WTF Florida Awards: 2014's Weirdest Crimes, Craziest Names and Most Savvy Porn Stars

WTF Florida Awards: 2014's Weirdest Crimes, Craziest Names and Most Savvy Porn Stars

Among our many missions at New Times, among the most sacred is cataloguing the most bizarre, outlandish and confusing stories that emerge from the Sunshine State.

At the end of the year, we reflect on the past twelve months of head-scratching Florida shenanigans and recognize the most outstanding achievements in tomfoolery. Without further ado, our 2014 WTF Florida Awards.

Realest Thirst of the Year: Maria Montenez-Colon, a 58-year-old resident of Punta Gorda, was feeling drunk and lonely one night when she decided to dial up 911 with a fraudulent call, but when the officer showed up Montenez-Colon liked what she saw. She begged the officer to have sex with her, noting that she was "horny" and "hadn't been penetrated in years."

The officer reminded her not to misuse the 911 system and left. So Montenez-Colon decided to call 911 again. The same officer showed up. When the officer reminded her she was not supposed to misuse the 911 system, she asked, "but how else am I going to get you to fuck me?"

Truest Love Between a Man and an Inanimate Object: Chris Sevier heard that there were a lot of cases in the Florida court system about gay marriage this year, so he decided to get in on the fun by trying to join one such suit in hopes that he could marry his porn-filled Apple laptop.

He claimed that he had become so addicted to internet porn that he "began preferring sex with my computer over sex with real women." The judge ended up tossing Sevier's motion, noting that he was either trying to make a mockery of gay marriage or was just a little nuts.

The academy would like to acknowledge runner-up Sean Johnson, a 19-year-old who was caught making love to a clearance-priced stuffed horse in the bedding section of a Brooksville Walmart.

Political Quote of the Year: Common Core is surely a hot button issue in education circles, but just about no one thinks it will turn your child gay ... no one except Republican State Rep. Charles Van Zant. Florida had hired a research company to help prepare new testing material, and the company also happens to have helped others develop LGBT sensitivity material.

At an anti-Common Core conference in Orlando earlier this year he delivered this odd bit of logic:

These people, that will now receive $220 million from the state of Florida unless this is stopped, will promote double-mindedness in state education and attract every one of your children to become as homosexual as they possibly can. I'm sorry to report that to you.

Politifact ended up rating the claim "pants on fire."

 

Most Florida Name of the Year: This category is a surprising tie. Edward Cocaine of Fort Lauderdale, who was arrested for drug possession in April, would have been the clear front runner -- but he was arrested for Xanax and not his namesake.

She shares this award with Cherry Tennis Waffles, a 19-year-old Miami woman/random series of nouns who was arrested for ripping off a Juno Beach surf shop.

Hoaxer of the Year: Jasmine Tridevil of Tampa stole America's hearts by claiming that she had a third breast implanted above her real two boobs. The internet went wild, and discussion over whether Tridevil's three-breasted chest was real dominated web discussion for the better part of a week. Then she was caught at an airport with a three-breasted prosthetic in her luggage.

Savviest Use of Florida's Dumb Laws: A woman known only by the nom-de-porn of "Isabella" shot a porno in a warehouse in Miami for local porn kings Bang Bros back in 2008. This year, as many one-time amateur porn stars have before her, she came to regret it. But Isabella had a brilliant plan. She was actually married at the time of the filming, and argued that Florida law states sex outside of marriage is illegal so the contract she signed was null and void. Indeed technically, adultery is still a punishable crime in Florida thanks to an antiquated law. The case never went to trial, but Bang Bros agreed to remove it from the internet.

Un-Savviest Use of Florida's Non-Existent Laws: When Guy Lanchester was arrested for cocaine possession in the Florida Keys he simply told deputies, "I don't understand. I thought cocaine wasn't illegal in Florida."


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