It is with a heavy heart that we report the University of Texas at Austin has replaced the University of Miami as the number one party school in the nation, thanks to its "big-time sports, gorgeous babes, [and] great academics in an awesome town."
UM, which topped the list last year, has slipped to number four. What happened, Miami? According to Playboy, last year's ranking "became a bit of an albatross, and the man soon ramped up mellow-harshing." We don't really know what that means, but presumably it refers to a sort of hotness backlash or the kind of status dip that follows a cheerleader when everyone on the football team has had a crack at her.
When scientists gather at Playboy magazine headquarters every year to rank the top party schools in the country, they follow a strict mathematical formula: Add "the number of tanning salons near campus and the number of cosmetic surgeons," "multiply that by the girl percentage from the guy-to-girl ratio, then add it to the number of nursing majors and our rank of their cheerleaders."
University of Miami
Then, factor in "the number of empty study rooms at a random hour in the library (the best place to have sex on campus if your roommate is home), plus the number of clubs, plus the number of Greek organizations." Whoa. This is almost as hard as calculating Medicare reimbursement.
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After that complicated analysis, UM was number one last year. "When you combine weather and women, no city in the country is hotter than Miami. That's why the U garnered our highest bikini index score," the magazine said then. But this year, Playboy decided West Virginia University and University of Wisconsin-Madison has hotter coeds. Boo!