Last week, the Dolphins pooped on the lechon of every fans hopes and dreams that the team would control their own destiny on the way to making the playoffs for the first time in five years.
The Dolphins still have a decent chance of getting in with some help, but they absolutely have to beat the hated Jets on Sunday before any of the other permutations of playoff possibilities can happen.
Here's what to look out for in this possibly final game of the 2013 season:
1. Enough With the Lack of Identity on Offense
Sometimes, the Dolphins seem like a team that is completely fatherless with no identity whatsoever. They pass when they need to run, they run when they need to sling it. Tannehill underthrows receivers one week, the receivers drop those passes the next. Sometimes Tannehill throws 40 passes for 300-plus yards, three TDs and no interceptions, while sometimes Daniel Thomas or Lamar Miller run for 100-plus yards and dominate the ground game. It's infuriating to watch this team because -- on paper -- there is at least a marginal degree of talent everywhere on offense but the game plan implemented is nearly always schizophrenic and unbalanced. Last week, there was about zero fucking offense and NOTHING worked so here's to hoping that on this -- the very possibly last game of the season -- the Dolphins get their shit together on offense. It's "our time," right? Maybe by "time" they meant Week 17.
2. 4,000 for Tannehill
Ryann Tannehill has a chance to be the only Dolphins quarterback not named Dan Marino to attain 4,000 passing yards in a season -- a tremendous milestone for a second year QB. Tannehill appears to be healthy after suffering a scary moment when his knee was rolled up on and he was forced to leave the game for a few plays so he should be good to go on Sunday. If Tannehill can achieve the 4,000 yard mark in this game, it's a good bet the Dolphins can pull out a victory against a Jets passing defense that ranks 23rd in the league. Even if the Dolphins don't pull out a victory and the jigsaw puzzle of playoff possibilities don't work out in their favor, this will only add to Tannehill's confidence and resume entering the all-important third season for NFL QBs in 2014 -- the always telling benchmark of how far a quarterback has come along and what his ceiling can be. Hopefully Tannehill's offensive coordinator will stop stirring his Metamucil during the game and actually implement a gameplan that, you know, fucking works against the weaknesses of the team we're playing!
3. What Games To Give Two Shits About Should The Dolphins Win
Should the Dolphins win on Sunday, there are two scenarios that get them the final Wildcard spot (we're not gonna bother with insane tie game scenarios):
- The Ravens lose or tie against the Bengals
- The Chargers win against the Chiefs
The second of these is particularly crucial because signs point to Chiefs head coach Andy Reid resting some of his starters on Sunday. This is important because, in theory, the Chiefs will not be at full strength for a game the Chargers must absolutely win if they hope to have even the slimmest chance of sneaking in to the final playoff spot. Of course, this is the Dolphins and Jesus really hates us so bet dollars to donuts that the Ravens will win and the Chargers will lose and God will laugh at the futilitiy of your pathetic mortal existence.
Baltimore plays the Bengals at 1 pm and the Chargers take on the Chiefs at 4:25. Keep these in mind as you watch the games on Sunday.
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4. For Cryin' Out Loud, It's the Stinking Jets!
Losing record, no playoffs, pointless season, no progress -- all of it be damned. We're facing the dirty, stinkin' Jets in the final game of the season with the season on the line. If you can't get up and excited about that, you've got no business being a Dolphins fan. It's your duty to make fun of them, relish in their useless existence and laugh at their dumb still-kinda-fat coach for being a loudmouth prick well on his way to being fired. Celebrate New Year's by cussing out a Jets fan at the stadium and laughing at their asses as they walk out of the stadium dejected by the fact they are a loser franchise with loser fans. GO DOLPHINS!
The Jets come into Sun Life Stadium to face the Dolphins for the final regular season game of the 2013 season. Kickoff is at 1 p.m.