Word on the street is some kind of athletic contest will take place in the Miami area this weekend. Such frivolous spectacles do not interest Riptide. We are more fascinated by contests of the mind -- or, more specifically, finding out who's been really dumb in the county this week. So, pretty young stripper, put your cocaine-laden football away for just 15 minutes and let's get down to business.
Behold, your morons of the week. When we're done here, only one will wear the crown of Most Moronic. Unless there's a tie.
5. Whoever was driving this boat:
4. Rappers selling cognac in a way too marketing-y fashion
We don't want to be too harsh on a certain rapper after he invited our videographer to a publicity bash for his new line of cognac, so let's call this fellow "Ridonkulous." Onstage, in his videos, and on his albums, Ridonkulous has a rude and crude persona. (Exhibit A: His hit single we'll call "Scoot, Slut!") But in person, Ridonkulous tries to go by his government name and is as boring as that cousin you try to avoid sitting next to at family gatherings because all she talks about is marketing.
Riptide isn't down with this whole alter-ego thing mainstream rappers try to get away with these days. If you're going to be a maniac in your albums, you should be ready to act just as crazy in real life. Now DMX: There's a rapper we endorse.
This bronze medal winner faces felony charges for allegedly issuing speeding tickets to people who weren't even on the road at the time, in order to make it look like he was really good at his job.
Giving speeding tickets for a living is already a profession on the borderline, when we're talking matters of the soul: It's a necessary job, yes, but you ruin 47 peoples' day each day you work, which is not a good ratio in terms of the afterlife.
Being a dick while you're giving speeding tickets, which an estimated 98 percent of state troopers do, means you're probably going to be doing heavy time in purgatory.
Being a dick while you're handing out speeding tickets to people who don't even deserve them -- well, that qualifies you for a suite in the sector of Hell reserved for lawyers who masturbate to the way "Esq." looks after their name. Which brings us to...
2. Marc Sarnoff's Lawyer
Look, we like Commissioner Sarnoff. And we're not going to rag on him any further for having an obnoxious and inaccurate legal letter sent ordering a local blogger to remove an offending comment from a post; his constituents are pretty much handling that.
No, this award goes to his lawyer and almost every one of his peers. It's a small thing, really, but very irksome: Riptide is hereby requesting a moratorium on signing legal threats "GOVERN YOURSELF ACCORDINGLY."
Congrats on your law degree, pals. But going $200,000 in debt, perhaps destroying a few eightballs in order to make it through finals, and then typing a letter does not an All-Decreeing Master of the Universe make. You might be a really powerful Orc in Second Life, but here on Earth, you're just another human with drawings of golf balls on your tie.
Sorry, you just don't know how many letters we get from you blowhards. Oh, and putting "PLEASE" before it just makes it worse.
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Whoa, wait a minute. So your friend's car broke down in Boynton Beach and you really want to get back to Miami, so you call 911 and tell them two men kidnapped and hog-tied you, put a hood over your head, and threw you onto the side of the road?
Then the cops come, see the broken-down car, and get the real story from your friend, resulting in your arrest?
Wait, how would your story get you to Miami anyway?
It doesn't matter, man. Here, take your trophy. Don't forget to thank your buddy in the acceptance speech.