It's a travesty. An outrage. Mess with Jorge, Josh, or Freddi -- but don't fool around with Hanley.
At 11 a.m. Tuesday, April 13, Florida Marlins wunderkind Hanley Ramirez awoke from graceful slumber to find somebody had vandalized three of his matching white vehicles parked in front of his seven-bedroom Weston house.
The right rear tail lights had been smashed on a Mercedes-Benz convertible, a Benz SUV, and a Cadillac Escalade, according to a police report. "Extremely deep gouge marks" had been scraped into the Escalade. This is the work of an individual who doesn't appreciate luxury auto craftsmanship.
Who be hatin'? Ramirez told cops he has "no idea... why someone would do this to his vehicles." A Marlins' spokesperson told Riptide: "Hanley has no comment." And when we called Ramirez's cell number and asked for the shortstop, the person on the other end posited, "Who?" and then hung up.
Left to our own devices, then, we've come up with a list of suspects. If the following characters are not rounded up and subjected to Dick Cheney's favorite interrogation techniques in the bowels of Sun Life Stadium, Riptide might be forced to go vigilante:
Dan Uggla: Sure, he looks docile, like the type of kid you would want dating your daughter or mowing your lawn. But last season, Marlins' slugging second baseman Uggla and Ramirez got into a much-publicized screaming match after the shortstop asked out of the lineup to preserve his batting average. Maybe this time Han-Ram didn't run out a ground ball?
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Jose Reyes: He's pretty much Hanley's big-money doppelganger: a buoyant, young, über-talented Dominican shortstop. But Reyes has lost a step due to injuries. Think the frustrated rage turned him to the crowbar?
Scott Rothstein: A bitter, bitter man whose own fancy wheels are gone, so he's just the slimy snake for this job.
Charlie Crist: The guy is desperate for publicity now that he has left the Republican fold. Just watch, he'll cop to it next week.
Kids: Uh... oh, yeah.