For the third time since 2008 the Miami Hurricanes are on the hunt for a new athletics director. Don't worry though, University of Miami President Donna Shalala says she has heard from literally hundreds of people who wants the job. "I'm getting hundreds of emails from people wanting the job," she told The Sun-Sentinel. "Hundreds ... That's a good problem to have."
Of course, through the magic of parody, Riptide has exclusively gotten a hold of some of those hundreds and hundreds of emails sent to Shalala about the AD position. Here are the best applicants so far:
From Jeff Ireland, Miami Dolphins General Manager:
Heard you got an executive sports job open. I might need a new one of those real soon.
P.S. My mother was not a whore. I know that's a common interview question, so I just wanted to get it out of the way first.
David Rivera, US Congressman:
To President Shalala,
I plan on continuing serving for years to come in Congress representing my South Florida constituents, who have honored me with their trust and respect, but just in case I should find myself out of a job soon, I would very much like to be Athletics Director at the great University of Miami. In addition to my work in politics, I would also bring my previous experience as AD at both University of Alabama and Harvard to the job (a totally true claim that you don't even need to double-check at all). As evidenced by my own personal sparkling reputation, I would work hard to keep UM on the straight and narrow and will avoid future scandals.
Now, you may just want to check your purse real quick. Oh my, is that an envelope stuffed with cash? I have no idea how that got there, and you can't prove that I do. Now, I must also inform you that should I not get this job, I will also have nothing to do with some shadowy and almost hilariously inept conspiracy to get the Trustees to fire you in retaliation.
Rep. David Rivera
Frank Decrazia, Unemployed:
I know the kinda ppl who get these jobs have like "resumes" and "college degrees" but none of that can make up for being the #1 Canes super fan of all time! Which is me. Frank Decrazia. Check these stats: My Camero is custom painted green and orange. I have a U tattoo but I can't show it to you in polite company. I buy season tickets ...when I can afford it ... which was back in '94 when I had a little bit of inheritance from my uncle (which also paid for the green and orange Camero). I can name every member of the D-Line since 1979. My sons' names are Bernie, Vinny, Gino and Schnellenberger. My daughters' names are Kelly (as in Jim), Sebastian the Girl Ibis, and Orange Bowl. And I still have nightmares about the 2002 championship game. As you can see I am very qualified for this job, and will never leave it once I do such a good job other schools try and higher me away. Which will obviously happen.
Frank "The Cane Tank" Decrazia
Randy Shannon, Linebackers Coach, Texas Christian University:
Long time no speak. Just been here at TCU doing some linebackers coaching. Yep, coaching some linebackers. Here at TCU in Fort Worth, Texas. Yeah, Fort Worth. This town is really something.
OK, listen Donna, I'm gonna be level with you. I've lived in Miami almost my entire life. I can't deal with this place. They all walk around saying "ya'll" and wearing cowboy boots without any trace of irony. It's creepy as hell. I mean, yeah, sure I spent some time in Dallas before, but at least I got to go home at the end of the season. I need to get out of this town. So this job that just opened, can you at least humor me about applying for it? Give me at least a little temporary shed of hope that one day I can leave this hellhole and get back to Miami. I can only wait for Mario Cristobal to get hired away (or, well, after this season so far, fired) from FIU for so long.
Please consider it, I'm begging you,
Ozzie Guillen, Manager, Miami Marlins:
@DonnaShalala heard you are hiring
@DonnaShalala necesita un nuevo trabajo pronto
@DonnaShalala had a bad year waooo but hurricanes are the man dawg
@DonnaShalala plz give me job. lol.
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I've been with this institution for 55 years now, and I want you to look back at those past 55 years and ask "Hey, who has never screwed up? Not even once?" It's a short list of waterfowl. Even the Miami Maniac had that incident with the wine bottle once. But me, I bring it at a top notch level every day. Do you ever see a C-A-N-E-S chant that doesn't drive people crazy? I am dedicated to this athletics program. I show up to every game. There have literally been Volleyball games where the only people in the stands are me, the coach's elderly mother, and the co-captain's boyfriend who just cheated on her and is trying to show her what a good boyfriend he can be if she just gives him another chance. I'm the most reliable thing associated with this university, and it's time you recognized that.
Nevin Shaprio, Asshole:
Babe, what's up? Not sure when I'm getting out of the clink, but if it's still open when I get out can I have my old job back?