Who Would Jesus Vote For? - Ron Paul and Dennis Kucinich

The Florida Primary on January 29 is fast approaching. Today we continue our series examining Jesus' thoughts on the candidates, with evaluations of two fringe presidential hopefuls, Dennis Kucinich and Ron Paul. Remember in the patented Crucifix Rating System (CRS)®, a maximum five crosses equals a strenuous holy endorsement...

By Tovin Lapan

January 23, 2008

[
        {
          "name": "Air - MediumRectangle - Inline Content - Mobile Display Size",
          "component": "19274298",
          "insertPoint": "2",
          "requiredCountToDisplay": "2"
        },{
          "name": "Editor Picks",
          "component": "17482312",
          "insertPoint": "4",
          "requiredCountToDisplay": "1"
        },{
          "name": "Inline Links",
          "component": "18711090",
          "insertPoint": "8th",
          "startingPoint": 8,
          "requiredCountToDisplay": "7",
          "maxInsertions": 25
        },{
          "name": "Air - MediumRectangle - Combo - Inline Content",
          "component": "17482310",
          "insertPoint": "8th",
          "startingPoint": 8,
          "requiredCountToDisplay": "7",
          "maxInsertions": 25
        },{
          "name": "Inline Links",
          "component": "18711090",
          "insertPoint": "8th",
          "startingPoint": 12,
          "requiredCountToDisplay": "11",
          "maxInsertions": 25
        },{
          "name": "Air - Leaderboard Tower - Combo - Inline Content",
          "component": "17482313",
          "insertPoint": "8th",
          "startingPoint": 12,
          "requiredCountToDisplay": "11",
          "maxInsertions": 25
        }
      ]

The Florida Primary on January 29 is fast approaching. Today we continue our series examining Jesus' thoughts on the candidates, with evaluations of two fringe presidential hopefuls, Dennis Kucinich and Ron Paul.

Remember in the patented Crucifix Rating System (CRS)®, a maximum five crosses equals a strenuous holy endorsement.

Dennis Kucinich

Dennis Kucinich: What in hell is this guy? Some kind of twisted elf? Jesus thinks he’s crazy. A Department of Peace? Jesus would never go for something like that.

CRS Result: 1/2 Cross

Ron Paul

Ron Paul: Jesus would never vote for this guy. But He would totally hang out and get drunk with him. He’s crazy in a fun-uncle kind of way. Maybe they’ll get together sometime soon and start working on putting up that giant fence to keep all the Mexicans out. Jesus hates Mexicans.

CRS Result: Two Crosses

With John McCain and John Edwards each getting one cross in Jesus' first set of evaluations, and Kucinich receiving the lowest score yet with just one-half of a full cross, that makes Ron Paul the most favored candidate so far. Stay tuned to Riptide for the rest of Jesus' thoughts on the candidates, culminating in his selection for president which will be announced Tuesday, January 29 the morning of the Florida Primary. Tomorrow, the Carpenter takes a look at Mitt Romney. -- Calvin Godfrey and Tovin Lapan

Become A Member

BEFORE YOU GO...
Can you help us continue to share our stories? Since the beginning, Miami New Times has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami — and we'd like to keep it that way. Our members allow us to continue offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food, and culture with no paywalls.