This time of year, everything should be decided using tournament brackets. Riptide picks our breakfast by scrawling our kitchen's options on a whiteboard. Yogurt and oatmeal always get knocked out in the first round, and Honey Bunches of Oats is highly seeded.
Today a champion will emerge after a long year of deserved and accomplished Moron of the Week awards. Who will take scissors to the net of elite regional stupidity?
Felonious Freak-Outs Division: the Confused Racist Airplane Screamer vs. the MLK Parade Road-Rager
Background: Mansor Mohammad Asa had one too many Chili's margaritas in the airport and cops had to drag his indiscriminately racist, screaming ass off a plane. Latricia Samuel couldn't find parking at an MLK Day parade, so she attempted to park her car in a police officer's ass.
The Winner: In a stunning upset, the road-rager moves on to the next round. Mohammad Asa's freak-out was epic and wierd, but everybody gets arrested or zapped with a stun gun for going crazy on airplanes these days. Who runs over a parade?
Irritating Rappers Division: Lil' Bow Wow vs. Plies
Background: Lil' Bow Wow -- yeah that's right, we still call him "Lil'"-- drove his Lamborghini while "fucked up" and then tweeted about it. Plies allegedly staged a concert shooting in order to boost his street cred.
The Winner: Proof positive that kids his age should be driving dented Corollas -- move on to the next round, Lil' Bow Wow.
(Allegedly) Dumb-Ass Politicians Division: Cesar Carasa vs. Michelle Spence-Jones
Background: Suspended West Miami Mayor Cesar Carasa racked up a $70,000 bill on his city cell phone by calling the Dominican Republic and China. Suspended Miami Commissioner Michelle Spence-Jones, who somehow went an entire year without a Moron of the Week award but was a Wild Card entry into this tournament, is accused of soliciting bribes and stealing money and stuff.
The Winner: Originality triumps again. We declare Cesar Carasa to be the dumbest Miamian to wear a flag pin on his lapel in the past year.
Idiots Desperate to Get Places Division: the $3,000-Dollar-Cab-Fare-Stiffer vs. the Guy Who Fabricated His Kidnapping to Cops for a Ride
Background: Lucilo Perez took a cab ride from Miami to Memphis, Tennessee, even though he had no money to pay the driver. Jose Armando Rodrigues was headed to Miami from Boynton Beach in his friend's car when it broke down, so he concocted a very transparent kidnapping story in the hopes of a ride to the Magic City.
The Winner: At least the cab-stiffer's plan makes sense on the most basic level. For his superior stupidity, Armando Rodrigues moves on!
The MLK-Parade Road-Rager vs. Lil' Bow Wow
The Winner: Well, neither of them should be behind a wheel -- and Lil' Bow Wow will surely one day receive a lifetime achievement award for being one of the most vapid celebrities we can name. But come on: The lady smashed through a parade because she couldn't watch it. That's like not getting invited to a party so you burn down the house. She's going to the Finals.
Cesar Carasa vs. the Guy Who Fabricated His Kidnapping to Cops for a Ride
The Winner: Carasa certainly cost taxpayers more money, which is always a factor in our determinations. But here at Morons of the Week, inexplicably dumb behavior is our lifeblood -- and Jose Armando Rodrigues's plan makes sense only if you've recently ingested copious amounts of GHB. Let's determine a champion!
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The MLK-Parade Road-Rager vs. the Guy Who Fabricated His Kidnapping to Cops for a Ride
The Winner: In baseball parlance, Latricia Samuel is a five-tool athlete: Her stunt was crazy, offensive, nonsensical, self-destructive, and pretty damn scary.
We're crowning her champion for that reason -- and because we're afraid that if we don't, she's going to drive her '88 Chrysler into our office building.