Wednesday, February 6, 2013 at 12:36 p.m.
Yesterday, Sen. Marco Rubio released his Spotify playlist on the world. It got us thinking about the musical tastes of other Florida politicians. We don't really expect Gov. Rick Scott to be dropping his mixtape anytime soon, so through the wonderful powers of satire, Riptide has imagined what that mixtape might include.
1. Creed - "With Arms Wide Open"
Rick Scott just really loves Creed and thinks it's one of the greatest rock 'n' roll bands of all time.
2. Pat Boone - "Crazy Train"
As we all know from his decision to block federally funded high-speed rail in Florida, Scott thinks all trains are crazy. Of course, because he still thinks Ozzy is the Devil's music, he genuinely prefers confirmed Republican Pat Boone's cover of Black Sabbath's anti-rail classic.
3. Kevin Federline - "Popozao (Clean Version)"
Scott is all about equal opportunity and thinks this song proves once and for all that white guys can rap just as well as anyone else. Obviously he prefers the clean version.
4. The Kinsey Sicks - "I Wanna Be a Republican"
Scott just really, really connects with the message of this song. He really gets a kick out of the lyrics "Lower taxes are God's plan. Global warming helps my tan. Give a gun to every man." He's never picked up that it's satire recorded by a barbershop quartet of drag queens. How was he supposed to know anyway? He found it on a burned CD that Charlie Crist left behind.
5. The University of Utah Singers - "Swanee River"
Scott has a special place in his heart for our state's song but prefers this extra-white take on it.
6. Ted Nugent - "Cat Scratch Fever"
It's pretty much a given that Scott, a Southern Republican, loves Ted Nugent.
7. Christina Aguilera - "Fighter"
It really is hard knowing that almost everyone in your state thinks you're doing a horrible job as governor, so sometimes Scott locks himself in his bathroom with this Xtina classic and sobs while mouthing along to "Makes me that much stronger. Makes me work a little bit harder. It makes me that much wiser. So thanks for making me a fighter." It's really the only way he's gotten through this term.
8. Creed - "What's This Life For"
He just really, really loves Creed.
9. Creed - "Higher"
Like, it's almost unhealthy.
10. Baha Men - "Who Let the Dogs Out"
Scott is the only person who still gets excited when this song blasts at sporting events, but his handlers have tried to ban him from listening to it ever since his adopted-dog scandal.
11. ApologetiX - "Bone Digger (Parody of "Gold Digger")
At a meeting of the Republican Governors Association, Kansas Gov. Sam Brownback took Scott aside and said, "Man, you gotta hear this. It's hilarious. It's an anti-evolution parody of Kanye West's 'Gold Digger' by a Christian cover band." Scott loved it.
12. Alter Bridge - "Metalingus"
Scott was so upset when Creed broke up, but he thinks the group that the other members formed without Scott Stapp is almost as good. He's even defended them in some Creed fan message boards.
13. Reagan Youth - "Reagan Youth"
Scott can't quite make out the words in this punk song, but he figures it's probably just kids having a good time yelling about how much they love Ronald Reagan.
14. Killer Mike - "Reagan"
Like many Republicans, Scott is actually physically unable to hear any criticism of Ronald Reagan whatsoever. Mostly because they go into a weird state of euphoria whenever they hear his name or voice. Obviously he loves the actual Reagan samples in this song.
15. Poul Godske Quintet - "Bald Is Beautiful"
Whoops, ha-ha, how'd this get in here? This is meant for Rick Scott's sexy-time playlist, which he plays once a year on his anniversary for approximately 17 minutes.
16. The Tribute Co. - "How You Remind Me (Nickelback Tribute)"
Rick Scott didn't believe that he could love any band more than he loves Creed. Then one day, his friend told him about Nickelback. Scott fell head over heels, immediately downloaded all their music from iTunes (including b-sides and rarities), and demanded that no one bother him for three days while he Nickelbinged. Of course, Nickelback isn't on Spotify, but Rick Scott is actually the one person in the world who listens to all those weird cover versions on Spotify and doesn't mind.