is being another Charlie Sheen baby
momma.
3. Michelle "Bombshell" (I Banged Jesse James) McGee
Hmm? It seems most of this list is made up of nobodies who slept with
somebodies. Bombshell McGee looks exactly like what every wife images a
homewrecker would, just ask Sandra Bullock. McGee does distinguish
herself from the pack with an amazing array of tattoos and a penchant of
dressing like Nazi SS. If you run into her ask her what the "W" and "P"
tattoos she allegedly has on each leg stand for. "White Power" or
"Woman Pride?"
2. SuperStarXXX
She's large and in charge. SuperStarXXX brings at least a whole other
dimension to porn, probably a couple. She isn't the first super-sized
porn actress, but we're going to say she's the baddest.
1. Ron Jeremy
We have it on good authority that Ron Jeremy tongued at least a couple
of Cultist writers, but we'll never say who. Of course, that wouldn't be
a surprise. He has become the national spokesperson for the Association
of Utterly Goofy Lovers in Porn (UGLI-P). He might make you ignore the
five reasons we once gave to date a chubbster,
but his schlong is still an institution. And should be revered as such.
Bang Bus
The locally owned but world famous Bang Bus, which is actually a creepy
looking white van, will also make an appearance. This is the vehicle used in those famously bad porn movies where women are picked up and "banged" for money. Here's hoping they take it
through a car wash before showing up -- and please splurge on the deluxe
cleaning where they shampoo the seat cushions.
Miami Beach Exxxotica 2011 runs May 20, 4 pm - 11 pm; May 21, 12 -
11 p.m.; May 22, 12 - 7 p.m.; at the Miami Beach Convention Center.
Tickets cost: $25 - $70. For more information visit
www.eXXXoticaExpo.com.
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