Where's Rick Scott's Birth Certificate, Hmmm?
Despite little evidence to the contrary, President Barack Obama offered further proof today that he is in fact a natural-born American citizen by producing his long-form birth certificate. With that issue sorted out, we now call on the American media to investigate the circumstances of Rick Scott's birth. Riptide has uncovered several completely baseless and fantastical conspiracy theories that Scott is not fit to be governor according to the Constitution of the State of Florida.
The state constitution is quite clear regarding the requirements of a person to serve as governor:
When elected, the governor, lieutenant governor and each cabinet member must be an elector not less than thirty years of age who has resided in the state for the preceding seven years.
They're far less strict than the requirements needed to be POTUS, and citizenship at birth is not an issue. Several Florida governors were born out-of-state, and though none has been foreign-born, it would not be against the law. Scott could have been born anywhere and it wouldn't matter.
We also have no issue with Scott's age or Florida residency. We are sure he's over the age of 30 and has lived in Florida for the past seven years.
Though the idea that Scott is an "elector" has raised our completely insane eyebrows, which has nothing to do with our undying hatred for bald men. We're just asking questions here. (Obviously, bringing up crazy theories about fitness for office has nothing to do with deep-seated ignorance, bigotry, and hatred, right?).
Anyway, being an elector merely means one is qualified to vote in elections, though Florida law is very clear that any entity registered to vote in the state must indeed be a living, breathing human being. Aha! Here's where we get to the controversy.
Riptide has heard several theories that Scott is the product of a demon father and alien mother who copulated on Mars and deposited the resulting egg deep in the core of the red planet. Allegedly, 13 months later, a fully formed Rick Scott emerged.
Scientists tell us that scenario is highly unlikely, but much like people who are convinced Obama was not born in America, we are completely undeterred by the facts.
We've also heard theories that Scott is actually a robot forged deep inside the secret artificial intelligence laboratory of a conservative think tank.
A scientist told us that is slightly more likely than the other scenario, but still probably not fact. The scientist then yelled at us for wasting his time and hung up.
Of course, Scott could put all of these theories to rest by simply producing a birth certificate -- one proving he is indeed human. A quick Google image search for Rick Scott's birth certificate reveals nothing, and as we all know, if it's not on the Internet, it probably doesn't exist. Why are you hiding your birth certificate, Scott? Hmmm?
Then again, even if Scott does provide a birth certificate, it might not quash all theories that he is fit to be governor. Riptide believes it is also quite possible that Scott might be a zombie, and only living people are considered electors in Florida. We once again dialed our scientist friend to inquire about this possibility, but he had blocked our number. He's probably in on the conspiracy anyway.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you'll never miss Miami New Times' biggest stories.