Why Halloween Is Miami's Most Stressful Holiday

Why Halloween Is Miami's Most Stressful Holiday
Photo by Logan Fazio

It's Halloween, and Riptide has decided to go as the scariest costume we can think of: A Thought Catalog or Elite Daily writer! Spooky! Because the best costumes are things that scare the hell out of you, but also on some level resonate with you.

Yes, it's time for an overly earnest and yet somehow vague post about why Halloween in Miami is so stressful. We'd add "in your 20s" to that title, but tons of people way past the age continue to act like they're in their 20s in Miami. We also thought about "When you're single," but, again, plenty of people in relationships in this town continue to act like they're single anyway. So why bother?

Whatever the case, Halloween is particularly stressful in Miami. Along with New Year's Eve, it's one of two big holidays you spend with your friends from the time you're in your teens to the time you have kids. Which means everyone wants to have the Best! Night! Ever! Which rarely happens.

You Will Want To See All Your Friends and Go To All The Parties, but You Will Not See Everyone or Even Get to Most of the Parties

You basically have two sane choices: You pick one party and stick to it all night, or you and a very small group of friends stick to a simple, agreed upon plan.

Because Halloween party-hopping in Miami turns into a clusterfuck real fast. You show up to Mari's for pre-gaming, but Luis is an hour later because he messed up his "murdered cat" makeup, and then you get to Jose's party, but it's not good, but you have to stick around for at least 45 minutes before you go to Sarah's party, but then all the sudden Roberto texts you, "Are you still at Jose's? We'll be there in 15." So you wait around until an hour later Roberto texts you again, "We couldn't get a cab and Leslie is feeling sick. Soooooo sorry, bro." Then you finally get to Sarah's, but you friend Cara gets bored immediately and wants to go out to the Beach to meet up with some guy, and she totally swears that he says Purdy is so much fun right now, but everyone else kind of wants to stay on the mainland, so now Cara's upset, and meanwhile you've got 10 other people texting you, "Where you are?" but Jorge was on Instagram and said that Gramps looks really fun right now, but you totally swore to Tim that you'd go by the party he was throwing at some club you've never heard of before, but then Kelly says that Rogero texted her and said that party wasn't even good, and basically no one has any idea what's going on so you all just end up at the bar you always end up at anyway and hope everyone comes through.

It Is the Unofficial Start of Peak Hot-Body Season in Miami

In the North, people start working out to get their "bikini body" ready for the summer. Sure Miamians have pressure to keep it cute year-round, but the ideal time to have your "perfect body" and the associated pressures that come with it starts now. Besides, oppressive humidity and regular rain has kept us inside for most of the summer anyway.

But tonight you'll see all sorts of genetically (or surgically ... or questionable pharmacology related) gifted people, both men and women, in flesh-baring costumes, and then look down at your own sad gut beneath your Marshmallow Man costume. Wasn't this the year you were supposed to go as sexy Ebola victim or 300 guy? No, instead you're plus-sized Scarface or late-era Celia Cruz.

But that's just the start of the worries! Weren't your supposed to be super slim and trim in time for Basel to land your billionaire art-collector spouse ... or at least to be able to flirt your way into the best parties? Didn't you want to spend New Year's Day on a yacht in the tiniest nylon clothing? Weren't you ready to first-bump in next-to-nothing at Ultra? If you don't have it together by now, those are all just dreams. Maybe spend next summer in an a/c gym.

The Amount of Time You Spend on Your Costume Is Inverse to How Much Fun You Have

Spent two months carefully planning your costume and then three hours actually getting it on? Congrats, you'll get a lot of compliments tonight, but that also means you've got a lot invested in tonight. You've been building it up. This is your best costume ever, so that means it's going to be your best Halloween ever, right? No. You'll be worried about losing your accessories, not smudging your hair and makeup, and trying to avoid your costume from getting ruined at a crowded party or by piling into the back of a cab.

Meanwhile, your friend who spent five minutes putting a last minute costume together is going to get drunk immediately to forget how crappy his costume is, and you'll end up having to watch them all night anyway.

Awkward Hookups Will Happen

Maybe it's because people are dressed up and pretending they're someone else for the night. Maybe it's because the object of their desire is all the same. Maybe it's the alcohol. Whatever the case, awkward, unadvised hookups will happen tonight.

Someone will make out with the friends' boyfriend, or sister ... or mom ... or just their friend. Maybe it will be you. Maybe it will be two of your other friends involved, and you'll just have to deal with the awkward fallout for a while. Yes, this happens throughout the year, but it happens a lot more tonight.

You'll Feel Stupid at the End of the Night For How Much You Freaked Out About Tonight

You put so much time on your costume, you got peeved when things didn't work out exactly the way you wanted, but at the end of the night you're drunk and surrounded by your friends. Just like any other Friday night in Miami really. Except this time you have to wash silver paint off your face before you go to bed.

Follow Miami New Times on Facebook and Twitter @MiamiNewTimes.


Sponsor Content

Newsletters

All-access pass to the top stories, events and offers around town.

  • Top Stories
    Send:

Newsletters

All-access pass to top stories, events and offers around town.

Sign Up >

No Thanks!

Remind Me Later >